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Mom thinks boyfriend is too "low class"


diet_frog

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I've been having massive family drama lately, mainly in the form of my disapproving mom.

 

I'm 24 years old, and just graduated from graduate school. My job isn't exactly high paying, and it's located 10 minutes away from my mom's house (parents are divorced) so I've been living at home to save money. It's been awkward to say the least, especially since I started dating my current boyfriend.

 

I felt that I needed to tell my mom about him since I was living at home, so I did. Boy, was that a mistake. My boyfriend is slightly older and graduated from a state university. Whereas, I graduated from a more prestigious university and went to a top university for grad school. Instantly, my mom thought he was too "low class." Especially when she discovered that his parents are what she considers "blue collar."

 

Basically, my mom massively disapproves. She picks fights with me and demands to know why I'm not just "friends" with him. She also questions me about why I didn't find a "nice boyfriend" when I was in graduate school.

 

My boyfriend is far from being a deadbeat. He works at a decent tech company and gets paid a great salary. He supports himself. He's also awesome to me, and we get along great.

 

The only thing is I feel like if I keep dating him my mom will never think of him as an "acceptable" partner. She's stubborn, and she admits that he's nice (she's met him a few times). Except she still thinks that "nice" doesn't cut it and that I would be better off with someone with an ivy-league education. Has anybody ever faced a similar situation? Any ideas on how to address these types of issues?

 

I've also decided not to tell my boyfriend about how my mom dislikes him. He thinks that she likes him since she's nice to him (to his face). Plus I don't want him to feel inferior since he's important to me. My mom's behavior is starting to wear on me, though. I really wish she could just accept him. Unfortunately I just don't see it happening.

 

Most of all, I'm just frustrated. I'm trying to save up money so I can afford to move out, but I fear that regardless of what I do my relationship with my mother will just disintegrate. I can imagine myself talking to her less and less because of her negativity and disapproval. I've tried talking to her about how she's hurting me, but it seems like she thinks she's just doing it for her "own good."

 

Sorry for the long exposition - I've vented to my brother and some close friends about this situation. But seriously, it's getting to me!

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Personally, I would just keep dating him and try to bite my tongue in front of my mom as much as possible.

 

Time does amazing things.

 

My SIL did not like her D's BF in high school. He drove a jacked-up truck, he fished constantly, he hunted a lot, his folks were country as butter beans, he never would take off his camo cap, he went to a 2 year Ag program instead of to university, he comes from a very straight-laced family of conservative Free Will Baptists.

 

After 4 years, she loves him. He has consistently treated her D with respect and love, he does things around the house to be helpful, he is pleasant, polite and well-spoken, he has excelled in his program at school and now co-managed his parent's farm. SIL jumps to his defense if anyone criticizes him, and she even started talking about weddings the other day.

 

Give it time.

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My job isn't exactly high paying.

 

He works at a decent tech company and gets paid a great salary.

 

Wait, has your mom confused you with him?

 

How is he "low class" and makes more money than you, but yet, you're some how "higher class" than he?

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SincereOnlineGuy
I've been having massive family drama lately, mainly in the form of my disapproving mom.

 

I'm 24 years old, and just graduated from graduate school. My job isn't exactly high paying, and it's located 10 minutes away from my mom's house (parents are divorced) so I've been living at home to save money. It's been awkward to say the least, especially since I started dating my current boyfriend.

 

I felt that I needed to tell my mom about him since I was living at home, so I did. Boy, was that a mistake. My boyfriend is slightly older and graduated from a state university. Whereas, I graduated from a more prestigious university and went to a top university for grad school. Instantly, my mom thought he was too "low class." Especially when she discovered that his parents are what she considers "blue collar."

 

Basically, my mom massively disapproves. She picks fights with me and demands to know why I'm not just "friends" with him. She also questions me about why I didn't find a "nice boyfriend" when I was in graduate school.

 

My boyfriend is far from being a deadbeat. He works at a decent tech company and gets paid a great salary. He supports himself. He's also awesome to me, and we get along great.

 

The only thing is I feel like if I keep dating him my mom will never think of him as an "acceptable" partner. She's stubborn, and she admits that he's nice (she's met him a few times). Except she still thinks that "nice" doesn't cut it and that I would be better off with someone with an ivy-league education. Has anybody ever faced a similar situation? Any ideas on how to address these types of issues?

 

I've also decided not to tell my boyfriend about how my mom dislikes him. He thinks that she likes him since she's nice to him (to his face). Plus I don't want him to feel inferior since he's important to me. My mom's behavior is starting to wear on me, though. I really wish she could just accept him. Unfortunately I just don't see it happening.

 

Most of all, I'm just frustrated. I'm trying to save up money so I can afford to move out, but I fear that regardless of what I do my relationship with my mother will just disintegrate. I can imagine myself talking to her less and less because of her negativity and disapproval. I've tried talking to her about how she's hurting me, but it seems like she thinks she's just doing it for her "own good."

 

Sorry for the long exposition - I've vented to my brother and some close friends about this situation. But seriously, it's getting to me!

 

 

Wow, I'm impressed. This tale usually falls on the side of the lowly boyfriend being far more lowly than the posting girlfriend will see or admit.

 

In your case it's your mom who is clearly in the wrong, and you are doing a noble (but personally taxing) thing in NOT burdening HIM with how your mother disapproves.

 

You already seem to have the appropriate vibes about the situation, and I think that time is on your side in that IF the relationship evolves from here forward, your mom will be caused to see your relationship as more 'normal' than (what is "surprising!!" ) at this point in your lives.

