sad mother

[raincow]

I'm the youngest of 4 daughters, (they beyond 30 Im 21). I have divorced parents since a few years..

My family makes me sad, but there's a part of me that really wants to see them and hopes everything will be like it used to be (at some point we were all a lot closer) and most of all I would like to see my mother happy. At the moment I'm living in another country but I have to go home.. and feel extremely anxious about it

 

Growing up, my dad was a distant figure who was always after other women (not being very discreet about it) and alcohol. I hated him. Mentally he was like a toddler. Mostly he acted as if I didn't excist, he'd say hello but that was it, I refused to even say hello back and would cover my eyes and ears as soon as I noticed he was around, run off to my room. We lived under the same roof till I was 16. Haven't had any contact since. Mother would always bicker his brains out, and then physical violence would always hang in the air.

My mother has very low self esteem. And can be very insulting. I have never been able to talk to her about anything because I've never trusted her (or anyone in my family), and it's always upset her. When I was about 9 I was sat on my bed crying my eyes out listening to my parents arguing (every eve) when she came in and asked me why I was crying, I told her that I wished they'd divorce because it would make her happier and she started crying. She asked me (and she meant it) if I didn't love her and asked if I thought she should kill herself "Is that what you want?" I said no and ran off while she stayed in there crying and screaming.

 

Another time I had taken less than a pound from her purse cos I never had any set rules about money and when I came home from school she was hanging with her head below the kitchentable with a big empty bottle on the side, vomiting, half mumbling strange words half screaming, she wasn't conscious and scared the life out of me. The next day she came to me and was absolutely furious that I had taken money from her.

And another time I was in the kitchen singing while I was cooking, when mother came to me and said Sit down! I sat down and she looked very worried, shaking with tears in her eyes and said "There must be something wrong with you... do you hear voices in your head?" I said no but she wouldn't believe me. She has threathened to kill herself quite a few times 'because of' problems I've had, my "weirdness" (I was very depressed in high school and skipped lots of classes - never saw anyone about it though but I was extremely low) As soon as the word 'problem' was in the air she'd empty the med. cupboard grab some alcohol and run off crying.

Her turning everything into seeking pity for herself drives me mad.

 

I've been my mothers only company for many years, after my sisters had moved. I'd never go out with or to friends and neither did she. So she got used to having me around at all times.. But now she's the saddest and most depressing person ever (and so are the rest) and I've had enough (I escaped abroad a year ago).

She always asks me why I don't want to talk, why I isolate myself from the family, and I have no good answer that won't upset her, it just doesn't feel genuine or right..(they make me sad to the bones) if I don't answer her she start's with the "do you hate your mother?" "what's wrong with you" "I have been too nice to you, I'm the kindest of souls and it's such a burden to be so nice sigh" or she start's with the "As usual everything is my fault sigh, I'm sorry about existing sorry sorry"

 

My sisters closeness I feel excluded from, they're family (although they don't all get along) while I'm 'the weirdo' that no one can understand. Yes they refer to me as the weirdo. But I've always wished to be in the 'gang', I shut them out because I don't trust anyone of them and just don't feel like their sister, or welcomed, and I get very shy around them..

When I was a kid they were my idols and I loved them to pieces but for some reason it's just painful to be around them now (feel completely outside)

I care a lot for my mother and hate seeing her miserable, but she's constantly sad and whenever I do speak she gets that crying voice "Why do you sound so angry?" and I tell her that I'm not angry and then she apologises for disturbing me and thats usually where it ends. She says that I'm not responsible for her happiness but she makes me feel guilty about her sadness. I feel guilty about not 'loving' her, about not wanting much contact with my family, about my mother's health (which isn't so good), about upsetting my sisters (avoiding contact)

 

The last time I went home I was really looking forward to it, but spent all 3 weeks weeping, bickering and feeling alienated.

She knows about this (It really upset her and had no idea), but I still don't know how to cope with feeling so alienated and seeing my family without bursting into tears

[quankanne]

aw, honey .... (((((hugs)))))

 

you're at the tail end of a horribly dysfunctional family and it sounds like you're trying to tidy up problems that aren't of your own making. But it's okay – you don't have to be the perfect or good child, you're allowed to be angry at their behavior, but most of all, you're allowed to befriend (and love) people who, by their very loving nature, are the "family" God has given you.

 

first question: are you in a position to get counseling or participate in group therapy to help you through this? I understand that there is a group for families of alcoholics (AlAnon?) that provides a forum for counseling and grieving ... see if it's available in your area and seriously consider going to meetings to help you get your bearings.

 

next, do you have any friends or even relatives who you'd feel good about being part of their family? Because it's not wrong or bad to accept the love the bring to a relationship, and oftentimes, it provides the healing you need when someone accepts and loves you for yourself.

 

third: DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF for your frucked up family. They were that way long before you appeared in the picture, and have chosen to be screwed up. YOU have nothing to do with it, even if you may believe otherwise. They do not know how to be personally responsible for their behavior, so they put it off on others (I can identify).

 

last, you are a grown person now, and if it makes you feel uncomfortable dealing with their bullshxt or drama or whatever you want to call it, you can walk away. You can keep limited contact or conversation. You can stop it in its tracks by telling your family what you're not going to listen to, put up with or be subjected to. Believe me, after you get past the guilt, it's very ... freeing!

 

don't let their problems completely shape who you are, or stifle you. THEY chose their lives, you are entitle to chose how to live yours, and it doesn't have to include all the crap theirs does.

 

more hugs,

q

[georgejungle]

I agree, you have to live your life the way YOU want and

not let their problems derail you.

 

That's a lesson i'm pounding into my brain this morning.