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Controlling Parents


Lil Lady

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I am 31 y/o, divorced. I live on my own with my boyfriend who is going through a divorce. We have been together almost a year. I have read many articles about controlling parents and I believe that my parents fit the bill. There were times in my past that my parents did not like a boyfriend and they bribed me to break up with them, but I didn't receive what they bribed me with.

 

Now my parents seem to want to know everything that is going on in our relationship which I have unfortunately allowed in the past because I wanted them in my life. I moved away for over 10 years with my ex husband and things were distant between me and my parents. Now they want to know everything between my boyfriend and I. I'm not sure if it is because they want to make sure I don't end up being hurt again, or being taken advantage of, but I want it to stop and I don't know how without basically cutting them out of my life.

 

My boyfriend is working on finding a job and getting his divorce finalized for a few months now, and my parents definitely do not like this. I have to defend him constantly. My parents basically see me as a whore for being with a "married" man, but he has been separated for over 2 years. The legal system is just horrid where we live, plus when she won't do her part it makes it difficult to get anything done.

 

I have told both my parents and my boyfriend that I want us to all be a happy family but I don't see how this can happen. My father wants to have a "talk" with my boyfriend, which has already happened in the past year, and it didn't end up too well. I understand that my parents are only looking out for my best interests but I need to be my own woman. I need to be able to look after myself. If the choices I make are wrong, (which they have pointed out that my first marriage didn't work out so well, so I made a bad decision), then I will accept the consequences. I do not accept monetary help from my parents. I have no children so I don't use them as "babysitters". Also, they get upset if I do not come to see them once a week, but they will not step foot into my house because my boyfriend his here. My father is the worst one at this point, although my mom caused a few issues a while back, but now she seems to support me. I'm not even sure if it is true acceptance or if it is some type of manipulation. I am confused on how to proceed without having my parents try to make me chose between them and my boyfriend (which happened a few months ago when they had their "first talk") or losing my parents in my life.

 

Please help me. I have ulcers now because of this strain that is coming from both sides and I feel as though I just want to run away, but I've never been a coward to just run. I just need advice on how to proceed.

 

Thank you so much for your assistance.

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I'm not going to be kind, and i'll go on just what you posted here.

 

They paid you to break up with bf's and now your father is calling you a 'whore' ... i have news for you honey, it can be argued that you sold yourself. Please don't beat yourself over this, it might have affected you somewhat up to the present, or not ... but just going on that your parents are not nice ppl.

In fact i would go as far as to say that your parents are abusive.

Did you have by any chance a sibling that was treated as if he/she was perfection ?

 

In regards to them, the answer is easy.

You don't owe them squat and they are taking space inside your mind.

Kick them out, both of them [your mom sounds enabler-ish], and go on with your life.

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Did you have by any chance a sibling that was treated as if he/she was perfection ?

 

I am an only child, so unfortunately I do not have anything to compare to.

 

So I sold myself because I broke up with a previous boyfriend because my parents tried to bribe me and that makes me a whore? But not the fact that I am living with an almost divorced man? I just want to understand. Also can you tell me what exactly do you mean by my mother being "Enabler-ish"?

 

My parents are both in contact with an ex boyfriend of mine that they both did not like while I dated him. But now they are all buddy-buddy and I don't know what I can do about that. I don't want him to be concerned with me, (I broke up with him), and I don't want them to talk about me, but that seems to be the majority of what they talk about. That ex boyfriend told my mother just the other day that he was "bound" to me and so she told me. How do I stop this? Do I have the right to tell my parents who they can talk to about me?

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If you refused no, if you took the money ... it can be argued that you sold a part of you. You did not make it clear in your OP which choice you took and i found kinda funny how your dad is calling you a 'whore' when he tried to make you into one [with the money offer].

I hope i haven't offended you, it was not my intention.

 

Enabler --- Enabling - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

You are 31, you have the right to an independent life ... and yes, now your parents sound even more abusive.

You need to set boundaries.

In effect as if you are training a dog.

Family does good thing, you continue the relationship.

Family does bad thing [talking of an ex, yelling at you, what your father does], you punish them by going No Contact with them and ignoring them.

