sister-in-law/husband problems

[Fran]

My husband and his family are from another country. About 4 months ago, his youngest sister decided that she wanted to continue her college education in the U.S. and attend the local university in the town we live in. I had no problem with this. I knew that it had been a few years since my husband and his sister had seen each other. Here's the deal:

 

My husband went behind my back and discussed his sister's living arrangements without even consulting me. He just came in one day and said that she was going to live with us. Well, we live in a tiny 1 bedroom apartment. Where in the world did he think she would sleep??? I told me no she wasn't going to live with us because we did not have the space to accomadate her. That she would either have to live in the dorms or live with their father, who has a huge house and the space for her. So she lives with their father now. But I still have another problem.

 

My husband insists on spending every free moment with his sister. He has even changed his work schedule around so he can have the same days off that his sister is not in class. He never did this for me. He would not change his schedule for me so we would have the same days off.

 

I don't mind him spending time with his sister. It's just that my husband and I have not had a day to ourselves in 4 months. If we plan to do anything(movies, dining out, shopping) he has to go and pick his sister up. He also uses his free time to go and get her and take her to run her errands.

 

I am just beginning to feel that she's a third wheel in the relationship. I never have any private time with my husband. If she isn't here at our house, he is wanting to go over to his dad's to see her, or she is calling here 10 times a day looking for my husband. It's almost like she has binoculars. Everytime my husband and I start to have sex, the phone rings and it's her and he justs forgets about it to talk to his sister.

 

I have tried to talk to him in a rational manner about this, but he just doesn't get it. It flies right over his head. We had a strong, healthy marriage until she moved here and now he doesn't act like the same man I know. He says that I am jealous. Maybe I am a little. But who wouldn't be???? I never hardly have a free minute with my own husband. I have even asked him if there is something in the marriage that is making him unhappy and he is avoided the issue/and or me by being with his sister all the time. He tells me no, that she is his little sister and he has to take care of her. PLEAZZZZE!! She is a grown woman that can take care of herself. When he and his sister are together, they both speak their native language and I have no idea what's being said or going on. I feel very left out.

 

I have my suspicions that he is secretly giving her money to live on, too. This is money that we desperately need. When the bank statements come, I check them and I notice where $50 or $100 has been withdrawn at the ATM and I cannot account for this missing money and he claims that he cannot either. I think he is lying.

 

I have tried to be understanding, respectful and tactful with this isssue. But I am at the point where I will not be able to hold my tongue much longer.

 

I know that I am angry much of the time because of this, but I try to keep my mouth shut. I just don't know how to handle this.

 

Any advice would be appreciated.

[midori]

depending on your husband's culture, this might be somewhat common behavior for a doting brother and young, single sister. If so, I think you'll have to be a bit understanding, there's no way you'll be able to get your husband to view his devotion to his sister as inappropriate. Where we see a spoiled, dependent woman who should grow up and take care of herself, he sees a beloved creature who must be nurtured and treasured until she finds a husband to take care of her.

 

What you *could* do is point out to your husband that part of his sister's American education ought to be making American friends, and establishing an identity for herself. Part of the reason this country is successful is that it encourages women to think for themselves, be responsible for themselves and be productive as their talents allow. Independence is key to that. Mind you, many conservative cultures find modern American life to be abhorrent, especially the lifestyles of young single women. Part of your husband's concern for his sister may be to shield her from certain unsavory aspects of American life.

 

Overall, I suggest a serious heart-to-heart with your husband, in which you don't berate him for his devotion to your sis-in-law but you make it clear that it's taking a toll on your marriage. He's not living back home, he's not married to a woman from his own culture. If that's what he wanted, he shouldn't have married you. He is not living up to the standards of behavior you expect from your husband: devotion to you first and foremost, free time with you before others, honesty and agreement about how money is spent. You might be willing to make some concessions for his sister, but you will not tolerate the way things have been. You shouldn't have to compete with your sister-in-law for your husband's attention.

 

He can still be a good brother to her, and be there for her when she *needs* it. She needs to understand that she is not always his #1 priority, that she cannot make endless demands on his time and money, and that she needs to respect your spare time, autonomy, and wish for marital privacy.

 

This can be an ego boost for him: worshipping little sister who thinks her big brother can do no wrong, provided he comes through for her with money, favors, etc. It might not just be the cultural expectations that encourage this behavior, but the personal gratification he gets from engaging in it.

 

I don't know why but I don't have a good feeling about this. The fact that your husband has done things behind your back and denies knowledge of them when confronted, suggests to me that he knows full well that you wouldn't go along with his behavior if you knew about it. So I don't know how receptive he'll be to modifying his approach to his sister. But if you don't bring it up, things will only get worse. You might as well file the divorce papers.

 

Good luck.

[Fran]

I appreciate your honest reply. I agree with you on everything that you said. I haven't had a good feeling about this from day one. When I found out that she was moving here, I had this feeling of dread that I could not shake. Guess my intuition was right.

 

I am going to try and talk to him in a non-threatening manner, if that's possible. I've held my tongue for so long I am afraid that I'll get diarrhea of the mouth.

 

My best friend suggested a little reverse pyschology on him, if that will work. She suggested that the next day he has off and has included his sister in his plans, to decline the invitation. Then go out with my own friends and do my own thing and tell him that I'll see him later. Then really tell him how much fun I had that day and how I cannot wait to do it again. He may start to feel left out and that he is not part of my life.

