Jump to content

inlaws not playing nice


1fitmimi

Recommended Posts

Not sure how to make this a short story, here is my try.

My father in law of 4 years is turning 80 next month. His wife and two of their 3 children are planning the party. My husband has been excluded from the planning and now from the party. The main reason it because he asked they take his ex's name off the invite list. (they have been divorced 12 years)

In those 12 years they keep including her in family events. She has often been the only person that isn't immediate family or currently married into the family.

This has became an issue in the past. Where she was invited to MY and our granddaughter birthday celebration, not the big party but just a small family gathering. She was the only one NOT a "smith". I am sorry, she and I do get along socially but I did NOT want to celebrate MY birthday with her, told his family this and my husband and I did not attend. After things calmed down I simply told my mother in law that she has one son that is married and she can only have ONE daughter in law. That if it is a "family" event and she is invited I will NOT be there. That was over 2 years ago and there haven't been any issues until now.

Janurary MIL told me her children wanted to throw an 80th party for FIL. I asked my husband, thinking this will be fun. He knew nothing. Then I kept asking how I can help etc.

Well two weeks ago, my husband and I finally got a look at the guest list. We were asked for a few addresses that they didn't have. My husband wanted to make a few suggestions of people that have been friends with his dad over the years. Whose name do I see, my husbands ex. Then who do I not see, my two sons. I left the house, without saying a word. My husband addressed it, and ended up being asked to leave, and him and his mother haven't spoke since.

They told his kids the party was cancelled that night. They didn't show up for the dinner we had planned all day, didnt' even say they weren't coming just didn't show.

We have since found out the party is on. I'm thinking they will tell him at last minute that it is on, in an effort to exclude him from any input. I told my husband to do what he wants but I will not be able to attend should we end up being invited. I told him I would talk to his father and explain if needed but I can not be a part of the event.

Am I being foolish? Am I totally off base? need opinions please

Link to post
Share on other sites

I get that it's your current husband's ex-wife.

 

But at the end of the day, it's that you're trying to control who his birth family maintains close relationships with. That's not even up to your husband, to decide (dictate) who his parents and/or siblings like and with whom they "can" or "should" socialize and celebrate.

 

Since they know how you feel, they ought not have invited her to YOUR birthday celebration. But a dozen wrongs still don't add up to one right.

 

I think maybe. Focus on your feelings for your FiL, keep in mind your strong, loving, happy marriage, hold some compassion for your husband, see if you can muster up any understanding, and forgiveness if that feels necessary, for your in-laws -- and THEN decide how you want to carry on with the rest of your life.

 

Clearly your in-laws are in your life to stay...maybe it's time for you to accept them WITH all their shortcomings and weaknesses...and the other people they care about? Those people, whoever they may be, are not a threat to you or your happy, loving, strong marriage. Are they?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Ronnie I do appreciate your input. I can understand how you could have come to your conclussion based on the post I made. Your response did set me back a bit to be honest. It actaully made me cry. I was in a controlling marriage for nearly 20 years, it took every ounce of strength in me to get out of that bad situation. I don't see my statement to the inlaws as trying to control them at all. I see it as me setting a boundry for myself. There is a whole lot more going on with my inlaws then I reveiled. I do think you totally overlooked that they are excluding my husband in any of the planning. His brother and sister are controlling the invite list. Anyone they don't like for any reason are NOT invited. The three names my husband tried to add were removed do to excuses they came up with. I haven't said anything about the list. It was years ago that I said I would not attend family events that my husband ex is invited to. It is a family event and yet my own children aren't invited. Think about all of that please before you call me controlling. I simply set a boundry for myself. They choose who they wanted to invite. It is tearing my husband up that they have chose to include her. (background, his parents have thrown her birthday parties since they have been divorced, me nada) Funny thing is they tell people they love me. LOL I think actions speak louder then words.

Ok rant mode off.

thanks again for a different point of view

Link to post
Share on other sites

I was thinking , hey they are 80...hold your breath and be gracious until they are gone UNTIL

 

They excluded your children???

