In Law issue

[Mz. Pixie]

Okay, I'm in my second marriage. Hubby was married before and his wife cheated-getting pregnant by OM before the divorce was final.

 

They have one child- my stepson.

 

When they split up hubby had to work a second job in order to keep his house. He let his mother take up the slack in the childcare area. Stepson has some health problems- and has like no immunity to anything. He has to go to the dr. several times a month.

 

Exwife married OM and they have had some more kids.

 

My MIL has always done for my stepson- and my husband has let her control the situation. My MIL is the sweetest person you could ever meet and she truly doesn't have a mean bone in her body. Her and my FIL have been so good to us- including my children. Anytime stepson is sick she insists upon taking him the dr etc. Ex wife has almost no responsibility. Financially either. I do fault my husband for letting the two of them control everything with my stepson. It's partly his fault we're in this situation.

 

But she has this weird relationship with the XW. Now it would be different if they were best friends before I came on the scene. They talk on the phone several times a day. She says she does all of this for stepson. That's just simply not true.

 

She really dislikes XW and makes comments about her all the time. But she's all up in their business. I have to constantly hear about their life and what they are doing. MIL does all kinds of things for XW all the time and XW is never appreciative of what she does. Never gives her a card or a gift- nothing.

 

My husband has told her in the past how much he dislikes the whole dynamic and it's done nothing to slow it down.

 

Two weeks ago XW and OM were looking for a house. MIL went to look at houses with them WTF? Just this week she was helping them move some stuff in to the new home.

 

I feel so disrespected by the whole situation. I've dismissed it thus far because I know her heart is in the right place. She thinks if she keeps a good relationship with her it will make things go smoother. I don't mind them talking or the things that go one with stepson- but looking at houses with them??

 

XW has alot on her plate. She's going to school to get her masters- has three kids and one on the way- and just moved. She's an okay mom but lately has been a bit verbally abusive towards my stepson- which is unacceptable to me.

 

My husband got very upset that she helped them move some stuff. He called her and said that XW chose not to be in the family by leaving and it's frustrating that MIL treats the ex wife like she does.

 

MIL is someone who hates conflict. She normally phones me once or twice a day. Since this happened she hasn't called me once. I've called her once.

 

So tonight I call her and tell her that I just want to clear the air- that I never asked him to call her and say those things but yes it made me feel disrespected. She just kept saying but there is a child involved. Yes, we know but that doesn't mean you have to pick up her dry cleaning and make her bank deposits for her! (I'm being serious).

 

I"m at the end of my rope with this- all of my friends say there is no way that they would put up with that crap. I had no idea the situation was this bad until after we were married.

 

I just think she doesn't get it or doesn't care.

 

Any suggestions?

[TaraMaiden]

I'm sorry, am I the only one who thinks you are being blinkered and selfish?

 

I would say that your MiL is doing exactly the right thing.

And I believe her motives.

 

you know why?

Because my mother does exactly the same thing with my ex- and my brother's ex-.

Keeps in touch because there are grandchildren involved.

Smooths the waters and maintains good relations, because what is important is blood -ties to her.

 

I may disagree with her decisions, but I can fully equate with her motives, and find it both strong of her and honourable that she does this.

 

Is she neglectful of you?

It didn't seem like it before your H opened his big yap and made you sound like the jealous one.

People of that generation value the young in their family.

She has every right to stay in touch with whomever she wants, for whatever reasons.

 

You have no right to tell her - or to demand - that she sever ties.

The woman may be an ex - but her grandchild will always be her grandchild.

Instead of trying to block that, you should encourage it, and commend her efforts.

 

And cultivate a good relationship with both her and your stepson.

 

Sorry - I think you need to get over it.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Ms Pixie,

 

I understand completely how you and your H must feel about this but you're viewing it from a personal perspective. A wpman like this would be terribly hurt for her son and grandson but she's doing the "right" thing regardless. This is about HER and what she perceives as her obligations. I imagine no thanks doesn't bother her nearly as much as being asked to choose between what makes her so special (serving her family) and keeping you and her son happy.

