Sunrain Posted January 14, 2004 Share Posted January 14, 2004 Just wondering if anyone deals with this same problem. I have a family member who often takes things I say the wrong way and when I try to explain what I mean he stays irritated and won't drop it. I know he will not change, he is very old and set in his ways like concrete. I just get upset after talking to him when I think of what I have to go through each time we talk. He hasn't a clue how he is so I think I just have to find a way to cope with it. Yesterday he kept repeating his response to me over and over and harping on it and I told him several times that I did not mean it that way yet I stayed calm. I told him what I meant and it went in one ear and out the other. I guess I needed to vent this. This way of his ruins our having a decent relationship because I don't like to talk very often because of it. If I were to tell him all of this he would most likely get extremely angry and tell me something is wrong with me like he has done in the past. I know he is very insecure and has a drinking problem, too, but that is not going to change either. I am very kind to him and complementing at times, too. I have told him the things that bother me at times and his reaction is to be snide and spiteful and retaliative. As I write this I wonder why I have any relationship with him at all. I feel I have to because he is my dad and the only one I will ever have. He has many good points too but the aggravation is so hard to take. I love him as my dad, too, but seriously would not choose him for a friend, sorry to say. Link to post Share on other sites
advicegirl Posted January 14, 2004 Share Posted January 14, 2004 I have the same problem with my moms boyfriend. You say one thing and he totally changes the subject. I used to just try and let it go but it is hard because you hate it when the change it all around. Maybe you could talk to him and actually ask him why he keeps changing everything around to make you look like the bad person. advicegirl Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sunrain Posted January 14, 2004 Author Share Posted January 14, 2004 Thanks for the reply advicegirl. You have an excellent idea there but I have tried it in the past and it only gets me verbally and emotionally abused. I think I have to just look at him as having a problem and it's sad we couldn't get a long better. I appreciate your response. Link to post Share on other sites
spencer Posted January 17, 2004 Share Posted January 17, 2004 Sunrain, I recommend reading "ACOA" "Adult Children Of Alcoholics". it might clear some things up for you. You are not the wrong one. Its not your fault. You have no control over his reactions and behaviors. Alcoholics in general create chaos, and has everyone running around to accommodate them. Its their way of being in control. take care Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted January 17, 2004 Share Posted January 17, 2004 Yesterday he kept repeating his response to me over and over and harping on it and I told him several times that I did not mean it that way He's an old guy, so he won't change. We all know that. Next time, try saying, "Oh, is that how it sounded, Uncle Joe? Oh, my, I say." Sidestep. Do not argue. You know what you meant, and so do most of the people in the room. You can't enlighten the unconscious, and you'll feel MUCH better if you don't even try... Link to post Share on other sites
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