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Is my mother narcissistic or is it just me?


capricorndreamgurl3

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capricorndreamgurl3

I love my mother very much, and she has done a lot for me in my life, but she drives me mad. It seems like the older she gets, the more or a narcissist she becomes. I will tell a few stories to prove my point, so sorry for the novel here.

 

I recently had a wedding and when I told her that I was getting married and that I needed her help, she basically took it all over and did things her way. I know that you guys will say that she was paying for it, so she had a right to make it her way, but still, it was very stressful dealing with her during this time. I suggested that we have the wedding catered because it would have been a lot of work for her to cook for the wedding. But, she insisted that she do all the cooking because she thought her cooking would be way better than anyone else. So the week prior to the wedding, she makes my dad call me and guilt trip me into coming home immediately (I live farther away from them) and in her words she is stressing out because she has a lot to do and she is losing it. I got angry immediately. Then, when my husband was helping us decorate for the wedding, he made a suggestion to my mom about how to do the silverware placement. So my mom liked and we did it that way. When someone told her how nice it was, she decided to take credit for the idea, making my husband slightly angry. She also criticized the cake that we had, saying that she could have done a better job. It was the one that we wanted and that we payed for. I appreciated everything she did, but I feel like she was doing it to put on a show for everyone and get attention.

 

Also, she always whines about how much she misses me and everything and expects me to drive 300 mi to come see her, while she never makes an effort to come and see me. I always come over when she starts her little guilt trips like "Wahhhh, you don't care about me". I just get in the car and go see her so she will calm down. I give into her because I don't want to be a terrible daughter. However, when I ask her to come and see me, she always makes excuses, such as "I don't have money to get a hotel room". I have told her countless times that she can stay at my apartment because we have a spare bedroom that she can stay in. But there is always an excuse so that she gets her way. Also, as she complains about money, she is also planning a trip to the beach in a couple of months, and she won't even come see her daughter. I am angry about this. She also wants me to drive all the way home (which is 5 hours away) and then ride with her for 6 more hours, and then after the trip drive back home 6 hours just so she doesn't get lost driving on the trip. She drives me mad.

 

Also, my husband and I had to stay with his in-laws for a period of time because he lost his job and my parents for some reason had a problem with him coming to live there too. I had a job rejection that made me really upset and I start crying. The only person I told was my husband and I wrote a Facebook status about it. His mother goes online and says "It is okay. You guys have a place to stay until things get better.". My mother sees this and gets angry, thinking that I ran and told his mom and didn't even call to tell her this. She goes on about how I don't care about her anymore and that his mom is replacing her. I told her to calm down and that I wasn't. Is it such a crime for a mother-in-law to be supportive of her daughter-in-law? I think not.

 

My mom has always been critical of me. She has always told me I was fat and always controlled every aspect of my life. So, do you guys think that she may be a narcissist or do you think I am just taking things out of proportion? If she is a narcissist , how do I deal with her. I have had enough of her behavior. She is driving my husband and I crazy. Thanks guys!

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dreamingoftigers

Yes,

 

Your mother sounds an awful lot like my father.

 

My father is a total narcissist. Especially the wedding thing LOL!

 

Something about weddings brings the crazy right out in them!

My Dad cooks as well and pulled the same thing BUT he left it too late and ordered Chinese takeout for everyone!

 

I didn't let him pay for the wedding simply because he would've controlled the whole thing, plus, I knew that he would yank support for it if I wasn't beyond-the-Moon worshipping him for it.

 

There isn't much you can do with a narcissist (or a really insecure person for that matter and IMHO a narcissist is a person with so many insecurities and traumatic bluntings that they CANNOT see the effect they have on anyone else but themselves and require CONSTANT external validation.)

 

The only thing you can do is draw your line in the sand and back away when they go off of their nut. Sometimes if you are lucky, they get it. Othertimes, not.

 

My father and I have no relationship to speak of. I'm fine with that. He chose it and he doesn't reach out to me in any way, my mother is slightly better and defends him constantly (she is totally dependent on him and years of abuse (not physical) have broken her down.)

 

Once you realize that they are just about them and that they aren't going to meet you even 10%, you feel bad for seeing it. Then you feel bad for them having this issue, and even a little responsible, like "well if I know he/she totally messed up, don't they need someone understanding?"

 

Then you realize that you can't dedicate your entire life to their neuroses. You JUST CAN'T. Even if you spent 24/7 telling them how great they are, they'd say things like "well if I'm so great then why did you wear purple socks fourteen years ago? You know I don't like purple." or they'd make something up because they just feel bad, and it can't be because of something to do with THEM, it must be because someone close to them UPSET them.

 

Now really, if you felt a little jealous or being replaced by your daughter's mother-in-law, what would you do? Would you freak right out? Probably not. You'd probably do something sensical, like realize it's NICE to have nice inlaws and maybe you spend a little more time with your daughter because maybe the two of you are growing distant.

 

You can't fix her, and there is no reason to feel bad about that. You can't constantly appease her either because, well, you have a life that requires you to make boundaries around it to be happy.

 

It's so weird that this thread comes up after I thought about my Dad and the wedding yesterday. He can't just "help," he has to "dominate." a lot of people don't get that. Usually when there is a major event, like a wedding, people say "what can I do to help?" and then you say, "well I need xyz done." and they say "oh sure" OR "you know, I suck at that" OR "now I'm just throwing this out here, but do you think red plates and purple napkins are how you want to do that, or do you think maybe sticking to two closer colours?"

 

Narcissists are like "YOU NEED green and blue cups and since I threw copious amounts of coin this way, that's the way it is. You are acting like you don't even appreciate my help!"

 

I think that the only way around it is to remove the power card no matter how good it can look. Don't accept the money or whatever. Don't accept anything that they can pull the rug out from you. Accept gifts but do not accept the string attached to them. If so and so buys you a diamond tiara, don't feel beholden on your limited newlywed budget to get them an even bugger diamond tiara. Accept it, thank them, get them the gift certificate to East Side Mario's. You aren't beholden to spend the rest of your life returning in kind a gift that you can't afford. That's what makes it a "gift" and not an "obligation." especially with a gift you'd never even want.

 

My dad does this nasty little trick. For example, I got a flat last year in a community south of mine. I tried to change the tire but it turned out that I had "locking lug nuts." So I left the car overnight and my husband was going to purchase a cracking kit the next day (around $30-50).

 

My father locates the car, gets it towed. Removes the rest of the locking lug nuts, replaces all four tires. And then tells me I owe him about $1000!

 

Hell no! No one asked him to do that! Are you kidding?!

 

There's been more then a few instances of stuff like that. He says I "owe" him about $10000. Ridiculous. No freaking way. Sigh.

 

Well, best of luck. She'lldrive you crazy if you let her. Unfortunately you've got some nice inlaws which means if you set up any reasonable boundaries (I.e. Don't call at 3 am) she will tell you that you have clearly replaced her with you inlaws. Or that your husband has "split the family" or some such garbage.

