sibernox Posted March 30, 2009 Share Posted March 30, 2009 Hello all My best friend's parents are destroying her life. She's 20 years old and lives with them, obviously. They control everything she does, and she's sick of it. For example, she wants to travel but they don't let her. The don't let her borrow the car. They don't let her out of the house past 10PM. They don't let her go to her boyfriend's house. She wants to live life but she can't, she feels suffocated. She wants to travel to her cousin's in the States but they won't even let her do that. So she is thinking that she'll go away with her boyfriend for a week and not tell them, just to show them that she can survive by herself and that everything will be O.K. She's gona leave them a letter about how they should let her live her own life and whatnot, but what do you think she should write? Any help will be appreciated. thanks a lot Link to post Share on other sites
treyfan88 Posted March 30, 2009 Share Posted March 30, 2009 She needs to get a job. Save some money and move out. She's an adult. If she can't act like an adult she shouldn't be treated like one. Instead of writing a letter, she should sit down with her parents and tell them that they can't treat her like a child. If they are unable to do so, she should leave. But hey, if they provide for her, pay her bills, pay for her expenses, etc. there's not much she can do, lol. She's still playing the "child" role by allowing her parents to take care of her. *shrugs* I was out of the house and on my own at 19. It can be done. Link to post Share on other sites
TwinkletOes26 Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 treyfan she maybe in college so thats why ...i mean you know how expensive college w/o help? Link to post Share on other sites
treyfan88 Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 treyfan she maybe in college so thats why ...i mean you know how expensive college w/o help? Yep. I'm 20. I pay my own bills. Pay my own way into school. It's tough, but it's definitely do-able. And my parents were WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY worse than what the OP was describing. I had to get the police and CPS involved. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 She is 20. She is probably still a student and under the care of her parents. Certainly, part of parenting is gradually giving up control while at the same time giving your child the lessons they need for ultimate independence. If she is a student, not working or living at home....she has no real independence. For some reason, to their standatrds, she is unable to make her own decisions. Either they are very strict or she has not yet proved to them she can make appropriate decisions. Either way, while she is living with them - the rules are theirs. If they are paying for both her education and living expenses, its a small price to pay to obey their rules. If she feels they have not given her enough opportunity to prove she can make good decisions....writing them a letter might be a good heads up for them to give her some room. Maybe even going on a trip with a friend. But to sneak away with her boyfriend merely shows them that she has no respect for them, feels being a sneak is OK, and that she cannot be trusted. It will backfire on her and she might lose the financial support they have been giving her. She may be forced to act like an adult. Link to post Share on other sites
JLee26 Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 totally agree with 2sure, it will backfire on her. To run away and leave a note, is not adult in any way shape or form. and at twenty yes you are starting to experience the world, but by most means are not an adult. becoming a adult is not an age thing, it is a maturity thing, and by your post i would have to say she is a long way from being an adult. the best road to adult hood is truth, sit down and have a talk with the parents, and be honest. dont run and be foolish. Just my opinion *wink* Link to post Share on other sites
TwinkletOes26 Posted April 1, 2009 Share Posted April 1, 2009 I suggest she live on campus if she can maybe get a loan or finacial aid..that way shell have some independence they othe option is take as many courses as she can even in the summmer get done early with college find a job and move. Link to post Share on other sites
sunny20 Posted April 1, 2009 Share Posted April 1, 2009 My parents are really controlling too. The best thing I have done is move 6 hours away from home. I am now about to marry my boyfriend and be financially independent from my parents and I am 19. They hate the idea that they are losing what little financial control they had over me, but it will do wonders for my self-esteem and ability to function as an adult to know that I paid for my own education and living expenses at a young age. I think it is a good idea to show them that she can be independent, but maybe she should try to be more up front about it than running away with her boyfriend. If her parents are anything like mine, they will ignore what her letter says and focus instead on the fact that she "ran away". If she does decide to write a letter to them, I would suggest she make it absolutely clear that she left simply to prove that she is an adult and is capable of functioning on her own in the real world without their help. Eventually, she may be able to start making larger and larger strides in becoming independent and they will have to recognize her as an individual. The most important thing for her to do is be direct and honest with them because that will show that she is able to discuss these issues with them in a mature and adult manner. The letter will probably only anger them further, though. I agree with the above remarks that it would be better to talk to them face-to-face rather than write a letter. My family was very unhappy when they heard about my plans, but we have since worked it out to the point where they have stopped harassing me....she just needs to stand her ground, prove she can hold her own, and eventually they will have to come to terms with the fact that she is an adult. Link to post Share on other sites
bean1 Posted April 2, 2009 Share Posted April 2, 2009 treyfan she maybe in college so thats why ...i mean you know how expensive college w/o help? Sure do, with 30,000K+ paid in cash (plus another $10k in loans) while working and going to school at the same time. I moved out at 17 with costco size flat of Macaroni & Cheese and a 1989 Nissan. She needs to put on her big girl panties and grow up. Link to post Share on other sites
TwinkletOes26 Posted April 2, 2009 Share Posted April 2, 2009 I went through the same crap with my mom and still i am going through this. I solved the issue for years by just living on campus to be "closer to classes" yeaaa lol. So for some of my college time she couldnt see me therefore she couldnt control what i did. Now im back home (graduated ) and im looking for work. The economy is tough and its hard to find work so im having to suffer through the same thing. Its rough but all i can tell you honey is tell your friend to get through college as quickly as possible get a job and leave. After shes gone if her parents ever ask her (they will try to guilt trip and say WHY WOULD YOU LEAVE) she can tell exactly why. Oh something else i would like to add. Minimum wage does not cover it for the cost of college between tuition college fees and books which can cost up to 500(thats cheap cheap) to over 1000 ive even heard of classmates who paid 2000. Even if she got a job on campus it still wouldnt be enough. The cost college has ski rocketed even since i started college. When i was in her situation what made me ride it out instead of saying "forget you mom" and leaving i actually added up the cost. An apt can cost 500 plus a car plus college expenses can be quite a lot. The only jobs i could get around here were fast food minimum wage in my town is 5.15 and hour. Now finacial aid and loans and im speaking from my experience. You can apply for fin aid BUT until shes 25 she has to put her parents yrly income she cant claim her self as independent. So she prolly wont get much if even anything. Loans theres a limit to how much you can get and sometimes they are based off income again until shes 25 she cant claim shes independent i dont care if she hasnt seen her rents in yrs she still has to put their yrly income down. All of this said are there people who work through college YES but a lot (ive seen this in my college and it was considered a fairly cheap univeristy)dont finish they drop out bc they have to pay rent or their boss doesnt understand that they have classes ect ect ect. That is why i think before people start suggesting this they should weigh the pros and cons. If there is a way she could get her parents to listen and come to a compromise then she should try it. Also some people are luckier than others saying " i did this so everyone should be able to" isnt solid advice because everyone is different everyones life is different. She may find talking doesnt help if it doesnt she could just take as many courses as possible even in the summer and get out really quickly. Use her parent finances to her advantage. A woman with out a college education or job training is stuck in service jobs forever bc men can go work construction and such. So please tell your friend to get her bs if she ever has hopes of not having to come back to her rents with her hands out. If she has to move back bc rent or job issues shell be back in the same situation. If theres abuse she can go to a womens shelter along with pressing charges against them . Ok i know i said a lot but i just wanted to get my point across Link to post Share on other sites
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