 

There are a bunch of good posters on these forums who have experience with abusive parents [mine is only with abusive grandparents and when i was very little], i hope they drop by soon.

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My parents are abusive, sexist and very controlling. When I don't do what they want, my narcissistic mother turns my brothers and my father against me and they all stop talking to me.

 

I see them once a month. I share very little about my life so that my mother cannot gossip about me to others. She often complains that she wishes we were closer and I don't want her in my life, but I don't care. That woman has abused me my whole life and she's very much into appearances; she wants people to think she has this happy family. Out of a family of six, I am the only one who is not afraid of her.

 

Do not sell yourself to your family. Money is often used to manipulate; my parents offered to pay for my wedding on the condition that my mother plan it to her specifications. I eloped because nobody is going to control my marriage. I won't accept any gifts from my mother despite her disappointment; she will not be able to buy a stake in my life this way.

 

Stop telling your family your business! They don't need to know anything about your relationships.

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You did not offend me, Radu. I appreciate any and all criticism, help, advice... I know that I have allowed my parents to do this to me for this long. When I was married I was away from them for over 10 years and there were not any problems between us. Once I divorced, I moved back in with my parents to help get my feet back underneath me, and it all started all over again. Like I was their 16 year old daughter living back under their roof...and now it's like they can't stop. I have talked to them many times telling them that just because I don't visit every other day or even once a week doesn't mean I don't care, but that I have a life.

My mother is constantly trying to "help" my boyfriend find a job which is fine, but my father says that he is just not trying hard enough. My father basically thinks that my boyfriend uses me for the money, but he never asks for anything. My mother and I have had some horrible arguments about my boyfriend. She can fly off the handle on any given day. This week she is trying to be nice and supportive of me, but I'm not sure how long that will last. My father will not let my boyfriend up to their house. My father wants to have a "talk" with my boyfriend, but I know that will end up only making my boyfriend mad. I don't know what to do about that.

Do I just tell my parents..."butt out of my personal relationship?" Do I tell my dad to just leave it alone and not worry about my boyfriend? I think I mentioned before that they give me guilt trips. Like the other day my mother told me that my father told her if he didn't speak to my boyfriend soon then he feels like he would have a stroke. He has high anxiety about my relationship apparently....I just don't know what to do. It is affecting me physically and mentally on a daily basis. I'm just afraid I won't get the best of both worlds as far as having my parents in my life and them not butting into my business. I can try to do the "training" with my parents...it will be difficult. I have a dinner with my whole family every Sunday...do I just stop going to the dinners?

 

Sorry for rambling and ranting, but these are all of the thoughts that run through my head every day and I am getting incredibly worn down. Am I doing this to myself???

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they have no right to pressure you, pressure is never right

 

I agree with Nyla, just be vague, no running away, ending, but maybe you need to speak to them less "got a lot on til February, I'll call you then"

 

if you showed them that you need turn to strangers (us) on Loveshack, well, my family get my unconditional love - I wouldn't give them the hard time you two get

 

I'd be too ashamed

 

I think one or both to fear growing old, your independence and maturity tell them than time is marching on, their remedy is to talk to like you're still 15 sorry xx

Edited by darkmoon
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You cannot have the best of both worlds with abusers.

 

I like to think of it this way ... relationships are of several kinds :

- win-win ... most normal ppl want a win-win situation, it's equitable

- lose-lose ... when ppl care more about who is right or they adopt a scorched earth policy

- win-lose situation ... we can't be all winners

 

Your parents can only 'win' in situations.

In fact i'll go as far as say that you winning ... an equitable distribution, makes them feel like they are losing out on something.

Talking won't solve it.

Words are just words ... unless backed with action they have little meaning [look at the UN].

And in situations like these, actions speak louder than words.

 

Oh, and your father did tell your mother that ... but i'll tell you a little secret about abusers.

Abusers make other ppl die ahead of their time, they transfer the drama and problems unto them.

Abusers live for a loooong time.

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Another problem I have is that I live only about 10 minutes away from my parents. (a very small town) and they expect me to be available pretty much whenever they want it. What I find ironic is that I thought of my mother as the abuser and not the enabler until recently.

