My Mother

[Independant]

Hi there, I am new to LS, just needed somewhere to come and talk about my mother, this has been brewing inside for many years. Sorry this is going to be long. I am 28 years old and currently not speaking to my mother as I just couldn’t take her telling me what to do anymore.

 

I am an only child and my mother controlled everything I did at all times, regardless of the age. I was a honour student, never got into trouble, but was never allowed to do anything, no sleepovers, barely got to go to friends houses, they were usually never allowed over, I couldn’t go out with them, I wasn’t allowed to date when my other friends did, and when I finally did she hated all boyfriends (and has always hated any man in my life). I was so sheltered when I was young I wasn’t able to maintain many other relationships, so was often isolated. I was her slave basically, I had to do all the cooking, cleaning, everything, and if it wasn’t done, I got yelled at for what felt like ever about it. Even now, when I am at her place, she tells me to do stuff for her, she is very bossy, and never does anything for herself, she is always making others do it for her. My husband always got upset that she ordered me around so much, and I totally got his point, but it was much easier to do what she said, then start a fight.

 

Everything has to be her way, or there is hell to pay. She is very manipulative, and passive aggressive, and she knows that I feel guilt very deeply when people are hurt/upset/sad and she uses that against me all the time to get her way. Whatever she says goes, her opinion is always right, I am always wrong and don’t know what I am talking about. I cannot even make a small ‘defensive’ remark (very calmly, not in anger) and she freaks out saying I am being dramatic, and I shouldn’t get so defensive, I should learn to relax, etc. There is no talking with her, she is not willing to see my side of things ever. If I stand up to her she gets upset, hangs up on me then refuses to talk to me and sulks like a child. I am always the one to apologies (even when I did nothing wrong) and even if she does speak to me first, she always blames everything on me and never ever sees how she was in the wrong.

 

I am not perfect, far from it, and I know that I do not handle my mother the ‘right way’ but so many years of this makes it very difficult. I am willing to admit my faults, but I tend to hold them back because as soon as I do with her, she digs right in with them, not letting me live it down. She is very much into ‘I told you so’ and rubbing it in when I am in the wrong. But she always refuses to see how she is not always right and good.

 

I have to have constant contact with her, or she gets upset. I get a phone call form her, or have to call her at least once a day, usually more, and the weekends it is worse, it is constant phone calls, emails, online chat, or invites over, as if I have no life of my own. If there are not phone calls by certain times of the day (like say noon on a Saturday) she will finally call me and ask what’s wrong, and why I haven’t called yet. Calling her is like a chore, that I have to do or I get in trouble. And it’s not quick convos either, they are always long, and I can never end them when I wasn’t to or she gets upset. And she always has to know what I have been doing, am going to do, where I am going, when, like exact times, and there has to be phone calls before and during anything big (say like a trip). No more than say 8 hours goes between contact, and that’s just cause of work. When I am not working, it is a few hours. It’s very frustrating, I try and not answer, or lie and say I am busy, but she will either track me down on my cell, leave me a nasty message, or just keep interuptng me till I speak with her.

 

She also does not agree with the way I choose to spend my time, my money, whatever it may be, if it does not match up with her lifestyle. By telling her that I have a day off and I have no plans (as in I want to relax, or do something fun for myself) she takes this as me needing something to do, either for her, or with her, and will take over my whole day. If I say no, there is a fight about how I am lazy and don’t want to do things, and never want to see her. She doesn’t share the same interests as me, and therefore thinks they are wrong, a waste of time, and I should do what she tells me to do. I lie to her all the time about the things I do, buy or places I go, because I know certain things will turn into the 3rd degree, and her telling me that I shouldn’t.

 

I couldn’t travel to certain places cause she thinks they are unsafe, and would worry too much so I can’t go. And I can’t go away for too long, or she misses me too much. I can’t move away from her, cause I am all she has, regardless of what opportunities may come up for me in life, I have to do things for her, not for me. If she thinks a decision I am making is wrong, she says she is supportive, but will do everything she can to make me change my mind. She tells me all the reasons she can about something to make me paranoid (cause I tend to worry) so I wont end up doing it. (Like the travel far from her).