 

My aunt bought me nice clothes and my parents couldn't even pick up a phone to call me. They "waaahed" about me not calling. I mentioned that the phones worked both ways, you can call out as well as receive. (they would go months without contacting me usually after telling me what a fat disappointment I was to them). The response I got to that was "I shouldn't have to compete with my sister! You clearly chose her." well, crap. What can you do with crazy? Just avoid the Hell out of it.

 

Luckily for me, my parents have many others on hand that they can treat disposably. I don't have to be their only release valve anymore. There's house staff now :)

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capricorndreamgurl3

I am glad to see that I am not the only one in the world who has a narcissistic parent or parents. I have been wanting to distance myself from my mother for the longest time, just to save my own sanity and to save my husband from being hurt, but I would feel guilty, even though it would benefit me greatly. I guess I am scared that if something bad were to happen to her after cutting her off for some time, I would feel guilty and feel like I contributed to it. My dad told me when I moved out, I made her depressed and he tried to make me move back in. I just feel like my dad is being used as a pawn sometimes as well because I am really close to him and I think that she makes him do these things to gain control of me. So much crap has happened to me as a kid to make me very insecure of myself between my parents and I, yet I still want to maintain a relationship. Isn't that bad?

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I am glad to see that I am not the only one in the world who has a narcissistic parent or parents. I have been wanting to distance myself from my mother for the longest time, just to save my own sanity and to save my husband from being hurt, but I would feel guilty, even though it would benefit me greatly. I guess I am scared that if something bad were to happen to her after cutting her off for some time, I would feel guilty and feel like I contributed to it. My dad told me when I moved out, I made her depressed and he tried to make me move back in. I just feel like my dad is being used as a pawn sometimes as well because I am really close to him and I think that she makes him do these things to gain control of me. So much crap has happened to me as a kid to make me very insecure of myself between my parents and I, yet I still want to maintain a relationship. Isn't that bad?

 

 

You are NOT responsible for your mother's happiness, or lack of it.

 

Her emotions are HER responsibility.

 

And shame on your father for trying to emotionally blackmail you--he's trying to take some of the pressure off of himself, at your expense.

 

It's like expecting YOU to be the parent.

 

You're an adult now, and your responsibility is to your husband, and your kids (if you have them, or if you are planning to).

 

A good parent doesn't expect their child to stay in the nest forever, they teach them to fly, and build their own nest, when the time comes.

 

The best advice I can give you is to start learning about setting boundaries---it can be done with love. Most importantly, boundaries are NOT about controlling your parent's behavior--it's about controlling what you will and won't put up with.

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capricorndreamgurl3

I am getting older and trying to cope with the stuff that I had deal with as a kid. I am not sure what my parents did was abusive because they bought me lots of things and did lots of good things for me, yet they called me names and got mad at me for little things. For instance, when I was in high school, my parents told me that I needed to get a makeover and needed to lose weight because my hair looked like s**t and I just looked bad. I had bad acne too and my parents told me it was only because I didn't wash my hair and wash my face 3 times a day. They made it my fault that I did have acne. Guess what. I did that all the time, and it was still there. It really hurt me because it made me think that they thought I was ugly. My mom always bought me these little sexy outfits and then made me feel bad because she didn't believe I was thin enough to wear them. She constantly told me that I needed to go to the gym and lose my gut. I became anorexic because of it. However, they were only worried about how good I looked and they weren't concerned how I was doing it. It is sad really.

 

Also, I had an awkward phase in high school where I wasn't making any friends because my parents and fellow classmates made me feel so bad that I didn't feel worthy of having friends. I was also diagnosed with autism as child, so I had a hard time talking to people. My parents wanted to go camping and they forced me to bring someone with me. I don't understand why to this day they were pressuring me to bring someone with me. So I called my cousin, who I was really close to, to see if she could go. She said she could. She calls me back later that week and tells me that she can't stay the entire weekend because she had to go teach a Sunday class the next day. My parents are furious and start lambasting me, asking me "How the hell are you going to survive in college if you don't have any friends?". Then my dad goes "Honey, our daughter is a snob.". I started crying, but it made my parents even angrier. I have never been so hurt by my parents in my life, over what, a stupid camping trip? That same summer, they blamed me for not being able to finally go on their honeymoon because I couldn't get my own life and find a friend to spend the night with. For one, I was FIFTEEN. Another, if my parents really felt uncomfortable with me staying alone, they could have called my grandparents. Again, I don't know why that summer they were pressuring me to get more friends. I will never understand I am afraid. They also did more verbal abuse that summer. Every time I forgot something at home when we went camping, they would go "DUHHHH" in my face and call me stupid. They flat out told me I have no common sense and that I would never function properly in the world. I have proven their asses wrong.

 

The next summer, I was going through a laundry basket of bathing suit and beachy kind of things that we took camping with us for some sunscreen because I was going to go to the pool. I had forgot to put my mother's bathing suit up. We get to our destination and my mom notices she forgot her bathing suit. She screams at me and tells me that I am lazy for not putting her stuff back up. She finds a bathing suit luckily and she goes "YOU BETTER BE GLAD I FOUND THIS ONE" like she was going to beat me up if she didn't have a damn bathing suit. This is one of the reasons I apologize for things that I shouldn't.

 

My parents also didn't want me going to college far away and made me stay at home and go to school close to home. I wanted to move out and live at school. I even told them that I would pay for it by getting financial aid or a work study, but they forbade it. I was 20 when I asked this to happen. I decided that it wasn't worth fighting them about it and I gave in to their wants. When I wanted to move out with my best friend (who is a gay male) and live with him because he wanted to keep his apartment, they called me stupid and told me that they forbid me to live with a "boy", because the family would look down upon me. I felt like they wanted to control me. I finally moved out when I was 25 and done with grad school. I really wish they would have instilled some independence in me. My dad told me one time when I was a teenager that he didn't think I would ever be able to take care of myself, when clearly, I was doing my own chores and keeping my room clean and trying to show them that I was pretty damn capable of doing such. My parents even controlled the activities that I participated in. I wanted to take ballet as a child, but my mom wouldn't let me. In college, I went with my friend to a GLBT club on campus to show support for him and when I told my parents, they were outraged. They told me that I needed to join other clubs on campus, such as the Baptist church club and then told me that I would never meet a man on campus because people would think that I was a lesbian for going to that one meeting. I was so angry.

 

I have self-esteem issues resulting from their treatment. Every time I make a mistake, I call myself stupid and still have issues accepting my body. I believe everything is my fault and I am hurting my parents every day by having a life independent from theirs. I really don't know if I was abused or not, because again, I was either given good things or harassed. For the fact they gave me nice things and helped me, I would feel guilty to realize that they did in fact abuse me. I just don't know what to think anymore honestly. Sigh.

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capricorndreamgurl3
You are NOT responsible for your mother's happiness, or lack of it.

 

Her emotions are HER responsibility.

 

And shame on your father for trying to emotionally blackmail you--he's trying to take some of the pressure off of himself, at your expense.

 

It's like expecting YOU to be the parent.

 

You're an adult now, and your responsibility is to your husband, and your kids (if you have them, or if you are planning to).

