Nasty Sisters - The Latest (My Wedding)

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

Last time I posted on Loveshack I went into detail about how my sisters have been vile to me for years whilst I've been craving their love and acceptance, the conclusion was to boycott them until I felt ready to see them again. So I did just that, managed to avoid them for about 8 months but gradually let them into my life again in April this year. First couple of meetings went really well then they were acting their usual selves pretty soon after that unfortunately, this has upset me tremendously because it has shown that 8 months of no contact has not taught them a thing. Not that I was trying to teach them a lesson per se - the purpose of cutting them out was actually to protect myself from being distressed by their behaviour towards me.

 

The most upsetting recent incident happened a couple of weeks ago which has since left me in pieces.

 

So my fiance and I finally set a date for our wedding a few months ago - it will be next Spring We have been engaged a while but are in an intercontinental relationship (my fiance = USA, myself = UK) which has complicated things hence the delay. When discussing my potential wedding plans in the summer of last year with my sisters they were making catty remarks about probably not being able to attend unless I set the date for the month of August only since one is a teacher and the other is at college therefore they have to revolve their time off around the academic year. I had actually made a tentative plan of marrying last week in May when they are on college holidays but was shot down in flames with one sister saying she would have to do exam revision all of that week therefore couldn't make it, they were all being really horrible about it and when I started to get upset I was told to 'just shut up and drop the subject'.

 

Anyway, we obviously didn't marry in May of this year after all that, but in July we finally settled for next spring, I was Stateside whilst we came to this decision so emailed my sisters the date. Had no response from them for 6 weeks and after a long wait finally got a message from one of them saying they wouldn't be able to make it unless I move the date to their Easter holiday which would be a few weeks later than said date. I checked with my fiance but for various reasons that I cannot really divulge on here, the date is final due to certain arrangements. In the meantime I confided in a few of my fiance's friends and family about what's been happening, until then I had been feeling guilty and selfish for not doing what suits my sisters but they all reassured me it was definitely them with the problem. Some mentioned that in my next email to them I could suggest that they have a word with their professors at this early stage and negotiate work to be submitted early/late/or via email. So I emailed that suggestion to them in August and heard nothing back!!! This was also hurtful considering I was in America and they had no interest in keeping in regular contact to see how I was etc.

 

I returned to England in early October, heard nothing at all from my sisters - no suggestion of meeting up considering I'd been away for 3 months. Anyway, 2 weeks ago was one of my sisters' birthday, so I felt obliged to go along which meant staying with them at their place. I was not looking forward to it one bit, due to the elephant in the room regarding the wedding, the fact that there had been no contact whatsoever between me and one of my sisters and her long term boyfriend since my return from the States and also the fact that in the past I have been made to feel very unwelcome there. They have left me out of things, uninvited me to events and when I have attended something they limit the time I'm actually there.

 

So anyway, I was worried about how I'd get through the weekend without a mention of the wedding. I knew in my heart they wouldn't come but just couldn't bear to hear them actually tell me that and make it all real. On the birthday night I was actually having a good time until I was targeted about something I hadn't done, my sisters and one of their partners were spewing abuse at me for 4 hours, this was so hurtful but they seemed to revel in my tears and despair. This was before any mention of the wedding.

 

The next day one of my sisters randomly said 'oh what a pity we won't be able to come to your wedding' which made me feel sick to my stomach. I responded with 'so that's it, that's your final decision after keeping me in suspense for weeks, do you know how hurtful this is? I was trying to avoid the subject so as not to upset the apple cart but you just brought it up'. So she stormed out of the room and went up to her boyfriend in the other room and told him to sort me out because I was 'causing problems'. He ran down the stairs screaming and shouting so much abuse at me, mostly about how selfish I am for not changing the date to suit them, he even accused me of trying to jeopardise their education and future careers! He also called me a liar as he didn't believe my fiance wouldn't change the date for them so accused me of trying to prevent them attending! Totally shocking. And throughout the run in I never once raised my voice and barely fought back because my stomach was in knots from the upset and I felt so ganged up on. The more distressed I got, the more it antagonised them all, it was awful. I felt so bullied with no one there to defend me.

