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my mother's friend


shadowplay

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I can't tell if I'm being selfish or ungenerous for feeling this way.

 

My mother, a psychologist, befriended one of her old patients a few years ago. This woman is about 20 years younger than my mom and because she's estranged with her own mother, she sort of sees my mother as a surrogate mom.

 

They've become extremely close. They call each other multiple time a day and see each other several times a week.

 

The woman is very nice and sort of child-like in her demeanor.

 

I like her (although she's a bit strange), but I don't know her very well because the friendship started in earnest while I was away in college.

 

I'm starting to get irritated, though, because my parents invite her to every single holiday and family get-together, no matter how intimate. I think it's nice that they include her, and I wouldn't mind if it was 1/2 or even 2/3 of the time, but the fact that she's at every single get-together my family has (and we're only talking my immediate family here: father, mother, brother and me) feels unnatural to me.

 

In the past, even when we had friends over for holidays we would have some intimate immediate family only time. But now we never get that. This woman feels like an alien presence to me and I rarely feel at ease when she's around. I just wish we could have some family only time, once in awhile.

 

I also have this strange feeling that my mother is kind of replacing me as a daughter with this other woman whom she sees much more often.

 

It's as if my parents decided to adopt a full-grown adult while I was away at college and now I'm supposed to act comfortable around this person I barely know. She's always there, probably at my family's house 3 or 4 times a week.

 

Am I overreacting?

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pink smartie

Are you overeacting? Yes and no.

 

Your feelings are what they are and you are entitled to them. But you may be overreacting if you haven't approached your mother constructively about your concerns.

 

Your mom is probably trying to fill a void in her life now that you are gone - and she has the right to do that too. Discussing your feelings with your mom would likely help you better understand her motivations.

 

Also, you're a young adult now, which means you are as responsible as your parents for making sure your needs are met within the family. Why don't you organize an event for your family, specifying to your parents that you want it to be just the four of you. Offer to cook a family dinner or organize an outing.

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Are you overeacting? Yes and no.

 

Your feelings are what they are and you are entitled to them. But you may be overreacting if you haven't approached your mother constructively about your concerns.

 

Your mom is probably trying to fill a void in her life now that you are gone - and she has the right to do that too. Discussing your feelings with your mom would likely help you better understand her motivations.

 

Also, you're a young adult now, which means you are as responsible as your parents for making sure your needs are met within the family. Why don't you organize an event for your family, specifying to your parents that you want it to be just the four of you. Offer to cook a family dinner or organize an outing.

 

The thing is I HAVE tried to bring it up politely to my mother, but every time I do she flies off the handle.

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pink smartie
The thing is I HAVE tried to bring it up politely to my mother, but every time I do she flies off the handle.

 

I'm sorry to hear this. Do you have any ideas why she would be so sensitive about this subject?

 

Then I really don't think you are overreacting, but it definitely makes the situation more delicate.

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Hi,

 

It seems normal to me that you'd be jealous and annoyed a bit.

 

But all that "love" is not going to last very long.

 

When things are extreme like that they are doomed to fail.

 

Also, you are feeling like this because you are probably home, when you go back to school you'll forget this person.

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It's as if my parents decided to adopt a full-grown adult while I was away at college and now I'm supposed to act comfortable around this person I barely know. She's always there, probably at my family's house 3 or 4 times a week.

 

Am I overreacting?

 

 

What's she doing at your house 3 or 4 times a week? Sit on the couch, watch some TV and eat chips?

 

Yes, it's very strange. Is it possible that your mom is having an affair with her? What about your parents inviting her to their bedroom?

 

Something weird is going on. How old is this lady? How old is your brother and what does he feel?

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Shadow, a little jealousy on your part is Ok, but they are your PARENTS and have every right to include anyone they want to the family circle.

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Chrome Barracuda

Yeah it's definitely crazy, since when does psychologist brings patients to their home in their personal lives. There is a such thing called ethics! your mother can be hurt financially and through litigation if something goes wrong!

 

You need to talk to your moms asap!

 

Also I have also thought about the affair angle too!!! that's not so far fetched.

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Jake Barnes
What's she doing at your house 3 or 4 times a week? Sit on the couch, watch some TV and eat chips?

 

Yes, it's very strange. Is it possible that your mom is having an affair with her? What about your parents inviting her to their bedroom?

 

Something weird is going on. How old is this lady? How old is your brother and what does he feel?

Yeah I agree, her mom is definitely going down on this chick
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mental_traveller

IMO it's your mother's life, if she wants a friend and to meet often, she's perfectly entitled to that.

 

You are not dating your mother, so how does jealousy come into this?

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Chrome Barracuda
IMO it's your mother's life, if she wants a friend and to meet often, she's perfectly entitled to that.

 

You are not dating your mother, so how does jealousy come into this?

 

Hold on, so it's perfectly okay for a psychotherapist to invite who know what into her home around her children and family and act like everything is cool? Dont you see something is wrong with this picture. and when the other shoe drops I bet you anything in the world the family will suffer for it.