 

I may end up telling them that I have come to strangers to find out what to do about this situation and what you all have told me thus far...but I will not name this website nor the people included herein. I just want them to know that what they are doing is wrong. What they have done is wrong.

 

If you all only knew other things about my childhood, it might give you more insight as to my life, but I won't bore you with the details and other problems. (very low self-esteem and a fear of being alone) I know that I have problems and I am not going to blame it all on my parents. I know that they love me. I know that they see it as only wanting what is best for me, but they need to understand that bullying me and threatening me will not work.

 

You all seem so strong and able. When I'm dealing with my parents I automatically feel as though I am a teenager again. If I ever say no, then it's wrong and I'm not respecting them. I want out of this hole of degradation of character. When I lived away from them I was a much stronger person, but now I feel weak and childlike.

 

Thank you all so much for your help. Talking with you all makes me feel better and that I'm not just a "bad daughter".

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On this forum there's an abuse section, why don't you start a thread and pour your heart out there ... it might do you good to get it all out.

 

You might also get the opinions of others on weather or not this is abuse.

 

Hmm, i like to think in terms of realities.

There's a quote in my sig about it 'The map is not the territory.'[look it up on wikipedia].

No one's reality is always right but we can strive to get an image of the neutral reality as close as possible.

Our realities are like bubbles that surround us, and act as filters to everyday events or sights.

Abusers warp realities, untill either it is tainted by theirs, or completely replaced by theirs. That is what control gives them and why they strive for it.

In such situations it is neutral unbiased opinions can help you break the spell ... so talk about it.

 

But if you do talk about it, do not tell your parents the adress of this forum ... let it be your sanctuary.

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I spoke to my mother on Tuesday. We went shopping and rode together on the way to town which is about an hour drive. Basically the whole way she would ask questions about my boyfriend, how he is doing, whether he has a job or not yet, where has he applied, does he even try? I tried not to answer her questions, but she got very upset about it, saying that all she wants to do is help. She said that she just wants to be there for me, which I believe, but in the end, it all comes down to just finding out information about my relationship. I told her that I had looked online and found a few places where it talks about situations like ours...I didn't tell her that I had posted anything...I didn't tell her that I had received help from friends. I just told her that they say that I shouldn't share so much information between my relationship and my parents. She said all I want to do is help. How about if I ask you questions in an email will that help you be able to answer them? So she emailed me about 10 questions...Do I love her and my father. Do I love her more than my father. Do you want us to stay out of your business and keep our opinions to ourselves? Do you want advise from friends, (other family members) on how to handle your situation. Am I too easy on my boyfriend?

 

And many more personal questions about my relationship with my boyfriend. I haven't answered them back yet. Now last night my mother called me and asked if I wanted to come eat at her house. I said no, I had plans. (I really didn't, I just wanted a night to relax with my boyfriend.) Then about 20 minutes later my father called and asked the same question...then gave me one of the worlds best guilt trips in the world. I still stood my ground and told them no, but I would come tomorrow night.

 

I have a feeling that it isn't going to go well tonight, just because my dad is so "stressed" about my situation that he feels like he needs to talk it out. He wants to have a "talk" with my boyfriend, again and my boyfriend doesn't want to talk to him, because they have had these "talks" in the past.

 

My parents main concern is that my boyfriend is using me. I know he's not. I know he's steadily looking for a job, but the financial situation is becoming more and more strained so my parents see that and that is what they pick at each and every time I really talk to them. My parents have had really harsh things to say about my boyfriend in the past, such as "You would be better with someone from the 'projects' because they have more to offer than your boyfriend does",

 

This is causing a strain on my relationship with my boyfriend, because we tell each other everything. I made a mistake one time and didn't tell him everything my parents had said previously, but when we had one of our "famous talks" my mom brought up something she had said and I didn't tell my boyfriend. He was a little upset that I hadn't told him...so I try to stay away from that now, but it causes problems with him, because he has to hear their thoughts basically. I don't know what to do there.

 

But anyways, again with the rambling and I am sorry.