 

Anyway after all that my sister came back downstairs to join her boyfriend and she just said 'we can't go because we can't afford it'. Well if that was their reason all along why try to get me to change to date to suit them, and cause such a scene??? To think they would have let us change the date when they had no intention of coming anyway

[Balzac]

When I read this, what comes across loudly is that you set yourself up to be hurt. It's a shame for you and only you.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

When I read this, what comes across loudly is that you set yourself up to be hurt. It's a shame for you and only you.

 

Yeah you're probably right, my bestie said the same. That I shouldn't have put myself in the situation anyway, and they don't deserve my time after how they've treated me for years. But I guess you never give up on family, although now it looks like I don't really have much choice.

[Micki]

Yeah you're probably right, my bestie said the same. That I shouldn't have put myself in the situation anyway, and they don't deserve my time after how they've treated me for years. But I guess you never give up on family, although now it looks like I don't really have much choice.

 

I think you should (by your own choice) give up on family who abuse you.

[whichwayisup]

Yeah you're probably right, my bestie said the same. That I shouldn't have put myself in the situation anyway, and they don't deserve my time after how they've treated me for years. But I guess you never give up on family, although now it looks like I don't really have much choice.

 

I'm angry at them for you! And I feel your pain Heart. (I've missed you, nice to see you again, but not happy to read what's been going on).

 

Your sisters are BITCHES. Selfish and cruel.

 

Cut them out of your life honey. You don't need their approval, just do as you please and they will decide for themselves what they want to do. If they come, great! If not, their loss, not yours.

 

I know it's easier said than done. Just know that they bring NOTHING positive into your life. They don't know anything about you, your life and who you are.

 

They aren't giving you any good reason to make efforts to have them in your life.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

I'm angry at them for you! And I feel your pain Heart. (I've missed you, nice to see you again, but not happy to read what's been going on).

 

Your sisters are BITCHES. Selfish and cruel.

 

Cut them out of your life honey. You don't need their approval, just do as you please and they will decide for themselves what they want to do. If they come, great! If not, their loss, not yours.

 

I know it's easier said than done. Just know that they bring NOTHING positive into your life. They don't know anything about you, your life and who you are.

 

They aren't giving you any good reason to make efforts to have them in your life.

 

Hi there WWIU! Lovely to see you on here again too! How are you doing?

 

Well I am willing to bet any amount of money that there's not a cat in hells chance of them turning up to my wedding. It really is depressing because they're MY SISTERS for goodness sake, why would they not want to be there for me on my special day??? I just don't get it, that plus their other behaviour has actually led me to believe that they definitely don't love me, sadly people have agreed with me.

 

They have even made no effort to actually meet my fiance! He has been to London several times and I've suggested they meet us for dinner or similar, each time they declined with lame excuses. They have of course never suggested flying to the States to see me/him either despite going on plenty of other holidays, so the money excuse doesn't wash with me. So I've been with this man for 3 years and they've NEVER MET HIM! In fact none of my family have.

 

It's sad that I will not have anyone to do Pip Middleton duties on the big day ya know - no one to get me excited/support me, no one to help me get dressed, no one to take a load of casual photos, no one to tell funny stories about me. I am probably going to have to do my own hair and make-up which is very disappointing. Only a small amount of my fiance's friends and family will be attending, not sure how much they would be willing to help me out.

 

What is also sad is how one of my sisters boyfriends is towards me. He is soooooo angry, shouty, aggressive and disrespectful to me which is really distressing. He's been with my sister for over 10 years so he knows my family really well, which makes me furious thinking his contempt towards me must be learned behaviour, for years he's watched me be scapegoated by the rest of them and in recent years as taken it upon himself to join in. Oh it makes me absolutely livid. Of course the dynamic would change if my man accompanied me to see them, however they'd probably have no interest in that because it would mean they'd have to change the status quo. Seems they want to keep me where they've put me.

[whichwayisup]

You have good friends that will be there. Friends sometimes are better family than 'real' family..

 

I don't know wtf is wrong with your sisters. Selfish, immature, self absorbed, cruel and narcissistic comes to mind.

 

They are surrounded by the same type of people, people that you don't want in your life. As painful as it is, you're better off without them and their boyfriends. Crazy shi.ts!

