in-laws

[clairvoyant]

My husband and I got rid of our home phone in favor of a cell phones because we couldn't justify $30 a month for a few cents in local calls. Everytime my husband's family calls, they want something. We can't remember a time that they have called him to see how he was doing. One of his sisters thinks his cell phone number is a tech support hotline and the other calls only when she needs help with her homework. (They used to call him at work all the time. He put a stop to that for obvious reasons.) The sister that calls him for homework help also calls me when she needs help with homework. I get e-mail from her occasionally asking for homework help and she doesn't bother to ask how I am doing or anything. Does anyone have any suggestions as to how we can handle this situation. It's getting pretty annoying. We both think they are being rude.

[Ally Boo]

Well, first of all, have you brought this to their attention? Sometimes family members take for granted that they are family, and forget that social "rules" apply to them too. They may not realize that they are offending you.

[Tony T]

With caller ID, you can see who's calling...and if it's an abusive or user friend or relative, you don't have to answer the call.

 

Phones can be a real pain. In everything in life, do whatever you can to reduce the amount of frustration you have to endure. If that means getting rid of your home phone...terrific. Or you could get rid of some relatives if that seems easier.

[clairvoyant]

My husband has mentioned to his family that they only call when they want something. The only person that commented was one of his sisters. She told him that we are just complaining. (This was when she was calling to find out if he could order her a computer.) Anyway, since he has mentioned that it bothers us, nothing has changed.

We decided to stop answering our phones when they call; we let the voice mail to take care of it. We usually wait a day to call them back too.

[HokeyReligions]

Cell phones have an "off" button. My view on my own cell phone is that it is there for MY use. I don't even turn it on unless I need to make a call. But that is just my view.

 

That would be horribly annoying. I think I would be tempted to not take their calls, and instead invent things that I needed from them and only call them when to ask for something and NEVER ask about them at all. I would also refust to help them with anything. Sometimes just telling them isn't enough.

 

I tend to get a tad vindictive when I've asked people to stop doing something and explained it and they still insist on it. In the case of the sister's homework, I would be mean enough to give her bad information and help so that she gets wrong answers. Enough of that should teach her to leave you alone. At the very least I would keep a written record of calls and what they wanted and each month send the list, with a bill, to them. After all, cell phone minutes cost money.

 

Yeah, I know, but I've put up with enough crap in my life that when I turn the tables I spin 'em hard! I would NOT make a good diplomat - the stress would kill me.

[clairvoyant]

Luckily, the sister that always wants homework help, isn't calling us any longer. A few months ago, she misunderstood something I said to her and went off on me. She said some really mean things. I said nothing mean to her, even though I wanted to at times. She went on and on with her comments, and I finally told my husband about it. The conversations I had with her were handled through e-mail. I kept everything we sent to each other because I never trusted her in the first place. I showed everything to my husband, and he was very disappointed in her and angry at her. (I didn't mind showing him all the e-mails because I knew that I had done nothing wrong. I felt bad that the misunderstanding managed to upset her so much. I told her I was sorry several times. I didn't know what else to do.) He could tell by what was said that it was a misunderstanding, but she was so mad that she couldn't see it any other way than an attack on her. He contacted her via e-mail and explained to her that it was a misunderstanding. (She looked up to him when they were growing up, so we both figured that if anyone could get through to her, it would be him. He is 26 and she is 19.)

She responded to his e-mail with more nasty things about me. We were both very irritated that she felt it was acceptable to ever say anything bad about me to him. He told her just that and she, again, responded with more hateful comments. Her tone was not only hateful, but it was jealous. As one of my friends commented about her e-mail, "She seemed more like his jealous girlfriend than his sister." (That's exactly what I thought too. I'd post the whole message, but there is quite a bit of cussing I'd have to get rid of first.) Here is just one of the comments she made:

"maybe it is selfish of me b/c u love (insert my name here) more, but shxx (insert my husband's name here), don't just give it all to her. fxxxing realize that there is still me and others left that would like a little too. so just don't talk to me until thanksgiving, even then i won't talk to u or (insert my name here) that much. and get this, i don't care."

We felt like we had given her plenty of chances to redeem herself. Over and over she chose to respond with rude comments. She never apologized to either one of us, and we still haven't gotten over what she said. It is our feeling that because one of us happens to be related to her, it doesn't mean that she can say whatever she wants to us and we have to forgive her. We've decided to avoid her for awhile. Within a couple of months, we decided to start talking to her again via e-mail. We didn't initiate e-mail; we just responded to e-mail if she sent it to us.

