Stuck in the Middle

[burnt_out]

So here's my story.

My mother and I have this special relationship where I am the only one in the family she can talk to about her problems and over the years I have seen my mom go through so much heartache and despair when it comes to my dad's side of my family. My mom and dad have been married since 1986. She has always taken the backseat and now I feel it is becoming more frustrating for her. My grandma (Her mother-in-law) has lived with us ever since me and my sister were born to take care of us while my parents went to work and she has basically made my mom's life so stressful that it comes to the point that whenever I talk to my mother she always come up so she can just release all that tension she has toward her. My grandma is a very materialistic person and tends to make everything about her. Growing up she always made me and my sister do stuff that we never wanted to do and complained about being our "maid"(which is completely false on my part). And now with me at college and my sister almost out of college it is as if she has changed and is willing to do everything for us. This is where it all started.

Recently she has been having so many problems with my sister lately that I myself want to go up to my sister and tell her off. My sister is basically a bum everyday sleeping and waking up just to play video games and doing nothing productive. Which becomes worse because my grandma baby's her and does everything for her (laundry, cook, dishes, clean her room). As a result, she shrugs off my mom as if she has done absolutely nothing for her and just lives off my mom and dad's salary.

A year back my uncles were at my house and they went up to my mother and flat out told her that they did not like her... after 22 years of their marriage. Not knowing what to do she just left the room and told my father what they said. My father just shrugged it off like everything else and acted as if they didn't say it. My uncles and aunts also acted as if they didn't say it either. But that has cleared up and is in the past... though it still comes up now and then when we have our therapy sessions in my room.

My father doesn't like to talk things out, which becomes a problem because I have to be the mediator and try to calm my mom down because she can't go to my dad and talk to him about their problems. Whenever she brings something up he always says "don't worry about it" or "don't bring that up". Perhaps thats just the old chinese mentality.

I am sick and tired to see my mom in this type of situation trapped in her own home and although I do like the therapy sessions we have in my room, I am only 18 and I usually don't have anything to say to comfort her, all I usually do is listen. I personally feel exhausted and helpless. Helpless in the fact because i'm not home that often due to my summer internship in Boston (we live in New Jersey) and I can only come back if I have a long weekend. I just was looking around online to see if anyone had any advice and came across this website and thought it could be helpful. Can someone please throw some advice my way because I feel like i'm stuck in the middle with no way out.

Thanks.

[Caitlyn]

So here's my story.

My mother and I have this special relationship where I am the only one in the family she can talk to about her problems and over the years I have seen my mom go through so much heartache and despair when it comes to my dad's side of my family. My mom and dad have been married since 1986. She has always taken the backseat and now I feel it is becoming more frustrating for her. My grandma (Her mother-in-law) has lived with us ever since me and my sister were born to take care of us while my parents went to work and she has basically made my mom's life so stressful that it comes to the point that whenever I talk to my mother she always come up so she can just release all that tension she has toward her. My grandma is a very materialistic person and tends to make everything about her. Growing up she always made me and my sister do stuff that we never wanted to do and complained about being our "maid"(which is completely false on my part). And now with me at college and my sister almost out of college it is as if she has changed and is willing to do everything for us. This is where it all started.

Recently she has been having so many problems with my sister lately that I myself want to go up to my sister and tell her off. My sister is basically a bum everyday sleeping and waking up just to play video games and doing nothing productive. Which becomes worse because my grandma baby's her and does everything for her (laundry, cook, dishes, clean her room). As a result, she shrugs off my mom as if she has done absolutely nothing for her and just lives off my mom and dad's salary.

A year back my uncles were at my house and they went up to my mother and flat out told her that they did not like her... after 22 years of their marriage. Not knowing what to do she just left the room and told my father what they said. My father just shrugged it off like everything else and acted as if they didn't say it. My uncles and aunts also acted as if they didn't say it either. But that has cleared up and is in the past... though it still comes up now and then when we have our therapy sessions in my room.

