Mom is driving me crazy.

[lora22]

Hey, I never post in this forum, but my mother is driving me nuts and I am out of patience. The important parts are bolded, because I have a feeling I might start ranting. Thanks if you make it to the end

 

Background:

First, I live near my parents, and I'm the only family close by. My dad has been traveling a lot lately for business, and will be gone for a week or more at a time.

Second, Friday I was given an assignment with a deadline of today. At the time I didn't think there was any need to work over the weekend; I should have had plenty of time.

 

My dad also left for a trip on Friday and can't make it back until next week.

 

Over the weekend my mother broke her arm.

 

So, I'm the one who got called to take her to the hospital, etc. I'm temporarily staying in their guest room to care for my mother until my dad gets back. My mother is very aware of my deadline, because I told her upfront that I would love to help her, but I do have work to do.

 

However, this has turned into me driving her around ALL day, EVERY day (doctor appointments, prescription fills, buying groceries, running errands, etc.), IN ADDITION to helping her bathe and dress, blow drying her hair, cleaning, cooking, caring for her dog and cat, and waiting on her (fetching drinks, another blanket, the tv remote, her book, and on and on). Basically she sits around checking her email, watching tv, reading a book, sleeping...I do everything for her, including things she can do for herself. The whole time she's making comments like "This is the last time I'll bother you, I know you have work to do." I'm not being at all impatient with her - no sighing, no eye rolling, I'm totally upbeat, asking her what she needs, if she needs anything, etc.

 

Because of this, I haven't been able to really start working until around 10pm every night - so I'm staying up late and nearly pulling all nighters in order to get my work done.

 

Finally, this morning I told her that I really need the morning to finish some things up. So I still got her going in the morning, got and refilled her coffee cup, etc. but have mostly been trying to wrap a few things up.

 

So apparently she decided to do some things for herself this morning. And I don't know what she was trying to do, but she was bitching and muttering and using the "f" word a lot before she got around to doing it. I didn't offer to help, because like I said, I needed to finish my work by noon today.

 

Anyways, so all of a sudden she starts screaming "F***er" and throwing things around in the kitchen, so I say "Mom what do you need help with?" And she goes "Nothing." And then she starts SOBBING and crying.

 

I don't understand why she has no problem asking me (or letting me) do things for her that she can do just fine on her own (basically waiting on her), but she won't ask me or let me do other things that she definitely CAN'T do for herself. It's like she's just feeling sorry for herself and wants to prove to herself that she has a right to feel sorry for herself. Other things that she can't do herself but HAVE to get done (like getting dressed or putting her sling on) she has no problem asking me to do, but the things that she CAN'T do and doesn't HAVE to do, she still tries to do on her own!!

 

I mean, the mailman just came to the door because there was too much mail for the mailbox, and instead of answering the door herself and giving him the outgoing mail herself, she asked me to do it!! It's not so much I have a problem with that, as I have a problem with the fact that she ASKED me to do that when she's perfectly capable of doing it herself, and she WOULDN'T ask me to do the other stuff for her, or let me help after I asked HER!!!

 

She's been getting constant visits, phone calls, cards, and flowers from other people, and my dad has offered to come home (he's in Europe on business!!), so I really don't think she should be feeling neglected in any way, plus I'm here waiting on her hand and foot, and spending all my time with her, listening to her complain and feel sorry for herself, and trying to be upbeat.

 

I don't understand my mother's attitude and I am totally out of patience with her, but I'm here until next week. I've also never broken my arm, so maybe this is something that's just so incredibly terrible even if you have someone to help you that I'm just not getting what she's going through??? Please help!

[Touche]

I feel for you. This sounds just like my mother. It's never enough or it's the wrong kind of help or yada, yada. She REALLY sounds like my mom. Honestly, I have no advice since I'm not sure how to handle my own mother. You're WAY more patient than I am.

 

The only thing I can say is try to hang in there until your Dad gets back. And know that you're not alone.

[sally4sara]

How bad of a break was the injury?

 

I ask because you mention she is using the f word a lot, acting out, and throwing things about the place.

 

Is this normal behavior? Sometimes when someone experiences an injury where broken bones are involved, they also experience unusual mood swings and out of character behavior. Marrow can travel to the brain through the break in the bone and cause this to happen.

 

Its weird but true.

[lora22]

Ha, I'm not that patient - when she started crying I literally just let her cry and kept typing furiously, because her tantrum happened around 10:30 and I was trying so hard to meet my deadline - I mean seriously, the economy sucks, I don't want to give anyone a reason to fire me, and I don't know why she doesn't understand that.

 

It's like she intentionally chose that moment to have a break down or something, because I wasn't paying attention to her for a whole two hours.