[KathyM]

I think you should set the date for the time and place that you and your fiance want your wedding to be, and then not obsess about if your sisters are going to be there or not. You shouldn't set the date according to their schedules. It's your wedding. Schedule it for the time you want it to be, and whoever comes or doesn't come, so be it. My sister remarried early this year, and I had to pay the expense of flying halfway across the country and take a lowered grade for not making it to class that day, but I made the effort because it was important to her. If your sisters aren't willing to make your wedding a priority, then to heck with them. Don't pressure them. Just pick the date that you would like (it is your wedding after all), send them the invitation, and graciously accept their decline if they think they can't make it. Don't get into this pressuring or pleading or fighting. No good can come from that.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

You have good friends that will be there. Friends sometimes are better family than 'real' family..

 

I don't know wtf is wrong with your sisters. Selfish, immature, self absorbed, cruel and narcissistic comes to mind.

 

They are surrounded by the same type of people, people that you don't want in your life. As painful as it is, you're better off without them and their boyfriends. Crazy shi.ts!

 

Yes you're right, even though it will only be a small number of my fiance's family and a couple of our joint friends (people I got to know through him, therefore don't know me THAT well) I will probably be much better off with them because they love me unconditionally and are positive people who wouldn't dream of causing me pain.

 

My sisters and their boyfriends are not only awful towards me, they tell me I deserve it and that it's me with the problem. It can be hard not to believe them, especially when I have no one to stick up for me when they bully me. Feels like they're all in an alliance, then there's me on my own. At least I am when in their company.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

I think you should set the date for the time and place that you and your fiance want your wedding to be, and then not obsess about if your sisters are going to be there or not. You shouldn't set the date according to their schedules. It's your wedding. Schedule it for the time you want it to be, and whoever comes or doesn't come, so be it. My sister remarried early this year, and I had to pay the expense of flying halfway across the country and take a lowered grade for not making it to class that day, but I made the effort because it was important to her. If your sisters aren't willing to make your wedding a priority, then to heck with them. Don't pressure them. Just pick the date that you would like (it is your wedding after all), send them the invitation, and graciously accept their decline if they think they can't make it. Don't get into this pressuring or pleading or fighting. No good can come from that.

 

Yes we are just sticking to the original plan, I mean why should we change it if they have no intention of coming anyway? To think they tried to make me feel guilty for 'deliberately choosing a date that clashed with their important college work'. Then accused me of lying about not being able to change it for them. Then calling me all the names under the sun for being so selfish!!!

 

Yet like I said, one of my sisters piped up after all that and said they couldn't afford to come anyway. So why not tell me that from the start? Do you think they first wanted to use it as an excuse to cause drama and bash me???

 

Not that I believe them about the money issue anyway. In the last 2 years they've been on plenty of holidays/trips and also made a few very large purchases. So it's funny how they could find the money for those things, yet didn't prioritise/budget for my wedding, they had known for ages that the wedding was on the cards - I've been engaged for over 2 years!

 

Furthermore, they've not even suggested the idea of throwing us a party to make up for the fact they won't be there. Not that I thought they would as they are selfish and nasty to the Nth degree. So it's obvious how little I mean to them, it's disgraceful. They must have some underlying issue, I'd love to know why they are like they are towards me. My poor fiance doesn't know what to say anymore. Some people think they're jealous. I dunno.

[KathyM]

Yes we are just sticking to the original plan, I mean why should we change it if they have no intention of coming anyway? To think they tried to make me feel guilty for 'deliberately choosing a date that clashed with their important college work'. Then accused me of lying about not being able to change it for them. Then calling me all the names under the sun for being so selfish!!!

 

Yet like I said, one of my sisters piped up after all that and said they couldn't afford to come anyway. So why not tell me that from the start? Do you think they first wanted to use it as an excuse to cause drama and bash me???

 

Not that I believe them about the money issue anyway. In the last 2 years they've been on plenty of holidays/trips and also made a few very large purchases. So it's funny how they could find the money for those things, yet didn't prioritise/budget for my wedding, they had known for ages that the wedding was on the cards - I've been engaged for over 2 years!

