Family in low was ruining our lives.

[Willow9]

Hello everyone!

 

I posted this yesterday as an answer but I tought I would be the case opening a new thread:

 

 

Soon after our marriage (3 Y 1/2 ago) my MIL started asking us money to fix her business problems, most of the time leaving us completely broke.

 

After 2 1/2 years of giving money, we were living very far from his family so we were quite worried as well implying that it was difficult to check what was going on and refuse, we managed to save a bit and with my father's help we opened a small business and we are struggling to pay the bills, but is picking up and I'm positive we are going to be fine, BUT....

 

is father decided to move in with us without even asking if it was ok for us, not to say that we cannot afford to support another person.

He is in good health but his business is not going well and he ran out of money. My sister in law could take care of him cause we gave enough!!!

It's her turn now!

 

My MIL and her 2 sisters an respective daughters keep asking us money and now we refuse of course, none of them work cause they are too lazy to find solutions for they life i say!

 

There are many things I would like to do like finishing my study and grow professionally, our life is in stand by cause of them. Am I so selfish?

 

After 3 years they are still messed up worse than before, they just make bad decision about money and show no responsibility especially cause it's not their money.

 

MIL never gave me any money back. Never really asked actually (and is a lot) but at least the last money I gave her I expect it back and she was offended that I asked.

 

In 8 months we'been living close to them and I never saw her working, she made plans with my salary and wanted to pay someone to have her place cleaned with our money ( I had my place cleaned once cause we rented it new and there were debris, painting and concrete stains that the workers left behind, but I have a job and I can pay for that plus I had to work and did not have the time and energy so we paid 2 ladies to do it for us).

She rented the place next to us using the money that she got reselling (for 5% of the full price she paid for) back a restaurant she bought with my money that was a total failure cause after 10 years experience of having restaurants (that never worked) she just rushed and never checked if it was a good deal.

 

Instead of thinking of give this money back to us she used it for herself rentig this place next to us to make another restaurant.

She paid the rent for 4 months and never stayed there cause she understood after 2 days that it wasn't working.

 

She never listen any advice and get angry easily.

 

Maybe she has to go to court for buying something to her daughter that she cannot pay so MIL and her sister had the wonderful idea( that we refused of course!!!) to ask her son (my husband) if he can buy a bike, put it on his name saying that he would pay by instalment so she can resell it at a full price to get the money to pay her debt ...one of the many.....and how the hell she would have found the money to pay back for the bike??? How can you do this to your son?

I wouldn't do it to even to someone I hate!! And we were just opening our business.

I was furious!!!!! Of course my husband is not an idiot.

That was it for me! Never talked to her again , which is easy actually cause we don't even speak the same language:cool:

 

The list of **** she had done is long:sick::sick:

 

The point is:

She is not 15 years old and it's time that she shows some responsibility!!!

 

Everybody may need a little help once or twice in life or is fair enough to support your old parents WHEN THEY CANNOT WORK ANYMORE but there is no excuse for all this.

 

 

They kept asking money and using our motorbike every day. Even if we work sometimes we have to or want to go somewhere and I have to ask someone else's bike or wait all day.

 

My husband had an 8 years old daughter from a girl that just decided to disappear when the baby was 4 months. My MIL took care of her for many years cause my husband worked far away in order to support her.

Now she lives with us since we moved in the same town.

Is a bit long to explain but there is a valid reasons why we couldnt take her with us until now and it was'nt easy for my husband.

 

When we tried to express our disappointement, or better ask what intentions my father in law had, cause it really looked like he wanted to live with us on a permanent basis:sick: he just left with the child and went to live with MIL and her family.

 

They think I am bad cause I don't want to help them anymore and they are turning my stepdaughter against us I know.

 

I think they don't like the way we are trying to educate her as well, which consist in nothing more than teach her some good manner, clean her room sometimes, give a little help at home and send her to bed at 8 on school days. Are we monsters?

 

They just let her do whatever she like, she eats in front of tv most of the time and she wach planty of soap opera not suitable in my opinion for her age. She became very cheeky and rude always whining when we tell her smthing.

 

They don't want to give her back to her father now and even want to call the police if we try to get her back. My MIL hit my husband as well cause she went to get her at school but when she did'nt find her she tought we were hiding her at home.

All this happened in the last 2 days since his father left our house.

She said to him that he is a bad son cause he dared to tell her how we feel and cause wanted to talk about what's going on with is father.

Of course my husband is very mad.

 

I only regret I didn't kick his father out before, since he tried to be the good one in front of my stepdaughter always wanting to be on her side and ignoring our will plus making us look bad .

