My sister's email.

[blind_otter]

My sister sent an email to me, I just received it.

 

In it, she listed certain issues that she has with my S/O, and has demanded that she and her family not be forced to interact with him until he "corrects certain deficiencies" - she mentions his drinking problem, it seems to be the biggest issue. But she also dug up stuff that happened 3+ years ago....

 

The thing that pisses me off is that he is getting help drinking, she actually mentions that part of the reason she does not want to be around him is because his is AA! WTF, how is he supposed to get help to stop drinking? Just magically cure himself?

 

It's just that, in their list of things they dislike about him - a complete disclosure of our private life would be required in order for her to accept him into her life. And I just don't think that should be necessary. I don't want a detailed list of her husband's behavior, or his life. I don't make judgements based on him like that.

 

It just really hurt my feelings that she sent this. She is perfectly entitled to her opinion and to control her own life as she sees fit, as well as those of her family.

 

I just don't know if I can associate with her for a while after receiving this email. That means my son won't see his aunt or his cousins....and I won't see my nieces and nephews.

[Ariadne]

My sister sent an email to me, I just received it.

 

In it, she listed certain issues that she has with my S/O, and has demanded that she and her family not be forced to interact with him until he "corrects certain deficiencies" - she mentions his drinking problem, it seems to be the biggest issue. But she also dug up stuff that happened 3+ years ago....

 

The thing that pisses me off is that he is getting help drinking, she actually mentions that part of the reason she does not want to be around him is because his is AA! WTF, how is he supposed to get help to stop drinking? Just magically cure himself?

 

It's just that, in their list of things they dislike about him - a complete disclosure of our private life would be required in order for her to accept him into her life. And I just don't think that should be necessary. I don't want a detailed list of her husband's behavior, or his life. I don't make judgements based on him like that.

 

It just really hurt my feelings that she sent this. She is perfectly entitled to her opinion and to control her own life as she sees fit, as well as those of her family.

 

I just don't know if I can associate with her for a while after receiving this email. That means my son won't see his aunt or his cousins....and I won't see my nieces and nephews.

 

Just see her and not with your husband. See if you can go to her house alone and take the kid with you.

 

She is the one that needs to learn to accept your husband. Don´t make it for you not to accept her because of that.

[blind_otter]

How can I look at her, knowing that she thinks I am a total f*ck up for getting divorced years ago? Knowing that she thinks I am an unfit person? She has been harboring resentment towards me for almost a decade.

[2sure]

Since she sent you an email instead of talking in person or phoning, respond the same way. She chose a very impersonal way of communicating about a very personal issue. In my experience, the best way to take these things back a step is to treat it impersonally - since this revolves around your business and no one elses.

 

Something like: I appreciate your concern regarding my family because I love you. However, I truly feel our families problems are being handled and that we are in a good spot in our lives right now. We have had bad times and now we are having good times. We would like to share these days with you, and regret you do not feel the same. But the door is always for family, so please don't hesitate to call should your feelings change!

 

No discussion of your issues, or her issues.

[blind_otter]

Since she sent you an email instead of talking in person or phoning, respond the same way. She chose a very impersonal way of communicating about a very personal issue. In my experience, the best way to take these things back a step is to treat it impersonally - since this revolves around your business and no one elses.

 

Something like: I appreciate your concern regarding my family because I love you. However, I truly feel our families problems are being handled and that we are in a good spot in our lives right now. We have had bad times and now we are having good times. We would like to share these days with you, and regret you do not feel the same. But the door is always for family, so please don't hesitate to call should your feelings change!

 

No discussion of your issues, or her issues.

 

Thank you, I needed to get some clear headed input. I drafted this long, drawn out email but you're right. I don't need to go into details, because its none of her business.

 

I get emotional. I'm the family screwup, and I guess it was time for my annual reminder of what my role in my family is....to be messed up, so they can come together to talk about me and feel better about themselves.