I guess she thought that since we were sending her e-mail that we were over what happened. Two months ago, she called my husband's phone. He was outside and his phone was in the house on my desk. Then, my phone rang and soon after I was alerted that I had new voice mail. I listened to the voice mail. She called my phone looking for my husband. I couldn't believe it. She wanted to ask him if she could borrow *his* car. (The car was at his parents' house. He had a business meeting in Chicago and he drove one of their cars up there instead of our car. We hadn't had the chance to go back to his parents' house to switch cars yet. His sister was home on Christmas break. She has a car; she just wanted to drive our car for fun.) He called he back and told her that she could not use the car. He also told her to never call my phone looking for him unless it is an emergency. Lastly, he told her that the car is *ours*, not just *his*. He explained that she could have asked me to use the car as well. She didn't say much and they hung up. My husband and I were so irritated that after everything she said to us that she had the nerve to call and ask to borrow our car. Not only that, but the fact that she called my phone asking where he was. On top of that, she couldn't even ask me about the car.

A few weeks ago, she contacted both my husband and me via e-mail. She sent separate messages to each of us. She told both of us that she was going to have to come over to our house and have me help her with one of her subjects before her first test. In the message to my husband, she asked when *he* was going to come see her. (She's in college.)

He responded to her explained that *we* weren't planning on coming up there anytime soon. He told her that we still are not over what she said to us, so we are not comfortable being around her for long periods of time. He also addressed her obvious jealousy problem. You can probably guess how she responded….Yes, with more hateful comments. This time, she told us that we needed to "just get over it." She also told us that she didn't think was happened several months ago was ever a misunderstanding (i.e. we lied to her). At the end of the message she said she is over what happened and again told us to "get over it." It was pretty obvious from her ranting that she never did get over herself.

Anyway, after that particular e-mail, we have decided that we won't be talking to her again anytime soon. Her birthday was a week or two ago. We sent her a card and a gift because we felt that was the right thing to do. As far as contact goes with her, that's pretty much the end of it. On one hand, I'm relieved because she was causing us quite a bit of stress. On the other hand, I feel bad because she is my husband's sister.

[clairvoyant]

The sister(s) are the only people we have had to deal with in my husband's family over the years. His mother has also been a problem. My husband and I dated for almost seven years before we got married. (He is 26 and I am 23.) From the start, I felt very uncomfortable around his mom. It was clear from the conversations I had with his mom that we didn't, and still don't, have very much in common. She is concerned about material things and gossip, while I have very little use for either of the two. It has always been hard for me to talk to her because she is such a negative person. She could make just about anything nice into something less than desirable. I brought it up to my husband one day and he didn't think much of it at the time. He started paying closer attention to her and said that he agreed with me. He said that he guesses after living with her for so long, he just got used to it.

 

It's not just that we don't have much in common; I can mostly overlook that . She also ignores me much of the time. (My husband noticed this before I even said anything to him about it.) When I'd go over there, she'd talk to my husband, but really didn't say much to me. I'd talk to her and she'd answer me, but I always felt as though it was only because my husband is present. Since she never acted like she cared that I came over to her and her husband's house, I stopped going over there much. (My husband's dad wasn’t over home much when I went to their house. He's a farmer and was usually working.) If she doesn't act like she wants to get to know me, then why bother? That's kind of how I felt. I decided to go over there less. I'd go over there on holidays and a few times in between.

 

It has always bothered me because my family really likes my husband. Even before we were married, he was treated like part of the family. He was invited to eat out with and to go places with us. While he was part of my family, I felt distant from his. The whole seven years we dated, I was invited to eat with his family 6-7 times. They'd go places, but I was rarely invited. I obviously noticed this, my parents noticed this, and my husband/boyfriend at the time noticed it. I guess we should have said something, but we didn't until recently. When approached about it, his mom denied it and asked us to cite specific examples. She told me that she would start sending me e-mail informing me of what's going on, so that I don’t feel left out. That made me feel better, and I left it at that.