 

I feel like the worst human being ever for that. I'm also not super nurturing, and I have no problem taking care of people in other ways, but when they cry it makes me soooo uncomfortable.

[lora22]

How bad of a break was the injury?

 

I ask because you mention she is using the f word a lot, acting out, and throwing things about the place.

 

Is this normal behavior? Sometimes when someone experiences an injury where broken bones are involved, they also experience unusual mood swings and out of character behavior. Marrow can travel to the brain through the break in the bone and cause this to happen.

 

Its weird but true.

 

That is weird! It wasn't bad at all, it was a clean break. She has always been high maintenance, dramatic, very moody when she feels someone (anyone) isn't giving her enough attention (usually my dad, but that's another story - she's never worked a day in her life and doesn't understand that he might have to travel or stay late since he's the sole provider).

 

I think she's also going through menopause?

[Touche]

That is weird! It wasn't bad at all, it was a clean break. She has always been high maintenance, dramatic, very moody when she feels someone (anyone) isn't giving her enough attention (usually my dad, but that's another story - she's never worked a day in her life and doesn't understand that he might have to travel or stay late since he's the sole provider).

 

I think she's also going through menopause?

 

Could be menopause. How old is she? But you just described my mother again. She's always been high maintenance and just as you describe. When I read descriptions of narcissism AND bi-polar disease, I recognize a lot of my mother's traits.

 

Just keep doing your best. That's all you can do. And ignore all the drama/tantrums. That's what I've been doing with my mother. We get along for periods of time, until she has a new criticism/beef with me and then I basically stay away until we start talking again. But I realize your situation is different and that doesn't apply. Like I said, I have no answers for you. I just really feel for you and know what it's like.

[lora22]

Could be menopause. How old is she? But you just described my mother again. She's always been high maintenance and just as you describe. When I read descriptions of narcissism AND bi-polar disease, I recognize a lot of my mother's traits.

 

Just keep doing your best. That's all you can do. And ignore all the drama/tantrums. That's what I've been doing with my mother. We get along for periods of time, until she has a new criticism/beef with me and then I basically stay away until we start talking again. But I realize your situation is different and that doesn't apply. Like I said, I have no answers for you. I just really feel for you and know what it's like.

 

Thanks, it helps just knowing that someone else has this kind of issue too.

 

She's 50.

 

I've never looked at descriptions of bi-polar disease, but I have considered the narcissism thing. My grandmother is just like my mom times 100, and I see my mom getting more like her all the time. Thank goodness I take after my dad

 

My mom doesn't even criticize me (except occasionally in a passive aggressive way), because it's always about her.

[lora22]

No, maybe that's wrong. Because really, she was criticizing me when she threw her tantrum because I was working instead of helping her. She does stuff like that all the time. She won't actually say anything critical, it's her actions and "feelings" that imply it.

[Touche]

She's 50? Then, yep could be menopause. And I also could have written the same thing about my grandmother. She's a million times worse than my mother. But my mother is getting more and more like her.

 

The difference between your mom and mine is mine will come right out and insult me and be-little me and criticize me. She plays the victim card a lot, cries, etc. It makes me crazy. I know she's a very strong person when she wants to be.

 

Ugh...anyway, I'm not helping you by carping about my own mother, am I?

 

At least you're not escalating the situation. Were it me, I'd be asking her if she wanted me to leave and from there it would just get ugly.

[sally4sara]

If she is usually high drama then I doubt it has to do with the break.

That's good (not for you though! ); I got concerned that what you were describing needed medical attention!

[lora22]

Thanks for your responses! Venting helped a little. Knowing I'm not alone helped a little.

 

I just feel like there must be a little trick or secret to maintain my patience, or some insight into what she's going through that would help me be more sympathetic or something.

[SierraRose]

I had a broken ankle about 10 years ago. The pain was incredable, worse than childbirth. My mood was horrendous. I cried from pain, and so angry over the injury in general. I lost my independence, which had taken a major toll on my self esteem. Simple daily tasks were impossible. I can understand that aspect of your mother's injury;however, she needs to realiize the world doesn't stop around her because she is hurt.

I was married at the time (only 8 weeks!)and my ex-H still had to go to work although I was incapacitaited. He made a tray up for me everyday. A pitcher of hot water and tea bags, bowl of cereal, a cooler filled with enough food and water for the day. Maybe do that for Mom? She can have food delivered for dinner. Where there is a will, there is a way. Set boundries and stick to them. Good luck!

[lora22]

Thanks Sierrarose, it helps to hear the POV of someone who's broken a bone before, and I like your suggestion of how you and your husband dealt with your injury.