My sister-in-law, WTF?

[Girlygal]

Hi All! New, but need a bit of help.

 

I have been married for 5 years, together for 6 and friends for 24. Marriage is good, minor fight nothing major, except his siter.

 

My Sister-in-Law hates me. She has never felt like i was good enough for her little brother. Everthing i try to do i get mocked for, or snide remarks thrown at me. And basically underminds everything i attempt to do.

 

My wedding day was suppose to be a suprise, we invited people to a house warming and then suprised them by getting married that day. My SIL somehow found out 3 weeks prior to the wedding and rubbed it in my face that she knew. She started saying things to other people and generally took what was a fun and suprising day for me and deflated my sails.

 

Everytime i have given birth (3 times) i get the same routine "Ha...how you gonna lose that weight?"

 

She has even taken to spiceing my food when she comes to my house (when i am cooking) because she "knows how my brother likes to eat."

 

I finally went an entire year without talking to her because i simply had nothing nice to say to her, but after her father begged me to please talk to her i broke down and did because i love his parents like my own and call them mom and dad. I explained to her then how her words affected me hoping that somehow it would get better.

 

Fast forward 3 years, she is still at it.

 

This is what really killed me, Mom is retiring this week, i decided along with my H (that is husband right?) to plan a retirement party for her as a gift from us. I talked to dad about it and began making plans. In an effort to not make my SIL feel left out i called her to ask opinions and general questions. do you know what i was told?!?!?!

 

"I took care of it already, the hall is booked the invites are done and i already planned the food. So really there isnt anything you need to do."

 

My PARTY!!! She took it away from me. i was devastated. I cried i got angry i yelled (not at her) i cried somemore. Now i am fighting with my H over it. I dont know what to do. I have talked to her before about this kind of thing and talking does NOT work. My H is to scared to say anything to her (he is VERY passive) and I feel like i am stuck.

 

Any advice would be great, because honestly i feel like ripping her head off.....

[2sure]

Be glad she is doing it for her Mom.

Attend, giving a gracious gift to your MIL.

Tell SIL its a lovely party.

And dont LIFT A FINGER.

 

Its the only option. And you might as well lay of your H too. He knows she's a bitc* already.

[Girlygal]

I was planning on showing up with a big smile plastered on, and giving her the tickets for the Vacation my H and i planned for us to go on as a family. I know that will pee her off considerably because there is no ticket for her.

 

I just cant figure out why she hates me so much... i try to be a good person but it seems like no matter what i do, take her to lunch, go for girls day, whatever it is simply not enough.

[KikiW]

Maybe it is just me, but I would cut her out at this point. No more trying to be nice, no more making the effort to include her... she has made per views plain and clear - whatever her reasons, she doesn't like you. You do NOT have to sit there and take her abuse, though.

 

If your in laws beg you to talk to her again, explain to them that you have gone above and beyond the call of duty to form a nice relationship with her and she is essentially spitting in your face. You are no longer going to sit there and be her punching bag, that she is being cruel, and you don't understand how she can treat ANYONE like she treats you. That she has so little respect for her brother and the rest of her family (by speaking to you so horribly), it's a surprise that no one else is fed up.

 

You do not have to suck it up and take it because your in laws are upset. If they cared for you, they would have a frank sit-down with her about her abhorrent behavior and get her to straighten up her act. The fact that they want you to put up with her treatment is really sad, I think.

 

Tell your husband how you plan to handle the situation and ask for his support. You are his wife, and you deserve to be treated with at least the minimal respect and a civil tongue, and she is failing to give you that. Remember, it is HER fault that she is causing discourse. You have done everything you can to try and smooth things over and there is no difference.

[Girlygal]

Thanks KIWI i needed to hear that, i just get fearful that i may upset the family by saying anything, but i guess thats what everyone has always done and a major reason she is the way she is. I suppose if i lived in a world with no consequence for my actions i might be a raging beotch as well.

 

I will take your advice, it is most appreciated!

[KikiW]

Good luck, and please drop a note and let us know how things go. I am sure there are plenty of people here more than happy to offer advice if you need it.

 

Just remember, you never have to get nasty about it (calm, rational discussions always come across better, as though you have spent a good deal of time thinking about it, which you have), but it's perfectly ok to be firm. If anyone pushes you, ask them how they would feel if YOU talked to THEM like she has spoken to you? Perhaps mimic-ing her tone to them to see how it sounds coming from you. Ask them if they deserve to be spoken to like that, and if not, why should YOU be spoken to like that? Ask if she speaks to her boss that way, or co-workers, or friends.

 

Always remind yourself that you deserve the bare minimum of civility. You are a member of the family whether she likes it or not, and if she can't treat you like a human being, then you do not have to endure it for anyone's sake.

