My wife wants a 2nd baby, but I don't want one--at least not yet.

[Nedland]

This is really long, but it's necessary, I think. I am grateful to those of you out there who read the whole thing.

 

When I met my wife, we were young New Yorkers living life to the fullest. We got engaged when I was 28, and she was 32. Shortly after, I became acutely aware that she suffered from alcoholism. We got married a year-and-a-half later (I can hear it already, why did I marry an alcoholic, right?) and in the years that followed, she would often talk about having kids, and I would repeatedly say that we couldn't have kids as long as she kept drinking.

 

Three years into the marriage, I began talking SERIOUSLY about having kids, and she went through a 3-month phase where she started getting really depressed and drank more heavily, and then-Boom!-she told her parents (who are wonderful, very supportive, and also quite wealthy) that she had a drinking problem, and they footed the $24,000 rehab bill.

 

At the time of the rehab, I had just turned 32, and she was 36, and as the months passed the issue of having children became a serious possibility. I was all for it, as long as we planned matters carefully. I wanted to leave the suburbs, find a new house in the city (so that we had some semblance of our past glory days in Manhattan), make the necessary career changes, advance my income a little, and ensure that my wife had one year of sobriety under her belt before we got pregnant. But, my wife would not listen to reason or logic. She wanted the baby yesterday. And what would you know, she got pregnant, and we had our beautiful baby daughter 8 months ago.

 

In the meantime, I have taken on a lot of responsibilities: (1) I have picked up a lot of chores, errands, etc. and kept the house running smooth since my wife is not as organized as I am--I am a type A personality, and she probably has undiagnosed ADD, (2) we've found a beautiful home in a nice area in the middle of a good-sized city, (3) I have begun to make some [stressful but] necessary career changes to advance our family income, (4) I have made sure that these career changes occupy only 3-4 days of the week, so that during the other days, I can: a) have quality time with my wife and daughter, b) have time for physical therapy and exercise which are vital for controlling lots of musculoskeletal pain issues I have, and c) secure time to pursue my dream of becoming a published author.

 

Now get this: everything seems to be working out, right? Then 2 weeks ago, on her 39th birthday, my wife drops the bomb on me: she says she would like to have a second baby! And her sole reason for wanting another baby is: "I don't want our daughter to grow up an only child--only children are wierd. Plus, I'm 39--I don't have much time left."

 

Now, of course, I can't say what I really want to say (largely because she is very sensitive and misinterprets things very easily--you have to walk on eggshells around her), but this is my take:

 

1) Having a sibling certainly teaches important interpersonal skills (negotiating repsonsibilities, sharing things, compromising, etc.) but to be say that only children are somehow maladapted is just ridiculous!

 

2) My musculoskeletal problems are bad right now; I am in constant pain from caring for our baby; I can't handle another baby! Not right now, at least.

 

3) My writing has suffered significantly, but has managed to stay alive since our baby's birth, but if we have a second baby now, my writing and my dream WILL die.

 

4) Another baby will mean more stress on my wife, will make her more emotional than she is now, I will have to invest more energy in "staying strong for us both," and I will have to pick up yet more of the slack of things that need to get done, because of my wife's tendency to be disorganized.

 

5) The financial cost of another child would likely mean that I have to work more (which will worsen lots of other matters noted above) and/or we'll have to move back to the boring suburbs.

 

I WANT to have a rational discussion with my wife about this, but any attempt I make is very difficult. The moment I even broach the topic I can see her flushing and getting irritable, and if I even try to MENTION the CONS of having a second baby she says: "I can't hear this right now, okay?! I really can't handle this right now!"

 

She is emotionally very fragile, and I love my wife to death, but sometimes it is just more than I can take. I am tired of having to be the strong one in this relationship. I invest so much energy in being there for her, and don't get me wrong, she has been there for me, but more often than not, her ability to "keep it together" is so tenuous, that I have to put my needs aside for her sake.

 

I feel as though I have sacrificed a ton already, and now she wants to have another baby? Now?! I am willing to consider having a second baby, but NOT NOW! We need to wait two or three years. My wife's response to that would be simple, of course, she'd say: "I'm 39--I don't have 2 or 3 years." My unspoken (walking on eggshells here!) response would be: "It isn't my fault that you drank away your 30s and we couldn't have more time to have a baby." Which raises another annoyance of mine: all those years I begged her to seek help for the alcoholism to save our marriage was never enough motivation for her to go and get help, but 3 months after I began talking seriously about having a kid, she ran to her parents, got into rehab, and got sober!

