Moving Back Home

[Tailor2000]

Well Im mid early to late 30s ahem, and have lived with my parents all my life. No major relationship or business decisions. Never a need to fly the nest. Personal issues at various stages have hampered progress at times.

 

However I pay rent, cook, can look after myself, wash iron, and I can clean if necessary, though my folks tend to like doing it themselves.

 

Unfortunately I don't really feel my parents have treated me like an adult. Even though I clean up after myself (despite constantly being told I don't just because I do make a mistake from time to time), my parents have started invading the one place I call mine - my bedroom and tidying things up. Picking up my belongings and moving them.

 

There is an argument that it's there place, there's the other argument that it's still my room and Im paying rent for it and if they would stop dumping everything in there I may have a chance to actually tidy up. I just have way too much and need to throw things away which I have been doing. It doesn't smell or anything though, just lots of things on the floor.

 

Although I know my parents love me, I want to break that chain of responsibility where they feel responsible for my well being and upkeep. My room is my responsibility even if I want to keep it untidy (which I don't, it's just a case of finding the enthusiasm to sort it all out).

 

My folks are worried in case anyone goes into my room and gets a negative view of my mother being unable to keep house.

 

After being told i won't have a door if I put a lock on there and being told my friends were no longer welcome after they pointed out the mess in the kitchen and the patio where people are more likely to go, I decided to move out.

 

I moved in with a friend who was more desperate to move out of his location than I was, and within two weeks, Im moved in.

 

I've only been there a week but I feel awful. Im feeling sad and miserable. Where I am now isn't home. Im quite upset and so is my mother. i know my mom isn't my responsibility, but I still feel bad. Somethings missing.

 

And despite all the problems I have with the folks, the fact I can't have anyone round there due to no entertaining rooms being available, I desperately want to move back.

 

Im thinking of giving it a month or two at the most, and if things aren't different, it's time to go back.

 

I also kind of discovered I've been a bit of an idiot. I am prejudiced against my parents. I treat them differently to my friends. I don't help them out expect to look after myself. But I could do more, like cut the grass or clean up after them from time to time. But after they have had a go at me for not picking up after myself, the last thing I wanted to do was to clean up after them. But suddenly moving into my own place, I understand the efficiency drives, I understand the ideas of buying energy efficient light bulbs etc.

 

T.

Edited July 30, 2012 by Tailor2000

[capricorndreamgurl3]

Give it time. It can be hard to move out on your own if you have lived with them a long time. Do you think that maybe you might be feeling guilty for moving out? I know I did when I moved out of my family's house. I felt bad because I moved out while they were fighting and because I wanted to be with my boyfriend. I felt like I moved out for the wrong reasons because I didn't have a job when I moved out. I just flat out moved in with him. Also, they did come into my room and clean it up too as if it were theirs and they NEVER went in there EVER. I guess in the end, it was their house, so I had to shut up about it.

 

Just give it time. If you feel uncomfortable and want to move back in with your parents, please have a talk with them. Tell them that you pay rent on your room and that YOU are responsible for your room NOT them. Tell them that you feel they are invading your space and that they don't need to clean up for you. Maybe also persuade them to let you help out around the house as well. It will give you some sense of responsibility.

 

If it's one thing I hate seeing, it's parents who never allow their kids to become responsible adults.

[Tailor2000]

Thanks Capricorn.

 

Already discussed moving back the following day when surprise surprise, the relationship with my folks suddenly multiples and blossoms into something wonderful, I realise what a jerk I've been in my snotty replies and short temper instead of me treating them like normal people, and things are Ok with them.

 

We both miss each other and agreed no shame in moving back.

 

As soon as I moved out, I started realising what my folks had been saying all these years about switching everything off and keeping costs down.

 

I really do understand where they're coming from.

 

Already making plans for me moving back in a couple of months - if Im still not happy, I'll just bite the bullet and pay the remaining rent and have done with it.

 

But the sticking issue is still my room.

