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Idle Tom

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My mother just left me a letter a couple of minutes ago about how bad this family works.. I am a bit dumbstruck since I didnt see this coming.

I'm in my early twenties and study animation, so naturally I spend more time in my room and in front of the computer than I would like. Apparently my mother has been more affected by this than I would have imagined.

 

The letter says something about how she's tired of trying to help me and has given up.

 

I'm not very good with emotions when it comes to my parents, my friends were always where my secrets and such went.

So now I'm confused and not to mention frightened, I'm not sure what this means, let alone what to do.. Should I try to explain that I need to spend time with my computer for my education? Something tells me that's not a good idea...

Right now I want to go to bed and forget about the whole thing, something tells me that that's an even worse idea..

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A family is a unit so if your mother has written about how bad the family works, she is part of the dysfunction.

 

Why don't you insist that the entire family sit down together and figure out just what it will take for it to work a bit better. Perhaps you ought to ask different family members for their opinion since right now you only have your mother's.

 

Sitting down and talking things out will be very helpful. Some effort put forth by each member of the family to be more supportive, communicative, responsive and interactive in the context of the family would be a positive thing as well.

 

Your post is quite vague but I hope the above suggestions will be helpful in any case. It would have been helpful to know just how and why your mother felt the family is not working well.

 

If one of the reasons there is family dysfunction is due to poor communication, sitting down together to discuss the matter will be a great first step.

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I agree that my post is very vague, to be quite honest I'm having some trouble focusing at the moment (I misspelled the url for this site 4 times when I tired getting here).

 

Right now my parents are arguing upstairs, I'm hearing feet stomping and hands slamming into tables, so its probably not a good time to go up there..

 

Other family members arent exactly readily available as my siblings live away from home, let alone I dont think they would have an opinion on it because they dont get the chance to come over that often. It's pretty much me and my parents in this house

 

Generally it seems that my mother is under the impression that I just sit in my room and do nothing, which isn't true as I study via my computer. I've explained this to her before, but it doesnt seem to have any effect (I think she thinks I'm lying).

 

I absolutely agree that we need to communicate more, but I'm just not sure as to what I'm going to say.

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You are in your early twenties? Maybe you should move out of the house.

 

Aside from that, letters and email do not cut it when it comes to relationships. Face to face communication is key. Your mom writing you a letter is horrible. She should have sat you down and talked to you.

 

Counseling might be the way to go. It'll force your family to sit down all together and talk in a productive manner.

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Moving out is sorta hard at the moment, as I'm still studying (which is where all my money goes) and I live in the middle of the city so it's hard finding a resonably cheap apartment. I have considered it though. (It isn't very common to move out at this age here, most people will usually move out in their early 30's or so)

 

Usually I work about 4 hours a day, study for 6, and spend the rest of the day doing lazy stuff like watching tv or hang out with my friends. They are pretty rough figures since both my work and school is "finished when I'm done with whatever I'm supposed to do".

 

So from my mother's perspective, I can see how it looks like I come home and stay in my room all day.

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Ok, I just tried having a chat with her and now I'm more frustrated than worried.

 

It's as if shes on a mission to make me feel guilty. She tells me how lazy I am in a certain area (ex. school), and I say that I work hard with school, but she might not notice because it's not very "visible". Instead of saying "ok" she will throw something else at me. She told me how lazy my dad was, how he just read the newspaper and didnt spend time with her. How can I help that?

I'm also getting the blame for the bank withdrawing more money than they should (Something I'm in the process of sorting, but it's taking time because they aren't being cooperative), and she brings up old problems like me flunking classes over 6 or 7 years ago. She also says I need to get out more as I apparently have no friends according to her (Did she just call me a loser?)

I tried talking more to her, but my last words hit her back on the way out of the room.

 

I have absolutely no idea what to make of this.. Is she just frustrated? Is she more afraid of communication than I am?

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It sounds like she is upset with her life and is taking it out on you. It sounds like you are doing well in school. Few people study everyday.

 

Your dad being "lazy" and "not spending time with her" does not concern you. She needs to work this out with your father and not you.

 

How is the bank problem your fault? She needs to get up and work that out with the bank, not you.

 

She told you to make more friends and go out more? You said you hung out with friends. As far as getting out more, maybe do some studying at the library instead of at home and hang out more at your friends places.

 

If you can't sit down and talk this thing through with your mom, you might try taking her advice and getting out more. Getting out more simply just to avoid her. The library, friends' houses, coffee shops and the park are great places to go to avoid people.

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OK .... this is how I see this situation... of course, I'm not there and living it with you, and I may not be right ... but it's just my observance.

 

I feel that your Mom is unhappy with her life .. perhaps her marriage, and is going to you for her unhappiness and frustration. All though this is NOT right ..... it's probably all she knows. She may be depressed also ..... so consider that. When folks are depressed they don't have the actualy physical energy to get up and change their situations .... until it gets so far they can't deal with themselves anymore. Have patience with her on that point, it will serve you well in the future .... when you run into other folks who are dealing with depression or other areas of their lives that are bringing them down.

 

NOW .... I raised 2 sons ... and all though I understand you wanting to work hard on your education, you never mentioned helping with anything around the house .... do you? You need to pitch in and help with dishes, or making a meal once in a while, or if there are any chores that might need doing .... that your father doesn't have time for.... or just to contribute for the ease of living there rent free and for meals and laundry.

 

OH and yes .... sorry, but most folks leave the house in their

30's? Where do you live? At that age, you'd better be working full time and paying me rent .... if you're living with ME! LOL!!

 

I believe there are several things going on here .... one is that your family needs better communication .... and yes counseling is good IF they'll go! But also I feel your parent's marriage is going thru some rough times ..... so hang in there with that .... I know it's hard ... and that isn't YOUR problem ... but be as patient and kind with them as you can ... trust me when I say this from personal experience ..... you only have ONE set of parents .... and all though at this age, it seems they'll be there forever, they won't. :mad:

 

If you'd like to talk more, feel free to e-mail me, my sons always said I was great at listening and had a very open mind. :)

 

Hugs,

Dee

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