[curiousnycgirl]

Something like: I appreciate your concern regarding my family because I love you. However, I truly feel our families problems are being handled and that we are in a good spot in our lives right now. We have had bad times and now we are having good times. We would like to share these days with you, and regret you do not feel the same. But the door is always for family, so please don't hesitate to call should your feelings change!

 

No discussion of your issues, or her issues.

 

Wow that is good. My family pulls this crap on me all the time too. I've simply said to them that I choose to spend my time with X, and I regret that if they don't want to see him, then they don't want to see me.

 

Usually their input (specifically my mother's) is during a screaming fight - at the moment I have refused to speak to her until she takes responsibilty for the words she flung at me in September.

 

Ugh why do families have to be so hard?!

[2sure]

I get emotional. I'm the family screwup, and I guess it was time for my annual reminder of what my role in my family is....to be messed up, so they can come together to talk about me and feel better about themselves.

 

Well, I'm speaking from experience because screw up was my role in the family for most of my life. Even now, when most of my mistakes are far far behind me (AND I have achieved success) , some members of my family refuse to release me from that role.

 

The first step was to stop giving them my ear. They seemed to feel that my life was open for them to discuss, yet I never discussed theirs. I didnt step away from my family - just stopped making them privy to the details of my life. Act like you are NOT the screw up, dont talk about past mistakes, and do not participate if they do.

[marlena]

Wow, BO, so sorry!! I don't understand this at all as I would put up with just about anyone for the sake of the people I love!! This must hurt so much especially if you are close to your sister. If I were in your place, I would ket her know just how much she has disapponted you. If she can't be there for you during the rough times, then, what kind of love is that?

[amaysngrace]

2Sure is right. What a coward's way to communicate through email. Her, not you.

 

I don't understand people. I'm the family screw-up too. But I don't get why you need to be reminded of how you screwed up. What do family members gain by reminding you from time to time that you are the screw up? Do they think they are helping you? Do they see you are happy regardless of your screw ups? Is that what makes them bring it up? Are their lives so boring that they are waiting for your drama? Do they see how lovable you are despite all of your flaws? Why why why?

 

I just don't get it.

[blind_otter]

Well, I'm speaking from experience because screw up was my role in the family for most of my life. Even now, when most of my mistakes are far far behind me (AND I have achieved success) , some members of my family refuse to release me from that role.

 

The first step was to stop giving them my ear. They seemed to feel that my life was open for them to discuss, yet I never discussed theirs. I didnt step away from my family - just stopped making them privy to the details of my life. Act like you are NOT the screw up, dont talk about past mistakes, and do not participate if they do.

 

It's nice to know that there are others who have experience dealing with this. It's just so stupid. She had this long monoparagraph email detailing things I had done from about 10 years ago on up to today. It wasn't about my S/O, truth be told - she just used him as a tool to get to me, she's done it for so long, since before I ever even met my S/O. That's low - if you have a problem with me, sure, that's fine. Don't drag someone else through the mud just to make me feel bad about myself.

 

I don't bring up the past, myself. I've spent the last 2 years or so getting my life back together. It's so discouraging to think that you did so much work, got counseling like everyone said you should. Got sober. Contributed to society in some way. Yet it's all for naught, because there are those in your life - your family - who seem hell bent on reminding you on a constant basis that you used to be trash, you will continue to be trash in their eyes, and nothing you do, say, or believe, will ever make you anything BUT trash in their eyes.

 

Wow, BO, so sorry!! I don't understand this at all as I would put up with just about anyone for the sake of the people I love!! This must hurt so much especially if you are close to your sister. If I were in your place, I would ket her know just how much she has disapponted you. If she can't be there for you during the rough times, then, what kind of love is that?

 

I almost copied 2sure's reply word for word. It's all so stupid. I can't believe she brought up my divorce, and how difficult it was for her to explain to her oldest son why my exH was no longer around. She went on and on about how she shields her children from the harsh realities of life. Well, guess what, you're creating an individual who will have f*ck all idea of how to deal with the harsh realities of life when they are adults, alone, and no longer have mum and dad to protect them from real life.

 

I should know. My parents did that exact same bull**** and I completely lacked resilience for the first 6 years of my adult life - I had to go to therapy to LEARN the skills to become resilient to handle the real world on my own. I was unable to cope because I had no toolkit to use. And she is just setting up all her kids for the same hardships and it pisses me off.

 

Ugh. The more I think about it, the more angry I get.

 

I made very different choices in life. I have experienced a lot more than either of them have. But they seem to resent me for it, rather than accepting that different people have different paths and that's OK.

[blind_otter]

2Sure is right. What a coward's way to communicate through email. Her, not you.

 

I don't understand people. I'm the family screw-up too. But I don't get why you need to be reminded of how you screwed up. What do family members gain by reminding you from time to time that you are the screw up? Do they think they are helping you? Do they see you are happy regardless of your screw ups? Is that what makes them bring it up? Are their lives so boring that they are waiting for your drama? Do they see how lovable you are despite all of your flaws? Why why why?

 

I just don't get it.

 

It's ironic that the ones who make mistakes are usually the ones who are the most accepting. Maybe because they have to be. The people who are above reproach have no reason to be open and accepting of those who make mistakes.

 

I'm glad that it's all out in the open now. It's just stupid. A stupid sh*t storm that I guess she and her H felt necessary to start.

 

If it was about loving me, and just wanting me to be happy - this wouldn't be an issue. She wouldn't be sitting there pointing the finger at my face, via a stupid EMAIL. She would want to talk to me, to my face - and open a dialogue. She would want to know WHY I make the choices I make, and maybe, through getting to know me she would be able to understand me better and love and accept me. But instead, they don't want to know me. They just want to judge the superficial exterior things. It's so damn shallow.

[2sure]

Blind Otter!

 

From one former screw up to another, I have good news!

 

I have made every mistake in the book, some more than once. The experience, the humor, the insight, the wisdom, and empathy I have gained is WHAT MAKES UP LIFE AND WHO I AM.

 

Taking the right road, making the right choices is best - I want that for my daughter.

 

BUT - having been to the bottom, the very bottom and then struggled, fought, and learned by baby steps all the way TO THE TOP....Now, THATS AN ACCOMPLISHMENT.

 

Someday soon, you will look back at where you have been and see where you are - and you will be very proud of yourself.

 

And no one will be able to deny you that.

[amaysngrace]

Very true. I think it says a whole lot more about her and her husband than it says about you and your SO.

 

I called my sister out last Christmas. She was giving me her "it must have been hard for you to be born after me" speech. I kid you not. She said that! OMG.

 

I replied by saying "what was hard was having a counselor sister who didn't give a crap when I went through divorce, or knew I recently found out I was molested and never called once to talk to me about it. To have a sister who helps strangers and doesn't give a damn about her sister." I said it in front of her husband too at a party last December.

 

This year they sent me three $100 gift cards. It was really sweet of them and it helped me out but it kind of diverted the issue. Hopefully one day we can talk it out but until then I guess I'm just expected to let it go? I'm open and I'm honest but maybe not everybody is like that? Maybe this is the best she could do?

 

Anyway I still don't get it.

 

Bottom line it says more about them than it says about you.

[melodymatters]

.. And another hand goes up. Makes one wonder if LS has a higher proportion of people who were their families " screw up" !

 

Hang in there BO, I agree with all the other posters. My sister says things like "it's just cause I worry and care about you" in basically the most cold and condesending tone, right after she insults me !

 

I have basically cut out any friendship aspect with her. I am polite for our parents sake on Holidays, but otherwise, I don't need toxic people in my life.

 

I really like 2sures approach as well !!

[Ariadne]

How can I look at her, knowing that she thinks I am a total f*ck up for getting divorced years ago? Knowing that she thinks I am an unfit person? She has been harboring resentment towards me for almost a decade.

 

Ah, then you are not really friends. Why would you even want to see her?

 

Just ignore the whole thing then.

[Kasan]

How many of us, I wonder, would choose to have a friendship with some of our family members?

 

Not me!!!

