my family hates my bf because of his race

[pharmgirl877]

Hi,

 

I really need some advice here. My family hates my bf because of his race and job (he's indian and a mechatronics/robotics engineering student) and absolutely forbids us to meet. My family wants me to marry a doctor, lawyer etc (someone with high status and salary) and who is also chinese/malaysian (someone in my own race).

 

just a bit of background, i'm 22 years old (chinese) and have a studying a respectable degree (pharmacy). I''ve been going out with my bf for 5 years, and he's honestly the best thing that's ever happened to me. A few years ago, i told my mum that I was going out with him, and she started crying so much and couldn't stop that she had to go to hospital. My aunt and grandma lives with us..and they don't make things any better. They side with my mum and just encourages her to yell more and more. After the hospital incident, she made us break up..and we did, for a few weeks. But i honestly couldn't live without him, and he was just as upset as I was, and even worse. Only my dad is a bit more accepting of him, my younger sisters are all siding with my mum. However, we got back together afterwards, and the second incident happened when he called me on my mobile phone and my sister answered, told my mum it was him, and they called him up (he lives alone here because his family work overseas, and he is studying here alone) and threatened to bash him up until he was quadraplegic, which almost caused him to call the police. He didn't, but we broke up once more, because his family feared for his safety. My mum also threatened to run him over with a car, and told me that if anything happens to her (my mum), it will be all my fault and that I'd have to carry the guilt forever. However, the break up didn't last long, and now we've been together for 5 years. my whole family sitll knows that we are still together, but his name is never mentioned. I just lie about where I go whenever i go out with him, and he comes to my uni when he has a break from his uni. We meet up around 2-3 times a week without my family knowing. I think my family still knows, but I never confirm/deny it.

 

The thing is, I really don't know what to do. I'm scared my mum will suicide or something (during the first incident, she wanted to run towards the road so that a car will hit her) when I tell her that we are still together. I am graduating from my course next year, and will be working full time, so I should be able to move out, but even when I mention moving out, she's already very annoyed and angry about it. She has already said that she will disown me if I decide to be with my boyfriend and marry him (and she really will do that). How do you think I should go about it? Do you think I should move out? I don't want to let my bf go, I know he is "the one" and we've already planned out our marriage. He's the best guy I know, and I know I'll never meet anyone close to as good as he is to me...he's the most caring, loving and respectful guy I know. And his family is great too! I've met them and they love me a lot too.

 

Please help, this is stressing me out a lot. I want to move out and live with my bf..but i don't know how I'm going to tell my mum. How should I deal with her disowning me and cutting all connections? Please help.

[letters]

Hi,

 

The thing is, I really don't know what to do. I'm scared my mum will suicide or something (during the first incident, she wanted to run towards the road so that a car will hit her) when I tell her that we are still together. I am graduating from my course next year, and will be working full time, so I should be able to move out, but even when I mention moving out, she's already very annoyed and angry about it. She has already said that she will disown me if I decide to be with my boyfriend and marry him (and she really will do that). How do you think I should go about it? Do you think I should move out? I don't want to let my bf go, I know he is "the one" and we've already planned out our marriage. He's the best guy I know, and I know I'll never meet anyone close to as good as he is to me...he's the most caring, loving and respectful guy I know. And his family is great too! I've met them and they love me a lot too.

 

Lol, that's pathetic. I would move out and marry him! Trust me she's not gonna run in front of a car! Rubbish! That is so lame, lame! And your siblings threatening to hurt your boyfriend, I wonder how they'd feel ecountering violent racism someday. Arrant nonsense! Just do you, there's only one life to live, live it!

[samsungxoxo]

Go do what you heart is feeling. At age 22 you are already old enough to choose who you wanna be with, don't let your mother ruin your life. Just tell her that in the end whether she likes it or not you are you the kissing him not her so she can't do nothing about it. And if it gets worst then make sure you got enough money to provide yourself before moving out of the house.

