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my parents are to disown me!


mistletoe

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That fine morning, my dad urgently said he and my mum needed to speak to me because God had given him a strong warning that I should leave whoever I'm seeing or there will be a terrible disaster.

 

This gave me no choice of revealing my long relationship with my muslim bf.

For if I didnt and told them that he was only a friend, they would see it was easier to sever all contact with him and placed close scrutiny that i do not contact him.

i'm christian btw. and my parents went through a hell lot of chaos in the house, threatening to disown me if i married him. however, they mentioned that they will disown neither of my siblings and i if we were to marry non-christians(all other religions other than Islam), but they still will not attend our weddings. (my siblings are dating non-christians from other religions)

they even went to the extend of kneeling down to my bf and I and begged him to leave me, in fact, they gave us neither choice.

 

#1 if i decide to continue my relationship, i will have to leave the house. and they will no longer acknowledge me as daughter.

 

#2 if i decide not to continue, they will be hallelujah-ing will great rejoice, dancing with the music of the church bells but I will regret this for life.

 

After the long 4 hours of mess in the house, my bf was greatly shocked to much tears by the whole event. He decided to tell my parents he will end it. But later on, we still decided that we should see one another in secret.

 

I am prepared to face my parents disowning me in the future, but I'm just afraid I might have made the wrong choice and I fear that what God had told me Dad might be true in future. Please help! :(

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Hugs, mistletoe.

I understand your anxiety that you don't want to be held responsible for some untold "terrible disaster" in the future.

I would suggest that you seek some form of spiritual or faith-based guidance, on your own and perhaps your b/f will also want to go with you. You might even decide to find out the views of both a pastor/priest AND an Imam.

 

In Truth and Reality, love isn't some type of magic/curse/voodoo-thing. Love doesn't have the power/control to manifest "terrible disasters".

In any case, it depends on one's definition of a "terrible disaster", doesn't it? Accidents, illnesses and death are a NATURAL part of life, as are earthquakes, tsunamis, famine, floods, etc.

 

No matter who you love, you will not actually be responsible for any of those types of events. Even if your parents think or tell you that you are, you won't be.

Perhaps this is also about you getting clearer and firmer in your own belief system which, again, some faith/spiritual counseling can assist with that part of your journey.

 

God bless.

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I know this is hard for you - having to choose between your love and your parents. I do not know what I'd do if I were in a situation like yours.

 

I don't really have an advice just want you to know that whatever decision you make, it will not be your fault if there should be any terrible disaster occurs!

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Citizen Erased

How old are you mistletoe?

 

If you think he is worth it, if he is a good man and you have a good relationship, I say let them disown you. No decent parents would make you choose. And to try to use God as a means of convincing you to break up...despicable. :rolleyes:

 

But I say this as someone that isn't tied strongly to her family. If your family is something you cannot live without...well you have to decide which one is more important to you. Unfair though it may be.

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thanks very much all of u for these valuable comments:)

i just called my bf to tell him what each of u have told me. i really appreciate all your time you took to type your comments down:)

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I was not raised with religion, so I do not understand much of it when people discuss it. I don't think it's bad, per se, so many people find comfort from it, but I also see it so often used as a way to control people, usually with fear.

 

I truly think it is an incredibly selfish thing for your parents to do to you. Sure, parents should feel free to tell their children if they feel a partnership is unwise, particularly if the partner has "problems" (such as drugs or gambling issues), but if this is simply because of the religion aspect, it seems to me they are being incredibly narrow minded. How very unfair to judge someone's quality because of their religion.

 

I'm so sorry you have been given this ultimatum. Neither avenue will make you completely happy, and you shouldn't be put in that position in the first place.

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No doubt I do have my fears about where this relationship might head to..just as any unmarried couple will have. But I'm sure that I do love him, just as I love God and my parents. I understand that anything might happen along the way. I believe every couple knows the possibility of divorce, seperation etc. But then again, it does not mean that marrying a Christian (someone of similar faith to you) will guarantee that none of such can happen.

 

My relationship with God is only between me and Him, not my partner nor my parents. I still speak to Him daily in my thoughts. I'm sure every child loves his/her family, my parents just cannot be controlling everything, including my love life. :from my perspective.