 

A good parent doesn't expect their child to stay in the nest forever, they teach them to fly, and build their own nest, when the time comes.

 

The best advice I can give you is to start learning about setting boundaries---it can be done with love. Most importantly, boundaries are NOT about controlling your parent's behavior--it's about controlling what you will and won't put up with.

 

 

You are right. I really need to do this to keep my sanity. I am seriously considering getting help for all of this crap that has happened in my life *see above for more*. It just sucks having parents like this. I guess no parent is perfect, but still. It really sucks though.

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I'm not sure about your mom, but I know my dad is a total narcissist and has ADD. He always comments on my imperfections like my teeth, birth mark, weight etc etc and always talks about how wonderful he looks, how he looks 10 years younger than he is etc. He also never thinks he makes a single mistake and how we need to profusely thank him for things he was responsible for as a parent when we were younger. He acts like he deserves a medal for things he has done as a parent that were his responsibility. He doesn't think he is unreasonable whatsoever. This to me is very clear narcissism.

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capricorndreamgurl3
I'm not sure about your mom, but I know my dad is a total narcissist and has ADD. He always comments on my imperfections like my teeth, birth mark, weight etc etc and always talks about how wonderful he looks, how he looks 10 years younger than he is etc. He also never thinks he makes a single mistake and how we need to profusely thank him for things he was responsible for as a parent when we were younger. He acts like he deserves a medal for things he has done as a parent that were his responsibility. He doesn't think he is unreasonable whatsoever. This to me is very clear narcissism.

 

Whoa, do we have the same parents? Both of my parents have been like this to me at some point in my life (refer to my long story above). I don't understand parents like this. It drives me bonkers. My mom acts like this too. She acts like that because she's done so much for me in my life, I must always kiss her ass at every move. It's pathetic. I have seen a book at the book store I would like to read called Will I Ever Be Good Enough?that talks about narcissistic moms. I may look into it.

 

I am sorry about how your parents act btw. I wish we all had good parents.

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RiverRunning

It's nice to see other children of narcissists here. Or, not so nice. Yep, if she doesn't have full-blown NPD, she has several hallmarks of it, OP. Reading it sounds like my mom.

 

They always have to be the martyrs. They volunteer to do all of this crap, then gripe and complain the whole time. After an event, it's, "I'm so drained, I did ALL of that stuff for (x). And did anybody appreciate it? Nope!"

 

Srsly, Livia Soprano from "The Sopranos" is a reality for many, many people.

 

I dealt with a lot of pain for a long time with my mother (I'm 24). I realize that I'm probably ALWAYS going to have issues with my upbringing and the crippling insecurity she raised me to have. But it does get better. And I think it gets better with having strict boundaries.

 

I used to ride like a Knight in Shining armor to my mom's every beck-and-call. It left me emotionally drained. She doesn't appreciate anything that I do (case in point: tried helping her fill out the application for my dad's disability claim today. The whole time, because she felt frustrated, she was rude and condescending toward me, and several times made comments like, "No one ever helps me with anything! I have to do all of this myself! No one cares about me! Why do I have to do all of this myself?!" because she had to answer a few questions herself).

 

They have all-or-nothing thinking. You are either a god to them, or you are absolute garbage.

 

Set your boundaries, OP. Write up a list of the kinds of behaviors you will and will not tolerate (i.e., "It's okay if she calls me once a week, for about 20 minutes, to vent. I can deal with that. I will not tolerate any longer than that. If she tries to guilt-trip me or insult me, I will end the conversation immediately and hang up. If she tries to call again, I will not answer. It may be unpleasant at first - she may get angry, etc. - but eventually she will learn that I will not respond to some of her negative behaviors. If she does not get the result, she will no longer do it."

 

I will visit my parents. But if the conversations start getting negative, she turns on my dad, etc., I find an excuse to leave. The older I get, the more and more I hate them both. Haha. I realize that sounds terrible, but some people are incredibly childish, manipulative...destructive to everyone around them. Narcissists often are like that.

 

My brother gives into my mom's whims a lot more, which is why I think she pulls more crap with him. It's probably also why she likes him more.

 

Your dad sounds VERY enabling. I have many of my own dark stories about this sort of stuff, and reading your post reminded me SO MUCH of my own life - in fact, I wrote a blog about this just yesterday. Initially, my dad would sit back and say nothing while my mom tore into me (I also got the 'you can't do anything right' with chores crap. 'How will you survive on your own? You can't.').

 

In the last two or so years that I lived with them, he started joining in with her insults and cruelties. I will never forget when we were alone in a car one time and talking, and he complimented me. I asked him, "Why don't you ever say anything like that to me in front of her?" "Well...you know how she is..."

 

I went out once with a friend and my mom had decided before I even left that I was going to get drunk and drive. As I'd had cough syrup, I knew that I probably smelled like alcohol (I had been very sick). She demanded to smell my breath when I got home, and it caused a huge fight when I refused. Eventually she pulled my dad into the argument, giving her complete side.

 

IT hurt me so badly when he said, "Well, let RiverRunning go crash and die in a ditch somewhere, if that's what she wants to do."

 

These people are sick. SCREWED. UP. If not for the fact that my brother still takes it upon himself to help them (and I want to help him), and because my mom so often has my cousin and I want to see him, I'd likely have very little, if anything, to do with my parents.

 

If you have PM privileges, I'll message you a link to my blog...maybe you'll feel that you're not alone.

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capricorndreamgurl3

Thank you RiverRunning, I am so glad that I am not alone in this. I just want to try to better myself not only for me, but I want my relationship with my husband to last as well. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me. He tries to help me out when I need it. He is always there for me and is a shoulder to cry on. Yet sometimes, I take things that he says out of proportion and sometimes acts like he is my parents and that hurts him. I am so used to defending myself from getting hurt that sometimes I accidentally project my hurt and anger from my past onto them. My husband has to keep reminding me that he is not my parents. I over-apologize for things that are out of my control because I try to protect myself. It really hurts. Thank you for being there for me and I will PM if I have my privileges.

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RiverRunning
Whoa, do we have the same parents? Both of my parents have been like this to me at some point in my life (refer to my long story above). I don't understand parents like this. It drives me bonkers. My mom acts like this too. She acts like that because she's done so much for me in my life, I must always kiss her ass at every move. It's pathetic. I have seen a book at the book store I would like to read called Will I Ever Be Good Enough?that talks about narcissistic moms. I may look into it.

 

I am sorry about how your parents act btw. I wish we all had good parents.

 

 

I have the book. I think it's an OK read for starters. Whatever you do, PLEASE avoid the "Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers" forum. I know many women who went there, myself included, who ended up getting banned for ridiculous stuff (i.e., the Moderator didn't like some posters. I was banned because another member insulted me, a member I'd never seen before, and the Moderator wanted me to explain why it happened. I didn't know! Got banned).

 

I've found that many forums focused solely around narcissistic parents...well...there are a lot of people there who have very narcissistic tendencies. I will never forget some members labeling their kids as narcissists. One member was furious because she got a Facebook message from her daughter a minute or two after her birthday had ended (a simple 'Happy Birthday.') She elected to write a snarky message back to her kid saying she would NEVER wish her a happy birthday again, etc. Who's the narcissist here again...?

