Sunrain Posted November 26, 2003 Share Posted November 26, 2003 I lost my mother to cancer about 2 months ago. It's been so hard even though she is no longer in agony. You never know years before what the future holds. I never imagined that my mom would get cancer and suffer and go through all she did. It was devestating to me and my family. When she was in hospice near the end I knew she was going to die but could not stand the thought. As I look back I see that I did the best I could and I really tried. It's so frustrating when you cannot do anything to change their sickness, though. I was forced to accept all that happened to her and when she died I could not believe it at first. Since then I have felt like I've been hurled into a brick wall and that hurts like you wouldn't believe. The holidays are upon us already and I can't stand the thought of even celebrating them this year. I don't think I will. Link to post Share on other sites
Jamie31 Posted November 26, 2003 Share Posted November 26, 2003 Losing a loved one is hard, I know that it has to be. I personally have never experienced the loss of a close friend/relative. Most people have already faced the death of a loved one by the age that I am now, but I have been fortunate and noone especially close to me has died. But I am sure that when that time comes and someone I love very much does die, it will hurt me that much more and I will have a harder time coping with it than I would if I had faced it already. Death scares me more than anything. The thought of losing someone I love frightens me more than anything in the world. I dred the day when I have to face it. I know it must be horrible to lose a mother especially. I can't imagine losing mine. And I know it can be ten times worse around the holidays when family is so important. It will no doubt take a long time for you to come to terms with your loss and to find a way to make peace with it, but I think that carrying on is neccesarry. Not celebrating the holidays would only make it worse. You must carry on and remember the good times you had with her. Embrace her memory by re-living things that you used to share with her - including christmas and other holidays. I am sure your mother would want to see you continue on the best you can. Good luck, and have a wonderful Thanksgiving. Link to post Share on other sites
GeorgiaSongbird Posted November 26, 2003 Share Posted November 26, 2003 Sunrain.. I'm so sorry about your mother.. It is hard to watch someone who is ill slowly passing away and feel you can't do anything to help them.. It hasn't been very long for you to deal with such a great loss. Hopefully, time will help you remember the good things/memories and ease the pain of her passing. I know it's hard but try to celebrate the holidays this year. The first holiday season I had without my grandmother was very hard...But for me, it was always a way of remembering her.. remembering the traditions we had with her and keeping her alive in my heart. Sending good thoughts and support your way.. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted November 26, 2003 Share Posted November 26, 2003 I can't imagine loosing my Mom. All I can say is...your post of hope....will always help me to deal with it when the time comes. I'm so sorry my friend.....I wish I had some adequate words to make you feel better..... Arabess Link to post Share on other sites
mfrmboy Posted November 26, 2003 Share Posted November 26, 2003 Im very sorry for the loss of your mother. Your post reminded me of the other day when I was visiting my mom. She asked me if I wanted these various items when she died ! I said of course, then said well when I die do you want this and this. I said mom there is a plan for all of us, I may very well die before you ! I could have died in the car accident I had in 88 (very bad accident Im surprised I did survive). I could die on my way home. We go when its time, we cant predict it if we could we could prevent it. Your mother is still with you in spirit and looking over you and your family. She will be with you! Im sure she would want you to go on and not be sad for her. So celibrate and make sure to include good thoughts of her. I know this is a hard time for you. But be strong and you will be ok. Just remember she is still with you just in different form. Hope you have a great holiday ! God Bless Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sunrain Posted November 27, 2003 Author Share Posted November 27, 2003 Thank you for your replies. I still plan on staying home alone on the holidays this year. It will actually be better for me this way although I know some of you may not understand the way I feel about it. Every loss hurts badly. I lost my sister many years ago and it does not make the next loss any easier. Just telling my experience. You go through the same exact thing over again when you lose the next loved one. The pain is always intense after the shock wears off and that is where I am at right now. I am not bitter or anything, just sad right now and some days are harder than others. Thanks again for the replies and condolences. I appreciate the concern and thoughts. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted November 27, 2003 Share Posted November 27, 2003 You have my sincere sympathy on your loss and your pain. As I look back I see that I did the best I could and I really tried. These words touched me. This is a wonderful thing to be able to say. I will pray for a lessening of your pain. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sunrain Posted November 27, 2003 Author Share Posted November 27, 2003 Thank you! When someone close dies we all question if we did enough and after asking myself that I recalled all the cards, phone calls, visiting and agony I went through trying to help. Yes, I can say I did try hard to help my mother. I am glad I always told my mom I loved her and hugged her often as she was in a horrible state of having the cancer spread to her brain. I got her a teddy bear that she kept hugging and I burried it with her, too. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted November 30, 2003 Share Posted November 30, 2003 my heart goes out to you, sunrain -- losing a family member, especially one you're close to, is pretty damned crappy, if you ask me, but for you, I'm glad that you have the love you do for your mom to help make her last days a little more comfortable and caring. And I think that this, beyond anything else, has given her comfort and security when she needed it most ... I read an newspaper article once that talked about the grieving process, that in order to get past that stage, you cannot circumvent it, but experience it. Bittersweet, yes, but I think that in the end a person learns more about herself/himself, and grows in compassion and love. There is a movie that Anthony Hopkins and Debra Winger did many years ago, called "Shadowlands." it's based on the Christian author C.S. Lewis's meeting and marrying an American divorcee named Joy, and how he'd lost her to cancer (I think that was the ailment). Anyhow, there's a line in the movie when she's battling the disease, and she tells him that 'part of the happiness we had then is tied into the sadness/sorrow we have now,' but it was okay, because it all balanced out. Rent it if you can, it's got a lovely message about the grieving process, and about how love transcends even death and grief and loss. And I think that holds true, the part about love being bigger than all of that ... so that when you do lose someone close to you, the love stands out more shiningly than does the hurt, in the end. I hope that your Thanksgiving wasn't as dismal as you feared, but that it was a time of healing for you and your family. quank Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sunrain Posted December 26, 2003 Author Share Posted December 26, 2003 Thanks for your wise words. I will remember the name of the movie and see if I can get it. I stayed home for Thanksgiving and honestly had nowhere to go anyway. I enjoyed being with my pets. I stayed home this Christmas, too, just me and the pets. They are great to be with, too. Link to post Share on other sites
mjk Posted December 26, 2003 Share Posted December 26, 2003 That is so sadding about your mother. When my time is here to face that I pray for the strength I know i will need. You should feel good to your heart that you had the ability and desire to be by her side. My parents are in their early 70's, doing fine, but, I know my Dad is having, and has had, health problems and I find myself thinking about the "what-if". They recently moved within 1/2 mile from my home and I can be there for both of them. Honestly...I can say that my heart goes out to you and to your courage! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sunrain Posted December 29, 2003 Author Share Posted December 29, 2003 Thanks mjk. It is a very sad thing that happened to my mom with the cancer. We never know how much time we have with our loved ones. Watching what happened to her was the hardest thing I've ever been through. I never thought I would go through that or that she would die that way. I think our strength comes to us at those hard times but I was also falling apart watching it all happen. I prayed to get through each day. Being close to your parents must be a comfort to them. It is scary wondering those "what ifs." I've been wondering now about my dad who is 80. I'd like to move closer to him. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted December 29, 2003 Share Posted December 29, 2003 Watching what happened to her was the hardest thing I've ever been through … I think our strength comes to us at those hard times but I was also falling apart watching it all happen I've lost my mom since my last post to you, she died in early December. like your mom, mine didn't die unexpectedly, though it still was hard to cope with, especially since I was very, very close to her. Because my job is very family-oriented, I'd been able to visit her pretty often, which was a blessing in itself because it gave us time to talk about her dying, it gave me strength because I got to witness her very strong faith. this whole experience has only reinforced what I've felt all along: that love is stronger than death, that when the grieving subsides you still have that person with you – she really doesn't go away simply because of that love-bond you shared. I miss my mom madly, but I still feel her with me and that's something that's carried me these past several weeks. ... dang, I didn't mean to start leaking tears over this, or to cause any more sadness, but only share my belief that a true love – like a mother's love – never, ever goes away .... hugs, quank Link to post Share on other sites