 

She has put her own feelings on the back burner to ensure peace in her family. I think the best gift that you and H could give her is understanding and unconditional acceptance. Her motives seem quite clear and direct. Certainly we as moms must perform triage to do what's in the best intrest of the family unit, even if that means someone might be disappointed. She sounds like a selfless giving person. Try to support her in that rather than create a can't win environment for her. I imagine someone like her would appreciate that more than life itself.

[Mz. Pixie]

I get where you guys are going with this I truly do. We're not asking her to choose or sever ties- as a matter of fact I don't have a problem with them communicating where it comes to my stepson. At all. I have a pretty cordial relationship with XW myself. And I get along very well with my kid's own stepmom- because we were friends for years before she married my X.

 

I've gotten past this situation for over four years by telling myself that her motives are pure.

 

But some of the things that she does has nothing to do with their relationship over stepson. Such as dropping off her dry cleaning, bringing her dinner when she's working,

looking at houses. A couple of years ago my stepson had to have major surgery. I took off work two days so that I could take rotation with MIL and XW. We were waiting on her to show up one day- and she'd gone to the freaking tanning bed before she came to the hospital to see her very ill child.

 

MIL is a conflict avoider. Recently XW has been verbally abusive towards my stepson. Called him a jack*** at least twice. That's verbal abuse IMO. It makes me sick to think that she is mistreating my stepson in that manner and MIL is still kissing her behind.

 

She is more mad that we told her how we feel than she is at XW for verbally abusing stepson- which makes no sense to me at all.

 

Sure she's a grown woman and she can do whatever it is she wants to do. I'm not demanding that she stop communicating with her but she left this family- of her own choosing so why should she still reap the benefits??? I told her that I couldn't tell her what to do but just as she has that right I have the right to be hurt if that is how I'm feeling.

 

There just needs to be some boundaries.

[TaraMaiden]

Ok....

I get it more now....

I'm sorry I appeared to be jumping down your throat, and I actually appreciate you came back so calmly and outlined the matter further....

 

it's difficult then, to know exactly what to say.

I think your husband needs to grow a pair, for a start and confront his mother - whether she's a conflict avoider or not....But it's easier for her to be mad at the people closest to her, than to be mad at someone who could cause her emotional damage through being confronted....

Don't we always take more liberties with those closest to us? "We always hurt the one we love"...?

 

if she's a conflict avoider, how could you and your H join forces to talk with her in such a way as to be gentle, but outline to her what is and is not acceptable to you?

 

It's a toughie though....

How old is she, BTW?

[tinktronik]

The ExW did not leave the family, she left your husband. She will forever be a part of the family tied in through the child. It sounds to me like I have a very similar relationship with my ex MIL. We were at odds when I was married to her son as she felt he deserved the world and could not see behind the closed doors of our home. Now that we are divorced we talk regularly, and she sees the relationship between me and other members of her family that we have in common and all love. This makes me her family to her period and the attention is on the children involved.

 

You may not like the ExW, but she was and is a part of your family as well. If you are uncomfortable with the way your stepsons mom is talking to him ask your H talk with her. STAY OUT OF IT. Focus on what YOU can do to make it all smoother.

[Mz. Pixie]

Ok....

I get it more now....

I'm sorry I appeared to be jumping down your throat, and I actually appreciate you came back so calmly and outlined the matter further....

 

it's difficult then, to know exactly what to say.

I think your husband needs to grow a pair, for a start and confront his mother - whether she's a conflict avoider or not....But it's easier for her to be mad at the people closest to her, than to be mad at someone who could cause her emotional damage through being confronted....

Don't we always take more liberties with those closest to us? "We always hurt the one we love"...?

 

if she's a conflict avoider, how could you and your H join forces to talk with her in such a way as to be gentle, but outline to her what is and is not acceptable to you?

 

It's a toughie though....

How old is she, BTW?

 

She's in her 60's and very active.

 

This whole silent treatment has been because he confronted her. He wasn't ugly or raising his voice- just talked to her very calmly. Told her that it hurt his feelings and made the both of us feel disrespected.

 

I even called her Saturday night to try to clear the air between us. She barely spoke on her end of the convo. I kept it short and just wanted to let her know that I didn't ask him to call her and if I'd have known he was going to do it I would have probably talked him out of it because he's addressed this with them before and nothing has changed.