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I spoke to my mother on Tuesday. We went shopping and rode together on the way to town which is about an hour drive. Basically the whole way she would ask questions about my boyfriend, how he is doing, whether he has a job or not yet, where has he applied, does he even try? I tried not to answer her questions, but she got very upset about it, saying that all she wants to do is help. She said that she just wants to be there for me, which I believe, but in the end, it all comes down to just finding out information about my relationship. I told her that I had looked online and found a few places where it talks about situations like ours...I didn't tell her that I had posted anything...I didn't tell her that I had received help from friends. I just told her that they say that I shouldn't share so much information between my relationship and my parents. She said all I want to do is help. How about if I ask you questions in an email will that help you be able to answer them? So she emailed me about 10 questions...Do I love her and my father. Do I love her more than my father. Do you want us to stay out of your business and keep our opinions to ourselves? Do you want advise from friends, (other family members) on how to handle your situation. Am I too easy on my boyfriend?

 

And many more personal questions about my relationship with my boyfriend.

 

Those questions were not about trying to help.

Those questions were about control.

See how they asked about how you view them before the questions about your relationship with your bf ?

 

As i write this, i had to scroll up ... i forgot how old you are, and thought for a second that you are a teenager breaking out.

You are 31yrs old, divorced, and they are acting like you are a simple 15yr old.

 

You have to draw a line in the sand and enforce it.

And, if they sense that they may use 'money' to get to you, try and see what you both can do [bf and you] about being more financially independent from them.

Trim down across the board, because if you end up needing these ppl's money, you will easily lose a decade trying to break free from them.

 

As for your bf, while i admire the fact that you continue to report everything to him that they say, understand that this is a double edged sword.

Because your parents want to drive a wedge between the two of you.

 

So again, you need to take a stand.

Tell your bf that he knows how your parents are, and from now on you will stop reporting what they say to him [i can assure you, every word is like a stab wound to him].

Tell your parents [in that mail or by phone], that discussing you and your relationship is not on the table.

If they attempt it by phone, slam it down.

If she does it in public, leave her where she is with cab money.

If he does it in the family, you leave the table/whatever.

They will attempt to get family members to get the info out of you, apply the same rules.

 

This is the only way you will stop this, and preserve your relationship with your bf.

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Thank you Radu, you have no idea how much of a help you have been for me. My parents are certainly trying to drive a wedge between him and myself. Anytime my parent's call, he rolls his eyes, just because he knows that they don't respect me. He has a hard time understanding why I let them do this to me...and for the life of me I don't know why I let them. I want to break free of this hold they have on me, but I don't want to lose them completely out of my life. I will respond in kind to my mom's email, with two answers to her many questions. Do I love them? Yes, of course I do, because they are my parents. And two, the questions about my boyfriend are not for discussion.

One more thing that is getting to me, is that my father is posting on facebook those cute little pictures with sayings on them, like I love my daughter because she is special and my world. Or Actions speak louder than words, watch them. Something along those lines...So I know he has a lot of built up anger towards my boyfriend, but I can't stop that...only he can.

 

Again, thank you Radu. I really appreciate your help.

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Well, here it is almost a month after my original posting, and I am still having issues with my family. It has been pretty good for the past month, except for a few instances. I had a talk with my parents a few days after Christmas about my boyfriend, and myself, trying to tell them in a polite way that they need to butt out of our relationship. That I have everything under control and I am happy with him so they should be happy for me. Things seemed to be working out and having no issues.

Today I talk to my mom on the phone, and she tries to tell me that I need to speak to this guy she knows. Basically she's trying to set me up on a date with him. At first I was stunned, and then got very angry, but I did not voice my anger to her. It probably came out in my tone of voice, but just to get her off of my back, she asked me to look at him facebook oh he's so cute. I just told her that I would. I didn't even look for him, but about an hour later she sent me a message on facebook in the inbox, FYI...and then posted on my page, did you look at what I asked you about? She KNOWS that my boyfriend looks at my FB page. She normally sends me emails, but for this one thing, she just had to post it on FB, and I KNOW that she did it on purpose so that he would question me about it and try to get us in an argument. She did it once before after he and I first started dating. She had one of her and my father's friends call me to ask me out to dinner. He is about 20 years my senior...I mean seriously??? Okay, so that's not even what I want to vent about.

