Very sad....(actual text)......

[rhonian]

Long story short, I separated in '03 and divorced in 05. I moved 1000 miles away from my kids for a multitude of reasons. Our relationship has been strained ever since. Iam trying to reestablish my relationship with my kids but my XW refuses to help....

 

Dad - How are you

Dad - Did you get my text

Dad - I want to come see you. Please respond.

Son - Im good why

Dad - i miss you

Son - yeah i bet

Dad - u dont believe me

Son - ikd yet!

Dad - dont know what

Son - Idk if i believe you. Cause you are not doing anthing for us. Like child support or anything?

Dad - The child support is out of my control. Iam not workn. I have done all the ppwrk on my end and sent it to Florida c.s.

I even asked them if i could send money to your mom and they said anything I would send would be a gift and not credited to me. So

what would you do? Im 5000 in the hole do you think i want that? I know what you all are thinkn that im deliberately doing this but im

not. Child support was caught up until i got hurt at work.

Son - Why are you out of work?

Dad - I have a tear in my shoulder again. I dont know if you remember when I hurt it waterskiing on popops boat years back. I

reinjured it at work at the end of july. I tried n wanted to xplain it to your mom but she never responded.

Son - Oh okay are you going to return to work?

Dad - Im still under dr care. I will rtn just dont know when? Did you know any of what I explained to you?

Son - Yes I know what you told me.

Dad -Id like to come spend with you. I dont want to disrupt your life or cause any problems but me not being in your life is terrible!

I want to see you soon. Either now or I could come next weekend and bring my boat and I could take you fishing?

Son - Um wait you have money to come down here though

Dad - Christmas money from momom and rest of family

Son - oh

Dad - When do you go back to school?

Son - the 3rd

Dad - Is it raining there?

Son - what

Dad - is it raining there?

Son - not hard

Dad - do you have anything going on this weekend?

Son - idk yet. you are going to have to take this up with mom.

Dad - What do you mean? How can I she wont talk to me?

Son - Well then idk

Dad - Have you told her that I want to come down?

Son - ya

Dad - Can you ask her if she is willing to talk to me?

Son - Ya she said she dont want to talk to you

Dad - Well, your my son. I want you to know that I love you. If you ever need me or want to see me I will come running. Take Care, Son, DAD.

Son - okay bye

Dad - One question....Do you want me in your life?

Son - hard to answer

Dad - What do you feel ..... in your heart?

Son - NO

 

Whats a father to do???

[anne1707]

How about phoning instead. Means a hell of a lot more than a text.

[rhonian]

Wont pick up.

[StrangeCanine]

Not much you can do. Give him time and try to let him know you are trying to be there for them.

[shayan]

Time, time, time. And patience, go down and see him if you can. Good luck, you sound like a good father to me. Your son will realize this to but please take care of yourself during this time as well.

[rhonian]

TY. Believe me, I've made my mistakes. If only I could turn back the hands of time. People make decisions that at the time they feel are the best. Leaving my kids was a bad decision and Im paying for it now. I have no influence and have become the outsider over stagnant time. Breaks my heart to think 7 years ago he and I were inseperable! He was at my hip all the time! Crushing...................completely in Gods hands now.

[Trimmer]

How old was he when you left, and now?

[rhonian]

He was 7 when I left.....14 now. 15 in March.

[Trimmer]

Aw man, I'm sorry. I was going to say "that's a tough age", but really, I guess there's no good age.

 

OK, now please understand that I'm not saying this to bust your chops, but I'm just trying to imagine where he's coming from, and it might help you to figure things out if you do the same: this may seem obvious, but I think his standoffishness is his defense against you leaving him again.

 

Especially if you two were well-bonded when he was 7, he probably suffered a significant loss when you left. Don't know if his mother went to great pains to paint a good picture of you, but either way, he's had 7 years to process that loss, and build it into his life.

 

Now, when you come back in, he's probably got a significant barrier built up - whether he's saying it consciously or not, what's going on inside him is essentially "Hell no, you're not doing that to me again..." So it probably makes a lot more sense to him to keep you out than to let you in. When he weighs the pros and cons, he maintains his now-safe status quo by keeping you at arm's length (e.g. saying, when pressed, that he doesn't want you in his life), and probably sees a huge potential downside if he opens up to you: again, from his own very real experience, the risk of you leaving him.