 

One of my friends said she's giving us the silent treatment because she knows it's inappropriate but doesn't want to admit it.

 

I even gave her an example of say FIL left her for someone 30 years younger and she was pregnant how would she feel about us going to OW's house to help her move???

 

She didn't see the comparison as being a fair one. For instance I brought up looking at the houses- and she said "I didn't look at houses with her" She said "She just asked my advice on the four that she had picked and I did go to look at those" That's so maddening because it's the same flipping thing she just worded it differently.

 

Since I extended the olive branch I'll let her make the next move.

[Mz. Pixie]

The ExW did not leave the family, she left your husband. She will forever be a part of the family tied in through the child. It sounds to me like I have a very similar relationship with my ex MIL. We were at odds when I was married to her son as she felt he deserved the world and could not see behind the closed doors of our home. Now that we are divorced we talk regularly, and she sees the relationship between me and other members of her family that we have in common and all love. This makes me her family to her period and the attention is on the children involved.

 

You may not like the ExW, but she was and is a part of your family as well. If you are uncomfortable with the way your stepsons mom is talking to him ask your H talk with her. STAY OUT OF IT. Focus on what YOU can do to make it all smoother.

 

So, your ex MIL picks up your dry cleaning and makes your bank deposits and stuff like that? Those are the things I have a problem with- not her having a relationship with her that's cordial and in the best interest of stepson.

 

I have an okay relationship with her and I get along really well with my kids stepmom as well.

 

Everyone I've ever asked in real life wonder how I put up with it is so ridiculous- and my friends are the kinds who would call me on it in a minute if they thought I was being unreasonable.

[tinktronik]

So, your ex MIL picks up your dry cleaning and makes your bank deposits and stuff like that? Those are the things I have a problem with- not her having a relationship with her that's cordial and in the best interest of stepson.

 

I have an okay relationship with her and I get along really well with my kids stepmom as well.

 

Everyone I've ever asked in real life wonder how I put up with it is so ridiculous- and my friends are the kinds who would call me on it in a minute if they thought I was being unreasonable.

 

I get care packages and personal gifts bought for myself from her. I do the same for her as well.

 

If I asked my exMIL to pick up my dry cleaning or do a bank deposit for me... she would. I have no doubt about it. That's just the kind of person she is. Perhaps this is just the kind of person your MIL is as well.

 

I don't know that this is something you are putting up with. Your MIL is not "yours"... she's a big girl and can be friends with whom she pleases and do whatever she wants with them. Your MIL spending time with this lady does not seem to be hurting anyone, not the child involved...

 

I am having a hard time understanding why you would think you have a right to be upset about your MIL spending time with her family member, other than jealousy. Can you perhaps explain it a bit more?

 

My sister is good friends with my exH; I don't like it and sometimes it itches at me but it's none of my business.

[tinktronik]

I wanted to add that there is a difference between a civil environment and cultivating a friendly environment when children are involved.

 

Civility is when you are nice but there is no real connection between families.

 

What my MIL does is cultivates an environ. She is helpful and sweet and there when whoever needs her. It keeps things open so that I am more willing to hear a difference of opinion from her or my exH in regard to our kids. It lets the kids know that while maybe the "rents" are tense around each other mom and Nana sure do seem to be friendly. It makes the kids super aware that there is a lifeline between their two homes. I would say your MIL sounds very giving and sweet and smart to boot.

[silverfish]

I hate to say it, but my MIL is a bit like this too. I also keep in touch with my ex brother in laws, and their wives, and their kids, and also one of my brother in laws ex-girlfriends.

 

I don't think it's fair that one failed relationship in the family should mean that everything else falls apart. We all do it because of the kids mainly, but also I have known these people for 16 years now, from when I was 21 yrs old.

 

In a lot of ways they were there for me when my own family weren't. They have known my kids since they were born, and so on...

 

My MIL is very ill right now, and my ex is taking the kids up this w/end. Last Summer she stayed in my house for 2 weeks and looked after my kids.

 

I don't think I am in the same situation as you, because my ex doesn't have a serious g/f yet. I really don't know if it will matter, because sad to say, my MIL is probably never getting out of hospital now. He sent me a text a few days to let me know how she is though, and I know his g/f didn't like it but what's the alternative?