 

Another member cut off her daughter completely because the daughter wanted to contact some of her aunts and uncles, who the member thought were narcissists.

 

IMO, web communities focused around that are generally bad breeding grounds. I'd stick with books on the subject and counseling.

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RiverRunning

AW MAN, you can't until you have 50-ish posts. Soon, though.

 

I was about where you are a year-and-a-half ago. I think I got through it pretty quickly. Having the support of a loving partner definitely advances things. I used to apologize for every little thing - the light would turn red at a traffic stop, and I'd be apologizing because I took two seconds longer getting ready. I know it used to annoy my SO to no end, but he's come to understand a lot of it has to do with my upbringing.

 

Guilty as charged, no matter what you do or don't do. Somehow, it's your fault.

 

I'd suggest that your husband read any books you get on narcissism too. Not that I suspect that your husband has been at all bad about helping you deal with this, but I think it's an eye-opener for those who haven't experienced it firsthand.

 

For me, it was so validating when I was complaining about my parents one night, and my boyfriend said to me, "You didn't do anything wrong. Your mom failed you in very critical ways. I am proud of you for putting the pieces together and trying to carry on with your life."

 

I am very happy for those of us who have escaped that treachery, and I hope for the best for those still suffering. If anyone is still living at home with a narcissistic parent, I will help you find as many resources for help as you need so you can become independent as soon as possible.

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capricorndreamgurl3
I have the book. I think it's an OK read for starters. Whatever you do, PLEASE avoid the "Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers" forum. I know many women who went there, myself included, who ended up getting banned for ridiculous stuff (i.e., the Moderator didn't like some posters. I was banned because another member insulted me, a member I'd never seen before, and the Moderator wanted me to explain why it happened. I didn't know! Got banned).

 

I've found that many forums focused solely around narcissistic parents...well...there are a lot of people there who have very narcissistic tendencies. I will never forget some members labeling their kids as narcissists. One member was furious because she got a Facebook message from her daughter a minute or two after her birthday had ended (a simple 'Happy Birthday.') She elected to write a snarky message back to her kid saying she would NEVER wish her a happy birthday again, etc. Who's the narcissist here again...?

 

Another member cut off her daughter completely because the daughter wanted to contact some of her aunts and uncles, who the member thought were narcissists.

 

IMO, web communities focused around that are generally bad breeding grounds. I'd stick with books on the subject and counseling.

 

That's crazy. They sound like they are only repeating the cycle sadly. That is one reason I do want help, so I DO NOT end up like her. I am currently looking for a decent counselor in this town and may end up ordering some books on the subject. Thanks a bunch!

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capricorndreamgurl3

It's nice to know that I am not alone. I am glad for that. And RiverRunning, I am going to try to get to 50 posts soon so that you share your blog with me. It felt good just pouring my life's anguish here for everyone.

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RiverRunning
It's nice to know that I am not alone. I am glad for that. And RiverRunning, I am going to try to get to 50 posts soon so that you share your blog with me. It felt good just pouring my life's anguish here for everyone.

 

Being able to talk and blog about it is so beneficial. My brother has never really been able to fully acknowledge our mom's obvious...shortcomings. He's very defensive of her. He did once, out of the blue, agree with me and say, "She IS narcissistic." But beyond that, he doesn't really like to talk about it. I know it had a profound effect on him.

 

She went psycho when he started dating my sister-in-law: you guessed it, acting VERY concerned about being replaced by SIL's parents. Any time he did any work for her parents, that's all he heard about, regardless of how much work he was doing for our mother.

 

I got a lot of threats and the like with my first boyfriend ("If he gets you pregnant...I will cut your head off!" usually she would say such things for dramatic impact. She was in a rage that night, though.) She is much kinder to my fiancee - I guess because he has money and a somewhat-lofty title, she's starstruck! Hahaha.

 

These parents cripple their kids in so many ways. I always felt (and still do) too stupid to do housework, too stupid to do well in my college classes (even though I did very well), too ugly, unattractive and awkward to succeed in dating, too incompetent to succeed in a job.

 

The latter especially had a dramatic effect on me. I think that's why I flock to employment without bosses, tend to do a lot of freelance work, etc. - if I screw up, I never have to face a boss, never have to even deal with that client again, etc.

 

My mom has always had weight problems and projected all of her concerns about that onto me. I don't think people care nearly as much about me being 40ish pounds overweight as I was raised to believe.

 

In my experiences, I'm one of the best 'narcissistic parent' outcomes. Among the worst, I have met people who completely avoid relationships/will screw any guy to feel better about themselves, women who become workaholics to try and get recognition/women who hide from work for fear of being seen as incompetent, etc.

 

Sorry, guys - I know I mention women a lot here. Men are more likely to be narcissistic...but narcissistic mothers tend to have a much closer hand in rearing kids than men do, so their impact, generally, is much stronger than that of a narcissistic father.

 

And I don't know what it is - maybe seeing daughters as a threat - narcissistic moms tend to attack their daughters and glorify their sons. I know that was how it was for me. Mom was threatened by the beginnings of our relationships, but she and I had a far more strenuous relationship than she had with my brother.

 

Not because I was 'difficult,' but she had this cookie cutter notion that I would be the perfect daughter, and went into a rage when she discovered that wasn't to be so.

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I have self-esteem issues resulting from their treatment. Every time I make a mistake, I call myself stupid and still have issues accepting my body. I believe everything is my fault and I am hurting my parents every day by having a life independent from theirs. I really don't know if I was abused or not, because again, I was either given good things or harassed. For the fact they gave me nice things and helped me, I would feel guilty to realize that they did in fact abuse me. I just don't know what to think anymore honestly. Sigh.

 

No, that is deffinitely psychological abuse.

You need to look at things differently though.

Buying you a doll, buying you things, doesn't mean much in the grand scheme of things.

They are ephemeral, they don't last ... it's the feeling behind doing these things.

 

Getting a wooden cheap toy can mean much to a child than getting the latest gaming station with the latest games.

 

And their emotional content in this is what bothers you. Focus on that, that was bad, that's what affected your life.

 

I'd also like to caution you on something different.

Ppl tend to raise their kids with the lessons they learned from when they were kids, in the way they think they wanted to be raised themselves.

You were raised in a very controlled manner, that has left marks on your perception of reality.

Pls make sure you get a good grip on reality before you raise kids, balanced kids so this 'curse' doesn't get passed on.

 

I was left for 2yrs with an abusive grandfather when i was little, it is very little compared to what happened to you, and i simply can't imagine what they did to you.

Your next stage will be anger.

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dreamingoftigers
I would feel guilty, even though it would benefit me greatly. I guess I am scared that if something bad were to happen to her after cutting her off for some time, I would feel guilty and feel like I contributed to it.

