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a simple question of response


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Hi everyone!!

 

I haven't had the chance to spend much time on here since school let out. It's been work, work, work.. And sleep 101. Anyway, I have one question for anyone whom reads this forum.

 

I recently had a huge but yet estatic** (bad & good) conversation with my parents about one thing to thee other. The basic jist of the whole matter was that I was holding back a lot of things.. towards them.. where I wasn't sure what/how they would take it.. Ie:: treating me as if I'm 10 rather than 20. Not allowing me to do things as 20 year olds should do.. It was just the simple stuff that should be taken for granted at my level (age) that my parents have for some reason not been able to let go of the 'apron strings' so to speak.

 

I was wondering if anyone has ever been in my situation.. where after you said what you've needed/had to say.. there comes a period of stopage.. in that if feels as though 'you' are the bad person.. where you only wanted to make ease in the light of clearage??

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man, you're actually pretty lucky to be going through this at 20 - tho i know it doesn't feel at all lucky! this is a really loooong post, but i just identify so much and wanted to share my expeirence.

 

last year, when i was 26 (!) i went to visit my parents and friends. i spent the night at a friend's, and i had to call my mom and leave her the number. she called my friend's house 3 times the next morning to make sure i was coming back - it was just crazy and i was totally mortified - this is one of many, many, many such incidents, but this one just made me so angry i had to change things.

 

i guess it would make sense if i was more wild, and i have stayed out all night a few times, but NOTHING that would warrant this behaviour - ive held own 2 jobs since i was 17, i'm calm and usually logical, i take it easy on liquor and stuff, and i have nice, smart, friends. really, the problem was that i just wanted to please so badly i was letting her do this to me.

 

i was *really* angry about it for about 7 months before i talked to a counsellor and here is the letter that he guided me to write. after working through this, and changing my OWN behaviour, things are a lot better now, some restrictive stuff still happens, but i know what to do now.

 

ok, here is letter - sorry so long, but if it helps at all its totally worth the exposure. :o

 

My counselor thought creating this prepared statement might be the best way to address this problem in order to remain clear, firm, and rational – it is the kind of statement I understand. The most important element here is that this situation is essentially my problem, and I need to change myself.

 

Item 1. I feel hurt and angry by what I perceive to be my mother’s rejection of myself as a female adult. While a certain amount of controlling behavior is reasonable before a child is 19, (or the age of adulthood within a given culture or society) it is objectively neither reasonable nor usual after a child is an adult. Specifically, I do not perceive, nor do most schools of western cultural thought perceive, the following behavior to be rational and acceptable from a parent to an adult child: insisting on knowing about the phone numbers, locations, intent, activities, names, or emotions about the child’s outside social life; crying and collapsing at the absence of this knowledge; interfering in the child’s life by placing herself emotionally or psychologically at any scene outside domesticity; discouraging the child from any activity that would reaffirm independence – i.e. driving, seeing friends, visiting the city, etc, on his or her own.

 

Item 2. I perceive this behavior to be gendered. I base this perception on the fact that this behavior is consistently observable and predictable and varies with gender – when I am with a masculine primary partner the behavior is noticeably and consistently less controlling, as t is with my brother. She would disagree with this statement, and she has a right to disagree, but I trust my perceptions. I trust this perception to be essentially true from the time I was 19 until now – although my behavior has not always been functional, her actions are not a result of my feminine deficiencies – they happened and continued even when I was fully happy and functional. Moreover, when a man is accompanying me there is no insistence on location, no embarrassing phone calls, and no uncontrolled hysteria.

 

Item 3. I do not feel safe with my mother because I feel that she can not respect my boundaries nor listen to how unhappy I am made by this treatment. This insecurity (of mine) has hindered and continues to hinder my ability to form homosocial relationships and subconsciously severely restricts any desire I might have to have children of my own. This is my problem, not hers, and it can only be resolved by a firm, clear, resolution on my part to reject controlling behaviour (not supplying phone numbers, use own $$$, finding my own rides, etc) and imagine motherhood as something that will fulfill me as a person rather than cause intense mental anguish and the desire to control and disable.

 

Obstacles for resolution: I am invested in a construction of myself as a reasonable, sensitive, and essentially placating member of the family that soothes conflict. I am invested in my father’s construction of myself as a kind girl who does not want to hurt my mother nor inadvertently hurt him by causing my mother to stay up all night worrying and crying. I love my parents very much. I know them very well. It hurts me and worries me to cause them pain or anxiety.