 

Life is hard enough without getting beaten down by someone who does the beating because they "love" you and "want the best" for you. I call it for what it is...bullsh*t!

 

All we can do, is to focus on our immediate family, and do the very best that we can do.

 

It's our life to live, and as long as we can look at ourselves in the mirror, that's all that matters.

 

We are what we think we are, nothing more, nothing less.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Since she sent you an email instead of talking in person or phoning, respond the same way. She chose a very impersonal way of communicating about a very personal issue. In my experience, the best way to take these things back a step is to treat it impersonally - since this revolves around your business and no one elses.

 

Something like: I appreciate your concern regarding my family because I love you. However, I truly feel our families problems are being handled and that we are in a good spot in our lives right now. We have had bad times and now we are having good times. We would like to share these days with you, and regret you do not feel the same. But the door is always for family, so please don't hesitate to call should your feelings change!

 

No discussion of your issues, or her issues.

 

 

I received a crazy outlandish email from my sister because she thought I didn't invite her to my daughter's graduation (she lives 1000 miles away and I haven't seen her in 8 years). I wish I had responded more along the lines of what 2sure advised. I simply responded, "If that's the way that you want it, its the way I want it more!"

 

It might have been nice to keep the door open. Unfortunately, my sister is nuts so it's no great loss. Because there was a divorce I do still stay intouch with my neices and nephews through my XBIL and his new wife.

 

I probably shouldn't have responded as soon as I read the letter. I think 2Sure hit the nail on the head with a perfect response.

 

 

I don't bring up the past, myself. I've spent the last 2 years or so getting my life back together. It's so discouraging to think that you did so much work, got counseling like everyone said you should. Got sober. Contributed to society in some way. Yet it's all for naught, because there are those in your life - your family - who seem hell bent on reminding you on a constant basis that you used to be trash, you will continue to be trash in their eyes, and nothing you do, say, or believe, will ever make you anything BUT trash in their eyes.

 

I understand how sad this is BO, but you didn't do this for them, you did it for you. YOU get to be proud of that. I remember a friend shyly telling me about a man she was dating and how she wasn't telling anyone else but he had been sober for 10 yrs and leads an aa group 5 nights a week. I was flabergasted! I have nothing but the utmost respect for someone who overcomes an addiction and dedicates themselves to help others. What in the world is embarrassing about that, that's honorable in my eyes.

 

I'm sorry your sister has a need to condemn other people in order to make her self feel better, but that's her problem. With you out of the picture, she'll have to find someone else to strong arm and control.

[hotgurl]

BO

just remember you were the family screw up but not anymore. You got sober, reclaimed your life, had a beautiful baby. you sister can never take that away from you no matter what she says.

 

Sometimes I think that people get used to their roles in the family and feel threatened when someone changes. Maybe she was always the good kid because you were the bad one and now you have changes and turned your life around and she feel like she is losing her place in the family.

 

I am the blacksheep if the family as well. most of the family is happy for me now that things have worked out. The only ones who ever brings stuff up is my mom. that was 13 years ago! the past is the past. today is what matters

[quankanne]

Sometimes I think that people get used to their roles in the family and feel threatened when someone changes. Maybe she was always the good kid because you were the bad one and now you have changes and turned your life around and she feel like she is losing her place in the family

 

my thoughts, too – if you have successfully pulled yourself up and out of a bad situation/lifestyle, that means she has to rethink what role you play, and that threatens her. You see a lot of that with kids who are in middle school and high school – they cannot will not accept the idea that change is possible because it makes their fantasy world fall apart.

 

something I told my husband, who cannot stand my one sister because she's a bxtch: I don't care if you hate her or if she hates you ... y'all claim to love me, but refuse to even be courteous to each other. How the hell am I supposed to feel about that when you both put me in the middle?

 

fortunately, he finally saw what I meant, and has done his best to kill her with kindness. She held out until this past year, when DH dropped everything to care for my dad when she refused to. I guess that made her see DH in a different light, and now she cannot kiss his posterior enough.