 

Best of luck

[Girlygal]

I talked to my H, he said he would back me. So i invited the family over for dinner on saturday, no kids. I was thinking of going June Clever and being uber nice and polite and just blantantly asking after dinner "What the heck is wrong with you". I honestly would prefer to scream and rave but not sure it will get me anywhere.

 

I also thought about writing a note but, idk.....seems a bit juvy, but honestly she intimidates me and i am afraid of what she will do to me if i embarass her. She could def kick my butt, and i wouldnt put it past her.

[quankanne]

GG, sounds like you've done your best to be gracious to this woman even though she's been more than a little bit of a beetch to you. At which point, I suggest that from here on out, treat her with respect, but also with distance. Like you would a bug you know that you shouldn't kill because it's beneficial to nature, but you still dont' care to have around.

 

in other words, kill her with kindness. It really, really works. Be polite, but brief; cut her off at the knees by treating her like an obnoxious child vying for a grown-up's attention (which, when you think about it, she is). This works on two levels: One, people see you being gracious and think, "what a good hearted person that is to put up with such a beetch," and two, it'll drive her freakin' nuts because you're being polite & not responding to her her barbs or backstabbing. Basically, you're mind-fooking her with good manners, see?

 

meanwhile, 2S's advice to not lift a finger is a good one, because while you're enjoying yourself as a guest, you're making HER do all the dog work. Not that a labor of love is dog work, but her attempt to show you up will backfire because she hasn't made you miserable. The icing on the cake will be the nice vacation you have planned for your husband's parents, just be sure to let Mom & Pop know that you want to ensure they have time alone with their son because you understand how important that is when it's harder and harder to set aside that kind of time with one particular person (and it keeps them from extending the invite to their evil daughter )

[quankanne]

I just cant figure out why she hates me so much... i try to be a good person but it seems like no matter what i do, take her to lunch, go for girls day, whatever it is simply not enough.

 

in her mind, those "nice" things prolly make you some kind of suck-up or something. So, play by her rules. Stop being nice. Kill her with kindness but keep your distance.

 

if she has a conscience, she's gonna wonder what she's done for that distance to appear in your relationship, and maybe she'll actually try to be a better sister to H and you ... if not, not big loss, right? You get along with H's parents and that's the main thing.

 

Everytime i have given birth (3 times) i get the same routine "Ha...how you gonna lose that weight?"

 

meOW! next time she says something like that to you, look her straight in the eye and ask calmly (and LOUDLY), "I don't know Sis. What do YOU have in mind?"

 

put it right back on her, make her stand out in all her beetchy glory.

[Girlygal]

just be sure to let mom & pop know that you want to ensure they have time alone with their son because you understand how important that is when it's harder and harder to set aside that kind of time with one particular person (and it keeps them from extending the invite to their evil daughter )

 

 

love it!!!!!!!!

[quankanne]

that's how I'd get my husband to drive out to Alabama to spend time with his mom. No matter how old he was, he was *still* her little boy, you know?

[Girlygal]

i Had a fairly amazing conversation with my H last night, and finally feel as though i am on a path to SIL Freedom.

 

I NEVER really realized just how much my SIL bothers my H. I always assumed that because he is so passive that it meant he didnt really give a flying **** how she hurt me. Boy was i wrong.

 

Since he was a kid she has towered over him and treated him like an idiot. So much so that he said being in the Marine Corps was a blessing because the drill instructed were easier to deal with then her. Now that is a statement. We talked for a few hours last night and came to a few dicisions:

 

1. She was not going to steal my party from me, she can plan it all she wants, put in the end this is about Mom and she is going to have the best time ever, so while Tracy (SIL fake name) is busing herself with inanae BS i will be at Moms side enjoying the day with her. And she can suck an egg cause i know she will be pis*y over seeing Her Mother having fun with ME.

 

2. Tracy will not be allowed in our house or at our functions as it appears she will never be able to control herself. And if she asks why she is not being invited she will be told frankly "Because dear Tracy you are a bitch and we would like to enjoy our day and not deal with you".

 

3. Since she has already been invited Saturday evening, i will remain calm and cool and deal with her in an adult manner, but should she step out of line, and this is the part i love, my H plans to take her into another room and deal with her as if she were a child. LOVE IT! Just hope he can follow through.

 

4. And Quank i am taking you up on your advice, i will no longer put myself in positions to be viewed as a suck up. From now on girls day is strictly for the girls and there will be no dogs allowed. And the next time she insinuates im fat im gonna pull my pants down and stick my size 5 ass in her face and shake it like a polaroid picture.

 

Thanks for the advice all... it is most appreciated!

[quankanne]

YOU GO GIRL!

