My Mom Rarely comes to see us...

[georgejungle]

I posted before about this...

 

Me and the Wife have an 8 month old. My Mother has come up

2 times in the last 8 months to see her grandchild. One of those

times was because she was doing something else in the area, so

she stopped by for a half hour. She lives an hour & a half away -

doesn't work - will drive the same amount of time to see her own

sisters in a different town.

 

It still bothers me because i want to either bombard my mum

with photos and pictures to remind her she has a grandchild,

OR, i want to just ignore the hell out of her and not include her

in anything to make her come up.

 

Why do i care? I guess because it hurts my feelings a tad.

I could see her being very busy with my younger sister who

is still in school. But when i've heard that she's driven

past our area and didn't call, or that she went to visit some

family about 40 minutes from us (and we totally could have

joined them so she coulda seen her grandchild) it makes me mad

and hurt.

 

Right now i want to do the latter, i want to just ignore her and

not call her. I've always been a great son to her, always was

there for her, she's got her full schedule (supposedly) with

my sister and being wife to her husband and she does manage

to send a note here and there saying how much she misses

us and wants to see her grandbaby soon.

 

But she never does.

[amaysngrace]

I would be upfront and tell her "You know it's a shame this baby won't even know what to call you because you never make time to come see him".

 

And then see what she says.

[Art_Critic]

I have a 14 month old and my Mom lives about 2.5 hours away so she doesn't come down much...

Even though she is retired she also is getting older so my wife and I go up instead of her coming down.

He travels real well and has since about 2 months..

Today we just play an Einstein DVD in the car if we are traveling any more than maybe an hour and that keeps him quiet..or you could travel at night.. Kids love that and fall asleep real quick.

 

Visiting works both ways.. If you want to let your 8 month old have more time with your Mom but she doesn't come to you then why not go see your Mom ?

 

Remember that it is her Grandchild.. but your Child.. that is the way I have always tried to look at it when I get to feeling that my Mom doesn't see him enough.

[georgejungle]

we are gearing up to try & travel more. Our baby

doesn't travel well, hates the carseat, So i wouldn't

mind take baby to see granny. Us making the effort. It

just burns me (and my wife too) that

they'll do different things with their time, rather than drive

up and see her Grandchild. my Mum is in great health, she's

a retired fitness instructor of all things. I don't get it. Maybe

they're just too busy?

 

My wife's parents are always calling and always coming

up (they live 4 hours away), they make the effort because

they REALLY want to see baby.

[amaysngrace]

I don't know why it is but it seems that when daughters have babies her parents are there for her and her kids a lot more than their son.

 

I've noticed this a lot.

[Trialbyfire]

As a possibility, maybe your mother finds infants exhausting? This doesn't mean she doesn't love you and your baby.

 

One of my grandmothers is like that. She adores her grandchildren but didn't really bond with us until we were capable of speech. She was the same way with her great-grandchildren. My other deceased grandmother, adored babies, so she was always hands on with all of us, from the day we were born.

[JeezLouise]

My mom hates visiting my sister, because my sister and her H have a dog that they treat like a child. The dog has a blanket that they spread in a chair for it, and gets to lick the dishes when they put them in the dishwasher. My mom hates that, and hates all the dog hair that is everywhere. So she just doesn't go.

 

How do your mom and W get along? Does your mom have different views on child raising, and is staying away until the baby is older to avoid arguments or biting her tongue?

[georgejungle]

QUESTION:

 

Do you think it just needs to be US who take baby up

to visit MY Parents? Is that what i just need to do?

 

Maybe my Mom is just old school and expects a "Call

your Mother" , "YOU visit your Mother, not the

other way around" kinda thing.

[GorillaTheater]

My situation is not entirely dissimilar. My mom (due to her own MIL issues, I think) is almost pathological about not wanting to seem like she's interfering in our lives, to the point of never visiting unless specifically invited. And this has been going on for 25 years.

 

Do you invite her over for a specific date or occassion? What's her response?

[georgejungle]

My situation is not entirely dissimilar. My mom (due to her own MIL issues, I think) is almost pathological about not wanting to seem like she's interfering in our lives, to the point of never visiting unless specifically invited. And this has been going on for 25 years.

 

Do you invite her over for a specific date or occassion? What's her response?

 

WOW, kindred spirits...

 

My Mother also does this, the "not wanting to seem like she's interfering in our lives" type thing. She's done it in the past. I always am the

one initiating the visits up to them. I never ask her to come to us,

because i figured she'd just WANT to come up. And your reply really

sparked something in my memory: I remember before we even had

children, my mother complaining to me once that one of my cousins

has never invited her to his home. My mother is his Godmother.

 

My Mother must just like invites, maybe she wants to feel needed

and wanted. Hmm...

[blind_otter]

On mother's day my son and I were at my mom's house and she mentioned that she keeps her distance because my aunt was all up in her business during the first months after her first child's birth and she felt "robbed" (her words)....

 

So sometimes they are trying to be considerate, I think.

 

My mother lives 10 minutes away, btw.

[GorillaTheater]

WOW, kindred spirits...

 

My Mother also does this, the "not wanting to seem like she's interfering in our lives" type thing. She's done it in the past. I always am the

one initiating the visits up to them. I never ask her to come to us,

because i figured she'd just WANT to come up. And your reply really

sparked something in my memory: I remember before we even had

children, my mother complaining to me once that one of my cousins

has never invited her to his home. My mother is his Godmother.

 

My Mother must just like invites, maybe she wants to feel needed

and wanted. Hmm...

 

Yep, sounds like our moms have a fair bit in common, and it looks like you're getting on the right path to resolving the issue. 25 years of marriage and I still have to invite my mom over, and it's fine; that's just the way she is and I'm not going to change her.