 

Ditto

 

My dad told me when I moved out, I made her depressed and he tried to make me move back in. I just feel like my dad is being used as a pawn sometimes as well because I am really close to him and I think that she makes him do these things to gain control of me. So much crap has happened to me as a kid to make me very insecure of myself between my parents and I, yet I still want to maintain a relationship. Isn't that bad?

 

Ditto

 

I am not sure what my parents did was abusive because they bought me lots of things and did lots of good things for me, yet they called me names and got mad at me for little things.

 

I always had TONS of toys. And those things were always cited as "reasons I didn't have a crappy childhood." YES what your parents did was ABUSIVE. you can't buy your way out of abusive with a credit card! In fact being "given a lot" really had nothing to do with me I later discovered. It was a brag point for my Dad. He'd show other people all the time. It was all about him and this artificial IMAGE he had to live up to. He was "never" mean to me. Look St all of the toys I had. Never mind that he would raid my allowance and go buy alcohol! Talk about completely undermining someone's security. They never missed a chance to insult me either. Let me tell you, I could never "appreciate those toys" enough.

 

And yes when I tried to move out it "depressed" him. Even after he tried to kill me. My mother tried to drag me back in for YEARS.

 

When I got married, my father cut me off again because I hyphenated with my husband's last name because he thought I should've kept his name even though my mother changed her name to his. My husband is not allowed over at their place because he "didn't ask my Dad's permission" to marry me. Although he didn't ask my grandfather for it to marry my mother. ( a funny side note, my grandfather when asked about this says that he would've said "no.") So my husband before the wedding actually went and asked him, and my father gritty said yes in front of my mother but now apparently that doesn't count.

 

when I was in junior high school, my parents told me that I needed to needed to lose weight. There was NEVER a damn fruit or vegetable in the house and both my parents have been obese my whole life. They would eat nothing but takeout and pasta. My mother has NEVER had to cook and they continually nagged at me and shamed me about it.

 

"Honey, our daughter is a snob.". I started crying, but it made my parents even angrier.

 

I often found that I couldn't process the hurt or anger and would cry, which would throw my father into a rage because it made him feel "guilted."

 

My Dad used to use phrases like "well you're the Big Winner" and "Your the Big Shot now."

 

He also tried to isolate me from all of my friendships, but I was so desperate for some sanity in my life that I fought to keep all of my friends. Some of them I still have to this day. He currently has suceeding in isolating my mother from having any friends.

 

She would often throw me under the bus to be his "pal." He always came first or he threw a fit. She never did anything to protect me though and she would always expose me to their (what should have been) private relationship. When I asked her to stop involving me in their fights, she stopped talking to me for weeks.

 

They also did more verbal abuse that summer. Every time I forgot something at home when we went camping, they would go "DUHHHH" in my face and call me stupid. They flat out told me I have no common sense and that I would never function properly in the world. I have proven their asses wrong.

 

OMG! your parents used DUH! too?? I thought my parents were the only embarassing stupid parents in the world to do that! They should make it part of a Narcissism Diagnostic Test! They used to do it in front of my friends and teachers. So humiliating! Now I just feel embarrassed for them.

 

She screams at me and tells me that I am lazy for not putting her stuff back up. She finds a bathing suit luckily and she goes "YOU BETTER BE GLAD I FOUND THIS ONE" like she was going to beat me up if she didn't have a damn bathing suit. This is one of the reasons I apologize for things that I shouldn't.

 

I've had A LOT of stuff like this growing up. They can't ever take responsibility for their own stuff. I've seen my Dad throw stuff in rage and then blame me because "I made him angry even to do that." I ended up a relationship that was the same. I wasn't about to take the crap. I also went through a long phase of apologizing for things that I shouldn't. My parents would also do this thing where they would apologize in a way that made it ALL YOUR FAULT. "I'm sorry you made me mad enough to yell. Maybe next time you'll do a better job." how messed up is that?

 

My Dad did eveything to clip my independence as well. He tried to stop me from going to college any way he could but on the other hand would take full credit for me going. He tried to make me dependent on him for employment and then would waffle about hiring me. I won't get into too much detail about all the **** he pulled but I did eventually end up working for him. My husband and I split temporarily when he took off and my father came over, got his work van and fired ME saying that it would be too much of a liability for me to work for him if I got emotional about my husband's situation. They didn't ask if I was okay or care whether or not I could keep the roof over mine and my nine month ok'd daughters head. I got help from my church and grew my own business. (home cleaning) It started with nothing but a box of rags and a lot of work. When my father heard about it, he tried to manipulate me into quitting it and working for him again. I said no. He then tried to buy the business of of me. I said no. He tried to put me out of business saying that I was "competition." (he does landscaping and commercial maintenance).

.

 

My dad told me one time when I was a teenager that he didn't think I would ever be able to take care of myself, when clearly, I was doing my own chores

and keeping my room clean and trying to show them that I was pretty damn capable of doing such.

 

Everytime my parents have been to a place I am living, they've told me how "disgusting and messy" it is. Usually I clean like mad before they come over because I am still self-conscious about it. I find it ironic because their places was FILTHY before they hired live-in staff. Like dust over a cm thick filthy. No bs!

 

My parents even controlled the activities that I participated in. I wanted to take ballet as a child, but my mom wouldn't let me.

 

My parents outright LAUGHED at me if I wanted to try anything new! I remember telling my mom I wanted to try luging lessons and she told me I was "enough of a Luger already." thanks mom, very witty.

 

I have self-esteem issues resulting from their treatment. Every time I make a mistake, I call myself stupid and still have issues accepting my body. I believe everything is my fault and I am hurting my parents every day by having a life independent from theirs. I really don't know if I was abused or not, because again, I was either given good things or harassed. For the fact they gave me nice things and helped me, I would feel guilty to realize that they did in fact abuse me. I just don't know what to think anymore honestly. Sigh.

 

I went through this back and forth for years until I read Toxic Parents. I read that book in like 48 hours and underlined the Hell out of it.

 

I'm not sure about your mom, but I know my dad is a total narcissist and has ADD. He always comments on my imperfections like my teeth, birth mark, weight etc etc and always talks about how wonderful he looks, how he looks 10 years younger than he is etc. He also never thinks he makes a single mistake and how we need to profusely thank him for things he was responsible for as a parent when we were younger. He acts like he deserves a medal for things he has done as a parent that were his responsibility. He doesn't think he is unreasonable whatsoever. This to me is very clear narcissism.

 

My Dad is and does all of the above! Omg! ESP the ten years younger thing! He looks terrible! I remember when we went to my great uncles funeral and he very vocally says, "I guess everyone here hasn't aged as gracefully as I have." two of my aunts thought he was joking.

 

And he thinks he deserves a little hottie. And he think he was the best dad ever that deserves a medal when he couldn't even be frigging nice to me.

 

I almost forgot to mention this story. I went into labor with my daughter in Ottawa. My mother has been bugging me for grandchildren since I was 14 (!)

Let me tell you that nothing prevents a teenage pregnancy like my mother saying, "it's okay if you get pregnant, we'll raise it!"