 

I've tried to explain how if I want to keep it untidy, then if they don't like it, they should just shut the door, it's my space, just don't go in there. If I was dirty, that's one thing, but Im not. Just untidy as I have so much stuff.

 

But they keep saying as long as I keep on top of my room and give it a vacuum every couple of weeks then that's fine.

 

It's a bit much.

 

I agree I got to change my habits, but if I don't, it shouldn't be upto anybody but me when my room is cleaned!

Gah.

 

Im feeling really quite depressed right now.

 

I was feeling guilty about moving out. Now Im moved out, I don't really feel guilty because we've agreed I can move back. But I do feel sad and upset and very depressed. I've thought about driving into oncoming traffic it's got that bad, and that isn't a good situation.

 

I won't do anything stupid though, so please don't worry.

[Radu]

Stay there and keep living on your own, you will learn more.

[TaraMaiden]

Thanks Capricorn.

 

Already discussed moving back the following day when surprise surprise, the relationship with my folks suddenly multiples and blossoms into something wonderful, I realise what a jerk I've been in my snotty replies and short temper instead of me treating them like normal people, and things are Ok with them.

 

We both miss each other and agreed no shame in moving back.

 

As soon as I moved out, I started realising what my folks had been saying all these years about switching everything off and keeping costs down.

 

I really do understand where they're coming from.

 

Already making plans for me moving back in a couple of months - if Im still not happy, I'll just bite the bullet and pay the remaining rent and have done with it.

 

But the sticking issue is still my room.

 

I've tried to explain how if I want to keep it untidy, then if they don't like it, they should just shut the door, it's my space, just don't go in there. If I was dirty, that's one thing, but Im not. Just untidy as I have so much stuff.

 

But they keep saying as long as I keep on top of my room and give it a vacuum every couple of weeks then that's fine.

 

It's a bit much.

 

I agree I got to change my habits, but if I don't, it shouldn't be upto anybody but me when my room is cleaned!

Gah.

 

Im feeling really quite depressed right now.

 

I was feeling guilty about moving out. Now Im moved out, I don't really feel guilty because we've agreed I can move back. But I do feel sad and upset and very depressed. I've thought about driving into oncoming traffic it's got that bad, and that isn't a good situation.

 

I won't do anything stupid though, so please don't worry.

 

you want the best of both worlds - and so do they.

you need to sit down and agree a strategy in which you can come to a compromise - but actually, the final word is that yes - it's their home, and they have a right to lay down rules, even though you pay rent.

if they were stranger-landlords, they'd have an agreement drawn up - every conscientious Landlord does this - and you'd have to abide by the rules and comply. if not, you'd get evicted.

you have it cushy - living with parents who love you, but honestly?

you sound like a 17-year-old, about the tidiness...

Either move out, and live in a place the way you want to live - or comply with their request to be more tidy.

It's a real eye-sore when you're house~proud, and one person who claims to love you, respect you and want to live with you, disrespects your home and refuses to be tidy. That blares "I don't give a damn" louder than you think....

if you respect your mother, be nice to her and do as she asks.

It's distressing when kids do this - but a 30-year-old guy who really should know what it is to be independent?

please....

[pink_sugar]

While it's great you want to compromise with them, I agree with the others. Try and get used to living on your own. I am not trying to patronize you or anything, but as a man in his 30's who's never really been on his own, now is that chance. Do you have a decent paying job that will allow you to have your own apartment? If not, if you're already paying rent, then pay that rent with a roommate. Unless you've lost your job, there really isn't any reason to move back with your parents just because you miss them. I understand you never had a "need" to fly the nest, but it is one of those things most do with the coming of age. In all honesty, as a woman I wouldn't date a man in his mid or late thirties who was still living with his parents unless there was a valid reason such as job loss, caretaking etc. I know you pay rent, but it really isn't the same as being 100% independent and on your own.

[MuscleCarFan]

Honestly, you WILL NEVER have a major relationship as long as you live with your parents.