After I see the message on FB, I call her up, and she asks if I saw the message online. I said yes, but I wish you wouldn't do that. She said, well I didn't even put on there specifically what I wanted you to look at. I said, but still....and then the fallout happened. She was saying again that I am giving him too many chances...more chances than he deserves. That I only care about what I want, no matter how many people it hurts in the process, and they (my parents) are the ones being hurt the most. She said that she called my phone the other day, we have it next to the bed in the bedroom, and he answered it kind of grumpy, when she said can I speak to Sara, he said, Who is this? She said it's her mother...then he apologized. He wakes up in a grumpy mood all the time, so I understand why he was grumpy, and he even apologized, but she doesn't look at it like that. He normally doesn't answer the phone when my parents call, because they are not very nice to him, so why would he want to answer the phone? So she tells me today that he is a P*$$Y for not answering the phone when they call. I told her no...he doesn't answer the phone because he knows 1) That you don't want to talk to him. And 2) That you don't even like him. Well, apparently that's not a good reason to not answer the phone so she called him that name.

She basically told me again today that I'm going to hell for what I'm doing with him. As I said in a previous post, he is in the process of a divorce, so they see it as adultery...which yes in many people's eyes, it is adultery, but they have been separated for almost 2 years now, his ex even has a boyfriend living with her. I digress...My mother told me that she knows from the bottom of her heart that 10 years from now I'm going to talk to her and tell her that I wish I would have listened. She also said that she thinks her health is deteriorating because of the stress that I am putting on them. I wish I could just tell them to not worry about me. They don't accept that because I'm their daughter, which I understand, but seriously, let me live my life!!

As I said before in another post, my boyfriend is without a job at the moment and has been since we've been together, off and on. He's had a few jobs, but nothing substantial. He is trying...he goes almost everyday in our small town looking for work, even at the fast food restaurants, but no one is hiring. Also, he has tattoos that are visible, so many places won't hire him because of that reason as well. This is the stress that my parents are talking about. That he doesn't have a job. Well I don't know if they know this or not, but the unemployment rate in our small town is ENORMOUS!! We can't really move because we can't afford it at the moment, plus he has a son with his ex, and he needs to be around for his son. My parents want to talk about stress?? What about the stress of money, or the stress of parents constantly complaining about the one that I love.

 

I have had it up to my ears with the things my mother says, but I don't even know how to talk to her. If I say what I think, it upsets her, If I argue then I'm basically "disrespecting" her. If I just sit here and bite my tongue, nothing gets accomplished. And If I stop talking to my parents, then I'm basically an orphan. I know that there are a lot of people on here that do not talk to their families, but my family has always been really close. Now the closeness is actually driving a wedge between us.

I still don't know what to do or how to handle them. I feel like I'm going insane.

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Thank you Juicez, for your judgemental concern to my situation.

 

I'm not sure if you understood in the last post that my b/f is actually going through the divorce with his ex. They will not be getting back together. It's not like they live together, they don't even really have civil conversations together, always screaming and fighting about something concerning their child. She is in a relationship, so it's not like she's trying to get back together with him, and I know that he doesn't want her.

They had been separated for about a year before I even got into the picture with him. So they are separated, technically going through the divorce, which doesn't exactly make them married. The only obligations they have toward each other is their child. Not to each other.

 

I'm not exactly sure what you meant by:

he is a men, he know what he is doing!

and you clearly dont you only believe what can make your action look good.

 

I'm not trying to make any of my actions look "good". I came here for help with my parents.

 

Again, I just want to say that I appreciate your judgmental concern with my situation. Thank you.

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Today I talk to my mom on the phone, and she tries to tell me that I need to speak to this guy she knows. Basically she's trying to set me up on a date with him. At first I was stunned, and then got very angry, but I did not voice my anger to her.
Why not? THAT is your problem, not your parents. Why are you not allowed to get mad at your mom?

 

You're an adult, for Pete's sake. You still 'have' to visit your parents once a week?

