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In-Laws and the Future


RiverRunning

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I do find myself sort of wondering why I wanted to get married. Before we were engaged, my future in-laws and I weren't really close, and things between us were 'silently' tense (i.e., I know FMIL and FSIL do not like me...regardless of what they say to others). They seemed to have very little interest in me. His mother hinted that she wanted us to get married (to me: not to him. Peculiar). Then we got engaged, and suddenly it was a zoo - very warm and affectionate toward me, his sister calling me her "new sister," etc. My family is totally different in that regard - it doesn't go from 0 to 60 - so I find it peculiar.

 

I've had some troubles with his family. To cut it short, I find his mom, sister and dad to be incredibly rude people. The types who go to a restaurant, a waitress makes a mistake, they never say anything, eat it, then hand her the empty plate and complain (yes, this really happened).

 

I've given his sister and brother-in-law HUNDREDS of dollars of gifts this year with a quick thank-you at her baby shower. $100 when she found out her hubby had testicular cancer (called and thanked her brother; never asked to speak to me after learning I was in the room).

 

Never got a thank-you. Spent $350 on their baby shower. Got a thank-you from her at the shower, nothing from him; neither my mom nor I got a thank-you card from the shower (I'm especially incensed about what happened with my mom). They sent out thank-you cards, as FSIL bragged about how quickly she finished her cards on Facebook.

 

I start thinking about the future and when I have kids of my own. My in-laws are not "so horrible we should cut off contact" but they are bad enough that I would be humiliated if my kid picked up any of their traits. They're bad influences: they look down on others and they're rude.

 

Case in point: I asked the future in-laws how they were doing and what they were up to. FMIL said they were up to nothing, and I said "Oh, that's not bad." She turns to me and says, "That must be a relief, with your family." I have never said anything about my family to her. I said, "Actually, just my cousin's antics keep me entertained." She seemed to realize what she said, then, and stfu.

 

Then there's the time we put the deposit for our hall for the reception. An open bar was included in our package. She says, in front of my mom and all, "Well, that won't be a problem. I know no one in our family will cause trouble because none of us drink." ...

 

That statement tells me right there she's going to be a bigger and bigger pain about the wedding - likely complaining about the tables her family gets and all, being catty about some perceived bias.

 

It makes me strongly reconsider ever having children. My FSIL is already so jealous of me I can practically see the flames shooting out of her eyes. if I make a positive change in my life - whether it's losing weight or signing up for a race - suddenly she's gung-ho about doing the same thing the very next day. I don't mind that.

 

What I mind is that suddenly she'll start offering me unsolicited advice (I signed up for a 5k, and when she heard about it, suddenly she wanted to flood me with tips on running and how fast her run times are and...).

 

She was so jealous when she heard about our engagement (she was 4 months pregnant and had announced it nearly 3 months earlier) she started saying passive-aggressive garbage to me because she wanted us to wait longer to get married (her kid will be 4 months old at the wedding. This was done on purpose to allow her time to recover. Apparently not good enough for her).

 

FI almost caved and wanted the wedding later in the year for her - I reminded him that they are ALREADY talking about kids #2 and #3. I am not waiting 5 frakin' years until she's done being a baby machine to have my OWN life. Also no difference between a 4-month old child and a year-old child as far as a wedding goes.

 

She's been a spoiled brat who has had all eyes on her since she was born, practically. Now another woman is entering the family and any positive attention that we get (I'm not a show-seeker. I wanted to elope) is perceived as a threat to her. When they came to visit, FBIL mentioned our engagement - I said NOTHING about it. I don't want their attention. She sat icily and stared at me the entire time.

 

If I have a kid, I can predict that FSIL will see it as competition: endless unsolicited advice about pregnancy and raising my own kid. She'll probably drum up competition between our children. FMIL, because we live close and FSIL is so far away, will probably want to act like my best friend and see our kid a lot. I don't want to be close to these people. We're polar opposites, they're nasty (in terms of demeanor) and I don't want our kids learning from it.