 

You can try talking to your father about how you feel about this since he's a bit more accepting as you mentioned. What are his opinions about him and the relationship?

[pharmgirl877]

Hey guys,

 

thanks for replying. It gives me some encouragement. My dad still doesn't want me to marry someone outside the race, but he's Ok with it. He said that he hopes my mum can accept it too, someday.

 

It's just a pity that my dad won't be able to persaude my mum. My mum is the one who makes all the decisions in the family.

[CailinPig]

Pharmgirl,

At the end of the day, I know it hurts because you love your family and you love your boyfriend too.

BUT your boyfriend will hopefully be your future so you've got to go with him. When you're able to move out, move in with him. Don't push things with your mum - don't talk about him with your mum, but try to maintain a relationship with her.

[pharmgirl877]

Hi,

 

Thank you very much for your reply. I am seriously considering moving out and in with him too, just don't know how to tell them without my family (mum and aunt and grandma) making a huge fit with it and threaten to disown me. It's still something I'm trying to work on.

 

Thank you for your reply. =)

[D-Lish]

That's just horrible. If my family treated me like that or acted in such a way- I'd disown them! What is so wrong with people that makes them hate like that.

 

Get out of that lousy environment and go be happy with your guy. If your mother and sisters can't accept it- that is their unfortunate choice.

 

Since when is an Engineer not an acceptable profession?

 

If your mother would honestly commit suicide because she doesn't like the colour of your boyfriend's skin, she's got some major issues. That's a brutal way to control your family- do what I say or I'll kill myself. Very unhealthy environment you are living in.

 

Go live your life exactly the way you want to- without guilt. If you don't, you'll live a life of resentment and look back with regret.

[Lights]

Your family is psychopathic. Absolutely move out.

 

I'm not going to necessarily say move in with your boyfriend--that's a judgement call specific to your relationship, and the choice to cohabit shouldn't be one done as an escape, but rather as a choice. But definitely move away from your parents, and enjoy your relationships on your own terms.

[Janus_28th]

Even here in the Philippines that is strictly practiced by the Filipino-Chinese community (not all though), posing barriers and rifts.

 

 

Fight for him girl. You know more than your parents.

[belocchoc129]

Well, I lived in Asian culture for a long time. So I know how tough it is, especially Chinese culture. There are still so many conservative people who want to keep stupid things (like in China, if you were born a girl in the past, you may have the probability of being killed by your own family). Now I'm convinced more that those conservative rules still exist after reading your story.

My advice is trying to find more support from other sibblings or your family' friends (if you had any on your side, tell them to persuade your mother). Otherwise, just write a letter telling your mother 'you are old enough to decide what should do and should not do for your life....stuff like that' in case you find it hard to verbally tell her. Before that, remember to plan everything (a place to stay, how to provide yourself....), then move out. She'd be really shocked, for sure!

But that's the only way to make her understand how tough it is to judge a person by his race. Your absence and your determination will make her think it over (according to what you said, she probably just makes the situation worse if you keep acting like you have no determination). Trust me, she's not gonna commit suicide if you just move out. That's just the weapon she uses to scare you.

Be brave and follow what your heart as well as your mind is telling you.

Best wishes

[burning 4 revenge]

Well if you do marry him you guys will make both Indian and Chinese food in your house so that sounds pretty good to me

[RecordProducer]

Can you have your dad influence your mom? It sounds like he's accepting your choice.

[Chrome Barracuda]

You know pharmgirl it's a double edged sword. He's indian right do you think his family is fond of you??? It might surprise you!

 

I'm sorry your family isnt accepting of him.engineering makes a hell of alot of money! Your parents are still living in the past with oudated caste systems.

 

It's happened to me too.

 

or it's going to happen let me rephrase that.

 

I can empathize.

[changchewsoon]

Hi pharmgirl877,

 

I'm a Malaysian Chinese myself, and I can understand how you feel now. Please do not give up on your boyfriend, you need to hang in there and eventually if your parents love you enough they will have to accept the choices you make in your life. You're old enough to be responsible for your own actions and you're fully capable of making your own decisions.

