Eve Posted July 19, 2009 Share Posted July 19, 2009 Nothing major here. I was just wondering what parents here have done with the bedroom of their young person once they have gone to University? I can barely wait to rush in and finally open the blinds and move things around a bit. It is SO bleak in there. Plus there is a really awful poster that I cant wait to see gone too. I really hope that she takes it with her. Well, Hubby and I were thinking about having our own personal games room of some sort in the periods when she is not present. (Obviously games as in normal games and not anything lewd) Today we have been told that we are not allowed in there for anything other than the usual cleaning routine! Must I really leave the room as it is? I want to do some serious decorating. We have honoured her bleak teenage taste and will of course help her to decorate her new place in London according to her taste and thought this meant that we can finally bring her room in line with the rest of the house. She is planning on coming back during her holiday periods but we dont think she will be around for very long periods because she likes to travel. What would you do? Take care, Eve xx Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted July 19, 2009 Share Posted July 19, 2009 When my daughter left for university.. I took her room.. I made it my 'space'.. my exH was snoring.. I couldn't sleep well.. so I decided to make it MY room... Beginning of the end.. as far as we were concerned.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eve Posted July 19, 2009 Author Share Posted July 19, 2009 Sorry to hear. I am always sorry to hear of relationships ending - unless the person was abusive. Did she mind you moving into her room? Our girl is acting as though this is a human rights issue. We on the other hand already know what furtniture/games items we want to buy.. Her room is fabulous! SO much space! I am definately going to make use of her massive dressing area. I cant wait. The entire third floor will become our area at last. I say the room becomes ours as soon as she is gone. Take care, Eve xx Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted July 19, 2009 Share Posted July 19, 2009 nope.. she didn't mind.. she had her own apartment then.. and when she was coming back.. she would have the room back.. (it was just redecorated).... she liked it.. but I have to say that I have the greatest daughter.. easy-going.. nice... etc.. etc.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eve Posted July 19, 2009 Author Share Posted July 19, 2009 nope.. she didn't mind.. she had her own apartment then.. and when she was coming back.. she would have the room back.. (it was just redecorated).... she liked it.. but I have to say that I have the greatest daughter.. easy-going.. nice... etc.. etc.. The room will be tastefully decorated but I know that it wont be to her liking because she has unusual taste - she is one of those artsy types. I would have thought that like your daughter having her own place would surpass any issue with her room. My girl isnt that easy going in truth. Not in a bad bad way. Just very vocal. Maybe we should wait 6 months and be sensitive to her changes first? Once she is in London she should forget all about her room.. I hope. She was rather apprehensive about moving initially and wanted to go to a local University and stay at home because where we live is extremely nice and I suppose.. familiar. I thought this was all done and dusted until earlier today. Take care, Eve xx Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted July 19, 2009 Share Posted July 19, 2009 Then.. if she's still very sensitive about her room.. I would wait.. I remember I didn't do it the very next day she moved out.. I didn't want her to get the message we couldn't wait for her to move out.. ... My daughter has always been extremely independant.. so moving out was her way to independance.. She moved out at 17.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eve Posted July 19, 2009 Author Share Posted July 19, 2009 Then.. if she's still very sensitive about her room.. I would wait.. I remember I didn't do it the very next day she moved out.. I didn't want her to get the message we couldn't wait for her to move out.. ... My daughter has always been extremely independant.. so moving out was her way to independance.. She moved out at 17.. 17 is young! Gosh.. there is no way on this earth that my girl would have been ready then. She took some extra courses at college and only now feels ready for University. She just took her time. She never rushes anything. Very homely girl. I am just going to have to wait arent I? We get along brilliantly and she knows that I will miss her.. but I really cant wait to open those blinds and enjoy the view from her window! Thats that then. Time for some further 'Mom tact' ... I hope she doesnt continue with her ideas for too long though. Someone I know says that her grown up kids put up a fight about selling the family home. She didnt sell up in the end because they were all so upset! Thank you for listening.. Take care, Eve xx Link to post Share on other sites
Thornton Posted July 20, 2009 Share Posted July 20, 2009 I'm glad that my parents kept my room the same even after I moved out, because I sort of felt like I could still come home whenever I wanted to. It was comforting to come home in the holidays and sleep in my own room, to hear my parents making their familiar noises downstairs and to see all my stuff exactly as I left it. I felt like I still had a place in my parents' home and lives. I would have felt rootless if they'd just tossed all my stuff out and redecorated the second I left. Link to post Share on other sites
Angel1111 Posted July 20, 2009 Share Posted July 20, 2009 My son is about to go off to college but I have no interest in changing his room because he needs a place to stay when he comes home for the holidays and summers. The only thing I have considered doing is moving him into a bigger room and re-decorating for him. But I think I should wait on that because moving off to college is such a big change. He's going to want to come home to the old room that he knows and loves. I think that until kids move out on their own and won't be coming home from college anymore, their room should be left alone. Otherwise, the message seems to be that they really have no place there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eve Posted July 21, 2009 Author Share Posted July 21, 2009 I have decided to leave the room for a few months and then introduce new furniture. Presently there is very little furniture or even light in my daughters room - her choice. However, I dont think its that much of a big deal to put some seating in the room and a few objects. Anyhow, I will definately need to replace all the electrical items she will be taking. We have agreed that it wont become a constant 'social area' nor be painted pink or any other colour aside from what is there already. I dont want to fixate on a room that is always available! but seriously cannot leave it as it is for another three or four years. This has made me consider the fact that I have no intention of nursing a house full of empty rooms when the kids leave and will downsize as soon as the youngest has left! Take care, Eve xx Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted July 21, 2009 Share Posted July 21, 2009 When my oldest moved out, the next kid on the waiting list of I-want-my-own-room moved in. