Husband's sister in law

[idawmn]

First of all I wanted to say that I'm new to the forum and could sure use your help.

 

I'm a 50 year old woman who married my husband 6 1/2 years ago. This was my second marriage, his third. I moved from Canada to the U.S. to marry him.

 

Since the day I married my husband I feel his sister in law has had it in for me. She is 48 years old and a University Professor. She did not like me from the get go because

 

a) I was not a Professional. She actually told my husband who is a Professional that he could do better

b) I currently do not work outside of the home...like that is any of her business seeing as she doesn't pay our mortgage and bills

c) Back in the summer of 2007 I wouldn't attend family functions due to a well known drug dealer being present (her now 25 year old daughter's boyfriend who is currently in jail and father of her daughter's 2 year old)

d) I would not babysit her granddaughter for 9 days back in January while her, her husband, MIL and two daughters were on a cruise. As a result they had to find a babysitter and pay for the sitter's services.

 

Recently while my husband was visiting his mother, this woman and her husband (my husband's brother) stopped by and this woman made the comment to my husband and her own husband that I used "hormones" as an excuse not to do anything. Hormones have never played a part. I was not present at the time and MIL was in the kitchen our of earshot.

 

This is not the first time that she has either made a condescending remark to me or about me when I wasn't around. I have never done anything wrong to her since the day I met her. I just don't understand this.

 

Her own mother was bi-polar and the daughter with the 2 year old was labelled as bi-polar. Is there a chance that this woman herself has some kind of mental problems?

 

I have to admit she has made a few remarks to other family members but they all just sit there with their mouths open and then later shrug it off saying this is the way she is and they just ignore her.

 

I'm really tired of it all and no longer wish to be anywhere this woman is including family functions and my husband doesn't understand it. He thinks I should be going to his family functions and this is where we start to have arguments.

 

BTW when I didn't attend the family functions while the drug dealer was around, MIL was lipping off about it but not to my face. The girlfriend of the drug dealer was on probation herself for drugs and not to be around this guy.

 

Oh and also the girl (with the 2 year old) lives and sponges off MIL who is 79 years old and not good health, along with her two year old daughter because this SIL (mother of the girl) doesn't trust her daughter yet she has so much to say about what I'm doing and not doing?

 

Any advice?

[Touche]

My advice is to attend the functions for your husband's sake and just take her with a grain of salt. Avoid her if you can.

 

Where I would put my foot down is having her in my house. No way.

 

Don't make more out of this that you need to. Keep your distance and take the high road.

 

Hey, if I was able to fix things with my H's bi-polar ex then you can do this too. You just have to step back a bit and not react. Seems like the other family members just ignore her outbursts.

 

Who cares if she doesn't like you or mouths off behind your back? Be the bigger person and let it go. She's nothing to you really.

 

How often do you even have to get together with her?

[idawmn]

You are so right and thanks for your advice. I see her at all family birthday parties, Easter, Christmas, Thanksgiving, Fourth of July.

 

What really bothered me the most was when there were a few of us gathered around the dining table at a birthday party at the end of October last year. We were talking about the upcoming elections and all was going well.

 

Next thing I knew, this SIL comes out with, "And isn't right that your daughter's boyfriend is a drug dealer?" Where did that come from? My daugher and her boyfriend live back in Canada and both have never been into drugs. This SIL didn't even know anything about my daughter's boyfriend, never met him in her life. I looked at her, looked at my husband, then said to her, "Ummm no." What worse was a 12 year old boy sitting at the table too while she blurted this out.

 

 

 

 

 

My advice is to attend the functions for your husband's sake and just take her with a grain of salt. Avoid her if you can.

 

Where I would put my foot down is having her in my house. No way.

 

Don't make more out of this that you need to. Keep your distance and take the high road.

 

Hey, if I was able to fix things with my H's bi-polar ex then you can do this too. You just have to step back a bit and not react. Seems like the other family members just ignore her outbursts.

 

Who cares if she doesn't like you or mouths off behind your back? Be the bigger person and let it go. She's nothing to you really.

 

How often do you even have to get together with her?

[Touche]

Wow, she's got problems. I think you handled that just fine. I think she'll back off if you don't show you're annoyed or if you show little reaction to her weird comments. See if that works. Eventually she'll probably leave you alone and bug someone else.

 

I would just try to stay away from her during those holidays. Talk to other people and/or your husband and if she does approach you, just smile and don't react. She'll get bored of her game eventually.

[idawmn]

Thanks again.