 

I don't know if this will work. Everytime I have tried to do something like this it always backfires on me and does not produce the results I want.

 

But I am desperate and will try anything to resolve this. I really don't know if the talking will do anything. My husband is very, very stubborn.

 

Any other suggestions??

[HokeyReligions]

midori's post was spot-on. I will add that you should set up a separate bank account and start pigeon-holeing some money for yourself. The part about giving her money is what worries me. Get your bills in order too -- if you can close accounts - do it. If you can get debts put into his name only - do it. Besides covering your a$$, it might kick him in the head a little as to how much he is hurting you and how much he is disrespecting you and your feelings and needs.

 

If he won't listen to you or explain to your satisfaction, his behavior and you can't make a plan for the future - tell him bluntly that he is violating the vows you took and that you hold sacred and that the marriage is in danger. Sometimes it takes some reminding of the wedding vows.

 

Good Luck with this.

[Fran]

You were reading my mind!!!!!!! Actually all the bills(utilities, rent, phone and cable) are in his name so that's one thing I won't have to do. I do have my own credit cards and he is not authorized to use them and he does not know any pin numbers. So I know that he cannot take money or use them for his sister's benefit.

 

I was planning on going to the bank tomorrow and taking my money out of the joint account and starting my own. Then he cannot take my hard-earned money to give her either. That's what really makes me mad. It's almost like she expects money from her family to live on. Well, not me. Maybe this will wake him up. I don't want to be nasty about it, but maybe this is the attitude I am going to have to develop to get my point across.

[Debster]

This might help us give you better advice. If it's not a cultural issue, than it seems like a scary Jerry Springer episode.

 

But, sorry to tell you, you are the fifth wheel.

 

The next time you want a little something, something, I'd unplug the phone.

[Fran]

My husband is a Quechua Indian from the Andes Mountains of Peru.

[Guest]

I am in the same situation as your in. My sister-in-law thinks she is his first priority and calls 10 times a day with her problems. I think I would go mad about this. I really dont know what to do withis situation but can really go worse than this since my husband thinks she is his DUTY and and takes any amount of crap from her.

 

He says she has lot of gratitude for whatever he does to her which I dont have.

 

I amfeeling day by day that I am being his second priority (acutually 3rd) and doesn't consult me on anything he does to his sis. I am just given information of what is being done after taking a decision consulting his sis and mother. I am an educated working women but feel very very NEGLECTED.

 

i LOVE MY HUSBAND but i am confused with this sort of behaviour.

 

I tried to confront him many times but he says SHE is like his daughter and she is his DUTY.

 

sHE CALLS AT 12:00 AT NIGHT . When I talk to him about this he says what's wrong with this and she has the LIBERTY to call him at any time. He is forgetting that I also there in all this.

 

He says he likes my father and is there with me only because he does not want to hurt him.

 

I AM LOST.

 

PLEASE HELP ME.

 

 

 

 

 

 

My husband and his family are from another country. About 4 months ago, his youngest sister decided that she wanted to continue her college education in the U.S. and attend the local university in the town we live in. I had no problem with this. I knew that it had been a few years since my husband and his sister had seen each other. Here's the deal:

 

My husband went behind my back and discussed his sister's living arrangements without even consulting me. He just came in one day and said that she was going to live with us. Well, we live in a tiny 1 bedroom apartment. Where in the world did he think she would sleep??? I told me no she wasn't going to live with us because we did not have the space to accomadate her. That she would either have to live in the dorms or live with their father, who has a huge house and the space for her. So she lives with their father now. But I still have another problem.

 

My husband insists on spending every free moment with his sister. He has even changed his work schedule around so he can have the same days off that his sister is not in class. He never did this for me. He would not change his schedule for me so we would have the same days off.

 

I don't mind him spending time with his sister. It's just that my husband and I have not had a day to ourselves in 4 months. If we plan to do anything(movies, dining out, shopping) he has to go and pick his sister up. He also uses his free time to go and get her and take her to run her errands.

 

I am just beginning to feel that she's a third wheel in the relationship. I never have any private time with my husband. If she isn't here at our house, he is wanting to go over to his dad's to see her, or she is calling here 10 times a day looking for my husband. It's almost like she has binoculars. Everytime my husband and I start to have sex, the phone rings and it's her and he justs forgets about it to talk to his sister.

 

I have tried to talk to him in a rational manner about this, but he just doesn't get it. It flies right over his head. We had a strong, healthy marriage until she moved here and now he doesn't act like the same man I know. He says that I am jealous. Maybe I am a little. But who wouldn't be???? I never hardly have a free minute with my own husband. I have even asked him if there is something in the marriage that is making him unhappy and he is avoided the issue/and or me by being with his sister all the time. He tells me no, that she is his little sister and he has to take care of her. PLEAZZZZE!! She is a grown woman that can take care of herself. When he and his sister are together, they both speak their native language and I have no idea what's being said or going on. I feel very left out.

 

I have my suspicions that he is secretly giving her money to live on, too. This is money that we desperately need. When the bank statements come, I check them and I notice where $50 or $100 has been withdrawn at the ATM and I cannot account for this missing money and he claims that he cannot either. I think he is lying.

 

I have tried to be understanding, respectful and tactful with this isssue. But I am at the point where I will not be able to hold my tongue much longer.

 

I know that I am angry much of the time because of this, but I try to keep my mouth shut. I just don't know how to handle this.

 

Any advice would be appreciated.