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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Yeah, see...that is my problem. and I readily accept that it is MY problem. I wish that I could just tell them how I feel, but for some reason I have this irrational fear of them being upset with me. Unfortunately I am one of those people that likes to be able to please everyone. And I know I've heard the saying about not being able to please everyone...which I've told my parents before...but my mom threw that up in my face about about me wanting to be happy, and not giving a crap about what it does to anyone else, or if it hurts anyone else in the process. My mother has one time tried to get me to chose between them and my boyfriend, which they realized was a crap thing to do, because I chose him, but we all tried to work through it....for a time. Also, she basically told me once that she would disown me for dating him. And she always throws up her and my dad's health. About how my boyfriend stresses them out to the max, and she's afraid that my dad is going to have a stroke, because of it. She even went so far as to threaten my boyfriend if that did happen to my dad. She has a very uncontrollable mouth when she's angry.

 

I know that I don't "need" my parents, because I pay all of my own bills, and I do not depend on them for anything....but I don't want to cut ties completely with my parents. What about when I have a child of my own? I want him or her to know their grandparents.

Me "having" to visit my parents once a week is to try and keep them happy, not because I feel like I have to see my parents. It's because they ask, and if I don't then they get upset...which I understand is my problem, but I'm not sure what to do about it. If i don't visit often, my father wants to have a "talk". He made me feel guilty the last time because I didn't call my mom often, which she calls me almost everyday. When do I have a chance to call her? But he told me that she doesn't have anyone else she can really talk to....she has over 5 siblings.

 

Tunera, if you can give me some pointers, I would be very grateful.

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There are only two things that will help you - extended therapy to get you to the point of being ok inside your own skin, and actual DOING things outside that comfort zone you push yourself in. All psychologists will tell you that you have to start ACTING like you matter, to start BELIEVING that you matter. Fake it til you make it. If your scared inner child tells you that you have to go have dinner with the folks on Sunday, set up a reason NOT to. Buy tickets for a show and invite someone. That way, you have 'something to blame' on breaking their hold on you, when they try to guilt you into coming (and they will). Once you do it once, you'll start feeling safer doing it again, and again, until you wonder why you were so scared to begin with.

 

The only other thing that might help is to start reading every self-help book on codependency and self esteem you can find. Start with The Dance Of Anger - it teaches you how to say NO to people who expect you to say yes, without them deciding you don't love them.

Edited by turnera
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I will definitely have to get The Dance of Anger and check it out. I hold so many things inside, and let people basically run me over, my parents the worst...but I don't want to upset other people...so I end up only upsetting myself.

 

I do sometimes tell my parents no, but then I end up getting guilt tripped and it just makes me feel bad. We have a family dinner every week at my grandmothers, which I have cancelled on before...but most of the time I use the sick routine. "My tummy is upset" blah blah blah... And that usually pacifies them. But if it involves my mother and father wanting me to come up to their house during the week, they call that afternoon and ask if I want to come up. Normally I don't have plans, but here lately, I've been making more plans so that I have excuses. They could EASILY come and see me...it's the same distance from my house to theirs, but like I've said, they don't like my boyfriend and we live together, so my parents do not come to my house. I have tried to explain to my parents that I'm trying to lose weight so I'm making more meals at home. When I finish work at 5PM, it's hard to make dinner and then go to their house. My father goes to bed super early, so it's kind of pointless....and then I have my weekends to relax and try to clean my house, so it just makes it difficult to find time to go see them, but they look at it as a personal attack when I don't come to visit. I'm sorry for rambling, but I'm just trying to let more light on my situation.

 

I will definitely go in search of self-help books. I know that I need self esteem help, because my mom helped remove that from me too. When I was younger, she told me that I was adopted by them from my Aunt, and they gave my Aunt her son...because they wanted a little girl instead of a boy. I know that's not the truth, but it was rough to hear back then. I was always told that my ears were too big, my forehead to high, Don't wear pony tails, make sure that you have bangs, blah blah blah... Then when I got older, she commented on my weight about how she weighed so much less when she was my age, more blah blah blah...

My boyfriend told me that he is almost to the point of despising my parents for the way they have treated, but I never realized until recently that there was anything wrong with how they treated me. I guess with age brings wisdom?

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I have overbearing and controlling parents too.