 

FI knows I'm not a fan of his family (given their treatment over the years - being invasive and asking me invasive questions) and respects it. But I do not want these people baby-sitting our kids. I basically want involvement to be about what it is now: when we see them for special events (birthdays, someone visiting, etc.) for one to two hours, then go home.

 

My kid will definitely never be watched by FSIL (FI and I seem to agree there: we both see her as very immature and irresponsible). But I am worried he will want his parents to have more involvement, and that me choosing my brother or my best friend as baby-sitters will be perceived as an insult. My brother and best friend are excellent with kids - we've all grown up surrounded with babies and toddlers. I know what they're like with children.

 

I know nothing about my future in-laws and how they handle kids (I know that I do not trust FSIL to stop posting on Facebook long enough to watch a kid). How would you even bring up a conversation like this with your partner? "by the way, I hate your family and I don't want them watching our kids?" I want to be on the same page about this. For what it's worth, I wouldn't really want my parents watching kids either: but that has more to do with physical ability rather than personality (although personality isn't much better).

 

WTF do I even do in this situation? I ask myself why I ever wanted to get married. Then again, I didn't know it would turn into all of this. I'd go from just being "meh, his girlfriend" to his future wife and potential mother of the grandkids.

 

Help. I already hate my in-laws.

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Help. I already hate my in-laws.

Hate is a pretty strong word. And since you have to learn to live with 'em, I think it is time to start dialing back the vitriol as it is only going to make it worse for you.

 

I do find myself sort of wondering why I wanted to get married.

This is going to be the crux of your problem - you are not dealing with the people in your life but questioning your marriage?

 

I've given his sister and brother-in-law HUNDREDS of dollars of gifts this year with a quick thank-you at her baby shower. $100 when she found out her hubby had testicular cancer (called and thanked her brother; never asked to speak to me after learning I was in the room).

 

Never got a thank-you. Spent $350 on their baby shower. Got a thank-you from her at the shower, nothing from him; neither my mom nor I got a thank-you card from the shower (I'm especially incensed about what happened with my mom). They sent out thank-you cards, as FSIL bragged about how quickly she finished her cards on Facebook.

This shows me how incredibly materialistic you are. Why are you qualifying your relationship with them based on how much you have spent? If you are that upset about it, then stop spending so much and give them smaller, less expensive gifts. The money issue is entirely YOUR problem - they may not even realize how much you have spent.

 

I start thinking about the future and when I have kids of my own. My in-laws are not "so horrible we should cut off contact" but they are bad enough that I would be humiliated if my kid picked up any of their traits. They're bad influences: they look down on others and they're rude.

Here's the reality: Kids are taught manners and if you are a great parent, you should be able to deflect what they are being taught by the in-laws. Do you see these traits in the man you wanted to marry? Did he learn these rude behaviors?

 

I am not trying to diminish the problem, but offer some perspective that you are projecting part of it yourself (mainly the money issues). Find what is good in these people (how they created your guy?) and emphasize and work with the good stuff.

 

Or give up on trying to be part of this family. You kinda only have two choices...

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RR, how old are you?

 

I've seen your posts before and honestly I do wish I would have waited. I don't know if I would do everything over again and I know it's sad to say. I'm young and have already been through so much grief in my marriage enough for a couple married 20 years, not 5.

 

Consider post-poning the wedding. You'll be glad you did.

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Expecting recognition for doing something kind for them is being materialistic? That's an interesting perspective you have on it. I gave a great deal of money because I knew they needed it (and will no more). Yes, frankly, I do expect people to be a little less flippant and a little more appreciative when they're getting quite a bit from someone instead of a small gift.