 

Furthermore, they've not even suggested the idea of throwing us a party to make up for the fact they won't be there. Not that I thought they would as they are selfish and nasty to the Nth degree. So it's obvious how little I mean to them, it's disgraceful. They must have some underlying issue, I'd love to know why they are like they are towards me. My poor fiance doesn't know what to say anymore. Some people think they're jealous. I dunno.

I don't know the dynamics that you and your sisters had when growing up. It sounds like you weren't the best of friends as children either, if they are behaving this way towards you as adults. I tend to think parents have a lot to do with how the children get along, both as children and as adults. If parents didn't teach their children that family is important, or that you all need to be there for each other, support each other, or give each other priority in your life, then I'm guessing that is why they are behaving this way--only thinking of their own needs and schedules, and not giving their sister's important event any priority. Perhaps you're expecting something from them that has never been taught to them--making family a priority. Just send out the invitation, and don't pressure them or lay a guilt trip on them. That's all you can do.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

I don't know the dynamics that you and your sisters had when growing up. It sounds like you weren't the best of friends as children either, if they are behaving this way towards you as adults. I tend to think parents have a lot to do with how the children get along, both as children and as adults. If parents didn't teach their children that family is important, or that you all need to be there for each other, support each other, or give each other priority in your life, then I'm guessing that is why they are behaving this way--only thinking of their own needs and schedules, and not giving their sister's important event any priority. Perhaps you're expecting something from them that has never been taught to them--making family a priority. Just send out the invitation, and don't pressure them or lay a guilt trip on them. That's all you can do.

 

Well I believe a lot of it is learned behaviour - they have only ever known dysfunction, abuse, mind games, playing one off against the other and domestic violence within our family. They all suffered to some extent but I was the scapegoat which they witnessed. So they must think it's ok to mistreat me. But they are now 22 and 27 years old, not exactly children.

 

However if they were like this to one another it wouldn't feel this bad, but it is extra painful because although the dynamic between my two sisters themselves is very dysfunctional/controlling/co-dependant and just generally odd - they still favour one another over me. They spend more time/money on each other and prioritise one another. Sister #1 seems to have complete control over sister #2's life, sister #2 is passive and compliant to her. She also controls her boyfriend which may explain his rage. But I don't see why he should take it out on me, although again - learned behaviour. He thinks it's ok to dump all his anger and shortcomings on to me due to witnessing my family members do it to me for years.

[freestyle]

From what you described about their collective behavior towards you--

 

My guess is that your wedding will a much more pleasant & peaceful, & joyful occasion withOUT them. If they did come--It's a safe bet to guess that they'll create a lot of needless drama.

 

Dysfunctional family members are notorious for upstaging weddings---why have any there who doesn't treat you with love, kindness, & respect?

 

I realize that you want your sisters to be there, and to be kind & loving towards you--but I don't see it happening. Ever---unless they go through extensive introspection & counseling. From what you described there's a lot of Cluster B behaviors happening--which means it's ingrained into their personalities.

 

Blood isn't always thicker than water--sometimes, the best family, is the family we choose for ourselves.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

From what you described about their collective behavior towards you--

 

My guess is that your wedding will a much more pleasant & peaceful, & joyful occasion withOUT them. If they did come--It's a safe bet to guess that they'll create a lot of needless drama.

 

Dysfunctional family members are notorious for upstaging weddings---why have any there who doesn't treat you with love, kindness, & respect?

 

I realize that you want your sisters to be there, and to be kind & loving towards you--but I don't see it happening. Ever---unless they go through extensive introspection & counseling. From what you described there's a lot of Cluster B behaviors happening--which means it's ingrained into their personalities.

 

Blood isn't always thicker than water--sometimes, the best family, is the family we choose for ourselves.

 

Yes I think you're quite right, if they did attend they'd more than likely do something to upset me on the day. Whether that be in a subtle way so no one else realised then I could also be accused of paranoia, or they may kick off in front of people. My fiance thinks that one of the reasons they can't be bothered to come is that there's nothing in it for them, and he's noticed from my stories about them that they only seem to do things for personal gain. There's obviously something (I don't know what) in it for them to fawn over one another but for whatever reason have come to the conclusion that nothing can be gained by fawning over me.