 

When they try to guilt me into letting them boss me around, I just stand up for myself.

 

They view me as rebellious and rude, but really I just don't let them control my life or tell me that I need to make them happy.

 

I set limits on how often I see my parents and what they know about my life. I see my parents once a month and we tend to spend holidays by ourselves. My husband and I have never had our parents in our home because of my mother's tendency to criticize and be unpleasant.

 

A prime example would be my wedding. My mother wanted to make it all about her and plan it as though it was her wedding. I told her to mind her own business and when the controlling behavior continued along with insults, we eloped. My family stopped talking to me for a year, but at least they knew that they could not control my marriage.

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Thank you Nyla. How did you handle not speaking to your family for a year? I have never went without talking to my parents for more than a week. I just don't know what I would do without them in my life, because they have always been there. I want them to back off, but I don't want to cut them out of my life completely...especially since we live less than 10 miles from each other. I live in town, and they live on the mountain. My mom talks to her sisters quite frequently, and so at Christmas time I took my boyfriend with me to the family get-together. It was quite uncomfortable just because my mom had ended up telling her sisters all about how she felt about my relationship with my boyfriend. Anyways...I guess what I'm getting at, I don't really want to cut my family out completely. Do I really have any other choice though? And I completely understand about how they view the rebellion and rudeness. My parents basically tell me the same thing. My parents are very religious, so my mom ends up quoting the bible to me, and telling me that I'm not honoring my mother and my father. *sighs* I know in my head that that isn't true...but my heart has always been huge and so when they make me feel guilty it makes me feel horrible. Like I talked with my mom yesterday but she hsan't called me today so I know that she is probably upset with me that I didn't come up to their house last night. They think that just because I'm only dating "my man" they don't think I should spend as much time with him as I do...for goodness sake, we live together. And they hate that as well. My boyfriend and I basically act like we are married, just not with the ring and paperwork done yet. They just don't get it. My mom wants me to go on "dates"...I've told her numerous times no...and when I get short with her, that's when she goes off. That's when she says things that are only meant to hurt. When he and I first got together, my mom cussed at me telling me to basically get the F out of her house. We were screaming back and forth, my dad was outside and he even heard us. She punched me in the arm and I just walked out to tell my dad that I was leaving...he made me go back inside and have a small talk with mom. I don't even remember now exactly what we were fighting about, just that it concerned me and my boyfriend and how I was always defending him, but not defending my dad. Crap...I am sorry for rambling again. I hate doing that, but it feels so good to get it off of my chest. I just need to tell my parents how I feel, and try to do it in a calm manner...which will not be easy.

My father told me the other day that my mom may spout off angrily how she feels, but it's normally exactly what she thinks... and if that's the case, she and my boyfriend will never get along. I guess I just need to grow a pair where my parents are concerned and get over it.

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You are that way because of the WAY she raised you. She raised you to feel GUILT at questioning her, and she uses the Bible as her backup.

 

Do you think that's honorable or fair?

 

IMO, it's a parent's job to RAISE their kids and then let GO of them to live as adults. You're an adult. No one is going to 'give' you the right to act like one - it's up to you to TAKE that right.

 

And guess what? You really CAN survive without them. Now, we're not telling you to cut them out of your life - just that you CAN and still survive. It's an alien thought to someone whose parents have brainwashed you to think that you owe them allegiance for the rest of your life. And I'm sure they don't mean you harm.

 

But it's unhealthy for you to be in this 'place' in your life, at your age. I know it's hard - I remember being ashamed for having sex with my husband, at age 30, when I'd been married for 9 years! But it really does have to come from YOU.

 

Start small. Start by writing out a script that explains why you won't be coming to dinner that does NOT include a lie. "Mom, I'm going to skip dinner Sunday. Some friends want me to meet them and then go to this performance they were talking about, so I'm going to meet up with them. You're always telling me how I should broaden my horizons - thanks for the encouragement! I'll let you know how it goes, when I see you guys NEXT Sunday."

 

Write it out, set it down in front of you, and just dial the phone. Read the script. Then say 'gotta go! Jane's waiting for me!' and hang up. Phew! You just told her and the sky didn't fall in on you!

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