Scottie Posted January 30, 2011 Share Posted January 30, 2011 (edited) My mum is a control freak and it has gotten to the point where I no longer feel I have my own life, everything is controlled by her. I am 23 soon. She tells me how to do everything from, how I have my hair cut, what clothes I wear, what music I listen too, what time I leave the house, where I park my car, things I say, everything. Its driving me insane and I simply can’t afford to move out. I don’t have my own space as I have to share a room with my younger brother. Today has really driven me mad! Yesterday she told me to wash my car, I am due to take it into the garage tomorrow for a minor repair and she said I couldn’t take it in looking dirty. (Why?) This morning she told me again to wash it. Its winter and too cold to be outside washing my car. A few hours later I look out my window only to see my Dad washing it! I asked her why he was doing it and she spouted off at me and told me to “shut up” She says childish things to me all the time like “Scott, shut up, its my house, its my rules, now shut up and do as your told” Its redulious she sent him out to do it and my Dad just does as he’s told for a quiet and peaceful life The car belongs to me, its mine, I paid the deposit, I pay the finance, the tax, the MOT, the insurance and the fuel. It’s my car and nothing to do with anybody else; no one has the right to tell me what to do with it. Why does my mum think she can carry on like this. If I let her do this how far will she go? I don’t tell her about girlfriends ect because I know what she can be like sometimes, she seems to want to control and have some sort of power over everything I do. Its driving me insane! Edited January 30, 2011 by Scottie Link to post Share on other sites
Mavisse Posted January 30, 2011 Share Posted January 30, 2011 Honestly, I would sell the car if it meant I could move out. You need to experience the dignity and self-respect of being independent. Even if it's just a tiny room in somebody else's place...when it's your space, you set the rules on how others can speak to you, and it's bliss. Link to post Share on other sites
Leviia Posted January 30, 2011 Share Posted January 30, 2011 I too have a very controlling family. My mom and dad divorced awhile ago and she moved to another town with her (now) fiancee. I moved in to a duplex house with my father. (my aunt is a real estate agent and we rented off of her) Him on one side and my (now EX) husband, myself and our daughter. It was a good situation for awhile... my (ex) husband and I mowed the lawn, shoveled in the winter, helped with the bills. But when my Ex cheated on me and I kicked him out .... well then the controlling started. My dad was in a better place financially so he helped me with my bills since I was pregnant and alone with 2 other kids. As time went on I was being controlled on what I did, who watched my kids ....who I tried to date... what time I had to go to bed, how loud my TV was, what friends I could have over ... on and on and on. But let me tell you Scottie that they have NO right once you are an adult, to control you. They have to let you make your own decisions and mistakes because that's how we learn. YOU are your own person, YOU have to live your own life. Find a job, get a cheap apartment somewhere. Going to college? Get a dorm room. If you let them keep controlling you it gives them silent permission to do so. Stand up for yourself, your a grown man with a voice and thoughts that are yours and yours alone. They are your family and will always love you .. that doesn't mean they will be happy with all your choices but that's a part of life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scottie Posted January 30, 2011 Author Share Posted January 30, 2011 Thanks Leviia I am glad someone agrees with me, I try to tell her I am an adult and she can’t treat me in this way but my mum has this way of trying to make me feel like I am child again and I must obey her because I live in her house. I really can’t afford to move out, I do work, have done since I was 16 and I pay my way, I have recently bought a new car and I will be making monthly payments on that for the next three years so unless I find another job with more hours/money (its hard in these difficult finical time) then I think I am stuck but it really is driving me insane and my mum is impossible to talk too. Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted January 30, 2011 Share Posted January 30, 2011 While Talking and sorting things out works for some folks, I've also found that Actions speak louder then words. Wear earplugs if the nagging becomes to much or just go about things in an adult fashion. Keep inter actions to a minimum. Link to post Share on other sites
Jonno_S Posted January 31, 2011 Share Posted January 31, 2011 Do you realize that you have something to do with the situation? Your response is fuel to the fire. Why not just ignore her or respond with bromides like, "Great idea mom..." but then just ignore her? The mistake you seem to make is respond and that legitimizes what she's doing and continues your her behavior. By responding, you are actually telling her that she has a valid or legitimate good point (and that you don't like it). Consider how a baseball player ignores a ball that is hit clearly foul. The game resumes at a much quicker pace than if he runs after it and tries for a play. If you just ignore her or not respond, it will drive her nuts rather than you Link to post Share on other sites
TwinkletOes26 Posted January 31, 2011 Share Posted January 31, 2011 Try sitting down and talking to her...and if she doesnt listen then ...do what i did when i was your age....go to college on campus far away LOL. She cant control what she cant see. I know things are tough in this economy but if you can save money up and move ...dont get caught up if shes like my mom no amount of talking will get her to see things any other way but hers. One last thing next time they tell you to shut up simply point out that they are responding like children. Link to post Share on other sites