 

I guess probably one of the strongest reason why your mum is against your boyfriend is due to his race and skin color, which in my opinion is totally crap. We should never judge a person by their skin color, race of even religion. It really sucks to know that they are still people judging one another in that way.

 

Have you ever asked your mum to reveal the real reason why she's against your relationship? If she starts giving you "oh their gene is no as superior as ours" crap you can tell her to go fly a kite. I apologize if I do come across as rude, but I am seriously upset because what she's doing now is gonna to push you further away from the family.

 

On the other hand, how well do you blend in with his family? Are you close to his family? Any histories of domestic violence in the family? (this is a common trend within the local Indian community in our country hence I asked)

 

I am sure all the drama would probably cause a lot of stress to your boyfriend's family as well. Are they understanding enough to realize that your mom and you are 2 different persons and they should not lump the whole thing together? You said you've met his family and they love you, are you close enough to them to discuss about issue openly?

 

I've seen a lot of Chinese/Indian mix marriages gone bad, but of course there are successful ones as well. You just need to decide for yourself, is this man worth all the pain you're going through right now? If your answer is yes, then I guess whatever steps you take next will come naturally as an act

[pharmgirl877]

Hi,

 

Thanks for your reply!

 

My family's told me the reason why they don't like him - because they think he will just use all my money and won't find money himself (because they think he won't earn any money as an engineer).

 

No, his family's not actually traditional Indian. They're actually raised in Hong Kong (born and brought up there), so they can speak Chinese. And no history of family violence. His family's very lovely people, I've met them and keep in frequent contact with his family through MSN. They're very gentle people.

 

They're aware of the issues with my family as well. They're just hoping that my mum will accept it. =)

[Janus_28th]

(because they think he won't earn any money as an engineer)

 

 

well, even those who graduate with impressive honors and medals won't earn much unless they strive...

[mental_traveller]

Do you want to be a slave to your relatives and their customs, or a free individual in charge of your own life and destiny?

 

Once you've honestly answered that question, then the right course of action is obvious.

[Liquid]

First, I think interracial marriage is not a problem if families are accepting or at least not strongly against it.

 

With that being said, I am going to disagree with everyone in here.

 

Divorce rate is about 50%. With that kind of sacrafice and pressure, you have a much slimmer chance of a sucessful marriage. Basically, you're giving up your FAMILY, history, and the most important poeple in your life for a boy friend.

 

Normal married couples get into fights all the time, but most of the times, they made up. If they don't, they end up cheating, seperating, divorce, etc. Every time you and him fight after you're married, the fight will be multiplied by 5, because you will have resentment thinking "I gave up my whole FAMILY" for this shxt?

 

The question was asked above:

 

"Do you want to be a slave to your relatives and their customs, or a free individual in charge of your own life and destiny?

 

There is nothing wrong with preserving traditions, customs, and hold on to old values and your roots. What's wrong with today's society is that many seek individualism and "living every day to the fullest" crap that's being romanticized and glorified by teenagers, rap artists, immatures, immorals, self-cetered individuals, extreme-liberals, .......

 

Ask yourself this question.....can you really live with yourself for the rest of your life if you're completely being disowed by your whole family. How would you feel if you end up divorced 10 years down the road?

 

You are still young, inexperienced, and somewhat naive. If your family is so strongly against it, and you still go ahead and marry him, you will have a long difficult life ahead of you. Are you really okay and in peace with hurting your family for their holding to their traditions/believes?

[Chrome Barracuda]

First, I think interracial marriage is not a problem if families are accepting or at least not strongly against it.

 

With that being said, I am going to disagree with everyone in here.

 

Divorce rate is about 50%. With that kind of sacrafice and pressure, you have a much slimmer chance of a sucessful marriage. Basically, you're giving up your FAMILY, history, and the most important poeple in your life for a boy friend.

