AngelEyes Posted January 5, 2003 Share Posted January 5, 2003 Please help me with this someone. I have a 6 year old daughter from a previous relationship. My daughters name is Trisha. Her fathers name is Jake. We had my daughter when we were seventeen. Jake and I split up when my daughter was 1 year old. He has been in and out of her life ever since. I am now married to a wonderful man, who I have a 2 year old by. Jake has never paid child support, and he has been pretty much abcent from my daughters life. Now here is the big problem. Jake called my husband tonight. He asked him if he would adopt my daughter. The courts are about to serve a warrant on him for non payment. So he figures he can get out of going to jail by signing his rights away. Although my daughter has rarely visited with her dad, she thinks of him as a hero or something. I have always sugar coated the truth to protect her. Now I see that I should have been honest all along. I dont want her heart to be broken. I dont know whether to do the adoption or not. Jake said regardless of what i decide he never wants to see her agian. What do I do? What do I say to her if anything? I feel as if my heart is being ripped from my chest at the thought of what she will feel, regardless of what I decide. I am not asking anyone to make the decision for me. But I despately need some friendly advice right now. I need someone to talk to. My husband will let me talk about it, he wants to adopt my daughter. But he doesnt want to influence my decision in any way. HELP....... Link to post Share on other sites
mighty bop Posted January 5, 2003 Share Posted January 5, 2003 The only problem I see is how you will explain to your daughter the truth behind her father. I'm sure there's a way to break it to her over time.....but this looks like right decision to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Bizzit Posted January 5, 2003 Share Posted January 5, 2003 Angel, I am not trying to give advice to you but I would conceder that he called asking for a reason of pressures of being put in jail. Sometimes alot of us make desisions that we shouldnt make but over time we come to regreat them and hate that we hurt our loved ones along the way. I my self would probley explain as time goes on and she asked what happend to daddy as he loved her and he just wasnt able to spend his time with her right now. Her age is tender and needs to know that he loves her not that he dont, Later in time things may change and when they do you will have gave what you had in your heart and that was to let her know that he loved her. You never know what its like till you grow up thinking you was unloved. Good Luck and God Bless you all.. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted January 5, 2003 Share Posted January 5, 2003 The husband you have now makes a far more wonderful father for your daughter. With the help of a good psychologist you can undo the damage you have done by not being straight with the child (which I agree was probably the right thing to do considering the age of the child.) Your daughter's real father is a useless good for nothing and doesn't deserve to be in her life. He is no hero and keeping up this lie for your daughter's sake will do more harm than good. Your daughter will be a lot better off looking to your current husband for love and fatherly guidance. Let your worthless ex off the hook and get him away forever. Get your daughter the kind of father she deserves. Anybody can deliver sperm but not everybody can deliver the love a child needs. This is a no brainer as far as I'm concerned. Link to post Share on other sites
Bizzit Posted January 5, 2003 Share Posted January 5, 2003 I agree that the child needs the love, the love is the most inportant part of anything, I would never let my 6 year old child hear that she was givin up because he didnt want her. That could cause some major emotional problems later in life.JMO Mabey if the child was older it would be different on what to say but the age is so young and tender:(. I hope that you can sort things out because that would sure be a tuff one to have to go threw my self. Link to post Share on other sites
Kat Posted January 5, 2003 Share Posted January 5, 2003 Your daughter needs consistancy and love. From what you have told me, her real father offers none of these. Without being mean it sounds as if the best thing her father has ever done is asked your husband to adopt her. Accept his last effort to being a good father, and allow this to go ahead. I agree that we all try and sugar coat it to our kids about bad things (I have a two year old by a dead beat, I have yet to come to this point in time, but it will happen). Your husband sounds like a good father and a loving husband. Nothing worse can come from him adopting her, than Scott staying in her life (whether it be just as her 'father' and a distant memory) Link to post Share on other sites
ThisGirlNameKD Posted February 5, 2003 Share Posted February 5, 2003 When I was 4 years old, my mom and dad split for whatever reason, I didn't know at the time. But my mom did say positive things about him while I was growing up. When I was 5, my mom got involved with another man. And this man helped raised me along with my mother, so much so that I call him my dad. When I turned 15 years old, my mother and I took a walk one day and she told me that because my real father was physically abusive to her, she could not stay with him. He pushed her twice and after that second time, she left him for good. She told me that he was a good man, but had a bad temper at times, and if it weren't for that temper, they probably would have made it. I felt more hurt for my mother than I did for myself, because I never regarded myself as being without a father. Although my real father wasn't there, someone step up to the plate and did his job, so I really didn't miss not having a father. And even though he was physically abusive to my mother, my mother always made a point to stress his good points to me. No person is all together bad as no one is all together good. I just came to see overtime, that my real father would not have been a good father. You are eventually going to have to tell your daughter the truth. Now if you lied about things that made her father seem like a hero, that's another story. But if you are telling her about good things about him that he eventually does have, there's nothing wrong with that. But you're daughter is 6 years old and you need to wait until she's older where she can grasp things before you tell her the whole story. Link to post Share on other sites
km82794 Posted May 15, 2003 Share Posted May 15, 2003 Dear Angeleyes, Wow are we in a similar situation. My step kids hate me and salute their alchoholic, hasn't paid a dime of support in eight years, blew them off their whole life, mom. I can't tell you what to do, but I think that if you tell your daughter the truth about her real father and how he feels about her, it could very well scar her for life. We have a similar situation in my family and my sister is 27 and now seeking counseling after she found out that she wasn't wanted from birth. Let her have peace for now, because soon enough she will get to see for herself how Daddy really feels. I think your husband is wonderful for wanting to adopt her. If it was me, I'd let my daughter benefit from being loved and cared for by a real man. Good luck to you! Kim Link to post Share on other sites
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