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controlling mother Christmas visit


kmgmom

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Christmas visit. I am new here and have signed up because I can't figure out how to get along with my mother. I am married with three kids ages ranging from 11 to 4. My mother lives 7 hours south. We see her a few times a year. She is controlling by her coments and sighs and looks etc. I try to let most of go without comment, but my shoulders are rather hunched by the end of each day.

 

I exploded a few times. Once, we were all in the car with my husband driving and me next to him in our car. My mother sat in the back with the kids two rows. The kids were laughing and having a good time. I made a comment to my 61 year old mother that who apparently couldn't hear me over the kids. She said that they were dreadful and it was impossible to have a decent conversation around them. I turned around and yelled that my children were not dreadful and that I was tired of her saying things like that about the kids.

 

Another time I responded was when she said that I shouldn't discuss my brother with my husband. She said that he would think anything I told him to think. I told her that my husband was well aware of the situation with my brother (who hadn't called or returned Mom's Christmas calls after three days). I told her that my husband was perfectly capable of thinking for himself.

 

The were numerous comments said under breath about the kids messing up her house and us messing up her kitchen. She hates cooking, so we cooked and cleaned but she was not pleased.

 

When I am with her I feel like a dishrag. I am worn out trying to keep everyone in line for her. I've quit asking the kids to stay quiet. My husband trys to engage her but it is often challenging because she doesn't want to reveal any private thoughts to him.

 

When I try to talk to her about the visits or our relationship, she walks away and says something under her breath. One phone conversation she screamed at me that I was trying to change everything and that she wouldn't have it. She said I was just like my stepfather who left her because it was impossible for him to talk about their difficulties with her.

 

How can I make the visits less stressful? I feel obligated to see her. Family relationships are very important to me. She is not supportive of my ideas or actions. She has plenty of criticisms for my parenting. She barely knows my kids but blames me.

 

I feel whiny that I can't get along with her. Everything she says and does is totally annoying and frustrating. She is depressed when we visit because we make a mess of her home. I wish I weren't obligated to visit her. I wish I weren't obligated to call her. I am frustrated even after a phone call because I usually do something "wrong" in that space of time.

 

I can't face all the years ahead of stressful Christmas visits with her. I can't fathom subjecting myself, my husband and my children to years of trying to get along with her.

 

She is twice divorced from an absent husband and an alcoholic and was sexually molested as a child. I try to have sympathy for her, but I feel that I am the only family member who is left willing to spend time with her. She doesn't get along with my grandmother, my brother, brother's girlfriend, my aunt (her sister-in-law) etc. She has a couple of friends who live out of town. She is lonely. She wants my children to act like adults, quiet, orderly and agreeable. I am so glad I don't live near her anymore.

 

How do I set my boudaries with her so that she'll listen? How do I keep my frustration level down when I talk with her or visit her? How do I make the visits fun for me and my family?

 

kmgmom

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I have experienced some of this with my in-laws - heck, more than a week with my Mom without others to buffer can be challenging- there are some ways to ease the situation:

 

* Keep your visits short (that old saying is pretty true about fish and visitors smelling bad after 3 days)

* Stay away from controversial topics (if you know that talking about your brother will lead to an argument, don't bring it up or try to change the subject if she does)

* Plan activities with the kids so they aren't antsy in your Mom's presence (outdoor, some without Mom)

 

Be aware that she may still look for things to be critical of and it's tough to change at 61 (especially if you don't think you need to change). And every once in awhile you have to stand up for yourself and let her know that you refuse to be treated badly. And that may mean fewer visits.

 

How would you deal with a difficult child? You probably would not blow up, you would realize they didn't have the maturity. This may be how you have to deal with your Mom - distract her or give her a time out.

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When I am with her I feel like a dishrag. I am worn out trying to keep everyone in line for her. I've quit asking the kids to stay quiet. My husband trys to engage her but it is often challenging because she doesn't want to reveal any private thoughts to him.

 

For a number of reasons I emphathise with your desire to see less of your own mother. I guess neither of us are living on "Walton's Mountain!"

 

We have employed all of brashgal's tactics for more than a decade, and they work great. Grandma doesn't spend the night, and we see her maybe twice a year. When we do get together, there is a detailed plan for each hour in her presence which allows no time for critical conversation. For example, take her and the kids to a restaurant to decrease the potential for unseemly public comments about the kids, and particularly your cooking. Go to the park before or after (let's take pictures!!!). Make it a restaurant you must drive a good distance to reach. Perhaps you could become ill (migrain) just before departure and let your husband spend some "quality time" with grandma?

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Thank you to both of you for putting it in good perspective. The three day rule is good. It started falling apart around three days. Keep busy, keep the kids busy, eating out, treating as an unruly child etc, are good tactics. If I remind myself to think that way, I'll do much better. I am good at redirecting my kids so I could focus on redirecting my mother instead of exploding back at her.

 

You've both backed up my feelings. I try some of those ideas, but not consistently and certainly not with a plan. Having plans could help me get through.

 

kmgmom

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and have the same mother. Lucky for you she's 7 hours away...the rest of the time she lives with me (groan). Best advice I can give you is: give your guilt away. You will never please her, no matter how hard you try, so why wear yourself out?

 

After coming as close to a nervous breakdown as I care to about a year after she moved in with us (severe disability and no other kids to take care of her), I finally faced facts and got rid of the guilt. These days I can very effectively tune her out, and when she does get too hard to handle I just tell her, "Mom, we're not having this discussion. One more word and I'm leaving the house and not coming back until I'm ready." More than once she's said the "one more word" and I've made good on my declaration. Still doesn't stop her, but it does slow her down. And I feel not one iota of guilt.

 

I have come to the point where I actually feel sorry for my mother. It must be a terrible thing to feel so powerless you have to try to control someone else to have any positive feelings about yourself.

 

'Nuff said, and good luck.

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Now I know what would happen if I stood up for myself. Thank you for that insight on how you handle your mother's behavior.

 

kmgmom

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