Puffys52 Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 Scottie i feel for you. Controlling Parents are stressful and judging by how your mother controls you, its quite unbelieveable. I wouldn't let my parents control what i wear or how i have my hair styled. That is my decision and mine alone. Never the less, cope with it until the time is ready for you to afford to move out and what happens next is up to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Hibou Posted February 7, 2011 Share Posted February 7, 2011 (edited) My Mom is the same way, and I'm 27. She lives 12 hours away, so it's not as annoying, but it really messed with our relationship until this Christmas. I suddenly realized that her incessant nitpicking is just her mind's inability to relax. She always has to be looking for a task, and if she doesn't have any, she thinks of all of mine. She can't let her mind be still, and I don't know why. "Restless energy" should be on her tombstone. It REALLY helped me to understand why she bosses me around so much. It has always made me feel like she thinks I'm incompetent, but when I understood the reason behind the impulse, I stopped being angry. It's still annoying, but it doesn't get to me. I know it's really annoying advice, but you just have to let her comments wash over you. Not letting her get to you will make you seem more like an adult than bickering will. Real adults ignore people who give them ****. I'm not saying you should be sassy - just be diplomatic and try to stay out of the house as much as you can. You sort of just have to accept some people "as-is" - you can tell her how it makes you feel, and hope she eases up, but I wouldn't cross my fingers. Your parents are who they are. The hardest thing about growing up is learning to blame your parents, and then learning to forgive them. You can only have as good of a relationship with your parents as you can. The mid-twenties are a turbulent time for families... I know you have no money, but you should really make moving out a priority. Edited February 7, 2011 by Hibou Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted February 8, 2011 Share Posted February 8, 2011 she can’t treat me in this way but my mum has this way of trying to make me feel like I am child again and I must obey her because I live in her house. Two things. First, you DO live in her house so, yes, you DO have to accept a certain level of having to respect her (and your dad's) rules in her house. You're an adult, but you are being supported financially; therefore, it sucks, but it IS your responsibility to abide by her rules. Second, while that is true, one thing that's hard for young adults to grasp is that you have a responsibility to break free, to start living by your own code, to the extent possible. While you can't throw a party in her house just because you're an adult, you CAN refuse to wash your car just because she says to. Those are the kinds of little baby steps that young adults have to take, to become full-fledged adults. It's painful, for sure, But it's necessary. You've grown up learning to be passive like your dad. She's berated him into submission so, when you refused, she turned to the one person she can still control: your dad. And he caved, as you knew he would. You can learn from this, and take steps to ensure that you learn your own boundaries for what you can and can't accept from others, and know what your actions will be when faced with such occasions. That way, when you meet a girl like your mom (count on it; we all date/marry our parents), you may have enough insight to break the pattern and NOT become like your dad. Consider living at home your 'labratory.' Link to post Share on other sites
IAMFOOTBALL Posted March 3, 2011 Share Posted March 3, 2011 My mum is a control freak and it has gotten to the point where I no longer feel I have my own life, everything is controlled by her. I am 23 soon. She tells me how to do everything from, how I have my hair cut, what clothes I wear, what music I listen too, what time I leave the house, where I park my car, things I say, everything. Its driving me insane and I simply can’t afford to move out. I don’t have my own space as I have to share a room with my younger brother. Today has really driven me mad! Yesterday she told me to wash my car, I am due to take it into the garage tomorrow for a minor repair and she said I couldn’t take it in looking dirty. (Why?) This morning she told me again to wash it. Its winter and too cold to be outside washing my car. A few hours later I look out my window only to see my Dad washing it! I asked her why he was doing it and she spouted off at me and told me to “shut up” She says childish things to me all the time like “Scott, shut up, its my house, its my rules, now shut up and do as your told” Its redulious she sent him out to do it and my Dad just does as he’s told for a quiet and peaceful life The car belongs to me, its mine, I paid the deposit, I pay the finance, the tax, the MOT, the insurance and the fuel. It’s my car and nothing to do with anybody else; no one has the right to tell me what to do with it. Why does my mum think she can carry on like this. If I let her do this how far will she go? I don’t tell her about girlfriends ect because I know what she can be like sometimes, she seems to want to control and have some sort of power over everything I do. Its driving me insane! Wow I thought I had it bad. I'm 15 and she puts limits on computer and checks history and all that. Lucky for me she doesn't know much about computers so I got a router and am on my iPod now. Also she won't let me have texting, EVER. Well, until I move out. Link to post Share on other sites
SuzanDishongj Posted March 3, 2011 Share Posted March 3, 2011 Interesting topic. Want to see more on what you guys think about this. Link to post Share on other sites
Whergeerorway Posted March 3, 2011 Share Posted March 3, 2011 Ð½ÐµÑ‚Ñ€Ð°Ð´Ð¸Ñ†Ð¸Ð¾Ð½Ð½Ð°Ñ Ð¼ÐµÐ´Ð¸Ñ†Ð¸Ð½Ð° Link to post Share on other sites
Eddie Edirol Posted March 4, 2011 Share Posted March 4, 2011 Talk to your dad about this, he is the only one that can stand up to her that might make her be able to listen. There were a ton of interesting points brought up in this thread about the reasons she is controlling. Tell your dad that his passiveness is also fueling her behavior and you two need to stand up against her...unless she is paying all of the bills. I also say ignore her and stay out of the house as much as possible. But your ultimate solution is to move out of the house anyway you can. Sell the car and GET OUT. Get a small one bedroom somewhere, get another job, and keep away from her. Dont get into arguments with her either, dont respond to her when you dont have to. If she is nitpicking because her mind has to keep moving, then just dont respond when you dont have to. Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted March 15, 2011 Share Posted March 15, 2011 move out of the house Link to post Share on other sites
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