 

And it's jealousy I feel because the OP stated that she feels this young girl is trying to push her outta the picture by being held in the place of the daughter the mother wish she had. I could be wrong.

 

Do you not see anything wrong with the picture or are you that damn naive???

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Hold on, so it's perfectly okay for a psychotherapist to invite who know what into her home around her children and family and act like everything is cool? Dont you see something is wrong with this picture. and when the other shoe drops I bet you anything in the world the family will suffer for it.

 

And it's jealousy I feel because the OP stated that she feels this young girl is trying to push her outta the picture by being held in the place of the daughter the mother wish she had. I could be wrong.

 

Do you not see anything wrong with the picture or are you that damn naive???

 

I agree. If she is a counsin, say her mother's sibling's daughter, I think it would be kind of okay, but still out of the norm. But, she was a stranger to the family and she was a patient. And now, she is atteding EVERY intimate family event, some of which only involved her parents, her and her brother, and she comes to her parents' house 3-4 times a weeks! That cannot be normal. Something is going on. It's not that far fetched to think that her mom is having an affair with this girl or her parents are involving this girl in a threesome.

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BlueEyedGirl

Ariadne is right. Nothing that intense can last for a long period of time. It will all burn itself out soon enough.

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BlueEyedGirl

BTW I understand how you feel. My mum has become best friends with my brother's gf and gf is constantly at parents house giggling with my mum etc. It's not the same situation but it annoys the hell out of me.

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littlekitty

I'm quite :eek: at the number of people who think the Mum (or parents) are sleeping with this women!!

 

I would think it's quite possible with the OP away at college, this girl might have allowed the Mother to continue playing a 'mothering' type role that she feels comfortable with?

 

Clearly your parents have taken this girl 'into' your family and see at part of it.

 

But I can understand how it would be difficult for you to accept.

 

When you say your Mum flies off the handle when you try and discuss it with her, what exactly does she say? What makes her angry about discussing it?

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I can't tell if I'm being selfish or ungenerous for feeling this way.

 

My mother, a psychologist, befriended one of her old patients a few years ago. This woman is about 20 years younger than my mom and because she's estranged with her own mother, she sort of sees my mother as a surrogate mom.

 

They've become extremely close. They call each other multiple time a day and see each other several times a week.

 

The woman is very nice and sort of child-like in her demeanor.

 

I like her (although she's a bit strange), but I don't know her very well because the friendship started in earnest while I was away in college.

 

I'm starting to get irritated, though, because my parents invite her to every single holiday and family get-together, no matter how intimate. I think it's nice that they include her, and I wouldn't mind if it was 1/2 or even 2/3 of the time, but the fact that she's at every single get-together my family has (and we're only talking my immediate family here: father, mother, brother and me) feels unnatural to me.

 

In the past, even when we had friends over for holidays we would have some intimate immediate family only time. But now we never get that. This woman feels like an alien presence to me and I rarely feel at ease when she's around. I just wish we could have some family only time, once in awhile.

 

I also have this strange feeling that my mother is kind of replacing me as a daughter with this other woman whom she sees much more often.

 

It's as if my parents decided to adopt a full-grown adult while I was away at college and now I'm supposed to act comfortable around this person I barely know. She's always there, probably at my family's house 3 or 4 times a week.

 

Am I overreacting?

 

Hi Shadow wow here again,someone(you) are going threw a saame problem as me. I also have a lady who just lived with my mom,and mom's BF for like 6 months,and this lady is like 20 years younger than my mom.

 

Well I ust flew up to maine(I live in NC) for a week,and this lady would not even give my mom and I ANYTIME alone,I think mom and I had two hours to ourselves the morning I was to fly back down here NC.

 

Now I haven't seen my mom in 5 years,and this lady takes money from my mom,and everything,and my mom and lady,and I were driving to Bangor,and my mom turns around and tells me she's leaving the house in maine to this lady. I WAS ABOUT TO CUSS WTF ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT MOM F THAT B****H,I'm your frigging Daughter,but I just looked at mom,like yeah whatever,I told mom later when I got home this lady is using you,and I dont like her. CALL IT JEALOUSY or what ever.

 

BUT I know how you feel so even if you feel jelousy,so what,its your feelings,and you have a right to have your own opinion about this person,who is taking your time with your parents. I feel bad for you,and I know it hurts deep down,cuz it hurts me. ust make sure she is not trying to snake her way into whatever she can.

 

By the way after I kept telling my mom how this lady talked,and acted in front of me alone,I told my mom to WAKE UP your being USED,and now mom kicked her out,but lady is still hanging around,she stole my mom's password to her internet(Oh what a true friend mom).

 

Just watch out for this person shadow,people today are only out for temselves,well alot are IMO. Best wishes jade

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I can't tell if I'm being selfish or ungenerous for feeling this way.

 

My mother, a psychologist, befriended one of her old patients a few years ago. This woman is about 20 years younger than my mom and because she's estranged with her own mother, she sort of sees my mother as a surrogate mom.