 

I imagine it's gonna piss her off when your husband deals with her like a naughty child, but reassure him he's gonna feel a hell of a lot better about having the upper hand in that relationship, esp. when it means he doesn't have to be made to feel like the idiot child around her. After all this time, he more than deserves to break out of that mold!

 

LOL, I think I want to see footage of you shaking your booty at her, this would be too funny :laugh:

 

while Tracy (SIL fake name) is busing herself with inane BS i will be at Moms side enjoying the day with her

 

you know what? That's going to be the ULTIMATE cut, in her opinion, because at some point she's going to realize that instead of thwarting you, she's actually given you carte blanche to enjoy yourself. HAHAHAHA ... falling into line with the "kill her with kindness" advice – if she makes a stink, she's gonna look churlish because her whole goal was to thwart you of the joy of planning all of this. Meanwhile, you have the hassle-free fun of hanging out with your ma-in-law at the party AND on vacation. Sweet!

 

if she asks why she is not being invited she will be told frankly "Because dear Tracy you are a bitch and we would like to enjoy our day and not deal with you".

 

there's also the sweet, Southern double-sided put-down, prefaced by "Bless your heart ..."

 

"Bless your heart, Tracy, you're such a two-faced beetch we felt we'd enjoy ourselves more with you someplace else"

[DesperateG]

 

My Sister-in-Law hates me.

 

I totally know what you are saying, she sounds just like my future SIL (getting married in 35 days)... Lets me tell you about mine she's just as horrible... You are not alone!!

 

I started Dating my Fiancee a year and a half ago, we knew right from the start that we would get married... When we first met we kept our relationship on the down low because he is very close to his sister and he wanted to really get to know me before he introduced me to his sister because she could be "difficult to deal with". When he finally introduced us I was totally shocked because I thought she was just going to be this horrible person and yet she was just as sweet and wonderful as could be. Fast forward a year.... I asked her to be in my wedding because her and my fiancee are so close and I thought it would make him happy, not to mention she had been pretty nice to me this over the past year (compared to how she treats other people). She said yes and everything was going along wonderfully with wedding plans, I let her pick the bridesmaid dresses and give suggestions on a few other things as well.

 

Well.... we had an engagement party, she showed up with several of her friends (who I hardly know) and sat in the corner all evening sulking (over what? I do not know)... we had the party at a bar because we are having a very small informal wedding and we didn't want to have to deal with all the formalities of having a big party... the party was amazing and everyone had a really good time, my parents met his parents. It was great.

 

About a week and a half after my engagement party my fiancee's sister sent him and I both a very long rude email about how she was "super pissed" because I didn't introduce her to everyone at the party and she demanded an apology. I pretty much just brushed it off by telling her that the reason we did it in the bar was because it was informal and if she had a problem she should have addressed it right then not waited a week to send a long rude email about it. She flew off the handle, quit talking to me completely. Told my fiancee that she would not be in the wedding and that she had decided that she could not be my friend because I was rude, impossible to deal with and that I did not listen to a single suggestion she had made about the wedding. I gave her a few days to calm down and sent her several text messages and emails trying to get her to talk to me about everything because I didn't want to fight. She ignored me completely. She then went over to her parents house last week and sat down and told them "the whole story" but completely turned it all around and told them that I kicked her out of the wedding and would not talk to her. This is only a portion of what has happened through the whole mess... during the last few weeks she has sent me nasty comments on Facebook (I finally deleted her because I couldn't take it anymore). Told pretty much everyone she could run her mouth to the same lies that she told her parents. She has pretty much ruined the whole thing, I'm not even excited anymore... I'm counting down the days because I just want it to be over with at this point.

[KikiW]

GO GIRLYGAL! Size 5? DAMN YOU. I wish I was a size TEN, let alone FIVE. She sounds like a squealing cow (long story about a friend's ex). Good for you AND your husband. It sounds like her comeuppance is long overdue.

 

As for DesperateG - I hope your fiance's parents are aware of her antics? I would hate for them to be poisoned. If they aren't sure what the real story is, print out those nasty Facebook messages, any nasty emails, etc. Not that you have to give them to them, but just in case you need evidence. I am really sorry she is making things hard for you

[Girlygal]

 

She then went over to her parents house last week and sat down and told them "the whole story" but completely turned it all around and told them that I kicked her out of the wedding and would not talk to her. .

 

 

That is exactly like my dear dear Tracy, I think sometimes my SIL is so envious of my relationship with her brother it makes her crazy. Like if she could be with her brother she would. EWWWWW, Yucky Yucky. Dont make the mistakes i did, set your boundries early and hard. And have a heart to heart with the inlaws, i would be amazed if they werent aware of her antics!

 

 

Thanks for the comment on my size 5 ass!!! I work damn hard to get that after 3 kids. Not sure i will maintain it now that summers here, in my area summer is the only time that Dairy Queen is open and i am a BIG sucker for ICE CREAM!!!