 

It's funny because I have tried to avoid her in the past several times. If anything I would come into the home where the event was being held, would say hello to her and then sit elsewhere talking to others. It always seemed at one point she would then get over to where I was and make a comment. I wouldn't respond or show any reaction as I'm not that type of person even though I would have loved to have clobbered her over the head at the time. It just seems that things have gotten worse over time. She doesn't want to seem to back off.

 

Now I'm wondering how I can keep her out of my home because my husband feels she needs to be included due to the fact that she is married to his brother but then again my husband is also a yes man particularly when it comes to his family and allows himself to be used.

 

 

 

Wow, she's got problems. I think you handled that just fine. I think she'll back off if you don't show you're annoyed or if you show little reaction to her weird comments. See if that works. Eventually she'll probably leave you alone and bug someone else.

 

I would just try to stay away from her during those holidays. Talk to other people and/or your husband and if she does approach you, just smile and don't react. She'll get bored of her game eventually.

[anne1707]

Oh the dreaded husband's SIL! I've got one of those. For the first two years she would completely ignore me. Even to the extent of when we went round to my H's brother's house to announce our engagement, she never said a single word. She then went through a few years of talking to me but now she is back to ignoring me. Last time was over Christmas when we went to their house and she walked out the room to stay in the kitchen all the time we were there. I know her "reasons" for all this behaviour and it is all nonsense/lies/etc created by her and done partly to cause the relationship between my H and his brother to break down( she has also tried to spread unfounded lies about me to the rest of the family).

 

Anyway my attitude is that she is the one with the problem, not me. I know I have not done anything wrong and other family members can see what she is like (apart from her H). My H has also said that he no longer expects or even wants me to go to their house as he thinks her treatment of me is a disgrace. I think you are perfectly entitled to say that you will not go to her house anymore but don't cut yourself out of family events held elsewhere. Why should you and your H miss out because of her?

[idawmn]

I'm sorry to hear about what you went through. There is no reasoning to it is there?

 

To add to this my husband's married cousin (thankfully she lives in another state) a few years older has never liked me either. This is a woman who went to College, got a degree and never worked for 10 years (no kids) yet had a problem with me because of I didn't go to College or University. She also disliked me because I was 9 years younger than my husband and she actually told him this saying it was because her father left her mother for a younger woman. What the heck does that have to do with me? Found out that she has always harboured an attraction to my husband despite she herself being married.

 

When she sends a Christmas card, she addresses it to my husband only and puts in it "Love from Bill and I but more love coming from me." LOL.

 

I'm beginning to think I really married into a family of screwballs.

 

 

 

 

 

Oh the dreaded husband's SIL! I've got one of those. For the first two years she would completely ignore me. Even to the extent of when we went round to my H's brother's house to announce our engagement, she never said a single word. She then went through a few years of talking to me but now she is back to ignoring me. Last time was over Christmas when we went to their house and she walked out the room to stay in the kitchen all the time we were there. I know her "reasons" for all this behaviour and it is all nonsense/lies/etc created by her and done partly to cause the relationship between my H and his brother to break down( she has also tried to spread unfounded lies about me to the rest of the family).

 

Anyway my attitude is that she is the one with the problem, not me. I know I have not done anything wrong and other family members can see what she is like (apart from her H). My H has also said that he no longer expects or even wants me to go to their house as he thinks her treatment of me is a disgrace. I think you are perfectly entitled to say that you will not go to her house anymore but don't cut yourself out of family events held elsewhere. Why should you and your H miss out because of her?

[Touche]

You're welcome dawn.

 

I would just tell your H that it's your house too and you don't want her there. She's rude to you. Maybe your H will talk to his brother who will then talk to his wife.

 

I'd put my foot down and draw the line at having her over.

 

It's surprising that by now she hasn't backed off since you're keeping your cool.

 

Maybe just one time you might have to put her in her place in front of everybody. Bullies normally back down when you stand up to them.

 

What do you think?

[anne1707]

It's surprising that by now she hasn't backed off since you're keeping your cool.

 

After dealing with my SIL for 15 years, I am not all surprised that she hasn't backed off. Some people can be so uptight and jealous that they cannot back off, they refuse to see that they may be wrong. Crazy, I know, but in the end they are the ones who have the sad life.

[idawmn]

I'm still thinking of something good to say should it happen again. Talking to my mom about it and her opinion was that because this one hasn't been put in her place, this is why she gets away with stuff.

 

No one knows for sure if she is bi-polar or not, never diagnosed but definitely something is not quite right upstairs.

 

Anyhow I will leave it at this and thank you again.....

 

 

 

 

You're welcome dawn.