 

She sent my husband e-mail about a couple of months ago regarding a birthday party for his sisters. She also mentioned that her dad had a stroke. Even though she said she would mention stuff like that to me, she didn't do it. When my husband came home from work, he asked me if his mom sent me e-mail. I told him that she didn't; he and I were both annoyed. (I guess she recently got a new e-mail address too. The message she sent to my husband was from her new e-mail account. )

 

A week went by and we received some candy from my husband's parents for Valentine's Day. I still had not heard anything from his mom. We thought this would be a good time to address the issue. My husband sent Theresa e-mail thanking her for the candy. He mentioned that I would like to send her e-mail thanking her, but I didn't have her new address. He suggested that she send me e-mail, so I'd have her address. She never

replied to the message.

 

One of his sisters was having problems with her computer. Theresa and her husband decided to let her borrow their computer. Theresa had had plenty of time to respond to my husband's message before she and her husband loaned out their computer. Since their computer was gone, we knew for sure we weren't going to hear from her. My husband decided to call his mom and talk to her about why she hasn't informed me of stuff like she said she would. She told him that she doesn't use her address book. My address was on a slip of paper under the keyboard. She didn't find my address until after their computer was gone. Of course, my husband and I knew any answer she gave to him would be an excuse. If she couldn't find my address, why didn't she ask my husband for it? Why didn't she ask him to forward the message to me, so I'd feel included?

 

Saturday, I opened the mail box to find a letter from her addressed to me. She told me the same story she told my husband about why she never sent the e-mail to me.

I just don't understand her. I've tried to make his family feel included. I send the same stuff I send to my family to his family. I send his mom e-mail telling her what is going on with us and ask her how things are going on her end. Of the at least 20 e-mails I have sent her in the past few months, I have received a responds about 5 times. It's our feeling that when she thinks of my husband, she should also think of me. With that comes her sending me stuff she sends him. Not only are we married, but also we were together for about seven years before we got married. I just don't understand what her problem is.

 

Speaking of problems, the above is not the only problem we have had with her. I have one more that I am going to talk about because this post is long already….

 

The previous year at Christmas I was at his parents' house and I wasn't feeling very good. I thought I was going to get sick. I told my boyfriend at the time/husband now that I wasn't going to open up presents right then because I thought I was going to get sick. I didn't want to move any more than I had to. He told his family this. His mom and his dad started passing out presents. I told them that I wasn't going to open mine right then because I felt sick. (My boyfriend had already mentioned this, but I felt that I should tell them too.) Theresa said, "You have to open up our present!" (She said this in a nasty tone of voice.) I, again, explained to her that I didn't want to move any more than I had to at the moment. She just looked at me like I was either stupid or I was lying to her. I suddenly thought I was going to vomit. I got up and headed to the bathroom. I didn't bother to tell anyone where I was going because no one seemed to care that I was sick They just wanted to open up presents and I was slowing them down.

 

I sat in the bathroom on the floor waiting to throw up. I could hear one of my boyfriend's sisters say, "She isn't going to ruin our present opening." I was sick and she was making rude comments about me….A few more minutes passed and I didn't throw up, I realized that I wasn't sick; my blood sugar was low.

 

My boyfriend came into the bathroom. I told him that I didn't think I was actually sick. I told him that needed something to eat because my blood sugar was low. (I often don't realize that my blood sugar is low initially.) He got me some food and I was okay. I came out of the bathroom and explained what happened. I also told everyone that I was sorry that I left the room without an explanation. No one said anything to me, and I received no apologies about the comments they made or anything.

 

The situation was mentioned via e-mail to Theresa. She mentioned that she thought her daughter's comment was rude. She also said that she thought it was rude of me to leave the room. She said that I said I was sorry, but she didn't think it was necessary for anyone to apologize. (Well, I left the room because I thought I was going to get sick. I explained that to everyone.) She never once said she was sorry for her actions in the e-mail.

 

I can usually let things go. When someone treats me badly, it tends to irritate me. My husband is also very irritated at her. Neither of us is really sure what to do about her. We tell her when she does things that bother us, but she just doesn't seem to care because she just keeps on doing stuff.

[HokeyReligions]

It's our feeling that when she thinks of my husband, she should also think of me.

 

Why? You and your husband are separate people. Just because your family is more open or close-knit, or whatever, doesn't mean his should be too.

 

It seems like you are contradicting yourself. You and your husband have separate emails? Why? Why not have a joint email that his family can send to & receive from?

 

It seems (to me anyway) a little unreasonable to expect them to send the same information to two different emails to the same family (you & your husband). I mean, they know that he will tell you - you are finding out about everything. What differenced does it make if the information goes directly to him and not to you?