 

tell your sister that you love her despite her flaws, and if she wants to be a jackass about things, that's fine with you. However, you've got a family of your own now and you're not going to subject yourself to her foolishness. That when she's ready to communicate with you on adult terms, you'll be there to meet her half-way.

 

basically, you've got to squelch any negative behavior ... even if it means stepping out of the "little sister/screw-up sibling" roles!

 

great photo, BTW!

[marlena]

But they seem to resent me for it, rather than accepting that different people have different paths and that's OK.

 

Have you ever considered that at some level (of course she would never admit it) she is jealous of your "mistakes", of all that you have learned from them, of all that you have accomplished from them, of all that they have contributed to making you a richer and fuller human being? And a more interesting one?

 

Perhaps her life, compared to yours, has been rather boring, uneventful, unsurprising and unmeaningful, just an in and out procession of basically identical days?

 

Just a thought.

[marlena]

I can't believe she brought up my divorce, and how difficult it was for her to explain to her oldest son why my exH was no longer around. She went on and on about how she shields her children from the harsh realities of life. Well, guess what, you're creating an individual who will have f*ck all idea of how to deal with the harsh realities of life when they are adults, alone, and no longer have mum and dad to protect them from real life.

 

 

I agree with you 100% on this. She is setting her kids up for a lot of problems in the future. We teach children coping abilities from an early age. Depicting a perfect world to them is not doing them any favours, not equipping them properly for their lives ahead of them as adults. Isn't it much better to gently and lovingly explain to them that life is beautiful but does have it hardships?

 

And what the heck is wrong with divorce? Last I heard it wasn't a crime!! Sheesh! Sounds to me like your sister has some major hang ups, sorry to say, BO.

[bean1]

On the flip side, as the child of an alcoholic, I admit that I will never believe in my family member's sobriety. Years of broken promises of change and sobriety leave a person with zero faith in any future changes. She may have also chosen email because she felt that she could not tell you her true feelings without a confrontation interrupting what she wants to get out.

 

I'm not saying that what she is doing is right, but people do eventually put up permanent walls to keep themselves from being hurt again, and again, and again.

[blind_otter]

Feh. She can do what she wants. The big problem I have is that my nieces and nephews will never be free to enjoy their cousin's company. The sins of the parents have been passed onto the shoulders of an innocent child who has done absolutely nothing.

 

Anyone who knows anything remotely about me would know that I will not be comfortable hanging out around my sister, knowing she thinks I'm trash, that I'm stupid and reckless, that I have bad judgment. How could I be? And her kids will pick up on her opinion of me, my S/O, my son. I know because I remember knowing how my parents felt about people without even hearing them talk about those people. I knew who they thought were respectable, and who they thought were trashy.

 

The most ironic part of all this is that both my older sisters are born again - Catholics, of all things. We all went to Catholic school, they strayed, then returned to the church after marrying (outside the church, I might add) and having children.

 

And you know about the fundamental teachings of Jesus...judge and exclude. Kidding, kidding.

 

I still feel sick to my stomach.

[quankanne]

hey, you can always do what the nuns do: Give her a sad look and say woefully, "When you do that, you make the Baby Jesus cry." :lmao:

 

as for the kids, well, my thought is that the kids love you for you, and nothing will change that because they trust their feelings about you. So be the good loving aunt they know, and let THAT speak for you, not your sister's negative attitude.

 

what another poster said about your sister possibly being jealous has some merit: You've told us how close you and your dad were, and that he championed you even through your darkest periods because he loved you. Now that you've got the boy grandchild with the family name, that might have magnified her jealousy, that you're always going to get favored status, so it's her duty to bring you back down to earth (in her eyes) ...

 

if anything, otter, pity her. Because she's making the Baby Jesus weep buckets with her atrocious behavior.

[johan]

Probably the best solution, if you can, is to ignore her email and pretend like you never saw it. Don't bring it up. Don't discuss it if she does. Don't change anything. Don't hold a grudge. Attribute it to her and her own issues and don't take it personally. Just figure she lost her mind for a little while.