Controlling parents

[trombean]

So my gf and I have been dating for a while, but her parents don't know. The reason being is that they don't approve of me and they completely forbid her to date me... Of course we do it anyways, but we don't want it to be like that. We have to keep it secret so that they don't find out and it's a huge pain in the butt. Also, she doesn't like keeping secrets from them; she feels guilty.

 

They seem to be really ok with me whenever I see them. Of course they think that me and her are just friends still. Back when we first started dating, I got drunk and sent her a text at 2 am saying "I love you" and they saw it. Ever since then, they've been afraid of me because they assume that's something a serial killer would do.

 

Her brother has also made a bunch of assumptions about me saying that I just want her for sex and that I'm going to be a manipulative jerk. They all have the completely wrong idea about me. And its hard to change that because they forbid her to be alone with me. So she can never invite me to her house so that I can talk to them and try to get on good terms with them. I only see them every once in a while.

 

We want to both talk to her parents about it, but we're not exactly sure how to go about it. The moment her mom finds out, she's going to freak out... So we're not sure whether we should ask or just tell them.

 

We're thinking about asking permission so that it's at least polite and respectful. And since she lives in a mexican family, that's usually the courteous thing to do. But we don't know what to do if her mom says no. Also, she's not sure if I should be there when she asks. She thinks that she'll just get mad because having me there will be too much pressure on her. But also, if I'm not there, it'll be easier for her to say whatever she wants. And according to her, every time she's brought it up, her mom won't even let her talk. She'll just say "No, and that's final" without even letting her get a word in.

 

We COULD just TELL her that we want to date, but again, being from a mexican family, that's a little disrespectful. And she's paying for her college and her car and giving her a place to live, so of course she's going to be very offended that her daughter is going against her wishes.

 

She's not so much worried about her dad. She think he'll support her. But at the same time, no one in her family really listens to her dad, so it's mostly a matter of convincing her mom.

 

Also, because she's going to school, her mom might use that as an excuse not to let her. She'll say she needs to focus on school, so we're not sure if it's just better to wait until the semester is over to ask.

 

This whole thing is a huge mess and we just want it to be over with already. Any advice on what we should do?

[january2011]

Any advice on what we should do?

 

Wait until she is emotionally and financially independent from her parents.

 

Do not get her pregnant.

[trombean]

Wait until she is emotionally and financially independent from her parents.

 

Do not get her pregnant.

 

That's going to be another three years, and it's really stressful keeping this hidden from her parents. We want to get it out of the way as soon as we can.

[Daniel V. Ross]

Why not try to visit her at home rather than dating her outside? This will help to gain the trust of her parents.

[trombean]

Why not try to visit her at home rather than dating her outside? This will help to gain the trust of her parents.

Because her parents won't let me come over unless it's with a group of people. And even then, it can only be every once in a while because all our friends are really busy.

[turnera]

Have you considered dating someone whose parents WILL let you date? So you don't have to teach your girlfriend how to lie and sneak? Just sayin'.

 

I take it you're in high school. I'll tell you what I told my DD22 - high school is for trying on different people to find what kind of person is a good fit for you. Go out but don't go steady; see a lot of people; see what kind clicks. And if one person is too much trouble to go out with, try someone else because nearly all relationships in high school won't last more than a year or two anyway, cos you're both still growing up and changing a lot.

[JamesM]

Have you considered dating someone whose parents WILL let you date? So you don't have to teach your girlfriend how to lie and sneak? Just sayin'.

 

 

Ditto.

 

 

And her parents may have a good reason to dislike you when they think of you with their daughter. This doesn't always mean they dislike you as a person...as evidenced by you as her friend. Being a parent, I totally understand.

 

Now here is a red flag for you not wanting her as a future partner....

 

Read what you said......

But at the same time, no one in her family really listens to her dad,

 

In other words, no one has respect for her dad. Carried out farther, her image of a dad is a man who isn't to be respected. The role model of a marriage is what she had as a child. And her view of a husband and father is based on her father. You are wanting to be her partner and possibly future husband and the father of her children.

 

Do you want to grow up to be her father someday? And please don't say..."I am different."

 

Just another thought to consider.

[trombean]

Lol no I'm not gonna go looking for someone else. I understand what you guys are trying to say and I appreciate your advice, but its out of the question for me

[turnera]

I don't care what it is for you. I care that you're selfish enough that you're complicit in teaching your girlfriend to lie to her parents. Great pattern to set for the rest of her life.

[trombean]

I don't care what it is for you. I care that you're selfish enough that you're complicit in teaching your girlfriend to lie to her parents. Great pattern to set for the rest of her life.

It's her choice as much as it is mine. And she tried several times to get her mom's permission, but she won't even let her say a word. And she's 21, she should be allowed to date whoever she wants.

 

I never made the decision for her to go behind her parents back. I never even suggested it. But she told me that she's a grown woman and she should be allowed to make her own decisions.

[turnera]

Wait, what?

 

We all assumed you were in high school.

 

For heaven's sake, just tell her mom you're dating!

[trombean]

Wait, what?

 

We all assumed you were in high school.

 

For heaven's sake, just tell her mom you're dating!

Lol well I did mention that her mom is paying for her college in my original post But it's ok

 

Yeah, she told me yesterday that she just wants to TELL her mom we're dating and do this on friday. But that might cause a lot of drama, so I have no idea what's going to happen. It's going to be like armageddon after we do. Any tips on what we should say exactly?

