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Jacka$$ dad


4givrnt4gtr

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So long story short I come from a very very messy family. My father had a long term affair and ended up having a child with the mistress. When he found that out he send me, my siblings and my mother to another country so we wouldn't find out. (Ofcourse at the time we already knew, and at that time I was 11 years old).

 

Anyhow, he promised that he was going to join us eventually, and that he just wanted to "organize" everything in our home country. 2 years later he tells us that he didnt have any more money so my mom had to work 2 full time jobs in order to keep my and my siblings afloat. Still, my dad kept calling us every week with a sob story and ofcourse demanding affection and respect. So bassically, my father stopped helping me financially since I was 13 years old.

 

Well, fastforward 8 years later, i have not seen my dad since I was 11. He finally decided to come for my high school graduation. At this point we still held onto the hope that he would change, come to live with us, and live like a normal family. Unfortunately, those hopes did not last as he told us he was only here for a week and was only "a visitor".

 

At this point I was so upset I totally (i thought anyway) gave up the hope of a normal family. I went off to college, which I completely paid by myself without any help from him. I worked full time and did everything I could to get scholarships so I could pay it off.

 

However, my dad ofcourse is still around. He comes and goes back to our country at random intervals, always saying he is broke and can't help us at all.

 

Well, this past year I have come to know more about his son, and in fact have gotten to talk to him. This may have been a huge mistake because now I know for a fact my dad had enough economic resources all along. The kid told me that my dad put in one of the best schools in the country, took him to vacations every year to the Caribbean etc and this year has paid for him to travel all over the world.

All this while we were struggling to survive in a foreign country.

 

On top of that, he has come here several times (hoping to get his own legal documents ofcourse), saying he has no money, thus living completely for free at my mom's house, while she works her butt off to pay rent and food. Ofcourse I realize this is her fault just as much as his because she's putting up with it, but i feel that its also our fault (me and my siblings) for continuing to be in contact with him.

 

So after finding out how he has lied to us all along, and after he attempted to have me do something for him to get him out of a problem he got himself in PLUS asking me to be his chauffeur for a day I decided I just do not want to deal with him anymore and will cut him off....

 

But Im not sure if this is the best move....

 

So my point is...has anyone ever had a difficult relaitonship with a parent? Have you decided to cut them from your life? if so, what was the result of that?

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Honey, i need to talk to you.

 

You know how my family is, when i tell you about those things i can see that you pity my condition. I do not need that.

It really stirs some bad emotions inside of me, because in a way it hits at my pride, and what i accomplished.

I do not want your pity, i will take your love.

 

You also referred to my family as 'hot mess'.

I do agree with you to some extent, but i don't like that you think like that about my family.

It's normal that we try to protect those that we are related to, and when you say that, it brings up a lot of negative emotions.

When you say this kind of stuff, i feel like i have to be in a corner defending my family, because it is still ... my family.

 

I love you, and it would help me a lot if i had your support in these ways.

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Thank you!!!

 

Although I changed that last part to another side of the site, this answer really really helps!!!!

 

I think i will definitely use this as soon as it comes up again

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Wow, you dad sounds A LOT like my dad. J$ck$ss is my H's favorite term for my father. My dad barely spent a cent on me when I came to live with him when I was 8. I did go on a few vacations with him, but the moment I turned 16, he forced me to work and even threatened to make me pay rent (still a minor and very illegal) I had to pay for everything myself, even my own medications and such. He was also emotionally and physically abusive, so I moved out right when I turned 18. Been 100% on my own ever since. He brags about how much money he makes and then says he doesn't have much money to me and my brother and that he has his own bills to pay. :rolleyes: While hearing him brag, I am a struggling 23 year old college student with credit card debt, don't even have my own car and paying very high rent in my area. Basically, I am scraping by so I don't have to live with him. All he talks about is going to other countries to meet women, even talked about having a child with a much younger woman if she put out for him. His recent exW is 20 years younger than him and she has an 11 year old daughter whom he helped bring into the country and support. While me and my brother struggle. I'm past the point of resentment and keep him very minimal in my life. I've realized it's not me, it's him and he has a lot of issues. It's hard to explain, but I think he does care for me, but he just wants to spend all his money on himself. I'm also tired of hearing him talk about weight, as it makes me self concious and about my husband. It's kind of a love/hate thing. My dad raised me and I think in a way he tried, but he's been and still is caught up in his own issues to help my brother and I.

 

In your case, your dad has hardly been in your life so I'm assuming it would be easier for you to let him go and move on with your life. It's too bad there are prick parents out there like this.

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Radu I agree, if i want him to stop saying crap I should start doing so myself. Yet...its so hard...and actually half the time is not what I say, its what they do. (For instance my older, fully employed sister calling me early last weekend for me to go put gas in her car so she can go drive 2 hours to spend the long weekend somewhere else...he witness this and was completely appalled given that I am a grad student living on loans and the part time job I have).

 

But, I shall try.

 

And pink-sugar, yeah I wish it was easier to cut him off, but my mom is adamant about making us talk to him.. Yesterday i just told her what I had just found out, how hurt I am that he would care so little about my well being yet still demand so much and how I didnt want to deal with him anymore. SHe agreed and said I had every right to feel that way.

 

I called her today and she tells me my dad is there with her and knows its me on the phone. I tell her thats just dandy and kept asking her how she was. When I told her I was gonna hang up she insisted I talk to him to say hi. I said no and I hanged up. So you see....my mom is partly responsible for what he has done to us. She has never stood up to him, has never demanded respect from him...she just takes whatever he wishes to dish at her, and along the way, hurt and disrespect us.

 

But in any case, yes I think my best bet is continue moving along and get him completely out of my life

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That actually sounds like my grandmother and grandfather. My mom has actually tried to cut my grandfather off for years, because he never financially or emotionally supported her and abused her. My grandmother and aunt (her sister) kept seeing him, (despite the fact my grandparents are divorced and he cheated on her throughout most of the 20 year marriage). I can see how hard that would be if the rest of your family flocks to him. Try to keep your distance if you cannot remove him from the picture entirely.

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