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eve Posted July 21, 2009 Author Share Posted July 21, 2009 When my oldest moved out, the next kid on the waiting list of I-want-my-own-room moved in. I had to share a room growing up so know what you mean there! At the moment I am off the mind that being too flexible could just be tempting fate in that the kids will keep coming back home and then leaving etc. Hence Hubby and I shall be following the example of some friends of ours who downsized so that only one spare room was available. None of their kids have come back to date! I have been advised not to make things too comfortable (which it is presently) otherwise they never leave/give up too quickly with their own challenges. As much as we adore our children, Hubby and I are very much looking forward to enjoying our own space very soon. So will stick to the master plan. Thsi is not intended to make any of our kids feel unwanted (that is not even a possiblilty) but to ensure that they are aware of the importance of managing their lives well without running back home when things get a bit tough. I dont think this a good quality to encourage and I am not one for being tied to any false sense of purpose. Take care, Eve xx Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted July 21, 2009 Share Posted July 21, 2009 Speaking as the kid who just left for college. I think there's two ways to go about that. One is to treat it as YOUR room, do whatever you want with it... but if she's not comfortable in it, she won't be staying in it. And it would be unfair for you to insist that she does, since she doesn't really have a place in your house any longer. Second is to honor her choice and decisions with regards to her room, based on how she is treating her holidays with you. If she does spend a long time at home with you guys during her holidays then leave it as it is. Otherwise, tell her she isn't making use of her room and thus you'll be taking over as you please. Edit: Wow, just saw your reply. I like your concept, but really the whole idea of it is so alien to me. My mum practically insists that I come back even though I sometimes tell her it isn't convenient etc. Most of my friends' parents do too, although not as strongly. Link to post Share on other sites
Angel1111 Posted July 22, 2009 Share Posted July 22, 2009 Even if you lived in a 20-room house, that wouldn't give your kids license to move in and stay. Downsizing isn't relevant - don't let your children run your life. People who do that are just begging for problems. Keeping your daughter's room available for her while she's in college isn't a form of her running your life. Providing a home for our kids is our responsibility as parents. But, if your kids are grown and out of school (within a reasonable amount of time), then you should let them know that they need to get their act together and find a place of their own. Your daughter is still in school and still needs to know she has a home. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eve Posted July 22, 2009 Author Share Posted July 22, 2009 Even if you lived in a 20-room house, that wouldn't give your kids license to move in and stay. Downsizing isn't relevant - don't let your children run your life. People who do that are just begging for problems. Keeping your daughter's room available for her while she's in college isn't a form of her running your life. Providing a home for our kids is our responsibility as parents. But, if your kids are grown and out of school (within a reasonable amount of time), then you should let them know that they need to get their act together and find a place of their own. Your daughter is still in school and still needs to know she has a home. I think it is harder to say 'no' if there is ample space in the house. I have seen way too many parents end up having grown up kids (even in their thirties) living in their house to make that mistake! I find that very unnattractive and half the time (from what I have seen) the child still has unresolved issues with the parents and basically is a leach on their resources. Basically attachment theory gone wrong. So yes, my daughter has a place in our home but the rules need to be adjusted to take into account what will really be happening. Otherwise the situation could turn into a bind for me to put up with things I never liked in the first place but allowed in order for her to develop her own form of self expression. That now needs to be adjusted to assist her to manage her own life first and foremostly. You see, Hubby and I believe strongly in ensuring that each of our kids have their own minds and can take responsibility for their actions. But yes she can come home when she likes but the room is not staying the same as it is now. In fact, she has started to open the blinds since our discussion and has been contemplating a variety of furniture.. so this could be a win win situation. Its time for her to put aside some childish things and be more of an adult. By and large my children are actually good kids and I probably sound harsh but kids do try and take the piss and if you let them they simply take advantage. In such a scenario I would say that you only have yourself to blame. I am not buying into any of that! Take care, Eve xx Link to post Share on other sites
Angel1111 Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 I think it is harder to say 'no' if there is ample space in the house. I have seen way too many parents end up having grown up kids (even in their thirties) living in their house to make that mistake! I find that very unnattractive and half the time (from what I have seen) the child still has unresolved issues with the parents and basically is a leach on their resources. Basically attachment theory gone wrong. So yes, my daughter has a place in our home but the rules need to be adjusted to take into account what will really be happening. Otherwise the situation could turn into a bind for me to put up with things I never liked in the first place but allowed in order for her to develop her own form of self expression. That now needs to be adjusted to assist her to manage her own life first and foremostly. You see, Hubby and I believe strongly in ensuring that each of our kids have their own minds and can take responsibility for their actions. But yes she can come home when she likes but the room is not staying the same as it is now. In fact, she has started to open the blinds since our discussion and has been contemplating a variety of furniture.. so this could be a win win situation. Its time for her to put aside some childish things and be more of an adult. By and large my children are actually good kids and I probably sound harsh but kids do try and take the piss and if you let them they simply take advantage. In such a scenario I would say that you only have yourself to blame. I am not buying into any of that! Take care, Eve xx I guess that's where we differ. It wouldn't be difficult at all for me to tell my son to grow up and get a place of his own. Kids often try to take advantage - the real problem comes in when parents let them. Sounds like you've got it worked out, though. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts