25th June 2009, 12:58 PM
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Toronto, ON
Hi simonede, and welcome to LS!
You are asking valid questions, and this is an issue that I've also dealt with.
The tendency is to look at our mom or dad, where we can clearly see what are their issues, what they need change, and what they need to do to "fix" our current feelings of hurt, disappointment, engulfment, rejection, etc., that we are blaming on them.
For the person who is lacking/wanting understanding, comfort, love, etc., looking for others to change or do/say something that will bring relief is not the most effective way to go about it, though.
In therapy, I learned to turn those questions to my Self. What do *I* need to change to be okay with my past experiences, and to forgive my mom and accept her EXACTLY for who she is and how she's done her life? How can I heal my own pain?
I used to expect my mom to be able to help me, to "see the error of her ways" and how her actions had negatively impacted me. But. Unreasonable expectation, is all that is. They don't have the insights, self-awareness or emotional fluency. They did the best that they knew how to do...and they are still doing that. Even if WE think their "best" is piss-poor, it's still their best and that they're operating from fears and unresolved emotional wounds of their own.
Mostly, it is about changing our own perception. As adults, we are 100% responsible for our own beliefs, thoughts, feelings and fears; for healing our own pain and releasing our own blame and anger. *WE* have to fix those things for ourselves, we have to somehow find a way to do that. Through therapy or faith/spiritual-based counseling, or something.
It's difficult. I struggle with it. I have to remind myself that my mom did the best she could, given whatever her own limitation, shortcomings, fears and pain. The same as you, the same as me. Our parents are only human, too.
How your mom is able to forgive herself and move forward is her business. How you are going to be able to forgive your mom, resolve your emotional wounds, and move forward with your own life...that is your business. I found therapy extremely beneficial.
Sending hugs and Healing.
"Good or benign intentions do not provide a defence." ~ Tony Wong, Reporter