 

Anyways, I went into labor and they were in Calgary, so I thought ha ha, they aren't going to get here and I get to not be pressured into letting them in for the birth. Well, my labour ends up lasting three days so they end up there the day I deliver. I already told them I didn't want them there for it, but my aunt already told them I was at the hospital. So I get the staff to tell them that they can't be in the room because its been such a long labor etc. Because j just couldn't deal with one of their stupid blowouts.

 

Anyway, I deliver my daughter. She's cute. My parents come in and my Dad starts yakking to the nurse about how expensive his shirt is and how his business made 750K last year blah blah blah. He gets me a private room and then when he gets the bill for it says my husband lied about the amount of the room and that I owe him for it! My husband was beside me the WHOLE TIME he had nothing to do with it

 

They always have to be the martyrs. They volunteer to do all of this crap, then gripe and complain the whole time. After an event, it's, "I'm so drained, I did ALL of that stuff for (x). And did anybody appreciate it? Nope!"

 

My Dad is totally like this! He once wrote this really nasty letter to a volunteer organization for not sending him a card saying thanks.

 

Srsly, Livia Soprano from "The Sopranos" is a reality for many, many people.

 

Totally, and Tony wasn't much better with his kids either!

 

I dealt with a lot of pain for a long time with my mother (I'm 24). I realize that I'm probably ALWAYS going to have issues with my upbringing and the crippling insecurity she raised me to have. But it does get better. And I think

it gets better with having strict boundaries.

 

Agreed! :)

 

I used to ride like a Knight in Shining armor to my mom's every beck-and-call. It left me emotionally drained. She doesn't appreciate anything that I do (case in point: tried helping her fill out the application for my dad's disability claim today. The whole time, because she felt frustrated, she was rude and condescending toward me, and several times made comments like, "No one ever helps me with anything! I have to do all of this myself! No one cares about me! Why do I have to do all of this myself?!" because she had to answer a few questions herself).

 

They have all-or-nothing thinking. You are either a god to them, or you are absolute garbage.

 

This is so true. I also notice that they tell me how pathetic my life is until they want or need something. Then it's like I just have all of this extra-disposable time and effort available for them and "why can't you just....?"

 

I will visit my parents. But if the conversations start getting negative, she turns on my dad, etc., I find an excuse to leave. The older I get, the more and more I hate them both. Haha. I realize that sounds terrible, but some people are incredibly childish, manipulative...destructive to everyone around them. Narcissists often are like that.

 

I've noticed the same thing. The older I get, the more I see just how selfish and disgusting they've been. Now that I am a mom, I am so sensitive to how I treat my daughter. That means that I set boundaries for her and don't talk to her like she is useless or exhausts me. She's precious and a little human being. It really sucks because I can see first-hand how much they just didn't care what was happening to me as a little child. They only cared about their own baggage. When my daughter is hurt, I'm right there, giving her affection and comfort. When she does something good, I tell her "that's great T! That was such a (smart, nice etc) thing to do!" when she's misbehaving I say, "t, we don't do that, it isn't nice or fair or it's his turn etc."

 

As my parents get older it's like they cocoon more into their weird world. Like they just can't see anything good anymore. Everyone is "out to get them, so strike first."

 

My mother even admitted to me last week that age thought I never truly liked her when I was a kid so she withheld things from me in resent. Well, self-fulfilling prophecy. Kids don't tend to like parents that act like they hate them.

 

In the last two or so years that I lived with them, he started joining in with her insults and cruelties. I will never forget when we were alone in a car one time and talking, and he complimented me. I asked him, "Why don't you ever say anything like that to me in front of her?" "Well...you know how she is..."

 

I got that one too! I always asked why she would never defend me or ask him to stop. "I don't like to upset him. And he always thinks that you are going to split us up if I hang out with you too much!" so my mother can't spend barely any time with me unless it is supervised by my father. And ge always thinks everyone is always talking about him. Yeah sometimes we do now because he says nutty stuff like this!

 

These people are sick. SCREWED. UP. .

 

I wasn't trying to overtake the thread, so sorry for the long post.

 

It's nice to have people to share with that understand because a lot of people don't.

 

They think maybe your family is "stressed." Or maybe that you aren't being "respectful." but you can go to the Moon for them (and believe me overbite years I have tried, tried, tried but there is something in them that needs a bad guy.

 

I've noticed that my parents are the worst to people that get close to them. Once the "stranger illusions" are shattered, they really heap abuse on people. It's pretty crazy.

 

I've felt so bad for people that have worked for them. I've even tried to warn some people, but I gave up after a bit. My dad looks like he's going to be the super-hero to people that come over from other countries, then he treats them like garbage and threatens to have them deported.

 

They make themselves look like the victims while they constantly victimize others. I'm glad I have my small life to myself instead of their craziness floating around.

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she had this cookie cutter notion that I would be the perfect daughter, and went into a rage when she discovered that wasn't to be so.

 

 

You mean you had the audacity to be an individual, sentient person, with thoughts, feelings, and a point of view of your own?

 

How dare you?!?!??:rolleyes:

 

Adult children of narcissists aren't supposed to be individuals, they exist as a prop in the stage that is the N's life. Or as a an accessory, like a shiny new bracelet to wear on the N's arm---to show off to everyone.:sick:

 

It sounds like you've done a lot of introspection & healing from your FOO problems, River Running---it's something to be proud of (though I regret that you even had to deal with that in the first place) .It's even more impressive that you've come to understand the underlying dynamics at work at a relatively young age. A lot of ACoNs (Adult children of narcissists) don't start to understand the damage until they're middle-aged. So you've gotten a good head start.:)

 

My background in this; is that I had a father who exhibited very strong NPD tendencies, and my mother showed a mix of BPD/NPD. I was in my thirties and she was still griping about stuff that happened when I was a teenager.

She also very matter-of-factly told me that she would've never had children , if abortion had been legal when I was conceived. So, I grew up feeling like I had to apologize for my very existence, let alone all of my other failings and shortcomings that were pointed out to me on a regular basis. Heaven forbid, I ever got a "B" on my report card, instead of straight "A's , like she did.

 

It's a wonder I have any self-esteem at all, but fortunately I escaped when I was 18, and found my own way in the world.

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Ditto

 

 

They make themselves look like the victims while they constantly victimize others.

 

 

That's the rub, right there---the facade of being the martyr, when they're actually the culprit. And they'll throw the people closest to them under the bus, just to maintain the victim image, and milk others for sympathy. (must be the center of attention at all times, at all costs)

 

I'm so sorry you went through that DOT---my heart goes out to you.

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dreamingoftigers

 

These parents cripple their kids in so many ways. I always felt (and still do) too stupid to do housework, too stupid to do well in my college classes (even though I did very well), too ugly, unattractive and awkward to succeed in dating, too incompetent to succeed in a job.

 

The latter especially had a dramatic effect on me. I think that's why I flock to employment without bosses, tend to do a lot of freelance work, etc. - if I screw up, I never have to face a boss, never have to even deal with that client again, etc.

 

My mom has always had weight problems and projected all of her concerns about that onto me. I don't think people care nearly as much about me being 40ish pounds overweight as I was raised to believe.