 

Now on the upside, there may be a part of him that still longs for you, for his father in his life. But for now, understand that this voice is probably very small. He's learned to live without you specifically by quieting that voice, that longing, and by strengthening his defenses against needing you. That has become his safe zone. Letting you in now represents risk.

 

So don't expect him to just exchange a few texts with you and then say "oh yeah, I've been waiting for you since you left - come on over and we'll pick up joyously right where we left off..."

 

Now, I realize that I'm sounding pretty gloomy, and I'll repeat: I'm not judging you or beating on you, but I hope it will help you to genuinely consider what his process has been over these years.

 

Having said all that, there may still be that quiet, suppressed need, that little voice that still wants, still needs his father. Can you somehow appeal to that need, carefully, without having his strong defenses lock you out?

 

I don't know. It will be delicate. Just keep a gentle communication with him. If texting works, and if he responds, then use it. It's better than nothing, and teens these days are all about that... So while at first, like Anne up above, I kind of bristled at the fact that you were doing this by text, now after more consideration I think it may be a decent first step, especially if it is comfortable for him - or at least, more comfortable than a phone call or face-to-face meeting.

 

It's seems clear that it will be important that you don't push too hard, too fast. Push him for an answer as to whether he wants you in his life, and what happens? Defenses snap up into place. Don't back him into feeling like you are asking something of him. For now, just offer yourself, gently, in the hopes that you will appeal to that part of him that might still want and need a father, but take care not to stir up the defenses too much.

 

I'm thinking about how much you should acknowledge the facts, circumstances, and feelings around your leaving him - whether that would make sense. Acknowledging his feelings of abandonment might help him to know that you are emapthizing and thinking about how he has felt about all of this, but be careful that this doesn't spill over into you asking him for forgiveness or anything like that - he is probably not anywhere near ready for that, and it will likely just snap his defenses back up again. Make this about you offering to him.

 

Be gentle, be slow, be patient, be open. It can only happen if he allows himself to open up to you, and that's a very small part of him that you will need to handle very carefully.

 

Make it just about you and him - if possible, don't ask him about his mother, what she's doing, or anything that risks having him rise in defense of her, because that's going to be another instinct of his - he will assume she has suffered a loss similar to his, so he will rise in defense of her if you put him in that kind of position.

 

Anyway, I think a lot about kids and divorce and supporting their losses, etc. and these are just some random thoughts for you. I'm definitely not a counselor or therapist or anything - it may help you to go to one and run through your own thoughts, feelings, perspectives, etc. to be sure I'm not leading you astray. You should assume that I'm no more than just some hack on the internet, you know...

 

I've been focusing on your son that you were texting, but in looking back, I see you said "kids" plural. How many, and what are the others' ages? Any contact with the others yet?

Edited December 31, 2010 by Trimmer
assorted tune-ups

[rhonian]

Trimmer, first of all thank you for taking the time to reply to me. What you did was confirm everything that I know for one and what my family has been relaying to me. This is pretty tough and I feel like Iam in the battle of my life. I was reading the texts to my sister to try to get some wisdom from her and consolation. She told me that I might of been coming on too strong to just send him a text about coming to see him after months of not talking to him and not sending anything for Christmas. When I went thru my divorce a few years ago, it was so painful that I just shut down, became numb and callused. I lost the joy of life because that is what they were for me...my joy. He and his sister (I have a daughter, 20) were what I lived for. Iam a family man. Never been into drinking or clubs, none of that wild stuff. I always wanted to have a family. Since my divorce, I keep getting into these relationships looking for what I had but I havent dealt with the divorce and losing my kids yet, if im honest with myself. Its hard because were 1000 miles from each other. I created this problem myself by making some bad decisions and now I need Gods help to intervene and piece my family back together.....

 

Are you sure you are not a doctor, counselor or therapist? After reading your input I was going to ask you where I send the payment for services rendered?

[Trimmer]

Thanks - that's kind of you to say.

 

You seem to be pretty honest with yourself, and you certainly seem to own your decisions and choices. And you're probably right that you're still dealing with your own loss of your family. Even if you had a part in it through your decisions, it still represents a loss and a trauma in your life. I don't know if you consider yourself "not the counseling type" as some folks do, but I spent some very useful time talking through my own situation with a counselor and it helped me a heck of a lot... Think about it if you have any way to do that. You sound honest and open and very raw, and these are all very useful characteristics to bring into a counseling situation to help you start rebuilding.

 

As far as feeling like you're in the battle of your life, I understand, but I encourage you to relax about your kids. Kinda like dogs, you know: don't show your fear.