 

I think it's unrealistic to expect or want your husband's family to behave like yours. That puts your husband in a bad spot too - it's his family and I'm sure he loves them.

 

Rudeness and taking advantage are one thing, but getting bent out of shape over the emails & stuff like that because that's not how your family behaves is fruitless.

[clairvoyant]

"It's our feeling that when she thinks of my husband, she should also think of me."

 

What I meant by that was that I should be treated the way he is treated (and not as an outsider). Sure, we talk about what people send us via e-mail. So, I'd certainly find out what she said to him and vice versa. That's not the point, though. The point is that she said one thing and did another. This is a common behavior with her. (It's much less of an irritation than some of the other things she has done, but it's still annoying to a certain extent.)

 

I like your idea about having one e-mail address. Right now, my husband has his work address and I have mine. We have never thought to start up a Yahoo account, or something like that, to share. I think that would make things less complicated for everyone involved.

 

I appreciate your input.

[Kat]

My b/f's family is half like this. His sibling side. She rings him only when she wants something. However he loves her and will always be there for her. Some families accet the flaws of one another, others make it clear and tell the other member.

 

I am someone who tells my family exactly how I feel and how stupid they are being (when they are being stupid) however my b/f isn't and will love and not fight with his family until he dies.

 

[clairvoyant]

My husband and I set up a joint e-mail address last night.

[ThisGirlNameKD]

That was a good idea. I do agree somewhat with the other postings. To illustrate, my husband and my mother are pretty close. He'll get on the phone and call her whenever. On the flip side, I don't do that with his father and he doesn't understand why. Now there's nothing in the world (not that he's perfect) that I have against his father. I just have a different relationship with his father than he has with my mother. It's not going to be the same because we are two different individuals. So don't expect the way your family treats your husband, is the way his family should treat you. Yes they should treat you with consideration and respect, and unfortunately it doesn't seem like they've been doing that with you. This could be for several reasons:

 

1. They could be a very close knit family. Sometimes in very close knit families they feel like those that are not "blood related" are outsiders or infiltrators. There's a tendency to feel like the person on the outside is taking their relative away.

 

2. Although you two have been dating for 7 years before you got married, maybe YOU were not the one they wanted their relative to be with. Maybe they wanted him to be with someone else, and they resent you for that. Which kind of ties in with the last point

 

3. There could be a background clash here. For instance, maybe you came from an affluent family and they're not or maybe they are affluent and you weren't, maybe you look a certain way that they don't like, maybe you're of a different race or a different class or educational back ground that's different from them.

 

Whatever the problem is I do think it needs to be addressed. Your relationship with them may never grow to the point where you are extremely close, but as your husband's wife, they do have the right to address you and treat you with consideration and respect.

[clairvoyant]

Hey, ThisGirlNameKD...Thanks for your responds. Here are some comments...

 

 

ThisGirlNameKD:

 

"It's not going to be the same because we are two different individuals. So don't expect the way your family treats your husband, is the way his family should treat you. "

 

 

My family treats my husband with respect, which is how I'd like to be treated by his family. My family feels that if my husband is good enough for me, then he is good enough for them. I'd like his family to have that same attitude with me. I'm not sure that will ever happen. I'm just saying that it would be nice if they would.

 

 

 

ThisGirlNameKD:

 

"1. They could be a very close knit family. Sometimes in very close knit families they feel like those that are not "blood related" are outsiders or infiltrators. There's a tendency to feel like the person on the outside is taking their relative away."

 

Yeah, I'm sure his sister feels that way. To a certain extent, I think his mom feels that way too.

 

 

 

ThisGirlNameKD:

 

"2. Although you two have been dating for 7 years before you got married, maybe YOU were not the one they wanted their relative to be with. Maybe they wanted him to be with someone else, and they resent you for that."

 

They'd probably treat anyone he married like they treat me. (I keep telling myself that when they do rude stuff. It usually makes me feel better.)

 

 

 

ThisGirlNameKD:

 

"3. There could be a background clash here. For instance, maybe you came from an affluent family and they're not or maybe they are affluent and you weren't, maybe you look a certain way that they don't like, maybe you're of a different race or a different class or educational back ground that's different from them."

 

Our race is the same. My family is middle class, and his is upper-middle class.