 

They've become extremely close. They call each other multiple time a day and see each other several times a week.

 

The woman is very nice and sort of child-like in her demeanor.

 

I like her (although she's a bit strange), but I don't know her very well because the friendship started in earnest while I was away in college.

 

I'm starting to get irritated, though, because my parents invite her to every single holiday and family get-together, no matter how intimate. I think it's nice that they include her, and I wouldn't mind if it was 1/2 or even 2/3 of the time, but the fact that she's at every single get-together my family has (and we're only talking my immediate family here: father, mother, brother and me) feels unnatural to me.

 

In the past, even when we had friends over for holidays we would have some intimate immediate family only time. But now we never get that. This woman feels like an alien presence to me and I rarely feel at ease when she's around. I just wish we could have some family only time, once in awhile.

 

I also have this strange feeling that my mother is kind of replacing me as a daughter with this other woman whom she sees much more often.

 

It's as if my parents decided to adopt a full-grown adult while I was away at college and now I'm supposed to act comfortable around this person I barely know. She's always there, probably at my family's house 3 or 4 times a week.

 

Am I overreacting?

 

I'm not saying you parents friend is a bad person,but just becarefull,alot of snakes out there. Thats all.

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It doesnt sound healthy at all. I would be sacked for having contact with my clients in such a context. I must therefore assume that Mom is self employed and so can blur the boundaries.. until something goes wrong. If this woman was to make an allegation..

 

My daughters would have kicked off ages ago, especially if they didnt like the woman. I dont get it... 3 or 4 times a week as well!

 

Why on earth is Mom doing this? Doesnt she watch the 'True Movie' Channel? This is like one of their stories! This SO goes against my personal Number One rule in life.. 'never bring drama home'.

 

Gosh, cant you just tell Mom to stop doing this? As a Psychologist I would have thought that she would be more aware of how this could effect you. You are the number one priority.

 

Take care,

Eve xx

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It doesnt sound healthy at all. I would be sacked for having contact with my clients in such a context. I must therefore assume that Mom is self employed and so can blur the boundaries.. until something goes wrong. If this woman was to make an allegation..

 

My daughters would have kicked off ages ago, especially if they didnt like the woman. I dont get it... 3 or 4 times a week as well!

 

Why on earth is Mom doing this? Doesnt she watch the 'True Movie' Channel? This is like one of their stories! This SO goes against my personal Number One rule in life.. 'never bring drama home'.

 

Gosh, cant you just tell Mom to stop doing this? As a Psychologist I would have thought that she would be more aware of how this could effect you. You are the number one priority.

 

Take care,

Eve xx

 

Have you read any of my repsonses to this post?

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Have you read any of my repsonses to this post?

 

Yeah, but I dont get that vibe.

 

I was thinking that Mom has a very misplaced vision of professional boundaries. Maybe she is trying to help ths lady but really it is too much of a breach of ethics to overly consider her reasons. I would say that Mom needs to be attending Supervisions far more often! It is these times where ones conduct can be openly examined by another professional. In a working environment Practitioners have to have Supervisions as such but I am not sure how this is monitored if one is self employed. Crap! This is so serious that the person Supervising may even have to break confidentiality in this case!

 

But what do I know? Maybe Mom is newly qualified? Regardless she should know better! I am most concerned about the the poster in all of this. Clients should not be discussed outside of the clinical setting - never mind come round for dinner on a regular basis! I think Mom needs to arrange a Supervision session asap and begin to find a way to slow down and stop this interaction in a safe way for the client.

 

Wow!

 

Take care,

Eve xx

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Yeah, but I dont get that vibe.

 

I was thinking that Mom has a very misplaced vision of professional boundaries. Maybe she is trying to help ths lady but really it is too much of a breach of ethics to overly consider her reasons. I would say that Mom needs to be attending Supervisions far more often! It is these times where ones conduct can be openly examined by another professional. In a working environment Practitioners have to have Supervisions as such but I am not sure how this is monitored if one is self employed. Crap! This is so serious that the person Supervising may even have to break confidentiality in this case!

 

But what do I know? Maybe Mom is newly qualified? Regardless she should know better! I am most concerned about the the poster in all of this. Clients should not be discussed outside of the clinical setting - never mind come round for dinner on a regular basis! I think Mom needs to arrange a Supervision session asap and begin to find a way to slow down and stop this interaction in a safe way for the client.

 

Wow!

 

Take care,

Eve xx

 

I think what changes the situation is that this woman was a patient of my mother's a long ago. She's basically known my mother her whole adolescent-adult life. She started seeing my mother when she was 15 and I think continued for about ten years. But this woman is now in her late thirties/early forties. She has terrible parents (mother especially), which is probably why she's latched on to my mother.

 

My mother is overall an excellent therapist, but I agree that she sometimes lacks boundaries. Because she's so great her patients frequently "fall in love" with her, so to speak, and she sometimes has trouble drawing a line.

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