mjk Posted December 30, 2003 Share Posted December 30, 2003 Hi Sunrain, I hope you are feeling better, thanks for the note back. How are you doing? I can't imagine the sensations you must still be feeling. I also would say that if you can move closer to your dad with no real problems I think I would do that myself. My Dad had/has cancer too. Lymphomic type. It is in remission and its been about 2-3 years now. I wish that with all the technology the world has we still can't find a cure for cancer, hopefully someday... Take Care! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sunrain Posted January 6, 2004 Author Share Posted January 6, 2004 quankanne, I'm very sorry to hear about the death of your mother. It must be an especially hard time for you now. I'm not feeling so good myself. I slip in and out of depression and sometimes very deep, too. I'm just trying to hang in there and I make myself do everything that I do. I only feel like sleeping but I force myself to do more. I wish you peace. mjk, I hope your father stays in remission. You must have gone through a lot, too, since he has had cancer. Cancer really makes us aware of how precious life is, at least for me. I'm just trying to get through each day now and find things to do that will bring me out of the pits. Thanks for your concern. I, too, think they ought to find a cure for cancer already. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted January 6, 2004 Share Posted January 6, 2004 I appreciate your condolences, sunrain ... there are good days and lately, some not-so-good days, but I figure it's all a part of the grieving process. Another part of that process is to identify a source/a place where you can go for counselling or help when you need it. Have you contacted anyone to help you through this -- a counsellor, a minister or priest, a psychiatrist? I've heard people tell me about their doctors proscribing a mild anti-depressant to help them cope; others have said just being in touch with someone who provides grief ministry has been a blessing because they have someone to share their pain with. Slipping in and out of depression is a very serious thing, Sunrain. Please speak to your doctor or another professional who can help you get things back into balance because even as you grieve from losing someone you love, you shouldn't have to grieve to the point of suffering so badly. feel free to PM me through this site if you just want to talk in private. You are very much in my prayers ... quank Link to post Share on other sites
Errol Posted January 6, 2004 Share Posted January 6, 2004 HokeyReligions Senior Member Registered: Oct 2002 Location: Hell's other half acre Post: 4 | Quote: I understand. I found help here - at Beyond Indigo. Follow the link. There is a LOT of help and comfort to be found there. http://www.death-dying.com/grief/ I am so, so sorry. __________________ Celebrate a Simple Life ----------------------------------------- Everyone has an other side If you push my buttons I'll show you my other side ~Jerry Lewis I checked out this website a while back when my brother died. Someone else posted it on LS. Maybe it will help you both too. there are message boards and information and support. Even a section for when a pet dies. You have my sympathies. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sunrain Posted January 11, 2004 Author Share Posted January 11, 2004 Thanks quankanne and errol for your ideas and concern. I have been getting offline help for quite awhile in the form of a professional, I'll be going tomorrow. I have not found it as helpful as I would hope. I think I may join a grief support group, too. I have also been to the website mentioned, too. I'll be going back and I appreciate it. I have other things going on in my life that I can't seem to conquer right now but everything takes time and grieving really can make a person feel pretty bad. I've lost other loved ones and had a very hard time then many years ago, too. I did make it through but it just takes time. I wish there was a miracle cure for it but it's something I just have to go through. I just keep plodding along doing the routine things of life, hoping things will start lightening up before too long. Depression is a part of grief unfortunately. It's about the loss of a valuable person so I understand it. It's not like I'm depressed horribly 24/7 though, I do all I can to try and pull myself out of it. I exercise at a gym 3 times a week, watch movies to divert sometimes, talk to people on the telephone, and get some outside help and do other things, too. I have to continually do things to lift myself up but I know the things to do so I'm okay. Thanks again. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted January 12, 2004 Share Posted January 12, 2004 I just keep plodding along doing the routine things of life, hoping things will start lightening up before too long. just keep the faith, kiddo ... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sunrain Posted January 13, 2004 Author Share Posted January 13, 2004 you, too quankanne. You may be in for a hard time once the shock of things wears off on you. Not to scare you but that's how it happens. I hope you, too, will get all the help you need if you find it necessary, take care sweetie. Link to post Share on other sites
Kay Posted January 19, 2004 Share Posted January 19, 2004 Hello, Sunrain. I just stumbled upon your post and wanted to offer my own condolences. Like you, I also lost my Mom (on December 15.) She was on a respirator and life support and I was there holding her hand until she passed away ... Sadly, Sunrain, I know all too well your pain. I am so glad to know that you are talking to a professional. Might I also suggest that you explore the possibility of taking antidepressants? After my Dad died five years ago, I experienced a tremendous depression. He literally dropped dead of a massive heart attack with no warning whatsoever and the grief was unbearable. Therapy was a life saver, but especially coupled with antidepressants. Somehow they helped "take the edge" off so that I could start to think more rationally and not cry at the drop of a hat. They are by no means "happy pills, but they really did help. I am a big believer in the power of prayer. I will keep you in mine. Please take care of yourself and give yourself time to grieve. Everytime you find yourself smiling even a little, consider that your Mom is watching and she is happy for you. Keep in touch. I care. Kay Link to post Share on other sites
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