 

Frankly, yes, I expect a thank-you card after attending a baby shower or a wedding. That's just the etiquette. I expect an acknowledgement of a gift, even if it's just a "I received it" or "thank-you." I heard nothing after the baby shower. As they live out of state, I had no idea if they had their gift, if FMIL took it, or if someone else was taking it to take to FSIL later on. I'm so sorry that I mentioned dollar amounts, as clearly that's been hi-jacked as what I'm upset about, rather than the very clear point I feel I made.

 

I'm judging my relationship with them based on the fact that they will call to thank someone else for a gift, but blatantly not acknowledge me or the gift that I gave. THAT is the issue.

 

So maybe I was exaggerating with "this makes me reconsider marrying" - but the fact that I have to deal with these people, well, forever, makes me consider how much of an impact that's going to have on our marriage. I don't think that's at all foolish - that's a pragmatic look. Clearly, the two of us getting engaged changed the entire ball game for them. Once we were engaged, they became more disrespectful and more demanding.

 

You know nothing of what I've done to these people or how I've treated them - so I really don't understand all of the snap judgments about my character or the assumption that I've done something to earn their treatment. I am respectful and I generally keep my mouth shut. I have controlled how I respond to my feelings, but I can't 'turn off' the feelings I have for them. I've been courteous, generous, helpful and polite to them.

 

I can only think of one offensive thing: I was talking with his sister about cheating and I mentioned that I would dump someone who cheated on me. Turns out she cheated on FBIL before they were married. It got awkward after that and I said nothing. That's it, and that happened a few years ago.

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In my opinion, when you have problems with in-laws, it boils down to your SO. Do you trust him to stand by you, run interference and protect you from the worst of it? If not, then don't marry him.

 

Your in-laws are your in-laws. Sometimes things get better with time when they realise that you aren't going anywhere. Sometimes things don't. You can choose to not spend time with them. But that's got to be agreed with your SO. Because how you treat his family reflects on him as much as it reflects on you. These are the people he grew up with. So, you can either be partners and present a united front. Or not.

 

Talk to him. If what he says doesn't satisfy you and you believe that you are being entirely reasonable, then it's clear that you can't get married. At least, not until you are on the same page about this.

 

As an aside, I've got to agree with Carrie about the money issue. Even if you don't agree with her assessment about materalism, it shows that there appears to be a culture clash of sorts and his family are just not your kind of people. So, you either find a middle ground or accept that you are never going to be best buddies and practice tolerance - if you decide to go ahead with the marriage.

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Ninjainpajamas

I'm not going to go as far as saying you are materialistic, however your expectations in terms of spending money were not likely reasonable or realistic.

 

It's your choice to spend your money on them on how much, I think you did these things somewhat as a grand gesture to earn their sympathies but they're probably not the type of people who would be bought over, so there's something about you otherwise that rubs them the wrong way.

 

I think the outpouring of niceties and warming gestures were part of the "trying to accept you into the family" kind of a preemptive strike. Maybe they were just being happy for you and their son, has their son been married before or your future possible husband?

 

Wedding announcements are usually a positive thing that invoke a positive reaction typically, even If it's only as deep as face value, but still I'm sure they realize they have to open up to you more and get to know you If you're going to be around in the future as his wife, also the gloves will kind of come off because you'll no longer be an "outsider" and be privy to the family drama now.

 

I think what concerns me the most is your communication level (always surprises me what couples don't talk about) and how dedicated you really are to this man...you seem to have a defeatist and pessimistic view of the situation already and instead of feeling eager to work and resolve things you seem leaning more to the side of backing out...which really makes me question why you're even marrying this guy...sounds like a personal choice thing honestly, at least from the sound of it.

 

Furthermore you didn't even really even go into detail about his stance or where he is coming from, or his opinion about this...surprisingly once again due to the communication and secondly because maybe you're not so concerned what he is prepared to do or how he feels about the situation? Seems like a completely one-dimensional thing here, It's just about you, you, you.

 

This will be your marriage and your kids....together, not yours or his, which means you can't just say "Well I don't approve of this person in your family or this person...althouuuuugh, my friends who happen to be great and wonderful would be a great supplement so we don't even really need those people...I mean your family, because they are horrible".