My father doesn't like to talk things out, which becomes a problem because I have to be the mediator and try to calm my mom down because she can't go to my dad and talk to him about their problems. Whenever she brings something up he always says "don't worry about it" or "don't bring that up". Perhaps thats just the old chinese mentality.

I am sick and tired to see my mom in this type of situation trapped in her own home and although I do like the therapy sessions we have in my room, I am only 18 and I usually don't have anything to say to comfort her, all I usually do is listen. I personally feel exhausted and helpless. Helpless in the fact because i'm not home that often due to my summer internship in Boston (we live in New Jersey) and I can only come back if I have a long weekend. I just was looking around online to see if anyone had any advice and came across this website and thought it could be helpful. Can someone please throw some advice my way because I feel like i'm stuck in the middle with no way out.

Thanks.

 

First off, I commend you for being there for your mom when she needs you. The thing is, you are only 18 & there is only so much you can do to help her. Being there when you can, listening to her when she needs to vent is good, but it can be to much for a young lady to take on all by yourself.

 

(This is all my opinion so please keep that in mind as you read.)

 

Your sister being lazy seems like a situation stemming from the main problem, your mom is being walked on by all the people in the home. It may be that over the years she has lost her self-confidence or she may have always been lacking it, you might of just not seen it because of your age. Either way, IMO, she needs a helping hand in pushing that back up so she can stand up to this all herself.

 

With that in mind, I think it might be good to find something your mom enjoys doing, weather it be cooking, gardening or whatever thing she has expressed an interest in. Once you find that thing, encourage her to take lessons or join a club for that thing. It will serve two purposes, it will give her time to herself, outside of the home & it will help her make friends outside of the family. Both are positive things that could really help build her confidence up. Friends will also give her another set of ears, closer to home & one who can help her when you can't be there.

 

I hope this helps you out, even a little. Best of luck.

[doublescorpio]

burnt_out, I think you are an amazing daughter for supporting your mother like this. I am simmilar too in that my mother comes to me as well to vent and chat, she finds it harder for my father and sister to listen well.

 

I think Caitlyn's advice was spot on, indulge your mother with things she enjoys doing that build her confidence. She may be stuck in a position and unsure of how to go about changing it. Your support is excellent for her. I would encourage her to go to some therapy, you can even go together if that helps. A private session with a therapist however may help her really unleash what she is feeling and decide on a course of action to take.

 

I would work on your sister, really bash the truth into her brain that your mother will not be around forever. Explain that if she want her at her wedding, to see grandchildren, she will have to take some stress off her. Explain that the household is driving her to an early grave. Scare your sister into understanding that her actions have serious ramifications on the family. While you are at it, tell your Grandma this as well. Tell her how you would feel being motherless and how much she means to you. Why not tell your father as well, since he isn't being as supportive to your mother as he could be.

 

It is sad to see you in this position but I wanted to say that just by listening, we sometimes are much more helpful than if we tried to offer advice or say something comforting. That may be just what your mother needs, someone to really listen and not tell her how she should do something. It does sound like she could use a professional's advice, so if that is an option I would encourage you to suggest it. Best of luck.

[burnt_out]

burnt_out, I think you are an amazing daughter for supporting your mother like this. I am simmilar too in that my mother comes to me as well to vent and chat, she finds it harder for my father and sister to listen well.

 

I'm actually a guy, but thats not really important.

 

Thank you guys for responding, it is becoming very helpful to obtain advice and its comforting to see that people can relate.

 

Your sister being lazy seems like a situation stemming from the main problem, your mom is being walked on by all the people in the home. It may be that over the years she has lost her self-confidence or she may have always been lacking it, you might of just not seen it because of your age. Either way, IMO, she needs a helping hand in pushing that back up so she can stand up to this all herself.

 

I completely agree with your opinion, ever since my sister's been back from school its seems like most of my mom's aggravation is coming from her. My mom is probably one of the most understanding people when it comes to her children. My sister didn't graduate this year because she didn't have enough credits but does my mom say anything about it or give her a lecture of how disappointed she is?... No. She supports us all the way no matter what happens, she doesn't deserve what is is getting right now.