 

Seriously, though... They are probably stable, they've been processing your absence for a long time, and they are in a groove in their lives by now. I can't guarantee anything one way or the other, but if you approach them with tension or urgency, that will excite those defenses again. Allow it to be a slow process, because it's what will probably work best for them - going slow may be the only way it will work for them. Don't panic. Patience.

 

Keep the message simple and not too demanding or beseeching. The theme is: I'm here, and I will be here when you are ready, however much you are ready for me. Steady, confident (not arrogant, of course...), reliable, in control of yourself and your life.

 

And I am giggling here - at myself - at the "confident, in control of myself and my life" because I'm preaching something I don't always feel myself in reality, but when you're talking to them, you've got to be the father. Play the character, if you need to, for now. Those little voices inside them that want their father will be appraising you to see if you look like the father they want and need.

 

So for example, in your exchange with your son about the CS money and your being out of work, I would be careful to limit the "what would you do" and "do you think I want that?" kind of stuff. I think it was good to explain that you are out of work and why (look at his response: "Oh okay" - it's a little thing, but he accepted your explanation...) but treat it like a problem you will attack and solve. If you really believe you can get things back online, just say that: "I'm working on it, and when I get things going again, things will get back to normal..." or whatever. Own the reality, and move it forward. That looks like a father. (Of course, don't make promises you can't keep - that won't serve you well in the long run. They'll be watching for that, too.)

 

Stay calm. Right now you need to build credibility with them. Establish gradual communication, reiterate the theme that you'll be there when they're ready. Don't push for too much commitment or emotional investment from them. Don't "pry", especially about others in the family, e.g. don't ask your son about his sister or his mom in a way that will make him think you are using him to find out about them. Of course if the subject of one of them comes up, engage him as it applies to him, but keep your interactions with him focused on him. Watch for positive signs (like him accepting your explanation of your injury/work situation), but don't go too crazy trying to read into things.

 

P.S. just out of curiosity - how's the physical recovery coming along? You think you'll be getting back to work soon? Being able to get the child support payments going again, in whatever fashion you can, may also help you establish your credibility with them... How's your motivation there, e.g. physical therapy, etc.? Does the desire to reconnect with your kids give you a spark toward all of that? Can you take that desire and use it to spark some positive motion in your life?

 

OK, gotta sleep. Good luck, man...

Edited December 31, 2010 by Trimmer

[You'reasian]

Wont pick up.

 

Phone again. No texting.

[2010_Sorry]

My heart is breaking for you. My ex-husband went through similar stuff with his son and it was terribly painful for him... and so hard to see happening.

 

It's such a shame that your son knows anything at all about child support. I think that goes to show that your XW hasn't been painting a good picture of you in your absence.

 

As much as this hurts, you have to keep in contact with him. Is there any way that you can move closer?

[lavendera]

It does seem like he is bitter about the lack of child support because that might what he is equating with how much you care about him. You explained to him that you were hurt, not working and not sending payments, but it didn't take him any time at all to realize that you had the money to come and see him while bringing along the boat. All of that says that you have some money. And no Christmas gift? From his father? I think that screams uncaring.

 

I don't think he's going to care whether or not your monetary support to him is going to be credited to your back child support payments. None of that would make a difference in the long run to a boy who has lived half his life without his father. If you were making house payments and they would only take the whole payment or nothing at all, then you could withhold. Not in this instance. Why can't you send the boy something to help him along now. SHOW him that you're doing what you can, rather than text him and tell him a sob story of why you can't. I agree, texting shows so little intimacy and caring in a relationship. It's way too easy to dismiss someone's feelings this way. He has dismissed yours, and you have essentially made his less important. Write him a letter. Pen and paper. Include checks or cash, whatever you can. Teenagers need spending money. Send him a gift for Christmas. it's only a couple of weeks past.

 

He needs to start healing, and you've waited far too long to decide to press the issues you've left him with. A 15 year old boy from a caring, two-parent, stable home is hard enough to deal with at times. You have your work cut out for you. Good luck to you.

[rhonian]

ty lavendera,

 

I call they dont answer. I resorted to texting his older sister if she has a checking account (I was just going to put money into the account), no answer. I will not send money to my ex for them because I dont trust her. Im kinda stuck.....

 

I was waiting for money from Christmas from my family so I could go down there and actually "be" with them and "give" their gifts to them.

 

A letter is prob a good idea....