 

As far as education goes, both of my parents have a high school education. My brother and I both have BS degrees, and I am currently applying to grad school. My husband has just about finished his BS degree, and will move on to grad school as well. His dad has a BS degree, and his mom has a high school education. One of his sisters is working on a BS degree, while the other already has hers and is seeking employment. (My husband is the oldest child of three in his family, while I am the youngest of two in mine.)

 

I know Theresa, my husband's mom, is self-concious about not having a college degree. She's told my husband that she's afraid he isn't proud of her because she doesn't have a college degree. Of course that's not the case, and he told her that.

 

 

 

I'm not sure if this is relevant or not...There were some problems surrounding our choice of receptions. My husband and I decided to have a small wedding and reception. We wanted to pay for it ourselves, so we had to have small wedding and reception in order to do that. That was fine with us because we are private people. We wouldn't have been comfortable with a large wedding, or even a medium sized one.

 

When we announced our engagement and wedding date, his mom picked up the phone to tell her sister in Arizona to keep the date open. My husband told her that we were going to have a small wedding. That meant we were going to invite immediate family and a couple of friends. She was obviously disappointed. We both felt bad for her, but soon got over it because we were so excited about getting married.

 

My husband is Catholic. I didn't want to have to go through the classes, or whatever it is you have to do if you aren't Catholic. (We looked into all that at one point, but I don't remember off hand what it entails.) I would have done it if my husband wanted me too, but he didn't care either way. So, I didn't do the classes, and we eventually decided to have our wedding at location other than a church. We found a bed and breakfast about 40 minutes from where we lived, and decided to have the wedding there. (My husband had his own house and I was still living with my parents.)

 

The bed and breakfast was small. It would only hold about 25 people. Since we didn't want to have a large reception, we decided to hold the reception at the bed and breakfast as well. That didn't make his mom too happy. At first, she said they'd pay for a large reception somewhere else. We told her we didn't want a large reception. Later on, she suggested that we have a large reception after we got back from the honeymoon. While we thought it was nice of her to offer to pay for the reception, we didn't want a large reception in the first place. We told her thanks for the offer, but that we wanted to keep things small.

 

Then, she decided to call my mom and talk to her about having a large reception after the honeymoon. (My mom had mentioned having a reception after the honeymoon to us previously. We told her how we felt and she understood. We didn't hear about the subject any more from her until Theresa's call.) Well, as I said, Theresa called my mom and talked to her about having a large reception. I guess she was trying to sell my mom on the idea, so she'd then relay the idea to me. My mom told Theresa that she had mentioned it to us, and that we didn't want to do it. Theresa kept going on about how good of an idea it would be. My mom told her she'd mention it to us to make Theresa happy.

 

When the wedding date rolled around, we did what we had planned on doing from the beginning. We had the wedding and reception at the bed and breakfast. Again, we felt bad for disappointing his mom. We also felt that people should respect our wishes, as it was our wedding.

 

I don't if some of this plays a role in Theresa's feelings or not. She ignored me from the beginning of the relationship, so I know it's not the cause....

 

Any other thoughts?

 

[ThisGirlNameKD]

Is your husband the only boy in the family? Did your boyfriend have any other girlfriends before you, and if he did, how did his parents treat them?

[clairvoyant]

Yep, he's the only boy. No, he didn't have any other girlfriends before me.

[radgirl]

I can just totally relate to clairvoyant's issues with in-laws!!!

 

You are not alone! However, from your posts you do have one advantage, your husband is supportive of the whole thing. Mine is now, but it took several years.........

 

This Theresa sounds like a real character. Your story about trying to manipulate your mother into having some big reception behind your back topped it for me.

 

IT sounds like you and your husband have a great relationship. I wouldn't give any thought to Theresa's actions. That is what I have learned to do over 8 years and wished I had figured it out sooner.

 

The bottom line is you can't change them. I have learned to limit my contact with mine. Mine laso tried to manipulate things for our wedding so that they would be the center of attention. They live in Europe and we live in Tennessee, and spent all of our vaction time last year coordinating a trip to see them. This year we went to Milwaukee where my folks live for three days over my break from school. His mother hit the ceiling, asking why we were even going to see my family, as they aren't high class and European.

 

I have learned to take these things in stride. My husband is a great guy and everything else is great, so sometiems you just need to laugh it off. I mean, Theresa sounds like she made an idiot of herself with the wedding reception, as I am sure your family was not impressed.

 

Anyways, I hope this helps. I am glad I found this board. As much as I tell myself to forget my mother-in-law, it is so great to vent once in a while.........