 

Am I being unfair somehow? Is it unreasonable for me to ask that we wait another 2 years? And most of all--how do I even get her to listen?!? She flies off the handle at the slightest ?@#$!

[zoe1983]

i think before you even think about having a second child you need to go to marriage counseling and work through your bitterness towards your wife. Your whole post just seems to scream about all the blame you have put on your wife for your current situation. Now maybe she deserves all of it...i am not in your shoes so i dont know....but i dont think putting more children into this situation is a good idea. Both my fiance and i probably drink more than we should but thats why we have no intention of putting children into the mix anytime soon....

[RA1]

i think before you even think about having a second child you need to go to marriage counseling and work through your bitterness towards your wife. Your whole post just seems to scream about all the blame you have put on your wife for your current situation.

Zoe: I can't say I detected bitterness. The post seemed to me to be totally rational and reasonable.

 

Nedland: Maybe marriage counseling is a good idea to help you communicate your position to your wife. Good luck.

[BlackWhite]

Just don't sleep with her, or, alternatively, use a condom.

[frankie881388]

i think before you even think about having a second child you need to go to marriage counseling and work through your bitterness towards your wife. Your whole post just seems to scream about all the blame you have put on your wife for your current situation. Now maybe she deserves all of it...i am not in your shoes so i dont know....but i dont think putting more children into this situation is a good idea. Both my fiance and i probably drink more than we should but thats why we have no intention of putting children into the mix anytime soon....

---------------

Come again? How was he putting his wife down? Counselors don't know the couple's situation. Obviously you are a woman and you think men always need counseling and women are always right. Did you even read the post? He was the one who was having doubts about having another child.

[doublescorpio]

(1) I have picked up a lot of chores, errands, etc. and kept the house running smooth since my wife is not as organized as I am--I am a type A personality, and she probably has undiagnosed ADD,

 

I wanted to say quickly that if you truly suspect that your wife has undiagnosed ADD, that she should get looked at ASAP.

 

A study was done that showed 33% of alcoholics have ADD and 65% of drug users have ADD. Your wife's history presents various signs that she may indeed have ADD and has not been treated for it. I wanted to say that addressing this may do her an ENORMOUS amount of good. She is disorganized, highly sensitive, compulsive, has abused alcohol etc. Imagine what she may be like if she receives help, how much stronger she may be. Many people do not get diagnosed until they are far into adulthood. She may benefit from having a personal coach to help her get on track, whether or not she has ADD. There are obviously qualities in her that you love, and it may take some persuasion to get her some help (starting with your family doctor) but it would do all of you some good.

 

As for the situation of her feeling as though her time is running out and she needs to have that second child ASAP- this may sound silly, but you as a couple may consider preserving some of her eggs. She can carry a baby at a later date when your lives get settled more without the concerns that come with eggs and older age. This is an option many women are now choosing to take, and it is working out for many of them.

[blind_otter]

This sounds like a time bomb, to be honest with you. If you guys don't get some help learning how to communicate, then I have serious doubts that your marriage will survive. It sounds to me like you do have some leftover resentment towards her regarding her substance abuse.

 

I can see clearly that you have some of the issues that a codependent partner of an alcoholic can have - I have also been involved with an alcoholic, and I have some experience and time in alanon that have helped me IMMENSELY.

 

IMO, when you have a couple where one partner has been an alcoholic, even if they get sober and go to rehab or get treatment, the partner who was NOT alcoholic needs treatment as well, to learn a new way to interact with their partner. A new skill set, a new tool kit, a new way of approaching things. Because we all learn scripts in our relationships, and it is VERY easy to get stuck in a script without even being aware of it.

 

I'd venture to guess that your wife wants to have another baby for other reasons besides the one she felt comfortable enough to share with you. And, I'm sure you know other parents of older infants and you know that it is extremely common for some women to get "babylust" as they call it when their infants start being more mobile and independent (this can happen earlier depending on the parenting philosophy and how early the parents try to make their infant independent).

 

And the truth is that perimenopause is a difficult time for many women - she may be wanting another baby to hold on to her youth. She may regret the choices she made 10 years ago. She may be facing fears deeper than you can imagine.

 

From what I read, OP, you are very much in your head. This is useful in our society, people who live this way tend to advance in their careers quite well - but in matters of the heart, they do not excel so much, and they can have a tendency to internalize their emotional issues to the point of developing chronic pain and other physical issues.

 

I do second the advice to seek counseling - and understand that BOTH of you have things you need to bring to the table to work out, because it seems like you are both struggling with your own demons.