 

I don't see them EVER admitting they're wrong and needing help, they are so far up their own and each others arses it makes me want to vom in my mouth. I am familiar with the cluster personalities but Googled them again after reading your post, just so I could have a reminder of the exact traits of cluster B types, I definitely agree that they are showing some signs, especially being narcissistic and lacking empathy. It is scary because unless I sit people down and tell them stories about how badly my sisters/their boyfriends treat me, they don't even realise we have problems because to the outside world they 'act' very normal. So sometimes it feels like no one believes me

[freestyle]

It is scary because unless I sit people down and tell them stories about how badly my sisters/their boyfriends treat me, they don't even realise we have problems because to the outside world they 'act' very normal. So sometimes it feels like no one believes me

 

I know that feeling well--It makes it all the more difficult when you feel like you have to defend your feelings to bystanders who don't understand the context.

 

A comment may seem innocuous to someone on the outside, looking in--

But when there's a long-standing history of verbally abusive behavior--it's intended as a put-down, or a sideways jab.

 

If you'd like to reach some peace of mind regarding this...

 

First accept that they're NOT likely to change.

 

Understand the role you play in the dynamic--

 

By reacting, and getting visibly upset--you're actually feeding the drama.

 

(I'm NOT saying your feelings aren't justified, and normal, they are. You have every right to feel what you feel---and I would be very hurt & angry myself, if I was treated that way by family members.)

 

My point is--By explaining your hurt feelings to them. you're just handing them ammunition.

 

You're handing a road map of all your weak spots to people who will use that information against you. I know it sucks to feel like you have to keep your guard up around family members---but that's what you're dealing with.

 

Emotionally healthy people, who care about you---will apologize when they hurt your feelings. They don't attack, & go on & on about how it's "all YOUR fault" and how it's all about everything being "wrong" with you. They certainly don't continue the behavior, once you point out that it's hurtful.

 

Your sisters are NOT emotionally healthy people--based on what you described. So the normal logic simply doesn't apply.

 

All YOU can do--is begin to set boundaries of you will and won't tolerate.

If one of them starts to go off on you, and raises her voice---you can't control her behavior. Only your own.

 

You can set the boundary by stating calmly that you will not continue a discussion, when someone raises their voice at you.Give them the chance to correct the behavior---if they don't---then walk away. Enforce the consequences of breaching the boundary. Consistently. If you're not consistent with consequences--then you won't be taken seriously.

 

 

Refuse to engage in the dysfunctional dance.

By not engaging--you become boring to those who are seeking drama, and conflict. Eventually, they'll set their sights elsewhere, when they need to lash out.

[yessy21]

YOU ARE THE ONE THAT LETS THEM TREAT YOU THAT WAY. just cut them off. dont invite them to s***. Oh what a pity there was no seating left. and if they just SHOW UP. have them escorted out. i dont know why u want people like that in ur life. obviously they are jealous of u.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

I know that feeling well--It makes it all the more difficult when you feel like you have to defend your feelings to bystanders who don't understand the context.

 

A comment may seem innocuous to someone on the outside, looking in--

But when there's a long-standing history of verbally abusive behavior--it's intended as a put-down, or a sideways jab.

 

If you'd like to reach some peace of mind regarding this...

 

First accept that they're NOT likely to change.

 

Understand the role you play in the dynamic--

 

By reacting, and getting visibly upset--you're actually feeding the drama.

 

(I'm NOT saying your feelings aren't justified, and normal, they are. You have every right to feel what you feel---and I would be very hurt & angry myself, if I was treated that way by family members.)

 

My point is--By explaining your hurt feelings to them. you're just handing them ammunition.

 

You're handing a road map of all your weak spots to people who will use that information against you. I know it sucks to feel like you have to keep your guard up around family members---but that's what you're dealing with.

 

Emotionally healthy people, who care about you---will apologize when they hurt your feelings. They don't attack, & go on & on about how it's "all YOUR fault" and how it's all about everything being "wrong" with you. They certainly don't continue the behavior, once you point out that it's hurtful.

 

Your sisters are NOT emotionally healthy people--based on what you described. So the normal logic simply doesn't apply.

 

All YOU can do--is begin to set boundaries of you will and won't tolerate.