 

I would appreciate any opinion,

I think all this is crazy and unacceptable.

Thank you!!

 

Willow

[bubbles5]

Hi willow

 

It seems you were very frustrated while writing this thread , but that doesnt mean you frustrate other ppl who are reading it. I mean to say that please make your thread short. If you keep your threads short than it is easy for other ppl to help you out with your problems.

 

Anyways, as far as your money is concerned I dont think ur MIL is going to give you back your money that you have spent on her from past 2 and half year, If u are thinking why she wont my answer is if she wanted to give it back to you then she would have felt guilty and gave it back to you long back.

 

So if you can find any finance counseller who can help you to manage with your finance than pls take their professional help.From now on pls dont help your MIL since she wasting your money and you should also know that you are also having family you have to also survive. From now on if your MIL ask for money just say NO , n tell her that she can take loans frm bank or get financial help from her friends,uncle aunt or any other relative.Make sure your MIL doesnt black mail you.

 

I may sound rude but pls BE SMART AND LESS EMOTIONAL N STOP FEELING GUILTY. It should be your MIL who should feel guilty about haressing you and your husband.

 

As far as your step-daughter is concerned try to get close to her , she is child so she will whine and throw tantrums but once your step- daughter comes to know that you love her she wont behave same way. She is behaving that way bcos its obvious that your step -daughter is attached to her grand-parents(your in laws) so she will listen to them. You need to turn up people by your side by emotional talks etc .. Why you have to do this because your MIL is haressing and taking hold of all family members i.e step-daughter,father-in law.

 

Your MIL is certainly insecure about you may becos of following reasons

Going apart from her son ,since you are married to his son

She may be jealous and insecure about your living status.

Your MIL may be loosing hold of your husband, and may be she thinks

her mother-son relation is ruined becos of you.

Since she cant have her son (your husband) so she is FILLING PLACE by grand daughter(your step-daughter).

 

If you have someone from your family side like your sister,brother,father or mother who will understand and support you pls take their help.

 

Thirdly , try to get in touch n talk to person who is close to your MIL , I mean your MIL listens everything of that person. For eg your MIL friend or any sister brother ,aunt or anyone. So if you talk to them then may be your MIL will listen to you and doesnt mis- judge you.

But make sure she/he has soft corner for you , and neutral to you and your MIL.

 

 

Good luck. Remember there is always a CHANGE.

[Willow9]

Hi Bubbles5 !

 

Thank You for your reply and advice!

 

Sorry for the long thread

It's just that there is so much that I wanted to explain to give everyone a full picture of the situation.

 

Yeah actually I've just put a big cross on that money ! I do not really care anymore.

What is gone is gone let's think about the future now.

 

I just think that my husband needed to see for himself what I' ve been telling him for so long about the way they behave and that is wrong.

 

She has to give money back to so many people......family and not.

 

Actually the whole family is quite messed up and don't have a clue on how to manage their own life. Totally irresponsible.

 

We are good in managing our finances when other people don't put their nose in our businesses.

 

That's exactly what we are doing now: saying No, we have our live and family to think about.

If they get angry is their problem at the end.

 

I don't think you are rude.

 

It's true I should be less emotional about it, be more grounded and be firm, that's it.

 

I just felt so overwhelmed ....like things happening and not able to control them. I also feel fooled by them. Not that I mean they did it intentionally, they just don't understand that is not right to do like this + they are very immature.

 

I also blamed my H for a while but I understand how difficult can be having to say no to your mother and worrying about them and his daughter....

 

I agree on what you say about getting close to her and getting to know each other, it must be quite difficult fo her too:

 

mother disappeared, father away, father back + new house and new way of living and them poisoning her agaist us. MIL didn't do anything to facilitate the shift.

 

My husband has been living on his own and working since the age of 13 and giving money to help them so she shouldn't feel like he's going apart from her, maybe emotionally.

 

I just informed my uncle and my father about what was going on and they are very supportive.

I never told them before cause I know they would have worried so much( they live very far from us) plus I didn't want them to have the wrong idea about my husband.

 

My H 's uncle (married with MIL's sister) had enough with them and does't even want to go to their place anymore, same as me, he is also supportive.

 

The last update is that my stepdaughter is still with MIL.

2 days ago my H's sister said that they 'll let her come back here as soon as she will go back to her town which doesn't make any sense to me.

Why should we stay at your rules?

 

But since we want to make sure that the little girl doesn' get too traumatised by the situation we agreed.

 

It is sad but there is a part of me that really would like to disconnect from them, not having them around anymore especially cause wherever they go they bring troubles and don't take any advice.

Should I?

 

Let's see

 

Willow