 

If you don't want you parents going into your room and cleaning, then move the hell out! It's that simple.

 

Don't you want to be able to anything you want without worrying about whatever restrictions your parents have because you live in their house and not a place of your own.

 

Live on your own, you'll grow more as a person than perpetually living at home.

[Tailor2000]

you want the best of both worlds - and so do they.

you need to sit down and agree a strategy in which you can come to a compromise - but actually, the final word is that yes - it's their home, and they have a right to lay down rules, even though you pay rent.

if they were stranger-landlords, they'd have an agreement drawn up - every conscientious Landlord does this - and you'd have to abide by the rules and comply. if not, you'd get evicted.

you have it cushy - living with parents who love you, but honestly?

you sound like a 17-year-old, about the tidiness...

Either move out, and live in a place the way you want to live - or comply with their request to be more tidy.

It's a real eye-sore when you're house~proud, and one person who claims to love you, respect you and want to live with you, disrespects your home and refuses to be tidy. That blares "I don't give a damn" louder than you think....

if you respect your mother, be nice to her and do as she asks.

It's distressing when kids do this - but a 30-year-old guy who really should know what it is to be independent?

please....

 

That's not entirely fair. As I say, I know relatively speaking how to be independent. I can cook, clean, wash, iron, and prefer time on my own. But I actually like living with my parents. So I can be independent. I guess I choose not to.

 

But there's only one room I keep untidy, but that's not because it is some great big defiance issue and power struggle, it's just that I have way too much stuff and I never know where to start and have a struggle to get going sometimes.

 

The problem has been the fact they've made such a big deal about it, makes me feel like a 17 year old, the whole, you have to keep your room clean saga. I keep the rest of the house clean, that's not a problem.

 

It hasn't been easy to keep on top of my room though and I was hoping they could look past that, see everything else I do, give me credit for it, and give me time and space to sort things out in my own way.

 

I don't particularly want to be told I have to vacuum every two weeks. I just want them to let go and let me do it when I want, within reason.

 

I don't know any landlords that would say you have to tidy your room though every week or we'll come in and do it for you. Damage? Well, that's a different thing.

 

I have a real problem when someone starts controlling your personal life, like if you were at work and someone said you had to do XYZ during your time within a week or you'd get a discplinary or something. During work time Im theres, but my personal time isn't up for negotiation unless I choose to give it.

 

I must say, this time in a flat, it's been interesting. Im very depressed, but my mindset has changed to work out how I can save, what I can and can't do, trying to save for a rainy day. I understand where my parents are coming from.

[TaraMaiden]

That's not entirely fair. As I say, I know relatively speaking how to be independent. I can cook, clean, wash, iron, and prefer time on my own. But I actually like living with my parents. So I can be independent. I guess I choose not to.

then if you choose not to - accept the consequences of living under someone else's roof!!

 

But there's only one room I keep untidy, but that's not because it is some great big defiance issue and power struggle, it's just that I have way too much stuff and I never know where to start and have a struggle to get going sometimes.

Then downsize, get rid of stuff, and let go of things you really don't need. I moved from a 14-room house - yes, 14-room - into one with 5 rooms. You have absolutely noooo idea how much 'stuff' I had to get rid of - it hurt - but it's gone, and hey, look at that - I'm still breathing, upright, alive and in one piece!

 

The problem has been the fact they've made such a big deal about it, makes me feel like a 17 year old, the whole, you have to keep your room clean saga. I keep the rest of the house clean, that's not a problem.

IT'S NOT - YOUR - HOUSE!! they have every right to ask you to comply with their request - what the hell...?!?

 

It hasn't been easy to keep on top of my room though and I was hoping they could look past that, see everything else I do, give me credit for it, and give me time and space to sort things out in my own way.

Like I said - you need to have a 'family conference' and reach some compromise - but never forget, ultimately, they have the right to ask a bit more of you, than you do of them.

 

I don't particularly want to be told I have to vacuum every two weeks. I just want them to let go and let me do it when I want, within reason.