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Trialbyfire

As someone who's very close to her parents who are still practicing, even though I've fallen away, if they ever, ever tried that kind of emotional manipulation on me, I would disown them.

 

The original premise of Christianity, isn't even close to what your parents are pulling on you. Ask them where they learned their intolerance and lies from. You can bet it wasn't from the Bible. :mad:

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Your parents are there for you till they die.

 

Uh, that doesn't sound so much like the message they are sending her:

 

if i decide to continue my relationship, i will have to leave the house. and they will no longer acknowledge me as daughter.
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Even if I lost my mind, I could never pull the 'disownment' card on my kids because they are too smart! Our kids would simply tell us to get over ourselves and get on with their lives! So, if you find love, follow it. Each belief, if practised well can transform, guide and comfort beyond the pettiness displayed by humans.

 

Take care,

Eve xx

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I dont think any of what my parents have said to me were only a threat. i know my dad so well that he would actually do it.He was ready to publish the matter of him disowning me in the next day's Newspaper if we hadn't lied about ending it (when we couldn't take the trauma further). I am very stubborn about continuing this relationship because I know we are meant for each other lest we will regret.

 

If i continued this relationship open to them, I probably would have been left on the streets today or living in some welfare home. I know my parents will carry out their plans. They always honor their word. I wont be able to tell it to them till I finish my uni perhaps, which I would then be able to provide for myself.

 

It is just that I might just have to live in guilt for now, for keeping this from them or I might suffer from a massive downfall. My future ahead is quite so vivid I fear the most out of it:(

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*Eve wonders if this is a genuine post. In some ways the avatar picture thing etc all looks rather suspect*

 

Take care,

Eve xx

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I'm sorry Eve, what do you mean by this? i am really going through all these, and i just need some advice on this matter:( of course, if you have any hard comments you have to post, i will still read it and appreciate it alot. i have a whole week of tests the coming week, and this is affecting me much. It just makes it so hard to face my family now, with the thought that i might be separate from them in future.

i just hoped that we(my bf and i) might feel better perhaps if we hear what others feel about this. we really appreciate your all your voices and support and ask for nothing more than listening and commenting if need be.

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Are you prepared to convert to Islam? It's a very real possibility. Also, how do you resolve the conflict between your love for your non-Christian boyfriend and the idea that, according to your beliefs, you will be eternally separated with him being tormented in Hell?

 

Cheers,

D.

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Freud advised that the only true way to grow up was to metaphorically 'kill' your parents. He didn't mean literally, but to be a more developed individual you must be prepared to remove the undue influence that your parents have over you. If these were not your parents and they were threatening to disown you over your choice, you would feel confident enough I think to tell them to go to hell. Your parents are using their influence on you to affect your decision in the most dispicable manner possible to justify their own thwarted and bigoted worldview.

 

IMO this incident shows that they are no smarter, nor closer to god than you are, and you should allow them to disown you, regardless of what happens with your boyfriend.

 

As a side, and in part repsonse to disgracian's comments, has this not shown you the ills of religion, any religion ?. Why don't BOTH you and your boyfriend totally grow up and abandon all religion, live together as people and throw away the 'clothing' of organised religion.

 

Good luck whatever you decide.

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to wuggle: Either way,if we marry and abandon all religion or if he converts, he will be despised and ridiculed by the Muslim community and his family will probably react the same way as mine did.

 

to disgracian: no i'm definitely not ready to face the fact that i will be tormented in hell (i do still have a strong belief in that) and I just don't know how to face conversion. I remembered i told my partner that I might just convert because of him, for this relationship. there're too many things just weighing my decision down but i can't let go of him.

 

to kikiw,trialbyfire, wuggle, trimmer:

you see, in my parents' points of view, they see it as humble servants carrying out their duties to tell me the word of God: that God said NOT to be unequally yoked and not to carrying on, lest "it will lead to a road of destruction" and they're warning me, from the power of the Holy spirit. I cannot say they are wrong in this because if GOD really spoke to them, I'll be putting God to question and doubting him, which I definitely cannot say that God is Wrong. they even told me stories about the bible(if you know these) King Jehoshaphat and King Ahab and King Solomon, how their sins came upon them and God took their lives away. I had nothing to say then:(

 

creeks: i understand the point ure getting at,thats why its troubling me that i'll lose my family. before monday morning, i was the closest child to them, the noisiest and happiest thing in the house. but now i feel a blanket of silence has come upon me.

