TudorII Posted June 17, 2009 Share Posted June 17, 2009 So my wife is pregnant and my mom is thrilled. Problem is my mother wants to be involved more than my wife would care for her to. My mother continually gets her feelings hurt because my wife won't let her see her belly, touch her belly, go shopping with her, etc. The big blow up came when my mom for some reason felt she should be able to go to the Dr's appointments with us and my wife said absolutely not. I have 3 sisters two of which have had multiple pregnancies and my mom went to almost all the Dr appointments with them so I think she believes that is normal. She gave both me and the wife a mouthful about being excluded which was out of line IMO. I find myself in the middle and my wife and my mother's relationship being strained with this baby coming. I am not about to tell my wife to give if she is not comfortable with any of this. I have confronted my mom and told her she needs to back off and reminded her that while I am her son and she will be no less involved in the baby's life but my wife is modest and doesn't like people touching her much less being in the Dr. appointment while she is being examined. So question is, how can help get the two of them to enjoy this together instead of my wife being pissed off at my mom for guilting her and my mom feeling hurt and left out? I'm too easy going for this nonsense and want to find some middle ground for both of them. Link to post Share on other sites
hotgurl Posted June 17, 2009 Share Posted June 17, 2009 Wow she wanted to go to a doctors appt. that is a little extreme. Firstly good for you for telling your mom to back off. If your wife is not comfortable with touching and sharing private details etc your mom should respect that. However perhaps your wife could compromise and go on a few shooping trips with your mom. Maybe have a mother and Daughter in law lunch. So that way your mom feels included but your wife's boundries are not being violated. Also perhaps now is a good time to discuss how much your mom is going to be involved with the baby ad set some ground rules up so when the baby comes your wife and your mom don't fight. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted June 17, 2009 Share Posted June 17, 2009 congratulations, papa! you mom sounds really, really excited, and I'm glad for y'all for that ... however, this being your WIFE'S pregnancy (not your mom's or your sisters'), your mom needs to respect her wishes. it's not about being mean or not caring for your mother, but making sure your wife has a positive, comfortable pregnancy. Because when SHE does, YOU do, you know? hate to say it, but I think you're going to have to be blunt almost to the point of hurting her feelings in order for her to understand your wife's feelings about the situation. Again, it's not because you don't love Mom, but because you want your wife to enjoy her pregnancy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TudorII Posted June 17, 2009 Author Share Posted June 17, 2009 I agree with you both Quankanne and hotgurl. And I have sat my mom down and had the talk with her about my wife not being my sisters and it not being the same thing. A little tough love has been giving but I think all that has done is drive the wedge deeper between the two of them. My mom is backing off but clearly recenting my wife for it. My wife will always get my support and I will put my mom in check or any other family member when it comes to making sure she is happy. Just seems like there has to be a better way to go about this. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted June 17, 2009 Share Posted June 17, 2009 I agree with both Quank and Hotgirl... Mom needs to be benched.... Your wife is also very hormonally driven right now and she might feel differently after the baby is born to how involved your Mom will be.. Congrats by the way... nothing creates more stress in your life than fatherhood ... Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted June 17, 2009 Share Posted June 17, 2009 If my mother, who birthed me , was offended that she could not attend my doctor's appointment ...Nevemind, most people dont do that. Mother In Laws dont do that. Not to anyone over the age of 16. This is WAY WAY WAY out of line. And your wife is not a Buddha, no one should be touching her belly uninvited. Note that: She shouldn't be asked, she can choose to invite. By setting up these (usually given) personal boundaries, you create a better chance at having a close and comfortable relationship between your wife and mother. Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted June 17, 2009 Share Posted June 17, 2009 Lots of good advice. I just wanted to give you kudos for correctly prioritizing your wife and mom. And congrats on the kid! Soon, you'll know what a packmule feels like (diaper bag, strollers, etc.) Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted June 17, 2009 Share Posted June 17, 2009 I think I've violated the belly-touching thing with my nieces and friends' daughters ... I guess part of it has to do with not being able to get pregnant myself, but mostly, it's because I'm so excited about what thye've created Link to post Share on other sites
Author TudorII Posted June 17, 2009 Author Share Posted June 17, 2009 Thanks Art! 2sure I agree is not a common practice like my mom seems to think it is. The problem is I come from a very open family. They talk about everything and anything and very much about family. My wife however comes from more of surface level conversation family and avoid any touchy subjects, non affectionate, etc. So we were just raised different. I understand my mom wanting to see her grandbaby on the sonogram and being excited with us but I respect my wife's wishes enough to tell the mom she will have to miss out on this one. And the belly touching is not just my mom, she wouldn't even let her own sister touch it which is totally her call and I support. Its funny how people want to touch pregnant women's bellies, never noticed that till now. I have no problem setting up the boundaries but it seems all it does is make me the bad guy and no one is really happy in the end. I think my mom is truly the problem and have asked my dad for help in talking to her so that we can all enjoy this. Its just sad for me that my mom feels like she is being excluded when she is just trying to share in the excitement with us. Link to post Share on other sites
