moonmosaic Posted July 16, 2012 Share Posted July 16, 2012 I am in a big dilemma. It's a long story so please forgive me, I am trying to lay everything I know on the table at once. I was born in Hungary and my parents divorced when I was a baby. According to my mum my father had a sexual relationship was one of his students during their marriage who was a minor. He was arrested and put on the sex offenders list for 6 months (please don’t be surprised this was over 43 years ago and in a different country with a different legal system). My mum was devastated and tried to forgive. Somewhere during this “let’s have a baby to put things right” time I was conceived. My mum had a very hard time forgetting things and was sort of relieved when my father met someone else. I was only 2 months old when my father made the announcement. After my parents got divorced my father remarried and had another daughter. We are only a year and a half apart. My mum also remarried about 4 years later. She married a violent and controlling monster and somewhere during the course of the marriage he managed to persuade my mother to adopt me. My father says he was threatened by my stepdad and that made him give me up. My mum says the idea of not having to pay child support anymore played an important part. I am not sure what to believe; perhaps both are true; nonetheless, I was someone else’s child for 6 years. I never saw my biological father during this time. I was around 12 when my mother finally managed to get away from my monster (step) father. Divorce shortly followed and at the same time my mum requested the court that my biological father “takes me back”. I believe this caused a big shock with the “other family” and when my father appeared in court he was against the request. The judge scolded him off and told him he had no choice and he had to take responsibility for all his children. I think after this the family resented my mother (probably me included) because of child support payments. They did not even want to see me or want to make contact. To cut the story short by the time I finished uni I forgot I had a father and a half sister. Perhaps this was for the best. I was 21 when I left for England and established a life there for myself. I turned 30 when during one of those “home visits” I realized I had a half sister and that I should at least see her. I had this thing that my father didn’t want me so I was worried about rejection but against all my fears I contacted her. I was really shocked about how welcoming the whole family were. My father told me how much he missed me, my step mum talked about how much they loved me and suffered for not seeing me. I thought for a moment I was in a movie and took me a while to recover. Is it really true? Then why didn’t they contact me or tried to get in touch with me ever? I decided I didn’t care and was just going to enjoy this new bond. Ok, let’s fast forward to some recent events and the reason why I am here. This was 13 years ago and recently my mum found out that all properties my father and stepmother have are on my step mum's, my sister’s and her son’s name. There is absolutely nothing on my father’s name. Now I am not interested in inheritance or I am after money. I never asked them for financial help or hoping for a big payday after my father is gone. The reason this bothers me is that it kinda confirms what my mum always said (that I wasn’t wanted by the family and was more of a burden) and contradicts what they said (how much they loved me and cared about me). I decided to ask my aunt about this hoping that she would have the answer but in her reply she just blamed my mother. This was not encouraging and I told her that I did not want to talk about this further. Nonetheless she forwarded my letter to my step mum who as a reaction wrote a very nasty letter to my mother. The whole thing escalated to this silent war. I would like to write a letter to my father and my step mum but I have no idea what to say. One minute I want to apologize for looking like a gold digger in another I feel like why should I? My father has two daughters and two granddaughters why is he treating them different? I am really upset that they approached my mother and not me. Yes, my mum looked for the truth but why didn’t they write me instead? After all I was the one asking. I am hoping for some good advice. I want to solve this problem amicably. I want to tell them that I don’t care about the inheritance but at the same time I would like to know why my father, consequently my daughter and I are excluded. I am hoping that they have a huge debt! Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted July 16, 2012 Share Posted July 16, 2012 I would speak to your father and just your father about this. Everyone else's involvement is just complicating the situation but I think a one on one talk with your dad will bring you some clarity. Link to post Share on other sites
wow04 Posted July 16, 2012 Share Posted July 16, 2012 This is none of your mum's business. She needs to butt out. This is between you and your father. Link to post Share on other sites
Author moonmosaic Posted July 16, 2012 Author Share Posted July 16, 2012 I would speak to your father and just your father about this. Everyone else's involvement is just complicating the situation but I think a one on one talk with your dad will bring you some clarity. Thank you. It is going to be tough. I now live in the US and hardly ever visit. We normally communicate via email but his email address is joint with his wife's. I could perhaps write a letter but then again the chance that it gets to his wife's hands is pretty high. Of course I could also call him and hope that it's not his wife who answers the phone because then I have to explain why I am calling. Link to post Share on other sites
Author moonmosaic Posted July 16, 2012 Author Share Posted July 16, 2012 This is none of your mum's business. She needs to butt out. This is between you and your father. Yes, I know. She does want to be out of the picture but I feel that the burden of figuring out what is going on weighs heavy on my shoulders. After all I brought it up and asked my aunt regarding some sensitive issues. My father is too timid and I think his wife is in charge and wears the trousers. Link to post Share on other sites
3DRocks Posted July 17, 2012 Share Posted July 17, 2012 Can you send a certified letter that he has to sign for, that way you know he gets it, not her? Definately go to him directly. Link to post Share on other sites
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