 

The best thing you can do for all parties involved is to inspire yourself to be happy with the relationship and that vibe alone will perhaps purify your mother in various ways with time.

 

"Never let'em see you sweat"

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Prior to meeting my husband, I had a short-term relationship with a guy who my parents didn't approve of because he's a career actor.

 

I duked it out with them for over an hour where at the end of it, we agreed to disagree. They refused to meet him which was fine, although they would have no say in my home, only theirs. Beyond that, they couldn't dictate anything.

 

What's funny is that we remained friends after breaking up and my parents have since met him and enjoy his company. But every time they pay him a compliment to me in private, I tease them about their previous behaviour of which it never fails to make them uncomfortable and never fails to make me laugh harder at them. No mercy for their bigotry.

 

So I guess the bottom line is that hopefully things will get better after you move out. But I do suggest you stand your ground if your b/f is someone you care about. Your mother's distaste isn't reasonable or rational.

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Prior to meeting my husband, I had a short-term relationship with a guy who my parents didn't approve of because he's a career actor.

.

 

Brad Pitt? Matt Damon? :eek:

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I am going to go out on a limb here and not immediately jump to demonize the mom. I think it's important that we understand fully, before rushing to bash.

 

After all, "low class" usually refers to culture, rather than one's professional resume. Is it his school pedigree that your mom is not happy with, or is it the kind of lifestyle that he grew up in? Is it the fact that he didn't go to an Ivy League college or the fact that he is generally not very well educated? (Because unfortunately, in this country, it is entirely possible to have a college degree and be borderline-illiterate.) Does she have a problem with his parents because they are "blue-collar", or because they are mired in certain, well, problems that particularly affect certain blue-collar groups in certain parts of the country? Or does she have a problem, perhaps, with the fact that you are just very culturally different and attracted to each other because of your differences rather than commonalities?

 

You've known your mom for a long time. Is she generally insanely snobbish, or is this something that seems out of the ordinary? Prior to this boyfriend, have you ever dated anyone from a modest background or someone who attended a state school? If so, what was your mom's attitude then?

 

A good thing to watch for is how other people in your family and circle of friends see your boyfriend. Is your mom a black sheep? Or do they ALL seem to think this guy isn't right for you? Look: you are a grown woman, and you would be perfectly within your rights to just ignore what anyone says. But if it's the latter -- if all, or most, people who care about you seem to not like this guy -- take it as a red flag and tread with caution. They might just have a point.

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Citizen Erased
Brad Pitt? Matt Damon? :eek:

Considering they're both married/committed and have kids, I would see her parent's issue with them. :laugh:

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the guy has an education. the fact it isn't from as a "prestigious" college as yours tells me your mother is one snooty fonzanoon.

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You've known your mom for a long time. Is she generally insanely snobbish, or is this something that seems out of the ordinary? Prior to this boyfriend, have you ever dated anyone from a modest background or someone who attended a state school? If so, what was your mom's attitude then?

 

Thanks for all the responses!

 

Sadly, this isn't the first time my mom has reacted this way. My ex-boyfriend that I dated on-and-off for about 3 years went to a "lesser" state school as well. She also strongly disapproved.

 

A lot of it is based on her preconceptions. Sure, his family is 'blue collar,' but they are financially stable. No real problems there. Culturally, we're pretty similar. And personally, my boyfriend and I have really, really similar viewpoints on most things in life ranging from the financial (how much money to spend/save) to personal things (lots of the same hobbies).

 

Crazily enough, I've literally been told by my mom that I should have only dated guys who went to the same school as me. Either that, or ivy-league educated men. She's basically worried about my "future husband's" career growth and money-making potential.

 

I'm just worried that when I do actually move out my relationship with my mom will just get worse, which is pretty tragic. Especially if things get more serious with my current boyfriend.

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Wait, has your mom confused you with him?

 

How is he "low class" and makes more money than you, but yet, you're some how "higher class" than he?

 

Why is my response ignored? :mad:

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Why is my response ignored? :mad:

 

How the hell is SHE supposed to know the answer to your question? She definitely doesn't agree with what her mom thinks, otherwise she wouldn't be posting here, would she? :confused:

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on the day you move out, tell your mother to stop trying to wash away her own failures by attempting to control your life.

 

because that's precisely what she's doing. i've seen it before with women i've dated.

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Your mom is being a snobby elitist about your education vs his education.

 

To give her the benefit of the doubt, I'm sure she loves you and just wants the best for you - she gave birth to you and raised you and thinks she knows what is best, lol!. However, at some point, parents need to let go and let you live your life and make your own choices. She may think you're making a mistake, but she has to let you grow up and make your mistakes (not that I think your bf is a mistake).

 

He's also awesome to me

 

Really, that's what matters. Keep repeating that to your mom when she starts in on his lesser college and blue collar roots. Just smile and keep telling her that he treats you well and makes you feel awesome and very happy. Tell her to be happy for you that you are so happy.

 

At some point, she will mellow out. Hopefully before you move out, but if not, she will mellow after.

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i guess your mom never saw the movie titanic.

anyways ur an adult and u have to live life the way you want it to.

either find a rich guy and act like a gold digger the way ur mom tells u to.

or marry a guy you actually love.

either way its up to u.

 

personally i dont understand what his parents type have to do with anything.

there are alot of poor people that came from poor parents who became succesful.

but i guess aslong as u live under ur moms roof its under her rules in the house.

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