 

I would just tell your H that it's your house too and you don't want her there. She's rude to you. Maybe your H will talk to his brother who will then talk to his wife.

 

I'd put my foot down and draw the line at having her over.

 

It's surprising that by now she hasn't backed off since you're keeping your cool.

 

Maybe just one time you might have to put her in her place in front of everybody. Bullies normally back down when you stand up to them.

 

What do you think?

[Touche]

After dealing with my SIL for 15 years, I am not all surprised that she hasn't backed off. Some people can be so uptight and jealous that they cannot back off, they refuse to see that they may be wrong. Crazy, I know, but in the end they are the ones who have the sad life.

 

Have you ever stood up to her?

 

Dawn, I'm thinking that your mother may be right. Sometimes it just takes one time to put someone in their place and they retreat.

[anne1707]

Have you ever stood up to her?

.

 

To be honest, no. For the first two years she spread lies about me through my H's family so I had problems integrating with ALL of them, therefore standing up to her was not an option (I did not know that she had been the root of the problem until others realised what she had told them was wrong). She then did start talking to me so there was no need to confront her.

 

In recent years, she has been "off" with all of the family at various times ensuring that her H and the other brothers/sisters were not able to see each other. That has improved over the last couple of years but she is still rude to me. After all this time, I have got to the stage where I just can't be bothered. She is seen as a sad, bitter woman and no one really wants to socialise with her. My H is happy for me not to go to her house and I am more than happy with that.

[idawmn]

No I have never stood up to her before but after finding out what I did, I have reached the limit.

 

The only time I ever stood up for myself or said something to any of the family members was to let my MIL know that I couldn't be in the company of a well known drug dealer or any drug dealer for that fact. I was never nasty and told her moreso it wasn't a good idea for my son to be around as well (he was 16 at the time). MIL got defensive saying that this guy was trying to turn his life around (he never even attempted to do that, was still manufacturing and selling meth) then she turned on me after that asking how I would like it if she got a hold of the police in Canada and told them my daughter's boyfriend in Canada was a drug dealer. I told her I would only be too happy to give her the number of the police in the city they resided in and she could have them investigate. She backed off after that. Keep in mind this girl (her granddaughter) was on probation for drugs, supposed to not be associating with the dealer and she was in drug rehab. None of the family members liked him. The dealer had kicked her and their baby out of the house they shared two months previous to his arrest (arrested with his new girlfriend) and MIL's granddaughter then bailed him out of jail, ran with him for the summer until he got arrested again on a warrant.

 

The whole family is nutty.

 

 

 

 

 

Have you ever stood up to her?

 

Dawn, I'm thinking that your mother may be right. Sometimes it just takes one time to put someone in their place and they retreat.

[idawmn]

Oops sorry forget my first line here. You were talking to the other poster. My mind is like a sieve.

 

No I have never stood up to her before but after finding out what I did, I have reached the limit.

[idawmn]

Good for you that you have a husband that doesn't expect you to still go to her house. Mine feels I still need to go because "it's all about family." This where we then have our arguments.

 

 

To be honest, no. For the first two years she spread lies about me through my H's family so I had problems integrating with ALL of them, therefore standing up to her was not an option (I did not know that she had been the root of the problem until others realised what she had told them was wrong). She then did start talking to me so there was no need to confront her.

 

In recent years, she has been "off" with all of the family at various times ensuring that her H and the other brothers/sisters were not able to see each other. That has improved over the last couple of years but she is still rude to me. After all this time, I have got to the stage where I just can't be bothered. She is seen as a sad, bitter woman and no one really wants to socialise with her. My H is happy for me not to go to her house and I am more than happy with that.

[anne1707]

Can he not see how much her behaviour hurts and upsets you? You need to stand firm on this.

[Touche]

Well in Anne's case doesn't sound like it's worth confronting her since she doesn't really have contact with her but in your case Dawn, it might be worth a shot like you're mother was saying.

 

See how your MIL backed down after you called her out on her nonsense?

 

Sometimes that's what you have to do to get them to back the heck off.

[idawmn]

LOL I didn't marry into a family that uses common sense and that includes my husband. Book smart, no common sense.

 

He told me that his family was closeknit. I just about fell off the chair on that comment as it couldn't be further from the truth.

 

Can he not see how much her behaviour hurts and upsets you? You need to stand firm on this.

[idawmn]

Yes you are very right.

 

Well in Anne's case doesn't sound like it's worth confronting her since she doesn't really have contact with her but in your case Dawn, it might be worth a shot like you're mother was saying.

 

See how your MIL backed down after you called her out on her nonsense?

 

Sometimes that's what you have to do to get them to back the heck off.