Oh please... every two weeks?

My teenage (16 Y/O) step-son does his room twice a week - voluntarily!

 

I don't know any landlords that would say you have to tidy your room though every week or we'll come in and do it for you. Damage? Well, that's a different thing.

Have you ever seen a Landlord tenancy agreement?

Try googling.. You'd be amazed at the amount you'll be responsible for....

 

I have a real problem when someone starts controlling your personal life, like if you were at work and someone said you had to do XYZ during your time within a week or you'd get a discplinary or something. During work time Im theres, but my personal time isn't up for negotiation unless I choose to give it.

You live in the same house as your parents, therefore you abdicate some of that 'personal' time. You owe them, and this is one of the implied agreements of living with them. You have the convenience of this life, then you have to make some sacrifices. If you want all your time to be 100% your own - then move on out, and create an environment that's all yours.

 

I must say, this time in a flat, it's been interesting. Im very depressed, but my mindset has changed to work out how I can save, what I can and can't do, trying to save for a rainy day. I understand where my parents are coming from.

On a practical level, perhaps you have some insight - but as a son, and someone who has much to be grateful for?

I can't help seeing a selfish streak here....

[Tailor2000]

On a practical level, perhaps you have some insight - but as a son, and someone who has much to be grateful for?

I can't help seeing a selfish streak here....

 

Im selfish because I just want my own space?

 

My last post I said Im moved into a flat, you've just asked me if I've seen a tenancy agreement. I have yes, and I think if that tenancy agreement included the landlord coming in whenever he felt like to vacuum and put my stuff away, I don't think I'd be signing.

 

It's hard for me to get these next words right. I see it as a fine line.

 

It's for me the line between letting your kids grow up having an adult adult relationship with them, treating them like adults and giving them their space and stop directing their every more. The other side of the line for me is being overbearing and nannying your kids and badgering them if things aren't done their way, which according to you, if objected to, is demonstrative of a selfish streak?

 

I wouldn't expect my flat mate to burst into my room with a hoover, though he does seem to like taking my underclothes out of the washing machine and throwing my newspapers away if I haven't attended to them in five minutes.

 

I realise my mom isn't my flatmate, but things might be much more fulfilling if they were.

 

Now it's true I haven't really lifted a finger around my parents house in recent years, I just saw me being repsonsible for my mess around the house, and them being responsible for their mess. I always got told I didn't do anything even when I did, so I fell out of the routine of doing things around the house. But I'd still do it if required.

 

But Im anything but selfish.

 

I'd like to pick up on one prior point you made, re the, do as your mother asks (or maybe that should be as your mother tells you).

 

I know she's my mother, but tell me, in any other adult relationship (outside of work), would that happen? Would you do always as someone asks? Probably not. Why should parents expect more just for being parents? Why are parents unable to let go and stop parenting so much?

[pink_sugar]

I understand what you mean to some extent. My dad rents out a guest room, basement and upstairs studio in his house to 3 different people. Of course he wouldn't be able to enter unless he legally gave them 24 hours notice to do anything in there. But he has a right to inspection and unless the roommate is a complete slob, he cannot tell them anything. He can only tell them to remove their shoes when they walk through his house (before getting to their room) or etc. But yes, he has to abide by tenancy laws as people who live in an apartment. However, when a child lives with their parents, (paying rent or not) a parent can feel entitled to do and say what they want. This is exactly why I refuse to live with my dad and pay him rent. If I'm going to pay rent, I want to be 100% on my own with 100% privacy and this means not living with my parents.

[Radu]

You are not an adult.

 

You are a 37yr old man who has never had a serious relationship, who untill recently still lived at home and which complains like a teenager ... and you admitted to being wrong about the complaining too.

 

And this comes from a 30yr old who was and to some extent still is in a similar situation.

[TaraMaiden]

Im selfish because I just want my own space?

 

In your parents' house - it's not 'your own space'. it's space they're letting you occupy.

in a flat, away from home, paying rent, by agreement, to an official landlord (complete with 2 months' rent as deposit), THAT'S your 'own space'.