If one of them starts to go off on you, and raises her voice---you can't control her behavior. Only your own.

 

You can set the boundary by stating calmly that you will not continue a discussion, when someone raises their voice at you.Give them the chance to correct the behavior---if they don't---then walk away. Enforce the consequences of breaching the boundary. Consistently. If you're not consistent with consequences--then you won't be taken seriously.

 

 

Refuse to engage in the dysfunctional dance.

By not engaging--you become boring to those who are seeking drama, and conflict. Eventually, they'll set their sights elsewhere, when they need to lash out.

 

Yeah it's tough when trying to explain it to certain friends, they just don't get it or even try to tell me I must have done something to make them this way towards me! I mean I am fully aware that I need to look inward sometimes and control my reactions as you've said, but seriously I am powerless to stop them being like this to me, I also can't force them to love me and treat me with respect. It is appalling. Honestly, I have never done them any harm. The only issues they could possibly have with me are how I blow my top when they treat me so unfairly.

 

Interesting how you think that they seem to enjoy causing me pain, and use my weaknesses against me? I understand they are displaying obvious signs of narcissism and lacking empathy but I cannot understand why someone would want to cause pain to another. I have a big heart so it really is hard for me to try to imagine what that's like.

 

Another thing they have done to me recently which is going off the wedding topic but has also been hurtful - regarding my birthday last week.

 

Well as I've mentioned on here previously, every year they either ignore my birthday or reluctantly make an appearance but make it obvious they don't want to be there, or upset me until I cry uncontrollably. They've never once gone the extra mile for me by throwing me a surprise party or spending lot's of time/money on me.

 

This wouldn't feel so bad if they also behaved like this on each others birthdays, but they don't - they act like little princesses, expecting/getting attention and multiple surprise parties/presents/dinners out/drinks from each other. Sometimes their celebrations for their birthdays go on for weeks, this makes me feel so inferior because it's like they're rubbing my nose in it and making me feel I am not worth it.

 

Anyway, my birthday last week was overlooked which probably comes as no surprise to you all. Sister #2 said she would be unable to even meet me for a meal EVEN IF I PAID FOR MYSELF, because she 'couldn't afford it'. She also said that she didn't have the money to get me a gift. She offered to give me a voucher (that she had aquired ages ago) to buy myself a meal at a really cheap bar/pub grub place which is renowned for alcoholic old men to hang out so they can get drunk and stay drunk. Like that's all I'm worth. Now this was after I managed to save up quite a large sum of money to treat her on her birthday 2 weeks ago despite me being between jobs right now. I knew her birthday was coming so made sure I budgeted enough money to buy her a gift, take the train to their town, pay for a meal and drinks also lunch the next day.

 

Sister #1 in all fairness did actually buy me a present this year although I couldn't collect it due to being sick. I had no birthday wish, NOTHING off her aggressive boyfriend, again I've always attended his birthday parties and bought him a present every year..

 

Now I see pictures on Facebook put up of sister #1's birthday which was on Saturday (all 3 of us have November birthdays) and it showed them and the crew eating out at a very expensive restaurant, drinking several expensive cocktails and there were also photos of each present she received with a comment below each describing what it was and who bought it, not only had sister #2 showered my other sister with gifts but also wrote her a poem which was basically describing about how those two are like two peas in a pod. Urgh. So sister #2 could afford all that for sister #1 (sorry if this story is confusing, wish I could mention names haha) plus took the time to write her sickly and false poetry, yet my birthday was such an afterthought as it is time and time again, makes me sick to my stomach.

[hotgurl]

your problem is your expectations. you expect them to treat you like normal sisters. You expect them to care about you. you expect them to be nice.

 

They clearly don't care and are B****. They won't change. they are for whatever reason incapable of giving you want you want - a normal caring sister relationship. you are not going to get that from them.

 

Why continue to expect them to treat you any differently than they have in the past. It just hurts you. Why do you want them in your life.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

your problem is your expectations. you expect them to treat you like normal sisters. You expect them to care about you. you expect them to be nice.

 

They clearly don't care and are B****. They won't change. they are for whatever reason incapable of giving you want you want - a normal caring sister relationship. you are not going to get that from them.

 

Why continue to expect them to treat you any differently than they have in the past. It just hurts you. Why do you want them in your life.