 

No. They would be dead to me, the whole family if they exluded my daughter from such a list. Myself , fine ...but do not , do not, go there.

Link to post
Share on other sites

mimi,

I'm sorry that you were upset by my post. Hopefully you at least felt a bit better after the rant (?) :)

 

I suspected that there must be more to the story when I read that your children (your husband's step-kids and their step-grandkids, for all intents and purposes) had been excluded from the upcoming celebration. And I got that your in-laws have not demonstrated sensitivity or caring for your wants or feelings. And that there is obvious distance between your husband and his parents and siblings.

 

I am also suspecting that there are no innocent parties (except the children) and plenty of injured ones (including the children.)

 

Nothing's going to change until one brave soul steps up and starts to do his or her part differently, I guess is the truth of it. Until then, it's going to be like this. Sad and hurtful as it may be for one and all involved.

 

Hugs.

Edited by Ronni_W
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

There is alot more to the story, after the invite list confrontation we were told thru my stepdaughter that the party was off. Husband and I have found out that isn't true.

Also we live nextdoor to his parents. Husband and his dad work the family business together. And his sister does have job, she is a school teacher, which I admire, but she is helpless without her mother. I have witnessed her mom going to her house to watch niece so SIL could shower. niece was 5 at the time.

Ok I gotta get past this, no way I could tell all the crazy stuff, just trying to give a bit of insite into the basic family structure.

Link to post
Share on other sites
troggleputty
There is alot more to the story, after the invite list confrontation we were told thru my stepdaughter that the party was off. Husband and I have found out that isn't true.

Also we live nextdoor to his parents. Husband and his dad work the family business together. And his sister does have job, she is a school teacher, which I admire, but she is helpless without her mother. I have witnessed her mom going to her house to watch niece so SIL could shower. niece was 5 at the time.

Ok I gotta get past this, no way I could tell all the crazy stuff, just trying to give a bit of insite into the basic family structure.

 

Mimi, Ronnie has "issues" (i.e. she's been involved in infidelity) so her ideas about what is and is not appropriate concerning setting of boundaries is not something you need to take seriously.

 

It's shameful actually that her criticism made you cry.

 

A lot of the people with infidelity issues on this website seem to take joy in others' misery as long as they can justify their own attitudes in some manner.

 

In any event mimi your in laws have a screw loose.

 

Of course they should not be inviting your H's ex-wife to family events if it bothers you.

 

That's a no brainer IMO.

 

Don't let folks like Ronnie (or your in laws for that matter) put a guilt trip on you just because they might be psychologically troubled.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Mimi, Ronnie has "issues" (i.e. she's been involved in infidelity)

tp,

You're confusing me with a different LSer...or you've completely misinterpreted one or more of my posts. No prob, though -- I forgive you.

Don't let folks like Ronnie...put a guilt trip on you just because they might be psychologically troubled.

You might be right on that one but I'll have to get back to you...I'm still waiting to get back the assessment results :laugh:

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I know when I posted my fustrations to an open forum like this one I would get all types of responses. That is what would happen in the real world. Eveyone's post does warrent some value, even if it is hard to hear. I bet in the community where I live many if not all of the same opinions will exist. This is just someting I can't talk about in my commuity, due to the nature of it. I do appreciate all feed back.

 

I know there will be those that would view my inlaws as a bit off, but I also know there will be those that view me as being a bit controlling, not knowing the whole situation.

 

If nothing else the replies will prepare me for reactions that may happen when I don't show up that the birthday party. As of right this minute I do NOT plan on attending. (guess i'm not really invited am I?) If things shoudl change and at the last minute they let us know the party is on, I have already decided to not attend and I will discuss my reason with my FIL, no one else.

 

I learned long time ago to not go where I'm not wanted and it has been made clear I am not wanted at this important party.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

this weekend my husband said he had heard that his ex was taken off the invite list. I remarked, "why would I believe that, we were told the party was cancelled too." and I don't regret that at all.