 

My last post I said Im moved into a flat, you've just asked me if I've seen a tenancy agreement. I have yes, and I think if that tenancy agreement included the landlord coming in whenever he felt like to vacuum and put my stuff away, I don't think I'd be signing.

a tenancy agreement wouldn't contain a clause of that kind - but it would certainly place far more responsibility on your shoulders for the upkeep, maintenance and care of the apartment - including deductions from your deposit for any damage or excessive wear and tear.

And don't forget - any future landlord will require a reference from a previous existent one.

 

It's hard for me to get these next words right. I see it as a fine line.

 

It's for me the line between letting your kids grow up having an adult adult relationship with them, treating them like adults and giving them their space and stop directing their every more. The other side of the line for me is being overbearing and nannying your kids and badgering them if things aren't done their way, which according to you, if objected to, is demonstrative of a selfish streak?

 

I wouldn't expect my flat mate to burst into my room with a hoover, though he does seem to like taking my underclothes out of the washing machine and throwing my newspapers away if I haven't attended to them in five minutes.

 

I realise my mom isn't my flatmate, but things might be much more fulfilling if they were.

 

How old are your parents? - and the thought has just struck me - though I could be wrong....

Where are they from?

 

....

I'd like to pick up on one prior point you made, re the, do as your mother asks (or maybe that should be as your mother tells you).

 

I know she's my mother, but tell me, in any other adult relationship (outside of work), would that happen? Would you do always as someone asks? Probably not. Why should parents expect more just for being parents? Why are parents unable to let go and stop parenting so much?

 

you cannot possibly compare colleagues at work, with your parents within their home. it's just not on the same level - at any level....

 

Parents can only let go of parenting, when you stop being their child.

Until that time ends - expect them to be parents - and go on parenting.

at 55, you think it's any different with my mother?

(With whom I don't live, by the way....)

[The Tallest One]

Sorry Taylor but your not going to win many people over here. If you want to be treated like an adult, grow up and be 100 percent independant!

 

Quit bitching about "your room", it's there house, there room. Show them some respect and keep it clean.

[Sugarkane]

Tailor- How in hell have you stayed sane all this time? Do your parents guilt trip you like mine have? For some reason mine always got completely offended that I don't want to be middle aged and living with them forever. Mine also are really conservative and think you have to be married just to leave. But I tell them no one ever will if I don't leave. Do they get emotionally/verbally abusive like mine?

What really makes me angry is don't they realize that it makes us want to cut them off completely? Why do they NEVER understand that?

[Sugarkane]

Do they use that you're single and not married as an excuse?

[Fugu]

I have twice lived with my mother in adulthood. I love her dearly, and I sometimes look back and realize that there were moments when I acted like a complete ass when I was living with her - and I feel guilty about those occasions. I realize, though, that it was because I was ashamed of my failure to take control of my life, and I was taking my frustrations out on her. Like your parents, my mother has had a tendency to be a bit too involved in my life at times, but I realize it's just her being in her role as a mother. It's what mothers do. It's up to the children to establish their independence and to get their own sense of personal freedom. That can be done while still maintaining respect for your parents for the roles that they've had in shaping your life.

 

I think moving out is essential. You'll feel better about yourself. You'll feel like an adult, and your parents will begin treating you like one. In fact, I feel that moving out and establishing your own independence is actually a very important part of the maturation of your relationship with your parents. You need to have that mutual sense of respect. I think that when you get to that phase, it develops into a deeper mutual sense of love for family. I strongly believe that parents need to see that their work is, in a sense, a finished product. That can't happen if someone is tethered to them and staying at home. It only happens when there is independence. Mind you, independence doesn't mean going without contact; it just means a bit of distance and self-sufficiency. Stay on your own, I say. But do visit regularly.

[Sugarkane]

I find these parents highly manipulative at the best of times. And would be happy if you were 50 and never left home.