 

My friends tell me all the time how generous I am, and how I always go out of my way to do for others, expecting nothing in return. I love making people happy, it makes me feel so good. I am also like this with my mother, I assume because I figured I could gain her approval by doing so maybe. She recognizes that I do these things, always tells people what a wonderful daughter she has, yet never really shows that. If I do one little thing to mess up something for her, I am ungrateful and selfish. Yet she is the one that has to have everything her way, including special occasions for ME, and when they are not her way (because of either my husband or my friends wanting to make sure it is special for me) she then sulks, refuses to talk to any of us, and ruins everything. This has been done on numerous occasions. It is horribly upsetting to everyone involved, especially since she has never seen what it is she has done wrong.

 

Our last call was her calling me up and telling me what to do. Coming right out and saying, this is what you are going to do about this. No if ands or buts basically. And I said no, and she got upset, and starting saying how I was awful to do this, and how it was mean, etc, and I hung up on her, I just couldn’t take the abuse anymore!

 

Right now we have not spoken for a few days, and I have to admit that it is wonderful. No coordinating every moment to make sure I call her ‘on time’ and having to tell her my every move. I feel so free. I use to get upset when we didn’t speak, but I got over that sadness and guilt, because there wasn’t anything I could do about it. Now I just feel at peace. The frustrating part is that she did contact me, and basically told me how disappointed she was in me, and how selfish I was being, and blamed everything on me, as usual. Made it sound like she is the perfect person that can do no wrong, and that I will be the evil one if I don’t speak to her.

 

I cannot handle this relationship with her anymore, it literally makes me ill. It’s hard because I have tried to talk to her before, and nothing ever changes, because she refuses to see that she has done anything wrong.

 

I am sorry this was so long, thanks to anyone who made it through it.

[GorillaTheater]

It sounds like you're doing the right thing. Perhaps, after some time, you two will be able to forge a new relationship without lapsing back into the old one. But perhaps not. Whatever the case, I'm glad you're no longer tolerating unacceptable behavior and feel better for it.

[2sure]

Ok, this is nuts. You know that right?

You have a life with your Husband now that cannot revolve around your mother. Just cant.

 

You need to take a step back and far from your Mother so that she begins to comprehend that staying in touch with her is an option for you. The choices you make in life are YOURS.

 

My other concern here is that you seem easily manipulated and I wonder if your relationship with your husband is also affected by that.

[Independant]

Yes, I know how bad it sounds, my friends have told me this for a long time, it just took a while for me to realize how bad it was. I know I have to regain control over my life, because if I do not and do speak with her again, I will never have any peace.

 

I am actually in the process of seperating from my husband; but yes, the issues with my mother did affect our relationship.

[Yurijosh]

Hi ,

 

i am new to this siteI love my mother very very...much.there is no words to say my love.but my mom forced me to get marrie with mu uncle's son.but im not interested.i cant say no to my mother.... but at the same time i dont like to marrie him. what can i do.

 

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[shutterbugg]

Independent,

 

Wow, I think you're describing MY mother! She was so controlling when I was growing up that I felt as if I lived in a bubble being sheltered from all the "evils" of the world. Unfortunately, I made a big mistake marrying the first guy who came along just to escape her iron fist. Even then, she still tried to interfere by telling me what I could and couldn't do. We moved 700 miles away about 6 years into our marriage, which helped some, but not much. It got to the point where I just wasn't telling her things and being vague about others to keep her off my back. I've actually had to tell her on several occasions to mind her own business or just hang up on her. Stand your ground and don't let her boss you around. You're a grown woman and intelligent enough to make your own decisions!

[Pickled]

Great for standing up for yourself. Things tend to finally change when someone makes a stand for something...

[2sure]

Wow. Well, I have no further advice but do want to say that this is a good thread for myself to keep in mind as a mother.

 

Also wanted to note that a mother's control seems to be able to lead more to HER dependency on the control.

[e.clipse]

You need to take a step back and far from your Mother so that she begins to comprehend that staying in touch with her is an option for you.

 

 

I am all she has

 

out of everything you wrote, that above-quote statement struck me the most. why are you all that she has? you mentioned that you are her only child, but does she not have a husband? or other relatives? or nearby friends?

 

i don't mean to be offensive, and i am sure my views on subjects such as these are extremely unpopular, but throughout all of your post, all you have done is point fingers at your mother. your mother did this, that, and this-that to you, right? well, what good does it do you to place all the blame on her?

