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Mom in denial. Sister a mess. Dad crackhead.


Pickled

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Well,

 

Yesterday I wrote a long letter to my sister. I wrote about how I am affected by her situation living with our Mom. I have tried for years to talk face to face with my family over the many issues looming under the carpet. I am going to point form this to help you all understand.

 

  • My father is a homeless drug addict who wrote a confessional letter on Boxing Day to my sister, explaining in detail (disgusting) how he 'thought I was my mother' when he climbed into my bed when I was 7.
  • I have cut-off my realtionship with my father. I went to therapy when I was in my 20's and tried endlessly to work things out. However, he continued verbally and emotionally absuing me and my children. So I made it clear to stay away from us. He does.
  • My mother still talks to my father, in fact acts as though nothing is wrong! She constantly asks me to call him and even invites me to her house when he is on his way there. This makes me Sick.
  • My sister (37) and her son live with my mother. They BOTH physically threaten her, destroy her property and make her home a prison. My mother is seeing a therapist over the abuse she faces in her own home.
  • My sister is THE most pessimistic person I know. Her constant criticisms of Everything and everyone are exhausting.
  • My mother and sister and nephew ALL call me when things are in chaos. I have asked for them to stop as it sends me to tears of worry nearly every time.

The letter I wrote to my sister was very to the point, loving, and clear. I explained how I can no longer accept her living my mom as too much abuse happens and mom deserves a happy life. I said that I am worried for her and her son. ( he steals, bullies, and is a major challenge. I love him dearly) I asked that she think hard about how her criticisms of nearly everything affect those around her. My children are hurt and confused as she is so so negative. I only wanted to shake things into reality a bit as I can no longer sit by and watch. My sister has not replied to my letter. She has however, put up immature status updates on FB.

 

My mother did however respond to the letter. She showed up unexpectantly at my house. She defended my sister and did not in anyway support my thoughts. Strange, as the letter was clearly about showing respect for mom. Mom was upset that I have chosen to excuse me and my kids from another violent episode by putting distance between us. She thinks I am over reacting. On her way out the door she said "your dad is coming over Thursday, are you coming by?' This makes me feel betrayed, unheard, hurt, and angry and only hashed up the pain from my childhood of abuse. SICK.

 

Today, I am so shaky and full of sadness that the denial has reached the limits I can no longer accept. I feel angry and confused.

 

My husband just shaked his head. He supports me however, he is exhausted by this situation. He went to see my father after he wrote the nasty confessional and told him to stay away from us. I am grateful for that. My mother however, was upset by it.

 

I have never shown any disrespect to my mom. I have urged everyone to be peaceful. I try endlessly to be an example of non-violence and good communication. I love my family. However, I feel alone and abandoned. My heart is on the ground.:(

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GorillaTheater

My situation was/is in no way as severe as yours, mine was/is a pretty straightfoward account of a verbally-abusive mom and apathetic dad. I dealt with it by going "no contact" with them for some time (to put it less charitably, I cut them out of my life), and even now I'd have to say that contact is pretty limited. It helped me alot. The goal was not to punish them, but to cut the pain and nonsense out of my life.

 

That's my advice for you. Go no contact with your sister, nephew and yes, your mother. She will probably be hurt by this I know, and while I don't generally advocate being selfish, you eventually reach a point where you have to be selfish to heal. I think you're there.

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I am so pleased to see that you have somehow , on your own, picked yourself up and managed to separate yourself from that mess of a family.

It happens. And the best we can do is move forward taking care to not bring the same dysfunction into our own families with our own children. Breaking the cycle. Its hard. Harder still to not keep a personal image of yourself as a victim.

 

Your Mom is in such denial that it must be maddening and insulting.

 

No advice. You sound like you know what you have to do.

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I agree. However, I am not sure if my nephew deserves any punishment. He loves to be at my house. Do ya really think I outta cut him off too? Hes only 10. He is very abusive. He has learned from the best.

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2sure!

Thanks so much for your confidence. I am really feeling like I need to cry for a year. It is welling inside. I know I had to do something. Geez, though.

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While you are still being victimized by these people...you cannot help him. Speak to him personally if you can and tell him you are not abandoning him. But you have to rid yourself of this idea that it falls on your shoulders to fix your family.

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GorillaTheater
I agree. However, I am not sure if my nephew deserves any punishment. He loves to be at my house. Do ya really think I outta cut him off too? Hes only 10. He is very abusive. He has learned from the best.

 

Well, I didn't realize he was that young, I was picturing more a sullen, angry teenager. But yeah, this isn't about punishment, it's about your healing and, as 2sure alluded to, shielding you and your family from this craziness. Two things: it's going to be difficult to go NC (no contact) with your sister while maintaining contact with your nephew; and it seems to me that generally speaking he brings more bad into your life than good. Kind of hate saying that about a 10-year-old, but that's what it sounds like.

 

I'm very sorry you're dealing with this.

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Since he is here I just sat down with him and explained what my beliefs are around respect and love. I asked him to think about his. He was very open and seemed grateful to me for standing up against these issues. I also talked about why I felt I needed to put distance between some people in my life and that I hope that he understands. He gave me a giant hug (which made me cry)....

 

Still feeling shaky but i guess that will pass over time.

 

I am not sure how I will approach my mother.

 

I am not looking forward to the chaos later when I tell my mother to give me space. She is so in denial that she will LOOSE it.

 

Oh well... all I can do is pray for peace and take care of myself.

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GorillaTheater

I think you're doing the right thing. I'm interested in how this plays out, and I encourage you to post updates on your situation. God bless.

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