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BlackLovely

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BlackLovely

I feel like such an idiot writing this. I know that I'm an adult and my mother's comments and behavior shouldn't bother me, but they still do. I know, I'm a suck.

I grew up with every material thing and married parents, yet my mother was physically and emotionally abusive. One example would be that I used a spoon that was too small, while she was forcing me to learn how to cook so that I could be a good wife. (None of my brothers were ever forced to cook) She hit me in the face with it. She was also not above calling me names such as "whore" "****ing idiot" and also "black and ugly". We are a black family, but my skin is darker than hers.

My youngest brother never received any of this treatment. I was always compared unfavorably to him. A few years ago, she told me that my eldest bro (who is a lawyer who does whatever she wants) and my youngest are her two "best kids":( I have a brother that lives in New York as well; he and I are **** to her I guess.

I suffer from severe mood issues that landed me in the hospital years ago. I'm doing much better today although I will need to be on meds for the rest of my life. The therapists I saw always said that my mother caused my mood problems.

I'm getting married to a man that I feel is my karmic reward for all the sadness I've had.:D My mother is being very sweet to me suddenly...she says she loves me and that I will never know how much she does. "It's just that your brother is the youngest and I have a special love for him because he's my baby" I think it's a crock of ****...any mother that can give dinner to the person that molested her daughter should be shot. I only have contact with her because of my father; he has always treated me well.

My questions are these: 1. Why the sudden lovely words from my Mom?

2. How can I ever get over all this? I try not to think about it, but it haunts my dreams.

Thanks for not judging too harshly. It was difficult for me to write this, but I need to for my healing.

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amaysngrace

Your mom being suddenly nice would have my hair standing up on the back of my neck if I were you.

 

I don't know what she is up to exactly but I would put money on it that she has an agenda. One that fits her own gratification over your own.

 

It's pure BS no matter what. If she is suddenly proud of you for landing a husband that is crap. She should have been proud of you all along.

 

I would put her on a very short leash if I were you. Limit your contact with her and see her or talk to her on your own terms only.

 

I hate to say this about your mom but she sounds toxic. :(

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*hugs*

 

you are very much worthy of being loved, because you ARE lovable ... that your mother doesn't "get" this is HER problem, not yours. I know it's harder to digest because we believe that a mother's love beats all, but some women are incapable of giving love. And in your case, I'm wondering if you being a female child threatens her "position" as being the youngest, prettiest, sweetest/nicest, etc. "girl" around. Because some women are like that, would even turn on their flesh and blood just to retain that "position."

 

I can see how a shxt relationship with your mother has scarred you, so here's my advice: You are not being a bad person if you walk away from the toxic "love" she gives. Because while a child is expected to honor and respect his parents, there's no law – spiritual or man-made – that says you must accept abuse. YOU get to decide if you want to put up with that crap. Or not.

 

your mother may suddenly be changing gears because she realizes she's losing her hold over you. You have the choice of running with the "new mom" in hopes that she'll finally be good to you psychologically, or you can watch her with a jaded eye and only let her get so close, your choice. Whatever you do, DON'T expect her to have had an epiphany about being a good mom. My guess is that if you scratch the surface long enough, the woman you know is gonna be lurking beneath that shine.

 

revel in the love that you ARE given, and if it's from a female friend who treats you like the way you hope a mother would treat her child, nurture that relationship. My personal theory is that God puts people in our lives to give us the love we need, all we have to do is embrace and return it ... I've been blessed with the love of two aunts and a close friend who have chosen to mother me – at 43! – because they know I miss my mom, who passed away 5 years ago. God will provide, don't ever doubt that.

 

and don't ever sell yourself short when it comes to considering yourself worthy of love. Your mom chooses to act a certain way; you can choose to keep contact limited with her if it means a healthier self esteem.

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BlackLovely

I hate to say this about your mom but she sounds toxic. :(

 

I don't mind you saying that. She has been very toxic to me over the years.

I find myself still seeking her love and approval. We talk on the phone and the sweetness continues..:confused:

My fiance says I need to stop trying to get her to love me, because she will never love me the way I need. He feels that it puts me in a very bad space when my mother is horrible to me.

I will also acknowledge the acts of kindness. I think it comes from a place of guilt.

Thanks for the response hon!

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BlackLovely
*hugs*

 

And in your case, I'm wondering if you being a female child threatens her "position" as being the youngest, prettiest, sweetest/nicest, etc. "girl" around. Because some women are like that, would even turn on their flesh and blood just to retain that "position."

 

I can see how a shxt relationship with your mother has scarred you, so here's my advice: You are not being a bad person if you walk away from the toxic "love" she gives. Because while a child is expected to honor and respect his parents, there's no law – spiritual or man-made – that says you must accept abuse. YOU get to decide if you want to put up with that crap. Or not.

 

Whatever you do, DON'T expect her to have had an epiphany about being a good mom. My guess is that if you scratch the surface long enough, the woman you know is gonna be lurking beneath that shine.

 

revel in the love that you ARE given, and if it's from a female friend who treats you like the way you hope a mother would treat her child, nurture that relationship. My personal theory is that God puts people in our lives to give us the love we need, all we have to do is embrace and return it ... I've been blessed with the love of two aunts and a close friend who have chosen to mother me – at 43! – because they know I miss my mom, who passed away 5 years ago. God will provide, don't ever doubt that.

 

and don't ever sell yourself short when it comes to considering yourself worthy of love. Your mom chooses to act a certain way; you can choose to keep contact limited with her if it means a healthier self esteem.

 

Thanks for the hug; I appreciate it. I find that I seek attention from older women a lot; must be an internal conflict I'm trying to reconcile. My mother in law is great to me, but my fiance has the similar issues with his mother that I have with mine. He received mostly verbal abuse and perceived as being not as good as his older brother. We are each others favorite, so screw evil mothers. :D

 

My mother used to discourage my dear old Dad from showing too much affection. I can remember my Dad giving me a piggyback ride into the kitchen my first night home after my first breakdown (There were several) My mom said "Put her down!! She's too spoiled, that's why she's sick!"

 

I don't trust the niceness. I enjoy it, but I know it's not authentic.

She is prone to random acts of kindness as well as gushing about how much she loves me and she wishes we were closer. That ship sailed a long time ago.

 

My mother follows predictable pattern to get me to do whatever she wants. For example, she wanted me to have a huge wedding so that everyone would think she was rich. My man and I have planned a very small, intimate affair to her chagrin. First it was. "Have a big wedding for your mother." I said no. Then comes the shaming "You never did listen to me." I hold my ground and then comes the guilt "A lot of girls would love to have a mother that interferes with their weddings!" She lost her own mother when she was 13...my mom likes to use that as an excuse for her BS.

 

Doctors I've seen have told me that she is narcissistic or borderline as well as bipolar and OCD. She thinks she's great and that I'm just psycho.

 

God forgive me, but I can't wait until she dies. I believe that children should honor parents, but parents need to remember that children are people too, not just subservient dogs to kick around.

 

This may sound overly dependent and wimpy, but I credit my fiance with helping me to raise my self esteem. He's just a sweet, quiet soul like my beloved Dad.

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