 

instead of victimizing yourself so much, why don't you think about your mother, and not about what your mother says or does to you? don't get me wrong, i'm not condoning what your mother does, as i feel the relationship she wants to have with you is unhealthy not only for you, but for her, as well. however, realize that thinking this way solves nothing.

 

you can go about living like you are currently, slowly breaking away from your mother, and surely you will see changes in your life, which might be positive, but do you think they will be positive for her?

 

why does she feel the need to have you so close? why does she feel like you are still her little girl, not her grown and already married daughter, whom she must direct in every step of the way? do you know?

 

honestly, the problem here is your mother, surely. but i think that if you want to healthily overcome this, you need to help your mother. the relationship you have is not a normal one, and it seems as though your mother has some heavy psychological issues/hang ups that prevent her from "letting you go." if you can step outside of yourself and her insanity and try to help her, you may find that your relationship with her will change: it might be good, without the need to ignore, but rather long to converse.

[KikiW]

e.clipse - it seems to me that any time the OP tries to stand up for herself in the least, her mother swats her down using guilt or berating her. How could she possibly be expected to try and help a woman who has forced her to live life walking on eggshells? Quite frankly, the OP deserves to spend time working on herself before she should even CONSIDER whether she wants to try and help her mother.

 

OP - it is wonderful that you are feeling this freedom. There is nothing wrong with wanting a social life, living your own life, having your own interests, etc. Quite frankly I am surprised you were able to get married considering her behavior.

 

You deserve to take time to discover who you are and who you want to be. If your mother is toxic to your health, then you may need to back away from her, regardless of how she comes at you. Come up with a simple statement and stick to it, such as "I'm sorry you feel that way, Mother, but I am tired of being told what to do by you/being made to feel bad for having a friend/living life the way I want to." so no matter what she says, you can say it over and over again.

 

If I missed it, I apologize, but if you are not in therapy, you may want to consider finding someone to talk to. They can be extremely helpful in putting things into perspective and giving you more tools to use in dealing with her.

 

Good luck!

[Girlygal]

Honey my heart is breaking for you!!!!

 

I think that it is time that you take control of your life. And make it YOURS. No one elses just yours. go on a selfish streak for a bit, you've earned it. Then after a bit relax into a comfortable position between the two worlds, where your not too selfish but your not to doormat either.

 

Your mother is living through you. everything you do gives her a glimpse at the things she wished she could have done. You must stop this. It is enabling her to remain the way she is. She will not get better eventually. you must "Cut the cord" and take your place as head of your world.

 

I know it will be hard. and you will falter, but remain strong, and lean on us. Find a local couselor or support group and join things that are of interest to you. Find yourself, and i know this my sound mean, but let your mother fend for herself.

 

I may even go as far as getting a new cell # and not tell her. Perhaps even move so she cant track you down.

 

But at all costs you must seperate yourself from this relationship.

[Angel1111]

Your mother is completely crazy and you need to distance yourself from her - probably all your life because people like this rarely change. I'm glad you're doing it now, but I hope you keep it up; and that when you do talk to her, you make it clear every time she's disrespectful toward you, you'll stop talking to her. If you don't get control over this situation, your husband will eventually lose complete respect for you and this will cause big problems between you and him.

 

There's no excuse for any parent to talk to their child like this - particularly their adult child. She treats you like a dog and I think it's disgusting. She has no respect for you at all. If it becomes necessary, cut off all contact with her forever. This woman is toxic.

[aboynamedmike]

you're mom sounds just like my dad. I'm 20 and still feel as if I need to check with daddy's approval before I do something.

 

He acts like a child a lot, watches movies every night, eats ice cream and candy, cooks steak and corn for dinner(everynight!) and is OCD about his yard work. If something is a mess it must positively be cleaned up THAT INSTANT! He cannot stand to have things in disorder. Also, there must be a plan for EVERYTHING! You can't just take each day as it comes, you have to plan out what you're doing.

 

I am the complete opposite. I like cleanliness, but I can live with organized chaos. I love to relax and listen to music, laugh, and love. My dad's philosophy is work really really hard, earn money, buy lots of things to make you happy, and if you relax too much you're being a lazy a$$.

 

I'm so glad I"m going back to school in 3 weeks, I don't know how much more of this I can take.