Controlling parents and submissive adult daughter

[animallover]

I have what I thought was a very unnusual problem. My wife of over 25 years has always been very much controlled by her parents. They say jump and she says How High ? They mask this control with constant declerations of how much they admire and love each other but do all possable to cut me off from their interactions and comunications. We havent had a vacation together in 20 years because she spends that time with them. They share all info on our life including finances, which bothers me as I find that intrusive. She now wants to live part time with them (1500 miles away) and part time at home with me. 2 weeks there and 2 weeks here until they die. She feels she owes them that for adopting her and raising her. Her father is extremely manipulative and over bearing and they run me down trying to get to each other. They make no attempt to convey to me that the relationship between them is sacrid and I have no say in anything even where it affects me. I have pretty much decided that I cannot continue this way and have 2 choices. the first being to leave, which I beleive is the only way for me to escape this looney bin. A friend told me that there is a form of pedephelia without contact, which is based on control. I would like to know more about this if anyone has ever run across it. It could help me to better understand what I cannt cope with.

[QuestionNo17]

i dont know anything about the "mind control pedophilia"... but for the rest: have you tried talking to your wife about this? if not, try that before anything. if you've been married to this woman for over 25 years, i'm sure you definitely don't want to leave her now. so try your best to do anything you can to resist that. not to be rude, but how long do you think her parents have to live? if it's a short matter of time, let her live on/off with them like you mentioned. but if they don't plan on it anytime soon, definitely say something to your wife. i hope i was a help. if you reply with any questions, i'll try my best to answer

[animallover]

Thank you so much for the input. I have tried off and on for 25 years and we have gotten counceling where the councelor voiced concern over such a high level of control on her fathers part and her basic subbmissive nature when it comes to her parents. The problem with waiting them out is that her entire existance revolves around leading her life as if she were constantly under scrutiney by the. I am convinced that even after they pass on she will be influenced. It is that strong.

[QuestionNo17]

well if counceling didn't help, i really don't know what to tell you. i'm guessing at this point talking to her wouldn't do any good. but if so, try it.

[animallover]

Been there done that but thank you for responding. I beleive that the control exercized over her and the length of time have made it impossable for her to break free. She feels that there is no problem however everyone around us including the councelor has tried to get her to at least question the control but she refuses. If she feels she isnt doing enough for him she has actually gotten physically ill over it. I cannot continue this way.

[AprilFool]

Are you absolutely sure that the reason she likes spending so much time with her parents is because of her parents, and not because of you? I know you don't like to hear such things, but when things are bad in my marriage, I like spending time with my parents more and more. They only live about two hours away, but I spend the night with them on weekends sometimes.

 

I didn't do this, until my marriage became unhappy. My husband is overbearing, and controlling. I love him, though, and would like to make my marriage work, but to be quite honest, I can't stand to be around him sometimes.

 

On the other hand, since I've moved out of my parents house, they are nice, thoughtful, helpful, and interested in me. They love me unconditionally, are always there for me, and look forward to my visits tremendously!

 

So when my husband makes me feel unloved, and like he doesn't want me around...I go where people do want me around: my parents.

 

Maybe she doesn't have a mental problem...maybe her parents aren't controlling. Maybe she's found them to be her escape from an unhappy home. She probably isn't able to communicate with you. Maybe she feels you are too controlling. Maybe the reason she confides in them and not you about finances and such, is so she can feel in control of something.

 

It does sound silly, but I will purposely keep a secret from my husband, so I can feel like my own person sometimes. It helps me to feel like he doesn't control everything in my life, but that I can control some things. AKA, the money thing.

 

I may be way off here! It's my experience, however, that my parents are a breath of fresh air away from my husband sometimes. It is my experience that when things are bad at home, and he won't communicate with me, I like to get away from him for a while. It's my experience that when a husband is controlling, it helps to keep sanitiy when the wife controlls something herself. Maybe she's talked to her parents about how she feels in her marriage, and they have taken her side against you, and are doing everything in their power to help her, which looks to you like manipulation and control.

 

I don't know her side of the story. I could be, and very well may be way off base. My husband would be absolutely clueless as to how I feel about his controlling behavior. He doesn't listen when I try to tell him how I feel, and gets very VERY angry if I try.

 

Yes, I have marital problems, and I've only been married 8 months. I don't think my husband has a CLUE how unsafe and insecure I feel in our marriage. He won't listen when I try to tell him....he gets defensive.

 

Take a good look at yourself, and your relationship with your wife, before you put all the blame on her. Then, if you still feel like she is a loon, then by all means, write back, and tell me how wrong I am.

[animallover]

I wish that were the case as I am more open to try and work with a problem. This all started within weeks of our marriage and I have been told by family that it has always been this way. The first week we were married her father told her that she needed to go back East with them for vacation (we had been back from the honey moon 2 days when I was notified that she woould be gone for 3 weeks. A year later I was transfered and we had to find a place to live in a new town and the night before our flight to go house hunting she informed me that her parents were quite upset bout the move and she was going to go spend time with them while I found a place for us to live. Her father showed up within minutes to explain how they had faith in my ability to obtain suitable living accomadations and as I stood there with my mouth open they both left. We broke up shortly thereafte and we decided to write instead of calling to give a break to both of us. weeks later she wanted me to come get her (at her parents house) I drove to to their home to get her and when I went out on the deck my wife and her father were sitting there with my letters to her (intimate personal letters) sharing them and her father was reading them. I should have turned around then and not looked back. I can no longer even have a conversation with her without getting angry and I am only happy when she is gone. I cannt stand being around her but it wasnt always this way and I know that it is a sickness that she has and I can no longer deal with it. I wish her the best but she sees nothing wrong with this relationship that has destroyed our marriage.

[AprilFool]

Sounds like you proved me wrong

[catalyst]

This is something I am seeing a lot. Mabey it is because it happened to me so Im hyper-aware. No one seems to be aware of the damage a parent like this can actually do, in fact, the adult child is often pegged as the problem. I cut myself off from my mother years ago I had to for my own sanity. Yet more often than not, people see me as a cold hearted mom hater for it. If a 10 year old wants to be as far as possible from a parent do you automaticly assume something is wrong with the kid? People just seem to put up with it no matter how abusive it gets. These parents can literaly destroy you and anyone who loves you in their obsession with holding on to thier baby girl or boy. Shared DNA is not a licence to dominate, control or abuse.

 

I made a yahoogroup to adress this and bring on more awareness, child abuse does not stop at 18. Sometimes it doesnt really start untill you turn 18.

 

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ControllingParents/

 

There is another one for ladies only you can link through if youd like.

 

Yes, there should be one for men too, you'd better get on it then.

[catalyst]

"A friend told me that there is a form of pedophelia without contact, which is based on control"animallover.

 

Its called covert incest, emotional incest or just described as parents "partnering" their kids. It is a disorder, there is very little info about it. Its just like pedophelia except there is no sex. Just one big mind f***.

 

Amazon books has some interesting titles "When Parents Love too Much", "Emotional Blackmail" is handy. Also "Emotional Incest" and "Children of the Self Absorbed."

 

Your wife has to decide shes had enough, sounds like she plays right along with it. Hon there really is nothing you can do. Cant even tell you to give it time. You have. Your steadfastness is admirable. Your wife has no idea what shes losing.