 

I don't know why I even bother having normal expectations of them. I don't know why I keep hoping they'll change. It is such a shame, I feel like a sick little puppy looking to be loved and they either kick me or shut me out in the cold.

 

Maybe I live in hope because when they are being nice to me I really enjoy their company, but then they turn without warning when I think things are going well. They are only nice about half of the time, it just isn't good enough. They have proved to me again and again that they can't be consistent. Plus I (understandably) have a huge amount of built up resentment towards them due to their disgusting treatment towards me over the years so this obviously affects how I deal with new situations regarding them.

[freestyle]

Yeah it's tough when trying to explain it to certain friends, they just don't get it or even try to tell me I must have done something to make them this way towards me! I mean I am fully aware that I need to look inward sometimes and control my reactions as you've said, but seriously I am powerless to stop them being like this to me, I also can't force them to love me and treat me with respect. It is appalling. Honestly, I have never done them any harm. The only issues they could possibly have with me are how I blow my top when they treat me so unfairly.

 

Interesting how you think that they seem to enjoy causing me pain, and use my weaknesses against me? I understand they are displaying obvious signs of narcissism and lacking empathy but I cannot understand why someone would want to cause pain to another.

 

Because--Putting others down gives some people an ego boost.

 

If they're focused on pointing fingers at YOU--they don't have to look at themselves.

 

When someone puts you down, criticizes you unfairly, without giving any consideration to your point of view---it's ABOUT THEM.

 

It's about what's broken inside of them. A truly happy person doesn't feel the need to put others down. They're offloading their misery onto you. It's a temporary relief for them.

 

I'm not saying that they enjoy causing you pain--I'm suspecting that they enjoy the drama. They're not being empathetic enough to even consider how it affects you. The drama provides a distraction from introspection, and looking at themselves. Your feelings just happen to be collateral damage.

 

I also suspect a lot of the lashing out is happening to deflect shame-

Cluster B's absolutely can NOT handle feelings of shame--it threatens the False Self they create.

 

So, when you point out that their behavior is hurtful to you---they view it as an attack on their ego. You've painted them as less than perfect-you've pointed out a flaw--and that's unacceptable. So, they shift the focus away from their behavior, and turn it onto YOU.

 

i.e.--If they slap you in the face, and you say, "Ouch"--

That makes YOU the "bad guy".

If you get a bruise, you're "just too sensitive".

 

I know it doesn't make sense. And it's incredibly unfair.

But when you're dealing with disordered people--

 

normal logic does NOT apply.

normal logic does NOT apply.

normal logic does NOT apply.

 

That's the trap we can fall into--we expect that since WE wouldn't behave callously--that others won't either. And we can rack our brains trying to make sense of it, and burn tons of energy trying to figure out the "whys".

 

At the end of the day, the "why do they act that way" doesn't matter.

What matters is that certain behaviors are hurtful, and unacceptable.

 

Jumping through hoops to be nice to them, in hopes that they'll "come around" isn't working, is it? In a way---it's rewarding bad behavior. You're essentially teaching them that they can crap all over you without consequences. The longer you do that, the more it's going to damage your self-esteem.

 

I have a big heart so it really is hard for me to try to imagine what that's like.

 

.

 

 

 

You have a new life ahead of you, with your upcoming marriage.

And there's no shame in leaving behind family members who can't be civil towards you. You don't owe them a relationship with you, just because you're related.

 

Cut them loose.Detach emotionally, and grieve the loss---and save your mental/emotional energy for relationships that are based on mutual respect and reciprocity.

 

Take some to consider how much of your precious energy this is taking from you---is it really worth it?

Instead of focusing on what they do, or don't do---work on increasing your self-esteem, and learning how to implement healthy boundaries for yourself.

[freestyle]

I don't know why I even bother having normal expectations of them. I don't know why I keep hoping they'll change. It is such a shame, I feel like a sick little puppy looking to be loved and they either kick me or shut me out in the cold.

 

 

Look up the story of the frog and the scorpion.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

Look up the story of the frog and the scorpion.

 

Just did, and it rings true!

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

You have a new life ahead of you, with your upcoming marriage.

