Stuck in the Middle: Mom or My Boyfriend?

[ShyK]

I'm going to bring you all up to speed: My boyfriend and I have been dating for over a year and a half now. We began dating after I ended a very heartbreaking 8 year relationship. We started off as friends but quickly fell in love. At the time, he was a real estate entrepreneur who was sort of down on his luck considering the housing market wasn't doing well. However, I didn't care about that. I told my mom about him and she immediately questioned his financial stability. To her, he didn't have a job. So that was the 1st thing she attempted to drill in my head about him. Funny thing about that, my mom's an entrepreneur too! She also accused him of not speaking to her on a couple occasions that we visited her house. Good grief! I began to believe she just didn't like him. Eventually after a few months, "his instability" started to have an affect on our relationship. Of course that thrilled my mom and gave her reason to say "I told you so." He and I argued continuously because I work full time and was in school but his real estate business wasn't showing any return. I would never interfere with a man's dream but I felt that he should have done something else until his business picked up again.

 

Well as months went on we continued to argue and make up. Things got a bit worst and he called me a bi*ch on 3 occasions and a couple of other words. As an attempt to gain forgiveness from both me and my mother, he called to apologize. Somehow, the conversation he had with my mother veered in a totally different direction. Long story short here's what happened: I briefly stopped seeing my boyfriend December of last year. I went on a couple of dates with another guy who was going through a divorce. I never lied to my boyfriend about anything so I told him about it. Somehow that came up in the convo that he had with my mom (while he was only suppose to apologize). She didn't know that the guy I went out with was even married. Anyway, he assumed and accused me of sleeping with this man and he got into a biblical aspect of it with my mom. He said something regarding the bible, divorce, and a woman's menstrual cycle. ??? Yeah I know it sounds bad. I really don't remember this subject in the bible but if you do please fill me in. Nevertheless, I agree that he was totally out of line to discuss such with my mother. But for her to lose all respect for him was a bit extreme. He's human! He really hurts behind my family not liking him. Because of what took place with he and my mom, I didn't see my mom for the first time during the holidays. I felt torn apart. She says right to this day that he's not welcome in her home. She even told family about him which has caused them to have a biased opinion.

 

I wish I never confided in my mom because she took the negatives about my relationship and used it against me.

 

My boyfriend and I are still trying to work it out. Things are much much better between us now. We're even talking marriage. However, my mom and stepdad still hates him. She mentioned to me today that she just doesn't trust him and to watch my surroundings. I have a cold and she told to me throw away my meds implying that he would put something in it. That's BANANAS! I know that he sincerely loves me. He shows it. We have problems like any other couple! I also know that my mom is thinking of what's in my best interest. I shouldn't want to have to choose. If he and I don't work out, I don't want it to be because of my mom. PLEASE HELP!!! WHAT DO I DO???

[Dexter Morgan]

when in doubt, listen to your parents. I would have saved myself so many years and pain if I had listened to my mother!!!

 

She is right to be concerned about him, for nothing else for calling your mom a b!tch. I don't care how bad things are, if i think I have a future with a woman, the last thing I'm going to do is call her mother a b!tch, or anything else, whether to my gf or to her mom.

there are some things that simply can't be taken back.

 

 

your mother is looking out for you....I'd say listen to her.

 

I wish I never confided in my mom because she took the negatives about my relationship and used it against me.

 

used it against you? or used it to save you? for god's sake, he called her a b!tch? How is that opinion of your mother by him change?

 

lets say you have a daughter, and her bf calls you a b!tch, C, ho, whatever...how would you welcome that man into your house after that?

If a man doesn't respect your parents, he doesnt' respect you.

 

If a woman told me my mother is a b!tch, you better believe she'd be escorted to the door most expiditiously. no way I can have a future with someone that has that view of my flesh and blood.

[Dawkins]

I agree with Dexter.

 

I am not sure what your mother sees so wrong with him, but when I read YOUR own words, you paint a picture that shows me that you already see all that is wrong with him.

 

You are just choosing to ignore what you see.

 

A relationship takes much more than "love" whatever that means to you or him. And without respect, love soon disappears.

 

Stand back and reread what YOU wrote and pretend that was written by your future daughter, a close friend, or even a stranger here on LS. What would you tell that person...based only on the words written?

[doushenka]

They're both nuts! Pick yourself.

[Angel1111]

Although I disagree with your mom's tactics, she apparently picked up on this guy's bad character right from the start. And, yes, it is a big deal if a guy doesn't speak to, or acknowledge, someone in your family - or anyone else, for that matter. It speaks of very bad manners and this is only the beginning of the downslide. Don't make excuses for him. It's not important that he doesn't have money right now, but it IS important that he be capable of, and willing to, make money - and that's he's generous to you. Most guys will do other things if they're not making money - another strike against him, and it obviously bugs you (with good reason).

 

Aside from all of those things, the biggest red flag here is that he called you a bitch - 3 times. I'm wondering why you're ok with this. Your general rule of thumb should be that if a man calls you a bitch (or any other disrespectful name), you need to walk away from him for good. That may seem extreme but it's not. Name calling - even when angry - is a very bad sign.

 

If you ever wondered how all those people get into such bad marriages - take a hard look at your situation. All of the things you're talking about with this guy is exactly the place where people start out just before going down that 'lousy marriage' road. They rationalize, they excuse, they become nicely tolerant. Your mother sees the future as though it were painted before her, and she's making demands and making things difficult because she's so scared for you. As I said, I don't agree with what she's doing but she may calm down if you talk to her and if she feels that at least you're listening and not just diving into something that has red flags all over it.

 

Here's the general rule - whatever problems you have before you're married, multiply them by 5 and that's probably what they'll be like. That's why when you accept someone into your life who's behavior is on the borderline of being a dealbreaker, it spills over the line after marriage and then it becomes a dealbreaker. Learn to spot 'dealbreaker' behavior without having to go through a divorce. They're gut-wrenching.

 

I hope you think about this relationship long and hard before you make any permanent decision. And even though you may not be ready to leave him, I beg you not to marry him. I'm pretty certain that you will be sorry.

[SierraRose]

I am almost 40 years old and I hate to admit it, but Momma knows best.