 

I understand your frustrations, because your MIL does sound like a people pleaser. Just try and understand that it's just what she does! I am 90% sure no one is doing this intentionally to hurt you. If it's any consolation, when kids get to around 12 / 13, they completely lose interest in the grandparents most of the time.

[Mz. Pixie]

 

I am having a hard time understanding why you would think you have a right to be upset about your MIL spending time with her family member, other than jealousy. Can you perhaps explain it a bit more?

 

I'm all about loyalty in some ways and it seems disloyal of her to have that type or relationship with his ex and her husband- who was OM.

 

IMO- the child is her family and no one else. She has said in the past that if they had not have had stepson she would have never spoken to her again.

 

Ex will manipulate MIL into doing something and she'll be mad about it but she'll still do it. She'll trash her on the phone to me. I really dislike it when people are phony and in a way it puts me in the middle of something I don't want to be in.

 

I nor my husband has ever asked her to pick up our lunch- or make a bank deposit for us- nothing like that.

 

I have ex inlaws as well and we're nice and together when it comes to the kids- but I cannot imagine them doing that kind of stuff for me- ever and ex and I were married a long time- unlike my husband and XW who were only married 18 months when she started seeing OM.

 

You would think that OM would tell his wife to stop mooching off her ex husbands mother out of respect for himself. I just don't get it. And it wouldn't hurt for XW to be more appreciative of the things MIL does for her in the first place.

 

I don't really think I'm jealous. I don't even see how they were married at all- I don't think she loved him- heck she was an hour and a half late for their wedding. She actually did me a huge favor in leaving him because if that had never of happened he wouldn't have been divorced when I got back into the dating game.

[Tayla]

Very peculiar situation. The responses are even more so.

 

I truly think that the poster has just cause for concern. Sometimes the overly people pleasing IL is just as annoying as the nosy one. This lady seems to be a mixture of both which seems perturbing.

 

Miffed on advisal yet can say, I hear ya and what you are conveying!

[TaraMaiden]

So, let's look at this from a different angle....if you could wave a magic wand - what would you like her to start doing, go on doing and stop doing?

 

In a nutshell?

[Mz. Pixie]

What I don't want her to do- personal errands and such for the XW.

 

What I want her to do- set some boundaries with XW and learn how to say no when she's asked to do something personal by XW that has nothing to do with stepson.

 

I want her to continue to be sweet and nurturing (and speak to me again)- and not change her treatment of my stepson (which she wouldn't do anyway).

[TaraMaiden]

That's what I thought.

Unfortunately, the bottom line is, and always will be - you can't decide how or why she acts the way she does.

No matter what you like, dislike, approve/disapprove of - you have to, in common parlance, 'suck it up'.

This is all on her, and any confrontation or hint of disapproval, is a challenge to her own choice and opinion.

 

If the woman is divorced from you H, then the only connection she has with the family still, is that she created a child with your H.

But the connection is - and always will be - that one.

 

What boundaries she has are for her to decide, and alter as she sees fit, not as others see fit.

 

Basically, she's chosen this woman, whatever her real motives and justifications may be, to cultivate a friendship, for the sake of her grandson. She may have hidden agendas, and she may harbour a different opinion of her, than the one she claims to have.

tough.

Not your business.

And you can no more choose her 'friends', any more than she has a right to choose yours.

It's up to you to rebuild the bridge of communication with her. And let her know that whatever she decides, you will accept it, and rspect it.

 

And do so.

 

I'm sorry, but it's not going to happen, so you might as well make the most of what you have.

[Mz. Pixie]

I think as a idea I'm going to tell her that if she does that stuff for XW then just not to tell us about it.

 

She finally called me yesterday wanting to know if I wanted her to pick up my kids today. Made some small talk- she brought up XW and how she never helps stepson with his homework. Doesn't help him now with her 4th child on the way. I made little comment and then changed the subject.

[TaraMaiden]

Very diplomatic, very correct.

 

if ever she brings up the subject, it's possible she's goading you to ellicit a response... almost as a challenge.....

Don't rise to the bait, because this may be the classic tactic from a confrontation avoider.... to goad you enough to provoke you, then to become defensive when you respond......

 

I wish you well, I'm sure it's not easy for you.....