[blind_otter]

Yep, sounds like our moms have a fair bit in common, and it looks like you're getting on the right path to resolving the issue. 25 years of marriage and I still have to invite my mom over, and it's fine; that's just the way she is and I'm not going to change her.

 

I like having to invite my mother, rather than her trying to push me to do things all the time and coming over unannounced. My S/O's mother does this and god love her, she is a very nice woman but it can get annoying. The last time she babysat she invited herself to spend the night when we got home after the baby fell asleep when we finally had some private time to get busy....gah.

[GorillaTheater]

I like having to invite my mother, rather than her trying to push me to do things all the time and coming over unannounced. My S/O's mother does this and god love her, she is a very nice woman but it can get annoying. The last time she babysat she invited herself to spend the night when we got home after the baby fell asleep when we finally had some private time to get busy....gah.

 

I hear ya; if I could impart some of my mom's attitude onto my MIL, life WOULD be a little easier ...

[georgejungle]

Where does this come from though??

 

My Mother will Always preface invites to me and my wife

like: "No Pressure, but if you guys aren't busy, We're going

to Lunch and would love to have you..." It's always "No Pressure"

or "We understand if you can't make it"...Before we even get a

chance to answer. There have been family events that, had we known,

we would have gone, but my Mom never told us.

 

This thread has really made me realize some things. I thank you

all for the replies.

[Heroic]

We moved to within 10 minutes of both of our parents houses. In the course of three years my mother visited 3 times. Her parents once. We moved 4 hours away and see them more frequently.

[Zolie]

My mom hates visiting my sister, because my sister and her H have a dog that they treat like a child. The dog has a blanket that they spread in a chair for it, and gets to lick the dishes when they put them in the dishwasher. My mom hates that, and hates all the dog hair that is everywhere. So she just doesn't go.

 

How do your mom and W get along? Does your mom have different views on child raising, and is staying away until the baby is older to avoid arguments or biting her tongue?

 

This is a very good point. I would not want to go visit my offspring if I had to face what your mom does with your sister.

 

My mom rarely visits me, either, but I don't have animals, and my place is always clean for her. She is just weird and prefers her computer over her children, grandchildren, and great grandchild.

 

To the OP - I very much understand what you are feeling. My mom does not have much of a relationship with my two children, because she was never around them when they were growing up, and is around them less now that they are young adults. They don't dislike her, they just don't know her.

 

My daughter has a 3 year old, and my mother has only seen him a handful of times. I am totally involved in my grandson's life, because I want him to know he has a grandmother who loves him fiercely!

 

I don't really have any solutions for you, OP. I can't even figure my own mother out.

[georgejungle]

I will give my Mum this: She does have my teenage sisters

to deal with still living at home. School, chauffeuring them to

school, functions, being wife to Dad. HOWEVER, they are always

taking mini-vacations, going to theme parks, staying very active.

So i can see that they have their own little family-world going on.

 

 

**LAST QUESTION:

If it's gonna take US making the drive to see them so that my

parents can enjoy their Grandchild more than just weekly phone

pics and a call every 2-3 weeks (when they live less than 2 hours

away), HOW CAN I convince my wife to make that drive? Wife

is having trouble understanding why WE have to be the ones to

drive down, when her own parents will drive 4 hours a few times

a month to see baby. Wife is starting to take it personal. I have

at times, i admit and at times i'm like F*** it, if they want to see

baby, they can drive up. But, i don't want to be so negative.

[Trialbyfire]

george, I think your wife is spoiled. The world doesn't revolve around her, regardless of what her parents believe.

[georgejungle]

george, I think your wife is spoiled. The world doesn't revolve around her, regardless of what her parents believe.

 

I do think she gets a little too snippy about the whole thing,

just because her parents want to be so involved and call

almost every other day. Maybe i'm to blame for expressing my

hurt feelings to my Wife about my own parents, wondering why they

don't call as much or come to see baby. She did though, come to the

hospital when baby was born, stayed there for days, threw us a shower

prior to birth, she does care...she's just BUSY i guess.

 

if i'm being a dork about the whole thing, then tell me.

[Trialbyfire]

Each family is different, in how they show love. Your wife's family is the "in your face" variety, where closer, closer, joined at the hip works for them. Your mother is less so but has definitely shown she cares. Whether she's got the luxury of having the time to spend with the three of you, is kind of moot. She loves you.

 

When I was married, we spent more time with my family since I was closer them and they were more fun/social. His family were nice too, just not as closely knit. We never compared the amount of attention given, since both sets of parents loved us, just in their own way.

[Kamille]

Could you simply have a heart to heart talk with your mom about this? To me, it sounds like she doesn't want to be a bother. This is likely what the "No pressure" prefaces mean. She wants to respect that your wife and you are building your own lives.

 

See, my sister and my mom are the opposite: my mom would like to be more involved in her grandkid's life and my sister would like her to only drop by when she is invited.

 

What it boils down to is that your mom cannot guess what arrangement suits you and your wife better; nor can you guess the reasons why she isn't as involved as you would like. Hence, why not discuss it together?

Let her know you would really like her to come see her grandchild more often. Invite her and inviter her to drop by.

[georgejungle]

Each family is different, in how they show love. Your wife's family is the "in your face" variety, where closer, closer, joined at the hip works for them. Your mother is less so but has definitely shown she cares. Whether she's got the luxury of having the time to spend with the three of you, is kind of moot. She loves you.

 

When I was married, we spent more time with my family since I was closer them and they were more fun/social. His family were nice too, just not as closely knit. We never compared the amount of attention given, since both sets of parents loved us, just in their own way.

 

 

This Helps A lot, Trial. Thanks to you. Thanks to everyone!