[Mary3]

Usually people who are * controlling * and throw fits and cause trouble are simply INSECURE.

 

You need to either play on that or realize the next time she gets in your face to LET HER HAVE IT.

 

She must really have some mental issues to try and control everyone in the family.

 

Jealousy is an ugly thing. Her green monster has been around for 3 years )( I think thats how long you said you've been together ? I think she is threatened by MANY things....

[Girlygal]

So my weekend is gone, i have survived and there are no new scars to show, i have walked away unscratched!!

 

After no les then 10 phone calls to her brother friday, (i had his phone he left it at home accidently) i finally texted her back his cell # for work and the called my H to forewarn him. I am not entirely sure what was said, but by the end of their phone call my H was energetic and pleased with himself. My SIL then began texting me playing all nicey nicey. I DID NOT fall for it! I held my own, and in one short and simply reply text i believe i covered it all.

 

"Listen i do not need the nice attitude. I am doing this for mom as a gift to her since, in my eyes, my origional gift has been taken from me. i will be civil with u because this is about mom. but make no mistake Tracy, this time u have crossed the line and i am NOT ok with it. Ur attitude with people sucks and i am tired of dealing with it."

 

I was then nervous the rest of the evening expecting her to show up and kick my bum bum. She didn't. (whew).

 

Saturday we had dinner, everyone was polite. My BIL (tracys husband) literally walked through my door and gave me the biggest hug and whispered THANK YOU in my ear. She sat quietly and didn't even comment on my food (i made stir fry one of my FAVORITES). Such a relief!! Thanks again to everyone you really gave me a strenght to stand up that i didnt know i had! and QUANK thank you a TON!!!!

[KikiW]

GOOD FOR YOU!!!!!!!

 

Wow, I don't think it could have turned out any better! It sounds like everyone has been biting their tongue for a very long time and they just needed one person to take the stand. I am so happy for you - you have drawn your line in the sand and made her well aware of it.

 

YAY!

[quankanne]

you're very welcome. Sometimes, you've just gotta stand up to a bully to take the wind outta their sails.

 

LOL, though the idea that HER HUSBAND thanked you for standing up to his wife makes me grin.

 

YOU GO GIRL!

[Girlygal]

yeah it shocked me a bit to when he said thanks, he is so damn quiet and typically sits on the coach watching tv or plays on his computer when were having family functions. i find their relationship VERY odd. He sleeps on the coach every night while she sleeps in their bedroom with her 11 year old son sleeping on the floor, he is to scared to sleep in his room by himself. I sometimes wonder if she is simply in need of a good (expletive) but doubt they have had the chance to since their son was born.

[blaken]

Or he doesn't want to sleep in the dragon's chamber ..

7 years old on the floor i find it rather unhealthy.. not the floor per say.. more like the son in her bedroom and dad on the couch.

 

As for your butt (cant believe a size 5 after 3 kids), she's obviously jealous. Of your ass, your life, the healthy relationship you have established with her family, probably your kids, etc..

 

You don't have to put up with bullies.. being nice doesn't work with these people. I bet if you keep it firm, she'll eat in your hand (I'd still lock my door at night though.. jk jk )

[sb129]

OMG this situation is like a mirror image of my own.

 

MY SIL (my brothers partner) is a total drama queen pain in the ass. She regularly gets drunk at family events and makes a total ass of herself and then rips into my brother verbally for hours on end blaming him for her behaviour.

She is insecure and tries to suck up badly to my mum but regularly does things to my brother that upsets my mum.

 

She treats him really badly and goes on and on about how awful he is- to my mum?? She also does pretty irresponsible things and puts his safety in jeopardy (he is disabled).

 

My dad died this year and SIL got wasted the night before and the night of the funeral and turned the whole thing into a pity party about her and how bad HER life is. (hello???WTF) Then a couple of nights later she pulled the same stunt and I lost it completely and told her to back off. She got hysterical and went totally crazy and hasn't spoken to me since OR apologised to my mum for her behaviour. (she even went to push me and I was 4mths pregnant at the time, luckily my H stepped in).

 

Her latest has been talking about all the money she and my bro are going to get from my dads estate (he tied up the will big time so she couldn't touch a cent).

 

Anyway- kinda the opposite to your situation girlygal, but I have taken the same approach.

My R with my brother is fine, and I am civil and polite to his GF, but thats it. As long as I am calm, civil, rational and normal, it just makes her psychotic behaviour look even worse.

 

GG- your R with your H is good, and you have a good R with his parents. As long as you maintain those and don't let SILs nutty behaviour and comments get to you (tough I know, esp those baby weight ones, totally know where you are coming from there!) you will always look like the better person when push comes to shove.

 

Good luck!