my mother

[seangp]

sorry if the following is messy but i'm in a rush and i've been meaning to do this for some time.

 

i've talked to my girlfriend many times about the issue because my mom even annoys her. but i would like an outside opinion from an unbiased source such as you guys.

 

the issue is i think i hate my mom.

 

i got a job to help support myself, but they cut back severly on hours. im trying to get another job hoping to at least work 20 hours a week. my mom tells me every day i need to get a job. i already have one and i'm trying to find one. she knows this...

oh yeah, she doesn't work and uses my step dad's money to do whatever she wants.

 

my parents bought a house in florida. she now regularly goes there because she loves disney world. im left at home and the dogs wake me up at 4 in the morning. when school was still in, i was miserable. i had to drive in and risk getting detention several times. i told her how much it sucked yet she said i needed to learn responsibility. that's not responsibility, that's just bull****.

 

my room is pretty messy at the moment and it really annoys me. i'd love to clean it but i'm a very independent person. everyday (no exaggeration) she tells me to and gives me some bull**** ultimatum that if i don't do it some horrible event will happen to me. i know you're probably thinking "grow up" and just clean your room. but you know what? when your mother tells you "clean your damn room or i'm going to do it and you won't like that" three times a day... the fun of cleaning just isn't there anymore. i told her several times that i would love to clean it but i don't like being told what to do. immature i know...i think it's rational. she thinks my excuse is total bull**** and nothing annoys me more than that.

 

lastly. whenever i do try and make things better i talk to her, but to literally every sentence that comes out of my mouth, she replies with , "WHAT?" i'm sorry if i'm a littttttttle annoyed at having to say everything twice. once she hears me she asks irrelevant questions about the topic to try and start conversation and "bond." no, put in some real effort and maybe it will work. worst of all, is when she comes back from places like florida. IMMEDIATELY as she walks in the door she starts shouting "DIDN'T YA MISS ME SEAN? I BET YOU DID." several times. don't guilt me into missing you because it won't work.

 

i'm pretty pissed as you can tell. haha. i'm just asking for your analysis on the situation.

thanks.

[2sure]

"clean your damn room or i'm going to do it and you won't like that" three times a day...

 

I used to have the same kind of relationship with my daughter. Even said the same thing about cleaning her room - a million times. Hated that. I am happy to report that it passed rather quickly. We get along great . She is 13 now.

[seangp]

i can only hope. though i am 18 and getting ready to go to college haha.

 

my reason for posting here is that, as i've said my girlfriend feels the same way as i do. i just don't want to continue to talk her ear off about it. also, there's nothing wrong with some outside opinion.

[Ronni_W]

Hey Sean.

I totally get how your mom is triggering your "inner rebel" when she keeps bugging you about your room, and job, and whatever else she can thing to bug you about.

 

Here's the deal, though: Piss-poor as it is, she's doing the best she can. Either she learned how to do this from her own parents, or they were EVEN WORSE and she thinks she's doing "so much better" than them.

 

Now, here's you: "I'm not doing it just cos my mom told me to do it!"

Hello? Anybody home? Cos doesn't that just sound like some 3-year old throwing a tantrum? I can almost picture you stomping your little feet and thumping your little fists.

 

If YOU value a peaceful and harmonious living environment, then you would be cleaning up your room (and whatever other area of the house) in order to support YOUR OWN values and preferences.

And, if that is something that you value, then you are not being true to yourself by not doing it. You are living without integrity because you are not upholding YOUR OWN values and standards, which have nothing to do with your mom (or teacher, or boss) telling you what to do.

 

Yeah, totally -- your mom's parenting skills suck the big one. But are you going to let that get in the way of you being true to you? Are you going to use her as an example of what not to do when you have kids? Is she role-modeling for you how important self-awareness, personal growth, healthy, positive life, coping and parenting skills are?

 

You CAN learn from your mom, even if it is how NOT to do your own life, yes?

Your girlfriend's opinions, feelings and observations have nothing to do with what you're going to take away from your experience of your mom, or if/when you are going to start to live up to, and hold yourself accountable for, YOUR OWN values, principles and standards.

 

You can do better FOR YOURSELF, IMO. You sound intelligent and sensitive enough to be able to take better care of you.

Hugs and good luck.

[quankanne]

I can see how you're annoyed by someone you feel should be acting/behaving better than they are, but honey, you're going to have to face the fact that you cannot change that person, only yourself.

 

my advice? Try a little harder. Sure, you shouldn't *have* to, but in all honesty, what are you going to lose?

 

clean your room. Not because she says to, but because you understand that practicing cleanliness is a smart thing and it accomplishes something positive ... in this case, it gets your mother off your back and you don't have to listen to her nagging. And if you make it a habit, you're developing a positive trait. You also move past that rebellious brat stage you seem to want to be wallowing in, and that is NOT in your best interest as a young adult.

 

the job thing. Get out of that snit you're in, sit down with her for a serious conversation and explain that, yes, you're looking for work but you feel as if she's harping you every time she carries on with the "find a job" bit – that it only adds more stress to the situation. If you clearly spell it out, there's a good chance she'll comprehend what you're saying. If you merely kvetch about how awful she is ... well, you're just shooting yourself in the foot.

 

as for the other thing, having to deal with caring for the house while she's gone, let her know in a kind – but firm – manner that the dogs were causing a problem by their behavior at an hour when you needed to be getting sleep because of your commitments. Then invite her to help you come up with a solution that works for both of you.

 

I think there are things the both of you can do to help improve the communication between y'all, but YOU have to be willing to go the distance at times, even if you'd rather pout and whine about how awful she is. I highly doubt it's as bad as you make it out to be – you're angry, and anger always magnifies a situation (been there, done that, and plot to kill my husband somedays) ...

 

part of the maturation process is to step aside from your peevishness or anger or hurt, and find answers to those issues.

 

you're in a bad spot right now, between depending on your mother to help meet certain needs and wanting to fly on your own. Approach it with the right frame of mind, and about 80 percent of your "problems" will dissipate, because you've chosen to address them in a different manner.

 

as for pulling your girlfriend in, not a smart move. One day, things are going to be better between you and your mom, but your girl is going to be stuck at the "I hate her bcause she's evil" stage, and that's not being fair to her. If you care about this girl, you need to explain that you're frustrated about the situation, because otherwise, you're doing that girl wrong.

[2sure]

Sean

 

18 is a tough age. You are grown, yet still not independent. It can be a frustrating time for both parents and the "kids."

 

Your mother may always speak to you like you are a child. The upside to that is you will always be somebody's baby. (*eventually you will appreciate this.)

 

On the other hand it sounds like BOTH you and your Mom are sick and tired of repeating yourselves. And to be honest - if my daughter had not stepped up to the plate at 13....by 18 I would be at the end of my rope.

 

Sean - clean your damn room. Its time. It doesnt matter a bit if her nagging makes it no fun. Its your room. Its in your mother's house. Clean it. Period. THATS why she is frustrated. If you cannot keep your room clean, even if you dont want to - how must she feel about your ability to hold a job you might not like and just in general take care of yourself in the future.

 

As to your girlfriends opinion regarding this subject. Meaningless. Trust me, if you were living with your girlfriend she would be nagging you about the same things your mother is.

[GorillaTheater]

Trust me, if you were living with your girlfriend she would be nagging you about the same things your mother is.

 

This is rock-solid truth, Sean.

[seangp]

thank you everyone for the constructive responses. again, i don't have much time right now but i will review them a little more in depth later tonight.

 

again, thanks a lot.