 

Resolution: I do not cause this behaviour. This behaviour is caused by her difficulties and her gender issues and she has a right to her emotions and perceptions. I can not change this nor should I want to. I am responsible for this action alone: I can no longer in any way enable this treatment, even at the expense of my favoured daughter-construction. I can no longer supply information and ergo participate in this cycle of treatment. It – harms – me to do so; it enables my repressed rage and further dysfunctional behaviour on my part; these are my problems alone; and I have a right to feel that I am responsible to break this cycle. I have a right to my feelings. I have a right to reject this treatment and know that I still love my mom very very much.

 

 

I should not visit without caution, no matter how much I want to see my parents, until I understand that eschewing all friends or independent activity while visiting home because I feel my mother will either not approve or I fear she will intrude and manipulate, is not normal in our culture and it cannot continue. This behavior hurts me and I must change my reaction to it. Depression and seclusion are not good strategies for me. I have a right to a separate life. I have a right to feel that I am not constantly in danger, either physical or moral, if I am not accompanied by a male. I am not responsible for what I perceive to be my mother’s lack of outside interests. Finally: I have a fundamental right to privacy; and I have a right to protect this privacy.

 

 

that's it - best of luck with it all, please let me know what you end up doing...

jenny

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Welcome fellow Jersey (Joisey) member!

 

I was once in your situation. I'm a 20 year old male, turning 21 soon. When I turned 18, I let my parents know that I was an adult. Basically, I had to keep doing my own thing and keep reminding them that I'm an adult. This whole reminding process along with showing your parents that you take on adult responsibilities will make them treat you as an adult.

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Thanks Jenny for your long, but yet primitive response to my question. I'll let you know what/how things *hopefully* work out for me in the upcoming months,etc.

 

Thanks Bill for your adult-like response to my question as well.

 

Enjoy your weekend.. And I'll be in touch.. Thankfully the sun has decided to stay out thus far today!!! :)

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I kind of know how you feel....my grandmother had a big hand in raising me, and she continued to treat me as if I was a child (I am now 20) like telling me what I should and shouldn't do and stuff like that.

 

I moved out of the house to go to college, and it finally semi-stopped. And now that I have gotten married and have my own house, it has stopped completely and I am not being treated like an adult.

 

So here's your solution - just move out. Get a place of your own (not near your parents) and that's the only way it will stop. If you can't afford a place of your own, then get a place with one of your good friends. I mean if you are 20, it's about time you moved out of the rent's house. You should if you want to be treated like an adult. THink about it.

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Thanks, Nurse_Jamie for your insights/views on my latest obstacle(s). MOVING OUT is one thing which I have seriously considered and put initiative,etc. with research etc. We'll see, I guess. Have an awesome day!! :)

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Im going through the same situation right now....

 

Im 22 and still in college, living at home with my mom. She treats me like Im 12. If I want to go anywhere, she has to know who with and leave the number. I just went on a week long vacation and she bitched because I didnt call to check in everyday.

 

I dont get her behavior, Im an adult. Ive never did any kind of drugs. I dont drink often and when I do I stay where Im at (NO DRIVING). Im the only responsible one of her kids and my mom treats me like Im a child. She says she trusts me and that Im the only one of her kids that she doesnt have to worry about, but her actions are so much louder then her words.

 

Some people have told me it s because Im the only girl and Im the baby, but I dont buy it. I wish I could move out but like I said, Im still in college and I also just lost my job so I cant afford an apt right now.

 

(Ohh and I just started seeing this guy recently so if everything works out I might be moving in with him ***wink wink***. I just dont want to move too fast)

 

Any suggestions?

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Bianca,

 

I think that you should think long and hard before you move out of your controlling mother's home and into the home of your boyfriend.

 

You would be making a much stronger start on your adult journey to first spend some time in the world on your own, finding yourself and establishing some economic and emotional independence before moving in with bf.

 

Sorry but I have a head cold today, can't be my normally harping and judgmental self on this issue (actually you are probably lucky for this). But maybe others can join this thread and spell out some very good reasons that you should move out on your own first and establish yourself -- before you move in with bf.

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If you move out on your own, establish yourself before moving in with your bf. You will gain confidence and higher self-esteem that you made it on your own. Moving in with bf may complicate life sometimes when things are not so smooth. Your parents will be more at ease too.

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Thanks for providing me with some of your 411 medicine of what you're going through on your end of the ladder.

 

In terms of your boyfriend/move in business.. I say go for it... if you feel you both can trust each other, etc. where he/you won't have to be the one stuck with all the bills,etc. each month. If you know what I mean.. GOOD LUCK!!!

 

Catch ya later,

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why are some families so reluctant to live their kids live on their own? my parents would like me to live at home until i get married. this ain't happening for sure, but i'm not sure why they'd prefer it that way at all... it seems they see no benefits of living alone. *shrug*

 

good luck to you move-outers!

-yes

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