And there's no shame in leaving behind family members who can't be civil towards you. You don't owe them a relationship with you, just because you're related.

 

Cut them loose.Detach emotionally, and grieve the loss---and save your mental/emotional energy for relationships that are based on mutual respect and reciprocity.

 

Take some to consider how much of your precious energy this is taking from you---is it really worth it?

Instead of focusing on what they do, or don't do---work on increasing your self-esteem, and learning how to implement healthy boundaries for yourself.

 

Hi Freestyle, sorry for delayed response, have been very busy with Thanksgiving and all the shopping/travelling afterwards! Spent it with the lovely family I will imminently be marrying into, I am a lucky girl in that respect. Being with them and my fiance was so relaxing, knowing that I wouldn't be criticized/bullied/called names/ostracised. An environment that is alien to me due to coming from such a dysfunctional family.

 

Makes one realise that things don't have to be that way, it has also made me see how my new in laws would not tolerate me being spoken to/treated so badly by my blood family. If my fiance or any of them actually saw them in action the drama would be immediately stopped. Maybe this is why my sisters have always seemed to conveniently dodged meeting my guy when he's been in town, I have never had anyone to back me in this particular dynamic therefore this would be a first. But they seem to want me to keep my position of the punchbag.

 

I enjoyed reading your response about the possible reasons they treat me so badly, at last someone gets it! I have had people previously suggest that I sit them down to discuss my feelings with them, but they blatantly feed off my tears and pain so why would that help?! Besides I have been down that route on numerous occasions and just seems to aggravate them. They either call me paranoid and tell me it''s all in my head, or tell me I deserve all I get from them because of how awful I am, making me cry even more. Seriously, even when I'm on the floor in severe distress hysterically crying they STILL continue to kick me. Nice.

 

I am trying to believe that it is them and their issues making them behave this way towards me, but it's so hard when you've always been blamed.

 

Right now the thing irking me most is how sister #1's long term boyfriend speaks to me. He is aggressive, raises his voice pretty much all the time, talks over me and is so intense and overpowering I cannot bear to even get into a conversation with him. Even when he's not picking on me, if I mention something very random (about the weather, for example) he will make a debate out of it and proceed to shout me down, he's always right and I'm wrong. He never lets me get a word in edgeways.

 

It really gets to me because he is not like this to anyone else as far as I know, so why did he choose me as a punch bag too? Must be learned behaviour from seeing how the rest of my family treat me. I hate how he's been conditioned to be this way, I remember when my sister first got with him 10 years ago he was really nice to me, but gradually his attitude towards me has become more and more sinister. Again he obviously has no respect for me which is disgraceful, who does he think he is? He speaks to me with such contempt, he must see me as a piece of s***.

 

My fiance is disgusted how I am treated by him and my sisters, I just wish he was there to back me when things kick off. Not that I will be going out of my way to ever put myself in that situation again of throwing myself to the lions.

 

So yes I will once again be cutting myself off from them, will remain civil though so as not to aggravate them any further. Mind you there's no pleasing them whenever I'm concerned - they will probably guilt me for being 'off' with them next. Even though they don't deserve to spend time with me anyway because at least 50% of the time they make me miserable when I am with them.

 

About setting boundaries for myself though - do you think my sisters (and that boyfriend) will ever learn to respect me or will I always be the scapegoat for them? I just ask because they are sooooooo appallingly rude to me amongst other bad behaviour that I really don't see it changing even if I implement these boundaries. Their attitudes, and my position in the family seem set in stone.

[klb92]

You know, I think you might honestly be better off not having them at your wedding. If that is how they treat you, they might end up ruining the happiness that you deserve on your big day! Really, it's probably for the best that they won't be there to be cruel to you, and to stress you out! I've been having issues with my family too, regarding my wedding. So my fiance and I are gonna elope! It's probably gonna piss my family off, but I don't want any negative energy brought into my wedding. A wedding is the beginning of a marriage, you don't deserve to have to start your marriage off with anyone bringing negative energy into it. Best of luck, and congrats on the engagement!

[klb92]

Also, I think you should stand up more for yourself with them. They have no right to treat you badly. I think in the future when they act like that, you should just leave! That way you will show them that you will not take their abuse.