 

In my experiences, I'm one of the best 'narcissistic parent' outcomes. Among the worst, I have met people who completely avoid relationships/will screw any guy to feel better about themselves, women who become workaholics to try and get recognition/women who hide from work for fear of being seen as incompetent, etc.

 

Sorry, guys - I know I mention women a lot here. Men are more likely to be narcissistic...but narcissistic mothers tend to have a much closer hand in rearing kids than men do, so their impact, generally, is much stronger than that of a narcissistic father.

 

And I don't know what it is - maybe seeing daughters as a threat - narcissistic

moms tend to attack their daughters and glorify their sons. I know that was how it was for me. Mom was threatened by the beginnings of our relationships, but she and I had a far more strenuous relationship than she had with my brother.

 

Not because I was 'difficult,' but she had this cookie cutter notion that I would be the perfect daughter, and went into a rage when she discovered that wasn't to be so.

 

Omg, I have a lot of those traits too!

 

I have been nervewracked about housework especially even though I ran a cleaning service for two years. I was always afraid that things were just never "good enough."

 

I also became a workaholic at 18. I would work insane shifts at multiple jobs. For a period there I was working 36 hours and then taking an 8 hour break. I'm surprised I didn't collapse. One time I fell asleep standing up with a full try of dishes. I cut down to two jobs.

 

Then I met a homeless guy that I later married and it sounds crazy (probably was completely crazy) but all of a sudden I didn't have to worry about all of these crazy expectations. We would make enough to live off of and take it easy. I travelled all over Canada and the US.

 

What was nice about it was that so many people and the world were completely different than what my parents made out like. They made it sound like the second I stepped out my front door I would be raped, kidnapped and thrown in a ditch just for looking at someone the wrong way.

 

The world has it's bad places and some people do very bad things, but overall it is nowhere near as abusive as the day to day in my parent's home. Whole I lived on the streets with my husband I was assaulted twice. Neither was really that bad compared to home where my Dad tried to strangle me and would tell me things like he'd never get caught because they'd never find me.

 

After 2 years, my husband and I normalized and decided to live a regular life. I found I learned a lot about people and kindness from being out there, in all sorts of areas. I am not afraid as much by far about not being good enough, because I was (I think) the worst I could be and it still wasn't that bad.

 

But of course my father let me know that it migt just be too embarrassing for me to be in his community. Even though I never did anything in this city.

 

Personally, my Mom took a back seat in raising me. Neither one was really interested.

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RiverRunning

I have to admit that reading some of this stuff just makes me laugh - sitcom writers can't come up with stuff this golden. More of an uncomfortable laughter, the kind of, "Is this FOR REAL?" laugh. At least we can all share our stories and derive comfort from knowing that we aren't alone. I don't know anybody else in the flesh who has a parent like mine, which is partly why I think this crap goes on like it does.

 

People don't see emotional and verbal abuse like they see physical abuse. It's a much more gray area. Narcissists are very good at hiding their nasty side from outsiders. So many people in my family thought that my mom was a darling little helper who takes care of everybody. I was the horrible, awful daughter. I truly believe that if people could see her behind closed doors, they'd come to the same conclusion that I did.

 

The worst part is the enabling spouse who lets this crap go on. Our mothers/fathers could have prevented the narcissistic parent from causing so much trouble, but didn't - because it's 'easier,' 'he'll get mad,' etc. What crap. Because the abuse is verbal and emotional oftentimes, it skates right by. Then again, it wouldn't entirely surprise me if enabling parents shrug off a little physical abuse too (MAYBE when it gets really bad they'd intervene, but who knows).

 

I never considered myself 'abused' when I was growing up, but then again I saw threads of abuse throughout my family. One uncle was a truly horrific father and spent 10 years in jail over it. Another uncle had untreated OCD and made his kids live in a proverbial prison - they couldn't touch anything without getting interrogated. He'd beat my male cousins for any little infraction. Needless to say, mom's endless critical comments and negativity seemed completely normal in that landscape. :D

 

It boggles my mind how a parent can chip at a child's self-esteem, confidence and view of reality over a period of years and often decades. I have had so many problems with persistently negative thoughts (especially about my weight).

 

Sometimes, it was a loop that I could not silence: I'd think about it from morning until night. And I realized how messed up it was when I noticed that the 'voice' I heard in my head was my mother's.

 

I bought a book called "The Story of a Lifetime" - it's a memoir book of 500 questions that you can fill out to pass onto your kids - and there's a section on childhood. With questions like, "What did you learn from your mother?", I could not think of a single good thing.

 

How not to treat a husband/other people/kids/friends? Her life is a storybook on what not to do, haha.

 

As for the buying gifts/toys thing...I think this is yet another classic part of the narcissist. They can a.) show this off to everybody else ("I'm a good provider, I buy my kids things.") and b. Use it as payback/guilt tripping later on ("I bought you all of those toys and bought nothing for myself! I am so good to you and you are so bad to me!").

 

It does amaze me how some of these people seem to think that they deserve a gold medal for bringing their kids into the world and...gasp...caring for them! It's different if you've got a kid in their 20s living off of you. But should I really be having to kiss your feet because you were providing for my basic needs when I was 10 or 15? Weird.

 

Anybody else have issues with trusting other people? My mom invaded my privacy so often. I remember accidentally leaving my Facebook up, and she tried to claim she "thought it was her page," even though we had no friends in common. I came home to find her scouring my page...and my little cousin running to beat her up, yelling, "Don't be mean to RiverRunning!" bahaha!

 

She opened my mail a few times. I had a letter from the Red Cross and she claimed she thought it was for her (lol, yeah right. When did she last have anything to do with the Red Cross - 30 years earlier?). She then admitted she knew it wasn't for her, but felt it was her "right as my mother to know if I had a disease."

 

When I was a kid, she'd read my diaries. I learned to start hiding them...and then, eventually, not keep anything sensitive at all. I will still hide things. I do not leave my purse unattended around her. I was dumb and left it out once, and came back to find her getting a pen out of it (or so she claimed...lol). Never again.

 

This was a biggie for me...but when I was 12, I was getting bullied at school. My mom was baby-sitting other kids and had no time for me. I was really depressed and suicidal. I remember I finally wrote her a note to tell her so because I didn't have the gall to do anything myself. Not knowing at the time that my mom was out to destroy me (haha), I thought this would mean brighter days ahead. My mom was going to protect me, right?

 

She flew into a sobbing rage. Begged me not to hurt myself. Then she started her subtle threatening - "I guess we're going to have to call a therapist." She just brushed off the things that were bothering me as no big deal. As this supposed therapist appointment got closer, she started telling me, "You're going to have to tell this stranger all about yourself. You might be crazy like your grandma." Seriously. My grandma has bipolar. She told her 12-year-old child this. I was scared to death.

 

I now realize that if she DID really make this appointment, she started getting scared that I'd tell the therapist bad things about her. So she scared me out of it...and I'm sure blabbed about me to our entire family. Then she had the audacity to make me 'promise' I would never hurt myself, and that was the end of it. Never showed any interest in my life, never asked me how I was doing. She found one of my journals, read it, and then made me tell her that I didn't still feel that way while she boo-hooed.

