MeaganRaye Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 It's gotten to the point that sometimes I wish he'd get terminally ill and just die. If he did, I'd finally feel free. I am so sick of him putting me down all the time, saying I am pathetic, worthless, he even said that he'd never want a daughter like me again in another lifetime. He tells lies to my mother and sister, and they both view me in the same light. I am the black sheep of the family. My mother is controlling. She hits me, she gets angry and calls me a 'bitch', and a 'ho'. She slaps me. I tell her about how my father no longer speaks to me or even refers to me as his daughter, and she gets defensive and says "what do you want me to do about it? he's good to me and pays the bills" I am so emotionally distraight. I thought about suicide. My mother is emotionally bankrupt and selfish. She only cares that her emotional needs are met. She doesn't seem to be phased by how I am having trouble in my life emotionally, how the distant relationship between my father and I is tearing me apart. And how her anger and controlling nature is cripling my spirit and self esteem Link to post Share on other sites
wuggle Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 Leave, get your own place. Grow up, grow old , grow beyond your parents limitations, and be happy with yourself. And remember. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 am sorry to hear this ... are you in school, or in a place where you can confidentially share your problems with a school counselor or trusted teacher? Or, if in university, can you check with the campus health office to see what options are available. I hate that you've got parents like this, and it's hard imagining that there are people like that out there, but unfortunately, it's the ugly truth. However, it sometimes can be the wisest thing to slowly wean yourself away from the source of hate – even a family member – if it means saving yourself psychologically and emotionally. And by that I mean, cutting them off to a few visits a year to avoid their toxic 'love' ... you aren't a bad person for doing this when it means saving yourself. frankly, I wish I could flat out advise you to tell your father to stop being such an *ss munch but that wouldn't be the smart thing to do because you just don't need to stoop to his level. However, you CAN start hardening your heart to his comments when he does his best to verbally & emotionally abuse you ... I think abusers do what they do because they know they can control someone that way. But when you look at them blankly or stare through them like they're an ugly bug on the wall, they lose that power ... just a thought. hugs, kiddo Link to post Share on other sites
Author MeaganRaye Posted January 31, 2009 Author Share Posted January 31, 2009 Yes, i am currently in school. I am only a few classes away from being able to get accepted into nursing school. And the closer I get, the HARDER they make it for me. The verbal and physical abuse from my mother is becoming more frequent, it's like she is jealous or fears that I will become more successful at something and not need her anymore A few days ago, she was angry at me and said "that's why if you go to nursing school you will fail" with her finger in my face. She slapped me as well. Usually, when she gets into these moments of anger/rage, I am very calm and I have to take the abuse or else it will infuriate her and make it worse. Once I tried to fight back and she said "bitch I will Kill you" My mother has issues with anger, and she works herself all up on her own. I can say one word and she's ready to strike me. She gets incredibly angry when I say "school is more important to me than work" She'll strike me with her hand or an object This behavior has caused me to become very frustrated with my mother and it's hard for me to have a good attitude iwth her when all my life she has been this way. I can recall her doing this to me when I was a kid Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 you are being abused, Meagan, and it's not going to stop until you get out of their home. would you consider going to a women's shelter in your city/a nearby city? You'll have to make arrangements to get all your possessions out, or possibly be even accompanied by the law. Filing abuse charges against them also is an option, but I don't know to what lengths you are willing to go against your family. meanwhile please talk to the school's counselor about your home situation and let him/her know just how long & what kind of abuse you've been receiving – even something like emotional abuse can take a serious toll on you even if you don't feel it's anything major. although this talks about abuse at the hands of a partner, this kind of abuse applies to you: invisible violence Link to post Share on other sites
Author MeaganRaye Posted January 31, 2009 Author Share Posted January 31, 2009 you are being abused, Meagan, and it's not going to stop until you get out of their home. would you consider going to a women's shelter in your city/a nearby city? You'll have to make arrangements to get all your possessions out, or possibly be even accompanied by the law. Filing abuse charges against them also is an option, but I don't know to what lengths you are willing to go against your family. meanwhile please talk to the school's counselor about your home situation and let him/her know just how long & what kind of abuse you've been receiving – even something like emotional abuse can take a serious toll on you even if you don't feel it's anything major. although this talks about abuse at the hands of a partner, this kind of abuse applies to you: invisible violence I wouldn't want to file any charges, I don't want to deal with all of that. I am leaving for college in June to another state. I am trying to deal with this as long as I possibly can. I have made plans to take out student loans so I can pay off some bills and live on my own out there. Another thing is that my parents try to control my money--they know when I am getting a student refund check every year and they already demand a certain amount before I even see the check. My father sits in the living room everyday waiting for the mail to come. I am worried that my mother is going to cause conflict so I won't have enough money for myself. She'll lay a major guilt trip on me about how she raised me and let me live at home..and how she helped me out in some financial situations. What should I do? Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 ...only a few classes away from being able to get accepted into nursing school. And the closer I get, the HARDER they make it for me. The verbal and physical abuse from my mother is becoming more frequent, It could also be that she recognizes that you have been a "shield" between her and her abusive husband -- once you move out, she does not know whether or not he will turn his rage on her. That is, her fear could also be about her own future safety and "peaceful" living conditions, and she is turning her self-fears outward, against you, in the form of anger and toxic criticism. Another possibility is that the anger that she's been vomiting onto you is actually her guilt, shame and self-loathing for not having the strength and courage to protect you from him. This does NOT make her actions any more acceptable. It is more to help you realize that you do not deserve any of what you've been suffering at their hands. It is due to their own fears, limitations, weaknesses, wrong beliefs, disappointments in life, and lack of emotional intelligence and effective coping skills that they are so enraged and abusive. When you asked about stopping your resentment, to gain your own inner peace NOT to make their actions okay, that will come about when you can somehow accept that their behaviour stems from all their major flaws and dysfunctional ways of coping with their problems. It is likely that they would have done better if they knew how, but they don't seem to have a single clue as to where to begin, do they? It's that they were not taught healthy parenting skills, nor how to effectively deal with their own emotional problems. At this point, it could also have developed into more of a permanent problem, as in some type of mental disorder. It's not YOUR fault, and you do not deserve to suffer on account of their mental and emotional issues. She'll lay a major guilt trip on me about how she raised me and let me live at home..and how she helped me out in some financial situations. What should I do? That is also tough. The truth is that people can TRY to lay guilt trips on us, but only we can allow them to get away with it. It is a parent's obligation and responsibility to take care of their children, especially when they are in school and trying to earn an education. That includes taking care of children's mental, emotional, physical, financial, social and spiritual needs. And how she raised you ain't all that impressive, either. In other words, she fell far short of her duties and responsibilities to you. In truth, you need not have an ounce of guilt about leaving home as soon as possible. But, like I said, that is up to you, to keep reminding yourself of the facts of how she parented you, which would eliminate any guilt on your part. There is nothing for YOU to feel guilty about! If there is guilt to be felt, it is on her shoulders not yours. Congratulations for having finished school under such challenging and horrible conditions -- perhaps your success points to your positive qualities that you can take away from your 'family of origin' experiences? That is, you do have strength, courage, self-awareness, ambition, drive, tenacity, compassion -- all the things that your parents lack, you do have in great abundance . The conditions under which you learned and developed it were completely dysfunctional and assbackwards, BUT you are still going to have the benefit of all those fine qualities for the rest of your life. And that's the really good part, as I'm seeing it. Good luck at nursing school, and wishing you continued success as you build your own happy and fulfilling life. Hugs. Link to post Share on other sites
MSUE Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 Here is my favorite saying...and I have it on writing so I see it everytime I get my am coffee... Chances makes our relatives...choices makes our friends I'm sorry you have to deal with this you are not alone...the only way its going to end is moving out and therapy cause moving out doesn't mean the emotional baggage stays Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 regarding your money: Check with the financial aid office to see if they have forms to get your checks directly deposited into your bank account – and be sure that only YOU have access to this account. It's the most secure way to handle money transactions, IMO. meanwhile, hang in there, Meagan, there's a light at the end of the tunnel, and we're here if you need us. hugs, q Link to post Share on other sites
birdie Posted February 2, 2009 Share Posted February 2, 2009 and as for your mother trying to make you feel guilty for raising you: remember it was her choice to have children, she wanted to have the responsibility and the commitment Link to post Share on other sites
Hippie Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 Yes, i am currently in school. I am only a few classes away from being able to get accepted into nursing school. And the closer I get, the HARDER they make it for me. The verbal and physical abuse from my mother is becoming more frequent, it's like she is jealous or fears that I will become more successful at something and not need her anymore A few days ago, she was angry at me and said "that's why if you go to nursing school you will fail" with her finger in my face. She slapped me as well. Usually, when she gets into these moments of anger/rage, I am very calm and I have to take the abuse or else it will infuriate her and make it worse. Once I tried to fight back and she said "bitch I will Kill you" My mother has issues with anger, and she works herself all up on her own. I can say one word and she's ready to strike me. She gets incredibly angry when I say "school is more important to me than work" She'll strike me with her hand or an object This behavior has caused me to become very frustrated with my mother and it's hard for me to have a good attitude iwth her when all my life she has been this way. I can recall her doing this to me when I was a kid I had to deal with a similar problem with my father. With all the verbal abuse of his anger I would still smile and say "Dad I know you really don't mean that. I still love you no matter what you say or do." That usually shut him up. Maybe something like that could help you with your situation. Link to post Share on other sites
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