 

to all:i really appreciate everything, even the time u took for reading this.

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whichwayisup

Take abit of time to really think things through.

 

How do his parents feel about you? Are you OK with his religion? Could you and would you convert if he asked you to? Think ahead 3,5, 10 years... Do you think your family is just overreacting now and maybe later they would learn to accept your bf?

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whichwayisup

This isn't just about you loving him and him loving you. It's two different backgrounds, religion and family..Friends,all of it.

 

I'm not sure if telling your folks it's over and then sneaking off is the right way of handling it.

 

Obviously there's NO WAY your parents will actually sit and listen to you?? Or if you told them there's no plans on marriage, but it's just a relationship, would they allow that?

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Mistletoe, my BF is Christian and I'm Islam. I think I mentioned that in one of my posts. The only difference is that my family are okay with him being Christian and vice versa although it is HIS decision in wanting to convert because he read a lot on Islam and also, have a number of Muslim friends where he is from.

 

No one can make you convert if you do not want to and neither can your BF. Personally, I feel that your parents will come to their senses given time. I think they are just afraid of losing you to the religion - some people have twisted perspective of Islam etc.

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Mistletoe, I feel that they will lose respect for you and disown you. I also feel that eventually you will lose respect for yourself.

 

That's a way to help her out.

 

:rolleyes:

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Unlike you, at least I don't give her false hope and fantasy. I tell her the realistic expectation of reality.

 

I'm not giving her false hope. I'm telling her to give a good thought before she makes a decision. Parents can surprise us, sometimes. Who knows they could talk to them with more time... you just never know with things like this.

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All I see are two people who would like to be given the chance to be in love. I am not going to say whether it will work out in the end, but I can say that it is a rare gift to truly feel a strong connection with another human being. Why must someone else's opinion/religion dictate who someone can form an attachment to?

 

What is so sinful about loving someone of another religion? I was under the impression that most religions teach tolerance and understanding (of course, I also get the impression that the majority of that is just for show, when it comes right down to it, many are simply "it's my way or the highway," amirite? and how can a religion that preaches tolerance yet practices otherwise be taken seriously?)

 

I am digressing. Your parents still hold sway over you because you are still young and not long ago they had every right to tell you what to do. It can be easy to fall back on it and let them tell you how to live your life. It takes a strong, brave heart to say "I need to make my own mistakes." - you will make many in your life, have no doubt. But it takes an equally strong and brave heart for a parent to allow their child to make their own mistakes.

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to disgracian: no i'm definitely not ready to face the fact that i will be tormented in hell

I was actually referring to his eternal torment according to your religion, but in this case it probably goes both ways (though Islam is a little more inclusive than Christianity and Hell is not eternal, so there's that).

I remembered i told my partner that I might just convert because of him, for this relationship. there're too many things just weighing my decision down but i can't let go of him.

That's an alarm bell, make no mistake. I would presume that you believe what you believe because, well, you actually believe it's real and true. If you converted for any other reason, wouldn't there be a nagging voice in the back of your head reminding you that you don't really believe in Islam? My experience with people (as well as myself) is that you can try this and it might even work for a while, but you will revert to your original beliefs.

I cannot say they are wrong in this because if GOD really spoke to them, I'll be putting God to question and doubting him, which I definitely cannot say that God is Wrong.

Listening to people who claim that god speaks to them is a risky business. If you believe that god speaks to anybody, then let him speak to you directly (after all, that's supposedly how it happens now: Jesus did away with having officially appointed middlemen between the common believer and god); don't base decisions off what other people claim.

they even told me stories about the bible(if you know these) King Jehoshaphat and King Ahab and King Solomon, how their sins came upon them and God took their lives away. I had nothing to say then:(

Read these stories for yourself and see if that's what they are actually saying, or even if they have any relevance at all to your situation.

 

Cheers,

D.

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Looking at this rationally, if your dad's asking you to make decisions based on a voice in his head, you're better off leaving anyway.

 

Spiritually speaking, the God I've come to know doesn't smite people for finding love. I think the greater crime is not to love out of fear.

 

However you see it, I wish you luck.

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