Lucy Posted October 7, 2002 Share Posted October 7, 2002 I have a twin sister, although we are fraternal and opposite in every way you can imagine - physically, emotionally, and mentally. We have never really gotten along very well; I love her because she is family but I don't really like her as a person. Anyway, she has always struggled with things - running away from home, losing jobs, having difficulty with boyfriends... For the past 5 years I have been too busy studying to be distracted by these things. I have worked hard to gain good grades and I have a great social life. Recently I got accepted into a leading law firm and life is great for me at the moment. Unfortunately, the same day I found out about my job, is the day she missed out on a promotion at her work. She tried to be happy for me. But that night we went out to celebrate I hooked up with some guy and she got rejected by someone she really liked. It was awful, she was really upset. Then I took her out with some of my friends last night and she wasn't following the conversation so stormed out, leaving me feeling very embarresed. I just don't know what to do, it has always been like this, her failures overshadowing my success. I mean my parents always feel like they can't make a big deal out of things like my grades, or career at the risk of upsetting my sister. The fact is, I have worked damned hard to get where I am while she has been off partying. It's not my fault she is in this situation, she is a depressive and it is affecting the whole family. I am SICK and TIRED of feeling guilty whenever I achieve success. I hate that I have to play down everything just to make her feel better. I wish I could just cut her out of my life but I know she will be there forever. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted October 7, 2002 Share Posted October 7, 2002 Everybody is in your life for a reason. Light has need of darkness, otherwise how could it be seen as light. Right now, I see your sister as a great commentary on how well you are living your own life. Be grateful for her role there. It's unfortunate that she doesn't see your role as teaching her how much better things could be if she changed her attitude and applied herself. Get out of the house as soon as possible and let your sister grow up. My bet is that her failures are an unconscious attention-getting devices given the fact that it's much easier to screw up for attention than to get it being successful. When you are away, she'll no longer be competing for attention from mom and dad and will likely improve in most areas. Link to post Share on other sites
midori Posted October 7, 2002 Share Posted October 7, 2002 People in families take on roles. Whether your twin's role as ne'er-do-well and wet blanket is one she created, or was unwittingly thrust upon her by your family, is beside the point. She needs to take control of her life. Now that you & your sister are grown-ups, you can have individual get-togethers with your parents (if you don't live at home, and if you're a successful lawyer, it's high time you weren't living at home), in which you, their daughter, can share her successes and bask in parental approval without fear of making the black sheep feel insignificant. She can get together with mom & dad on her own time. Family get-togethers, like holidays, can be more neutral times. As for your own relationship with your sister, why must you include her in your social life, when participating in it makes her unhappy? Why not meet her for coffee or other things -- just the two of you -- and keep in touch in a way that doesn't make her feel that you're thrusting your accomplishments (job, friends, success with men) in her face, and doesn't require you to feel apologetic about your success in those areas? You're not responsible for your sister. You can be sensitive to her sensitivity, and you can pre-emptively structure your interaction with her to minimize the awkward situations that trouble you so. Link to post Share on other sites
Ally Boo Posted October 8, 2002 Share Posted October 8, 2002 Its unfortunate that this is going on. Basically, you can't feel bad about your own success. And whatever you do DO NOT let her hold you back. She may be manipulating all of you so that you WON'T succeed, so that her limits won't be pushed and she won't feel pressure to make herself to be a successful person too. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted October 8, 2002 Share Posted October 8, 2002 if your sister is definitely NOT the kind of person you'd hang out with otherwise, why are you trying so hard to fit her into the mold/type of person you do hang with? Because she's your sister? Surely you can have a friendship with her that isn't threatening to either of you without you letting her monopolize your life or vice versa. Someone had mentioned maybe setting aside a bit of time with her so that you could spend time together, but not necessarily trying to be part of each others' social circle. That sounds safer (and happier) for all participants involved, rather than what's going on now. it's hard to love someone, but completely dislike how they are. you're pulled in a million different directions, but until you set boundaries, you're going to make yourself miserable. Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted October 16, 2002 Share Posted October 16, 2002 I admire you for wanting to keep a communication line open with your sister. I can't stand mine and have not spoken to her in well over 20 years and haven't seen her in 25 or so years, and I don't plan on ever speaking to her again if I don't have to. It would have been nice I think to have a sister - but just not mine! Like the others have said, you need to structure your life and fit her in when you can. If you love her just let her know that you love her for herself and not for anthing that happens to or around her. Share your joys - like you said - you worked darn hard for them. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted October 16, 2002 Share Posted October 16, 2002 "It would have been nice I think to have a sister - but just not mine!" .... I wonder if that's why some of us prefer our friends to our families? I love my siblings but they drive me absolutely nuts even at the best of times, so I generally don't spend much more time than I need to with them. But I'm perfectly content to spend good chunks of time with my friends, sharing advice and ideas the way I can't with my sibs. I know my parents aren't too happy about my outlook, but I try to explain to them that because there's a good age gap between me and the next youngest child, I feel like I was raised as an only child, and I don't feel like I have as much in common with them the way I do with my friends. Is this somewhat normal, or is this some weird hang-up I've got? Interestingly enough, I get along fine with my nieces and nephews ... Link to post Share on other sites
Spacer Posted July 5, 2003 Share Posted July 5, 2003 Originally posted by quankanne "It would have been nice I think to have a sister - but just not mine!" .... I wonder if that's why some of us prefer our friends to our families? ....because there's a good age gap between me and the next youngest child, I feel like I was raised as an only child, and I don't feel like I have as much in common with them the way I do with my friends. Is this somewhat normal, or is this some weird hang-up I've got? Interestingly enough, I get along fine with my nieces and nephews ... Sounds familiar to me Generally, there's mostly some tension between my older brother and sisters and me - and cause they are noticeably older than me, I too feel I was raised more like a single child... My siblings outlook on many things differ from mine, but I am ok with one of my sister, mainly, I think, because she leaves me alone, doesn't criticise me for whatever I might be doing / not doing at any given time etc. So, basically, no hurt feelings there, and in consequence, although we are not "close" as in talking a lot or sharing deeply personal things, I am happy to accept her and to be with her without any trouble. Not so with my brother and oldest sister - who I both find more upsetting in different ways ... Funnily enough, I am getting on reasonably well with my nieces and nephews - they are somehow closer to my age; I am still mostly keeping away from them, as they are close to their parents, and as I am obviously having issues with some of them, I guess I am a bit "wary" in dealing with their kids. But all in all, we often agree in outlook on things more than I do with my brother and sisters. Just to show that it doesn't seem to be a "personal hang-up" from your side, alone Link to post Share on other sites
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