 

Granddaughter was singing at church today. We went to hear and I fulled expected the ex to be there as she should, it is her granddaughter too. what i didn't expect his his mother to totally ignore her son and myself. Then to sit next to her ex DIL. The ex wasn't sitting with her children but with his mother. Actions speak so much louder then words.

 

I do know my place and it isn't in that family obviously.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't think it's awful that your in-laws want to keep a relationship with their former DIL. She is connected through the grandkids- and I see nothing wrong with keeping a healthy connection intact.

 

Just because your H's relationship didn't work out with her doesn't negate all the family history she was involved in with the entire family. She is still the mother of his children, of their grandchildren, and she's going to be connected no matter what.

 

Granted, that doesn't mean it's going to be comfortable or you have to like it. I certainly understand why it would bother you- but I also understand why the family would want to remain on friendly terms with the mother of their grandkids.

 

I've seen many families blend in such a way that ex's and new wive's mix because there are kids involved. Not always comfortable, but it is what it is.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I am sure there is a lot more to the story, but the ex is the mother of the grandchildren. To expect her to never have any contact, or just disappear, is ridiculous.

 

But again, I am sure that there is more to it.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Yes she is the grandmother of the grandchildren. I am only the step grandmother. I fully understand that. If it is a grandchild activity I fully expect her to be there and would be disappointed if she weren't. If the "family" events were to include all grandparents from all sides then i would be ok, but when she is the only one of the other grandparents included it isn't right. She isn't a member of the family hence the word "ex". duh!

Link to post
Share on other sites
BlackLovely

Nobody should ever listen to troggleputty. She loves to insult people who don't agree with her. She also likes to declare that others have "issues". Methinks troggleputty has some issues herself. :lmao: Troggleputty, do you think that you're perfect? I can tell from some of your posts that you are illiterate.

I'm sorry that one of the responses made you weep. Perhaps you might want to refrain from allowing strangers affect you so deeply. You can't please everyone, babes. *hugs*

I don't think that you're being controlling at all. I think that your in-laws are being insensitive and mean spirited. They need to be aware that you are the wife now, not the ex! Not inviting your children is a bold statement that says the ex is more of a family member than you are. I wouldn't bother with them.

Link to post
Share on other sites

OP, you and your husband are a social unit and you have a reasonable expectation that your sons be included in large family events. Your husband's family has not reached out to you and you have a right to feel slighted.

 

The only way to remedy this is to see if you can make friends with individual family members. Let this whole thing slide, and see if you can have his siblings and parents over for dinner separately to try to build a relationship with them.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Yes she is the grandmother of the grandchildren. I am only the step grandmother. I fully understand that. If it is a grandchild activity I fully expect her to be there and would be disappointed if she weren't. If the "family" events were to include all grandparents from all sides then i would be ok, but when she is the only one of the other grandparents included it isn't right. She isn't a member of the family hence the word "ex". duh!

 

 

No need to be snotty about it. No one said that you were "only" the step grandmother, as if you don't matter. Of course you matter.

 

I don't blame you for being upset that your children are not invited. I think that your inlaws are being really rude. Not for allowing the Ex to attend functions, but for not being nice to you.

 

I have been married for 19 yrs and we have 3 children. If my husband were to up and divorce me, and get a new wife, I am supposed to have nothing to do with my former inlaws, ever again? I am erased, deleted, just because he chose to remarry? Just like that? I have a history with these people. Quite a few of them have become my "family". The same with DH and my family. If I divorce him, they should just forget he ever existed?

 

In my husband's family, my SIL's ex is welcome to come to family gatherings, as is the ex of our niece. The new spouses don't care. When my FIL died, ex spouses of the few who have divorced, came to the funeral.

 

In my family, my dad came to Christmas gatherings at my mom's house for years after their divorce, even after Mom remarried. In fact, my DAD was a pallbearer at my stepdad's funeral. They were actually good friends. Mom helped Dad make his final will and testament, before he died.

 

I guess we are all weirdos.

Edited by DaisyLeigh
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...