 

She wants to just start off by saying that she likes me a lot and that we're going to date. And then I'm going to jump in and let her mom know that I promise to take very good care of her and that I'll respect all her wishes and bring her home on time everyday. I'll ask her if there's anything we can work out so that she can trust me better and feel safer about her daughter dating me... And then after that, she wants me to eat with her family at least once a week so they can get to know me better and understand that I'm not a bad person. Is all this good?

[JamesM]

Lol well I did mention that her mom is paying for her college in my original post But it's ok

 

Yeah, she told me yesterday that she just wants to TELL her mom we're dating and do this on friday. But that might cause a lot of drama, so I have no idea what's going to happen. It's going to be like armageddon after we do. Any tips on what we should say exactly?

 

I have found that well planned conversations never seem to happen as planned.

 

And accepting tips from posters here who really have no clue what her family is like may be not the best thing.

 

Say what is on your mind and go from there. The tone should be respectful and burn no bridges. Keep the future in mind. What is said to day may be regretted tomorrow.

 

She wants to just start off by saying that she likes me a lot and that we're going to date. And then I'm going to jump in and let her mom know that I promise to take very good care of her and that I'll respect all her wishes and bring her home on time everyday. I'll ask her if there's anything we can work out so that she can trust me better and feel safer about her daughter dating me... And then after that, she wants me to eat with her family at least once a week so they can get to know me better and understand that I'm not a bad person. Is all this good?

 

Yes, because it is coming from her. She knows her family. And I like that she is assertive enough to go ahead and talk with them.

 

Let us know how it turns out.

[trombean]

We didn't do it today because our plan kinda fell apart lol

 

We're going to have another friend and I go to her house since I'm not allowed to be there by myself, and he's going to leave early so that we can talk to her. That way it won't be overly dramatic with me just showing up at her house unannounced...

 

Unfortunatley the friend had something come up, and either way her family wanted to eat out. So we're going to try another day. Hopefully tomorrow

[daily]

It is more helpful to all the people by the family planning to all . I hope all the child are become polite by the family background and it is a good.

[Sugarkane]

Because her parents won't let me come over unless it's with a group of people. And even then, it can only be every once in a while because all our friends are really busy.

 

I find this very odd.

[trombean]

I find this very odd.

They're very protective of her. They didn't let her go to public bathrooms by herself until she was 18

[trombean]

She went ahead and told them without me :/

 

According to her it turned into a giant screaming match and they basically said no and that they would never allow it :/ And that she's lucky that they even let her be my friend. Her brother was backing her up, but it doesn't seem like it made a difference. Her mom also wants her to see a therapist now because she MUST be crazy for liking me.

 

It was a disaster. Now we don't know what to do.

Edited October 21, 2012 by trombean

[turnera]

Help her move out.

 

Sometimes you just have to cut ties with your folks - for a while - while you start living like an adult. Later, after you've established yourself as an adult - degree, jobs, etc. - you can come back on even terms. And then, if they still can't handle it, you leave again. Basically, you TEACH them to respect you as an adult.

 

Help her search for a roommate, help her seek out scholarships and grants (she'll be on her own financially, so she should be able to get some) and if not, just do loans. Their money isn't worth living like this.

 

I do agree, however, that she needs to see a therapist. Go ahead and let them pay for it - she can go and the therapist can start helping her figure out how to stand on her own two feet so she can move on and start being an adult. The therapist will help her get the skills she needs to stand up to these helicopter parents.

[SpiralOut]

She went ahead and told them without me :/

 

According to her it turned into a giant screaming match and they basically said no and that they would never allow it :/ And that she's lucky that they even let her be my friend. Her brother was backing her up, but it doesn't seem like it made a difference. Her mom also wants her to see a therapist now because she MUST be crazy for liking me.

 

It was a disaster. Now we don't know what to do.

 

Oh the irony. Seeing a therapist will probably (hopefully) help her to get away from her crazy control-freak parents.

[trombean]

She wants to move out, but right now she kinda has no choice but to depend on them.

 

We're thinking about trying to talk to them again. This time with me there to defend myself.

[turnera]

She wants to move out, but right now she kinda has no choice but to depend on them.

Bull****. Excuses.

 

My mom moved away the month, no the week, I graduated high school. No warning. I got an apartment, bought a car, went full time, AND went to school without a dime from anyone.

[trombean]

No, it really would be hard for her. She's struggling with hard classes right now and she studies literally all day long. She wakes up at 5:00am, studies, goes to school, comes home and studies until 11:00 everyday and she's still barely managing to make it. It's harder for some people than it is for others, but she's already working extremely hard.

[SpiralOut]

It sounds like she's not ready to make changes as far as her parents are concerned. She doesn't know what to do because she doesn't know what she wants. The question is, are you willing to wait for her to make up her mind about how serious she is about you. At this point it could go either way.

[turnera]

No, it really would be hard for her. She's struggling with hard classes right now and she studies literally all day long. She wakes up at 5:00am, studies, goes to school, comes home and studies until 11:00 everyday and she's still barely managing to make it. It's harder for some people than it is for others, but she's already working extremely hard.

Then it shouldn't matter where she lives. She can rent a room from some old single lady who needs a few bucks. The old lady would probably even cook her meals.