 

That's the sad thing. I've suffered from crippling bouts of depression ever since. As a parent, she had the power to help me. And she failed me in one of the most fundamental ways. I learned at 12 that I could never trust her. I had to look out for myself. And more than that, I had to go on suffering in silence just to make her happy. Sick.

 

My mom's always had it in her head that I'm this raging whore. Oh, and an alcoholic. Because I once had a bottle of wine and finished it in 2 - 3 days. I remember back before I started dating, I had a dating profile on okc. She told my brother, "RiverRunning is acting so SLUTTY, putting things like that up on-line." There were no pictures, no innuendo on the profile!

 

Sorry. Threads like this do stir up the memories. I think it's part of the healing process. I learned that what happened had to do with HER and it's HER problem, not because I'm a deficient daughter or because I deserved it. We were all kids.

 

Very sad to think of how many of us grew up in homes where we were pawns to appease somebody else, and our feelings and needs never really mattered. If they made her feel good, great! Otherwise, they were pushed down into silence.

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dreamingoftigers
That's the rub, right there---the facade of being the martyr, when they're actually the culprit. And they'll throw the people closest to them under the bus, just to maintain the victim image, and milk others for sympathy. (must be the center of attention at all times, at all costs)

 

I'm so sorry you went through that DOT---my heart goes out to you.

 

Thank you, it was hard for a LONG TIME.

 

It was really hard seeing my h almost destroy himself over his FOO stuff too. I think he's in a better place too.

 

We're both pretty focussed and raising a self-sufficient, happy daughter that knows she's loved. It's really interesting to see the contrast between my childhood and her's emotionally.

 

She seems just naturally happy. I know I wasn't, you can even see it in my pictures.

 

She loves to see the pictures of her up on the wall, smiling. She wants hugs and is okay to say no when she doesn't. She's growing up in a tidy place where we don't just give her toys and tell her to entertain herself. She really wants to play with us! And we want to play with her too!

 

I remember wanting my parents to just love me or be interested in my stuff. They were monumentally late for EVERYTHING having to do with me if they even came at all. I remember moms and Dads fussing over their kids and I'd always hear how "you are never grateful for anything, you are so spoiled, you never do anything around here." except watch their kids and cook for them (no one cleaned, I didn't learn how to properly cook or properly clean until I moved out and looked it up in the Internet :D)

 

Hopefully everyone on this thread can turn their crappy childhood into a great advantage! I find it's made me very grateful for everything I DO have and grateful that I don't have to live with those feelings if I don't want to. :D

 

I'm also grateful that when my partner had his addiction that I didn't give up on him and cut him right out & that I didn't just take his crap either (both things my parents did to and for each other).

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RiverRunning

She also very matter-of-factly told me that she would've never had children , if abortion had been legal when I was conceived. So, I grew up feeling like I had to apologize for my very existence, let alone all of my other failings and shortcomings that were pointed out to me on a regular basis.

 

It's a wonder I have any self-esteem at all, but fortunately I escaped when I was 18, and found my own way in the world.

 

Serious hugs. Man.

 

The "I wish I could've aborted you" crap is a recurring theme I've seen. The callousness to say such a thing...the immaturity.

 

Anybody else get lots of very girl-negative comments from their parents? I got furious the other day because I saw a friend of my future sister-in-law's tell her, "Oh, you're having a girl, be prepared for all the drama and hard work!" It took quite a bit of restraint not to add, "It's not all in the kid's genes. If you're a drama queen, you will probably have a drama queen too."

 

I was relaying this to my mom when she blurted out, "Oh, girls are SO much more difficult and very dramatic and whiny." Then she mentioned this time that I was prescribed steroids for a lung ailment when I was...10 or 11. I do remember being more emotional and crying.

 

She told my doctor that I was "psychotic" and she wanted me off of the steroids. I remember crying a few times while on the steroids over the course of two weeks. Of course, it was easy for her to declare that I was 'psychotic,' when in reality I was severely depressed and generally hid away to do my crying.

 

I think a lot of people find me sort of stoic and distant on first meeting. I think that's something I learned from having to hide myself - always having to be logical and stoic to avoid criticism. When I get close to people, I'm very affectionate and friendly, but.

 

I have one more good story:

 

She and I once got into a fight when I lived at home because I wouldn't go out to get her fast food. Off she stomps to her bedroom. I was tired of it. I wrote a quick note telling her I was going to stay the night with my boyfriend, and I'd be back in the morning after we cooled down.

 

Holy. ****. Srsly.

 

She called me in a screaming, crying rage. She had called my dad at work and told him that I was suicidal and that he needed to hurry home. She told me that she was going to dial 911. Lots of crying of "How could you do this to me?" and then the clincher:

 

"You just did this so you could go over there and put your legs up in the air like a SLUT." If I dared try to spend the night with my boyfriend, they would scream, threaten to break down his apartment door, report my car stolen (she did in fact remind me she would report my car stolen. In my parent's name at the time), etc.

 

That was the most unbelievable to me. Nothing in the letter indicated at all that I was suicidal.I had been depressed about paying off student loans, but you would think, "I'll be home in the morning..." would be a good indicator that I wasn't off to off myself.

Edited by RiverRunning
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dreamingoftigers

OMFG!

 

My parents both did the "you're just like [insert hated family member here!]"

 

"you're crazy like [insert crazy family member here]"

 

I was suicidal too! My late teens/early 20s. I thought NO ONE could ever love me because there was something just too wrong about me.

 

I had a mental health evaluation years after that, and years after being out on the streets. I was so relieved..... I came up clean. No sign of PD. this was after being diagnosed BPD when I was suicidal.

 

I am now convinced that there are a lot of misdiagnosis of BPD teens. I think that they should test the parents for NPD.

 

BPD is layers of childhood PTSD and after I had EMDR and trauma therapy, it was like night and day. I don't feel so worthless anymore. (Nor have I give completely the other way with NPD and plans to invade Poland).

 

I plan to tell my child when she grows up that she might want to get herself evaluated regardless of circumstances just because Mommy and Daddy had pretty screwed up childhoods and we might have failed somewhere that she might have to work on in adulthood that mom and dad haven't noticed.

 

But tbh, I'm not worried. I have taken a parenting course that was very nicely done, h is taking two in the next couple months (completely voluntary. He doesn't want T feeling like she can't come to us).

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Whoa, do we have the same parents? Both of my parents have been like this to me at some point in my life (refer to my long story above). I don't understand parents like this. It drives me bonkers. My mom acts like this too. She acts like that because she's done so much for me in my life, I must always kiss her ass at every move. It's pathetic. I have seen a book at the book store I would like to read called Will I Ever Be Good Enough?that talks about narcissistic moms. I may look into it.

 

I am sorry about how your parents act btw. I wish we all had good parents.

 

Yeah my dad was like that about my grades as well, I mean if I got a B, he would ask why I didn't get an A or he'll still compare my to my former step-sister. He doesn't realize I owe him nothing for raising me.

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