 

Normal married couples get into fights all the time, but most of the times, they made up. If they don't, they end up cheating, seperating, divorce, etc. Every time you and him fight after you're married, the fight will be multiplied by 5, because you will have resentment thinking "I gave up my whole FAMILY" for this shxt?

 

"Do you want to be a slave to your relatives and their customs, or a free individual in charge of your own life and destiny?

 

There is nothing wrong with preserving traditions, customs, and hold on to old values and your roots. What's wrong with today's society is that many seek individualism and "living every day to the fullest" crap that's being romanticized and glorified by teenagers, rap artists, immatures, immorals, self-cetered individuals, extreme-liberals, .......

 

Ask yourself this question.....can you really live with yourself for the rest of your life if you're completely being disowed by your whole family. How would you feel if you end up divorced 10 years down the road?

 

You are still young, inexperienced, and somewhat naive. If your family is so strongly against it, and you still go ahead and marry him, you will have a long difficult life ahead of you. Are you really okay and in peace with hurting your family for their holding to their traditions/believes?

 

 

Hmmm so your telling her to dump the boyfriend just because his skin color is darker than hers. Just because the mother wants pure chinese babies???

 

Is that it.

 

God it's 2009!! And yes I partly believe in dating your own ethnic group, BUT if you meet someone who you just vibe with no matter their racial background why not give it a chance. Ohhhhhh he's dark skinned he's no good. shoot can you just imagine if the OP brought a black man home??

 

LMAO Coronary central!

[Liquid]

Hmmm so your telling her to dump the boyfriend just because his skin color is darker than hers. Just because the mother wants pure chinese babies???

 

No and No. Re-read what I wrote.

 

 

God it's 2009!!

 

Just because it's 2025, doesn't mean everyone will accept broadcasting their own sex tape online as something that's acceptable and fine. Certain traditions and belief systems don't change.

[Chrome Barracuda]

No and No. Re-read what I wrote.

 

 

 

 

Just because it's 2025, doesn't mean everyone will accept broadcasting their own sex tape online as something that's acceptable and fine. Certain traditions and belief systems don't change.

 

I KNOW THAT!!!

 

I have a mother similar to the OP's and let me tell you something, I'm a grown azz man and she cant tell me jack! I date and have sex with whoever I want.

 

She may not like it and I understand why she wants a black grandchild but at the end of the day we're all human, customs and traditions will live on, but just because the baby might be mixed doesnt make him a complete abomination either.

 

That's what I'm mad about, it's like the mother thinks the worlds gonna end if her daughter continues to see her indian boyfriend. When the OP get's older and her mom starts to wither she's gonna say damn why didnt I make my own decisions to date what man I like. It's my choice. it's my life! right?

[pharmgirl877]

Hi,

 

Thank you for your replies. It's given me encouragement and a lot of things to think about too, from different POVs.

 

What you said about when I'm older and if I chose to follow customs and traditions, and expectations..I do think I will regret letting someone I know is perfect for me go. =) Afterall..I've done that all my life..follow what my family wants, even in choosing my career. But I agree it's time for me to take control of my life now..esp for something as big a decision as who I want to marry and spend the rest of my life with.

 

Thanks everyone for your replies!

 

pharmgirl877

[amerikajin]

Hi,

 

I really need some advice here. My family hates my bf because of his race and job (he's indian and a mechatronics/robotics engineering student) and absolutely forbids us to meet. My family wants me to marry a doctor, lawyer etc (someone with high status and salary) and who is also chinese/malaysian (someone in my own race).