 

This guy was raised by these people correct? you are happy with the guy you are marrying I'm assume or are you really not thinking or comparing him to this situation? Is it irrelevant because your kids are more important and under your control that you wouldn't even consider how these people would be around your children?

 

I'm not saying they're great people, but I mean c'mon...most families and people have issues, and a little baby-sitting time isn't going to be avoidable, you can't lock his family out of his life, you marry the man and the family comes with it. And I think that's the bridge you are crossing, but why all of a sudden now?

 

Anyway, you really need to talk about everything and anything...ask him how he feels about having children and what are his worries....like actually care what he thinks and wants as well instead of what you just want, then talk it out and communicate...tell him your concerns and feelings about things without being passive aggressive or attacking his family, this is his family not some random strangers or even friends, you should take that always into consideration...say as much as you need to get the point across but don't go on and on and on because likely he already realizes and recognizes some of the things you are concerned with but he's not going to talk to you If you're just be a self-absorbed b!tch about the whole thing.

 

I think you really should be asking yourself "why you're getting married"...it seems like now that the reality is settling in you're having some exaggerated concerns...are you sure you aren't just trying to sabotage the relationship?

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I have a similar problem with MY family and my SO and I have talked through it a lot and have made a decision when the future comes. I think the key IS TALKING WITH YOUR SO... YOU ARE A TEAM, YOU HAVE TO MAKE DECISIONS TOGETHER. IF YOU CAN'T HAVE THIS TALK WITH HIM, THEN YOU SHOULD BE QUESTIONING YOURSELF THE WEDDING... YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO TALK WITH HIM ABOUT ANYTHING.

 

My father has been out of the picture for a while because of some issues he's having and is living out of state. My mother is running the house horribly and we (SO and I) tried to help in every way we could. We sacrificed every single free time we had and SO would usually leave work to help until it was too much. I was the one saying it was enough. None of them (my mother, father or siblings) realized how much we were doing, were ungreatful and so on). We even ended in Couples Therapy for this.

 

One year later, we hardly go there. The last time we went the dogs were full of fleas, wich we took home with us, our cats were infected and so was our house. I ended up taking sleeping pills because I couldn't sleep for it and got to have 50 bites in my body at the same time. And the cats were all hurted because of all the scratching. We had to fumigate our house (which costed money we didn't have) and I told my sister until they didn't have the house desinfected I wasn't going back, even for Mother's day (which is next sunday here). I told her that two weeks ago. She treated me like ****, telling me who I thought I was and blah blah blah. I don't know if they did, and I don't care anymore. SO is texting my mother today to find out, because in case they have, we have to organize mother's day... yes, we're in charge.

We used to be in charge of all the gatherings in my family's house until I had enough. Later every time we went they would complain that we didn't cook anymore...

 

About children: I have one nephew and he's a monster when he's visiting my family, screaming, throwing stuff on the floor, kicking the dogs. But a year ago we had to babysit him because his grandfather was dying. He spent all day in our place for weeks, and he was GREAT. He behaved like a different kid, wasn't violent with our cats, played with them, went to sleep when he was told to, eat whatever I gave him... those things never happen at my parent's house, where he's the boss.

That's when we realized that we would be good parents, but we wanted our future kids away from them.

 

I know it was hard for SO to tell me he didn't want our children growing up in that house. But he knew I'd understand. As soon as he said those words I said HELL NO!!!!!! I WON'T LET THAT HAPPEN!

Before all this mess we used to say that whenever we had children we would take them over on Friday and pick them up on Monday morning before school LOL... but now we know that would NEVER happen and our children would go there maybe on festivities... if they want to see our kids, then come to my house, where we have our rules and the children are not monsters. I do fear to alieante them from the family, and I don't want them growing up away from their cousins, but I don't see any other option.

 

So, basically, TALK WITH YOUR S.O.!!!!!!!!!!!!

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