hotgurl Posted June 17, 2009 Share Posted June 17, 2009 I might be a nice gesture on your wife's part to invite your mom out to lunch and a shopping trip. Maybe let mom pick something for the baby's room something non cruical or a baby gym etc.. so that way your mom feels included. Also it may be a tug of war for your wife if her parents are really involved too. Link to post Share on other sites
Yentush Posted June 18, 2009 Share Posted June 18, 2009 First of all, you are NOT in the middle. You are firmly on your wife's side. She married you,not your mother. Each person has their own feelings and desires. Simply because your sisters allowed your mother more control over their lives, does not mean that your wife does. Your mother is the only one being selfish. Please remember that it is your wife who is carrying this child, the one who is having all the burden, and the one who will go through the pains of labor. ONLY her desires are important. Print these out and give them to your mother. http://file.walagata.com/w/leahg/6164591.doc Link to post Share on other sites
Author TudorII Posted June 18, 2009 Author Share Posted June 18, 2009 This was a great read Yentush, thank you for passing it along! Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted June 18, 2009 Share Posted June 18, 2009 also, if it's not cost-prohibitive, seriously consider getting a DVD of the sonograms ~ my niece (by marriage) has done this with both pregnancies, and it's really cool to see, because she can freeze "action" and explain things the tech has told her, or we can watch it over and over if we choose. It's been a great way keeping up with her progress, and the last time we went to visit, my sister's ex-husband was there, so he got to see images of the new baby for the first time. only "hard" part is waiting another six months for the rugrat to arrive, esp. after seeing her on the big screen this might give y'alls families a way to "see" the baby without crossing any boundaries your wife feels comfortable with. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TudorII Posted June 18, 2009 Author Share Posted June 18, 2009 Good idea quank. We have a couple of DVDs already but all we show the parents are the sonogram pictures, guess I could make them a copy. Us Texans got to watch out for each other! Doesn't help either that my parents bought a house 4 blocks from us 6 months ago. Yep my mom is following me I swear and a little too close for my comfort. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted June 18, 2009 Share Posted June 18, 2009 ...Could you recruit your dad's help to convince your mum to lay off a bit....? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 19, 2009 Share Posted June 19, 2009 Your mom has to understand that her daughter in law is not her daughter. She can help out in so many other ways, and once that baby is born she can be more involved, baby sit and help your wife around the house, do grocery shopping or even sit with the baby if your wife needs a break. I know your mom's feelings are hurt, instead of fighting about it, try to make her see that she isn't excluded at all, just during the pregnancy your wife feels she only wants you there during the appointments and not to take it personally. Your mom can't put her demands and expectations on your wife because she is NOT her daughter. I feel for what you're going through, because being stuck in the middle isn't easy, it's very stressful. All you can do is support your wife and try to reason with your mom, don't fight about it because at the end of the day it really isn't worth it. If she gets pissy with you, or argumentive, just let her know that you and your wife do care alot about her and need her in your lives, just not in the way she's offering right now. Link to post Share on other sites
crazymom123 Posted June 22, 2009 Share Posted June 22, 2009 As much as I appreciate your mother wanting to be a part of your wife's pregnancy, your wife is NOT her daughter. Your mother has to respect your wife's wishes and understand she has her OWN mother and how she was raised and shouldn't be pushed into changing for your mother. She's your wife, not hers. Your mother sounds overbearing if she can't understand what she's doing equates to forcing someone to be uncomfortable for her own selfish desires. YOU need to step up in more than a wilting flower way for your wife and explain to her that (1) your wife doesn't even owe her an explanation as to why she is the way she is (2) your mother doesn't have the right to make your wife uncomfortable and what she should be concerned about is the baby and if your wife is upset, the baby will be too and if your mother doesn't care about that then then she has proven that she really just wants her own way, (3) your mother is showing that anyone new to your family must conform to HER way of thinking. I have never liked anyone touching my stomach since they're not touching the baby, they're touching me and Dr.'s appts. are private. Has your mother yet demanded to be in the delivery room too?!? My husband knows my most personal parts and was in there creating the babies and I didn't want him seeing EVERYthing. When my husband was right there with my legs wide open & the nurse was getting ready to put in the catheter I asked him to step on the other side of the curtain, some things are just too much, let's leave some things to the imagination, so I certainly wouldn't want my mother-in-law or my own mother for that matter seeing what's between my legs as a grown woman (I'm not a child anymore). I suspect you only want your mother to let up and your wife to give in some because you're tired of hearing about it and your mother is wrong. I suggest your put some distance between you and your mother if she refuses to respect your wife because what's next is a problem with raising the kid and an overbearing grandma. If you don't step up now, it's only going to get worse with you in the middle. Link to post Share on other sites
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