 

just a bit of background, i'm 22 years old (chinese) and have a studying a respectable degree (pharmacy). I''ve been going out with my bf for 5 years, and he's honestly the best thing that's ever happened to me. A few years ago, i told my mum that I was going out with him, and she started crying so much and couldn't stop that she had to go to hospital. My aunt and grandma lives with us..and they don't make things any better. They side with my mum and just encourages her to yell more and more. After the hospital incident, she made us break up..and we did, for a few weeks. But i honestly couldn't live without him, and he was just as upset as I was, and even worse. Only my dad is a bit more accepting of him, my younger sisters are all siding with my mum. However, we got back together afterwards, and the second incident happened when he called me on my mobile phone and my sister answered, told my mum it was him, and they called him up (he lives alone here because his family work overseas, and he is studying here alone) and threatened to bash him up until he was quadraplegic, which almost caused him to call the police. He didn't, but we broke up once more, because his family feared for his safety. My mum also threatened to run him over with a car, and told me that if anything happens to her (my mum), it will be all my fault and that I'd have to carry the guilt forever. However, the break up didn't last long, and now we've been together for 5 years. my whole family sitll knows that we are still together, but his name is never mentioned. I just lie about where I go whenever i go out with him, and he comes to my uni when he has a break from his uni. We meet up around 2-3 times a week without my family knowing. I think my family still knows, but I never confirm/deny it.

 

The thing is, I really don't know what to do. I'm scared my mum will suicide or something (during the first incident, she wanted to run towards the road so that a car will hit her) when I tell her that we are still together. I am graduating from my course next year, and will be working full time, so I should be able to move out, but even when I mention moving out, she's already very annoyed and angry about it. She has already said that she will disown me if I decide to be with my boyfriend and marry him (and she really will do that). How do you think I should go about it? Do you think I should move out? I don't want to let my bf go, I know he is "the one" and we've already planned out our marriage. He's the best guy I know, and I know I'll never meet anyone close to as good as he is to me...he's the most caring, loving and respectful guy I know. And his family is great too! I've met them and they love me a lot too.

 

Please help, this is stressing me out a lot. I want to move out and live with my bf..but i don't know how I'm going to tell my mum. How should I deal with her disowning me and cutting all connections? Please help.

 

What I am about to write is going to be brutally blunt, but you posted this stuff and I feel compelled to comment on it.

 

Frankly, I think your family is displaying some of the worst traits of humanity. They're guilty not just mere prejudice or bias; they're guilty of outright hatred of another person based on the fact that he's of a different race. The threats to his safety and well-being are disgusting. Just flatly despicable. I mean, to tell the truth, if you're mom actually does commit suicide over this....well??? You, of course, have a lot to be commended for, having grown up in that environment and not being jaded.

 

Unfortunately there is no easy way out for you on this one. My own life experience tells me that you are probably going to end up parting ways with this guy, which is unfortunate, but it's the reality of relationships. I think the only way you could possibly make it work with your lover would be to move out of the house and go live with this guy somewhere far away. That sounds all well and good, but the reality is, there are consequences. Your family would be livid with you, and might even think of you as a traitor. There is no way to know what exactly will happen regardless of what you do, but your family is not going to change. I think you have to think of it this way: you have to choose between your family and him.

 

I'm sorry. I feel for you. But that's the way it is. Honestly, if my girlfriend had a family like that, I'd have to think long and hard about marriage and that's even with her living over here. If I were you...I really don't know what I would do...

 

Good luck.

[missdependant]

If your boyfriend is more respectful to you than your family, and I hope he is, you may as well take the leap and leave your family for him. He will serve more in the long run if you are absolutely sure you're in love.

 

Race does not dictate love.

 

Do you live in the US? Or China???

[shadowplay]

Wow, your family sounds incredibly dysfunctional. Your mother is clearly mentally ill, and it's sad how some of your other relatives have learned from her warped behavior. I am sorry you had to grow up in that environment. Please, for your own sake, GET OUT. Also you might consider therapy to heal some of the emotional scars you have probably acquired (unless you're made of steel).

 

Stay with your bf; he's good for you. And maybe let his family adopt you. They sound far more sane.

 

Let me ask: how do you feel about your family? Are you close to them? What about your mother? Some families are just so damaging that they're better not to deal with at all, especially if you can take on your boyfriend's family as your own.