[lavendera]

You could send money. They're 15 and 20. They know what mail is. TEXT him and her (only excuse for a text) and tell them that there is a letter for them. They'll ask their mother for it. Send the letter certified/signature required so that someone has to sign for it in case she tells them she never saw it. Send packages the same way. Make them something if you don't have the money. Send old pictures of happier times in nice frames.

 

You have a computer and a phone with enabled text. Obviously you have enough money for internet access. They know you are not destitute. Quit making excuses because kids are not stupid.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Honestly, when I read the texts I did get a feeling that you were wanting and trying to get something from your son, on an emotional level. I understand that you love him and that you do regret being far away. As an earlier poster said, though, a 7 year old is going to feel abandoned by his father leaving him. No matter what the circumstances, or your reasons, you are going to have to "prove yourself" to your kids if you want them in your life ... even if you don't feel that's justifiable.

 

My ex husband had such a situation with his own father, and it wreaked havoc on him. Even as an adult, he felt bitterness (which he did not acknowledge) that his dad went far away and then pushed emotional buttons to get in a relationship with my ex. My ex wanted very much to have his dad in his life, but he could not reconcile his dad "leaving" him when he was a young boy with later being expected to "understand" and to make quite a lot of effort to have a relationship with the "abandoner."

 

Now, that very same ex husband is acting a lot like his own dad did to him to OUR adult daughter.

 

It's painful.

 

Anyway, here are my suggestions:

 

NEVER, ever miss sending a birthday and Christmas card and gift, even if small, to both of your children. Even if they don't acknowledge it.

 

NEVER use your own financial circumstances as and explanation / excuse as to why you don't see your kids, pay child support, etc. Especially when they know you have a boat & stuff. It will just make already angry young people feel more unimportant, and think more poorly of YOU.

 

Of course you are a person and you need emotional support about your feelings for your kids, but don't look to them for it AT ALL.

 

If I were in your shoes, I would just find out when your son is off of school (probably too late now since the Christmas holidays are over) and get to where he lives, and make it well known that you are there FOR HIM and you are ready to spend time with him at HIS convenience. Your daughter too. Be ready for them to "teach you a lesson" by not having / making time to see you. And be ready to do it AGAIN as soon as you can - which should not be too long in the future as you're not working.

 

It would be wonderful if you could rebuild something with your son. He is at an age where having a relationship with his father could be of great help to him.

 

I don't know the circumstances of your divorce, but don't expect your ex wife to be of help facilitating the relations between you and your kids, especially since your absence has been long and you have not been paying child support. If there is any way of mending your relationship with her, and opening communication between you, it would help you.

 

Good luck. I'm sorry for your unhappiness. Broken families are very painful.

[Goldenspoon]

Based on the text, it seems to me that YOU want something (emotional) FROM him, instead of being there or giving him something. You, being a TAKER is in full force and he can see right through it.

 

When was the last time you saw him? Why did you divorce his mom and left the family by moving 1000 miles away?

 

It also seems to me that in the past few years, you have spent alot of your time and energy on other women. Again, you prioritize YOU over him. But, now, you need the son-love and you just expect him to welcome you with open arms? Seriously?

[Spark1111]

I think many of the posters have given you both good advice and a lot to think about.

 

Making ammends is never easy but can be accomplished one small step at a time.

 

Your children may want to love you, but are afraid to right now because they feel they cannot rely on you, therefore they do not trust you and do not feel safe with you.

 

You can change this by being consistent with your time, your interest in their lives and your financial support arriving EXACTLY when it is suppose to.

 

They live everyday with their mother who has probably experienced a lot of fear and or anger having to raise them without your support. That is a lot for you to overcome but not impossible.

 

It's up to you.

 

I understand you are injured and out of work, but the best plan to reconcile with your children will take actions.....forming a plan to do what needs to be done to get those child support payments to their mom and to acknowledge every milesone in their lives, plus holidays and birthdays....CONSISTENTLY and over time.

 

When they feel safe again, because your actions will be matching your declarations of love for them, they will give you another chance to enter their lives, but maybe not immediately.

 

How patient can you be in all this? Because children absolutely want to love and forgive a parent when they feel they can trust him once again.

 

You have been away a long time and I sense their mother has struggled without your financial support, something they have lived with every day.

 

This is going to take some time, if you are consistent.

 

Good luck to you.

[Allisha]

Any updates?

 

I get a feeling his ex poisoned his son against him while he was gone. Of course, he's 14 and has a mind of his own, but I just have a feeling..