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Difficult Father


ShoeGirl

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My parents divorced when I was 3, they agreed then to pay for my brother and I to go to college. My father remarried 3 years later my mom remarried when I was 16. I was raised by my mom and step-dad. My step-mom thinks that as a parent you don't have any responsibility as a parent after your child is 16, at that point they are an adult, which I think has caused a lot of the problems.

 

When I was in high school and looking at colleges (the first of my 7 combined siblings, I'm 4th oldest, to go to college) all of my parents said I could go where ever and they would pay for it as the divorce agreement said.

 

By the time I enrolled my father came up with all of these excuses of why he could not pay his share as the court had ordered him to. He kept going back to court to get his share reduced and they refused as he makes 1/4 million each year. He started dragging my younger brother into the middle, he started brainwashing him into believing everything he said.

 

Every time I talked to him he argued with me about money. For the first year or so he would feel bad and buy me a trip somewhere to try and makeup for it. He never called me but expected me to call him all the time, which I did for a while. I got tired of arguing with him so I stopped calling as much about 3-4 years ago. I graduated from college a year and a half ago, I thought all of this would be over then, but I was wrong. He continued to argue with me over what he owed me every time I saw him which was over $70,000.

 

Last summer I tried to get time off work to go to my little brothers first pro golf tournament but my boss wouldn't let me. I again got yelled at. I ended up calling in sick to work that day to go because I didn't want to miss it, when I showed up he accused me of messing up his game because he didn't expect me to show up. That was my birthday. He never said happy birthday to me, he bought my underage brother a beer, offered my step-dad a beer, but never offered me anything. He called me 2 days later and told me that I was a bitch for acting like I did and that he was tired of trying.

 

I have since then sent him a letter in the mail, since he has ignored all of my emails that I have tried to send in the last few years, trying to explain how hurt I have been by his actions and how hard I have had to work since he said he would pay for me to go to school and then backed out. He never responded, that was 5 months ago.

 

I received $12,000 from a court judgment last month. My brother hasn't spoken to me since because I apparently made my father go bankrupt, yet he still has his house, boat, jet skis, snowmobiles, 5th wheel, hummer, and truck.

 

I guess I always figured that he would call me on Christmas but he didn't, I didn't get anything at all, which I guess is better than the birthday card with a medical bill in it I got last year. I don't know why that hurt me so much, I shouldn't have expected anything.

 

I don't know what else I can do, I feel guilty for not trying anymore but I don't know what else to try. Maybe someone can give me some insight, some reason to not feel guilty.

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It's hard to know what to say, because parents are parents all of your life - and theirs.

It's not like a relationship where I would tell you to sever all ties and go NC.

 

But you know what?

That's exactly what I'm going to suggest.

 

There's only so far you can bend, backwards, before you find yourself gazing up your own dark place and things stink.

 

Much as it might hurt, I think you need to stop trying.

You're piling on hurt on hurt, and he's never going to change his attitude towards you.

He's conceited, avaricious, selfish and resentful, and not a good role model as a dad, and hopefully, in time, your brother may see that.

Or maybe, like buddies, they're attracted to the same thing.

Genes play a big part in this, and much as you might like to see it differently, and wish it were so, there are just some things that you can't fight.

 

His attitude is one of them.

Painful as it might be, I think you're going to ahve to admit 'defeat' on this.

Although I don't think of it as you having lost anything.

In fact, as far as things are concerned, you've gained.

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Thanks Geisha!

 

I have been feeling like I should go NC for a while, in fact I haven't spoken to him since July aside from the one letter I sent I have had no contact with him or my step-mom at all. I am sure they think I am the worst child in the world right now.

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Citizen Erased

I essentially went NC with my father as well. I deleted his numbers, never bothered to find out his new home address and forgot his email. We have spoken once in the past year, when he called me on my birthday. It was a stilted and short conversation. Christmas there was no contact and despite sending on presents to my sister and brother, never bothered with me. I was tempted to ask my sister for the money I'd given her for his Christmas/birthday present but figured getting her angry at me wasn't worth it.

 

I may call him on his birthday, return the favour as it were. Other than that, Fathers Day, Easter, Christmas etc are any other day when it comes to us as far as I am concerned.

 

There is no money issues, just plain dislike on each side. I am sure my father and his wife believe I am the worst child as well. It has taken me a couple of years but now I've come to the point where I really don't care. Not like I have to listen to their opinions. :laugh: I'm sorry yours is treating you like that, it is hurt I am all too familiar with. I hope you have others in your family that can in some small way make up for the gap in your life.

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I essentially went NC with my father as well. I deleted his numbers, never bothered to find out his new home address and forgot his email. We have spoken once in the past year, when he called me on my birthday. It was a stilted and short conversation. Christmas there was no contact and despite sending on presents to my sister and brother, never bothered with me. I was tempted to ask my sister for the money I'd given her for his Christmas/birthday present but figured getting her angry at me wasn't worth it.

 

I may call him on his birthday, return the favour as it were. Other than that, Fathers Day, Easter, Christmas etc are any other day when it comes to us as far as I am concerned.

 

There is no money issues, just plain dislike on each side. I am sure my father and his wife believe I am the worst child as well. It has taken me a couple of years but now I've come to the point where I really don't care. Not like I have to listen to their opinions. :laugh: I'm sorry yours is treating you like that, it is hurt I am all too familiar with. I hope you have others in your family that can in some small way make up for the gap in your life.

 

Thanks CE, It helps knowing I am not the only one who doesn't get along with their father.

 

The more I think about this the more I realize some of the reasons that this is so hard on me. I had a great relationship with my father up until he married his wife. Every girlfriend before her I loved and got along with, she has just caused problems from the begining, she didn't even want us at their wedding, she had her kids there but not my brother and I.

 

The other thing is that my entire family is disfunctional, I don't get along with my biological brother anymore because of all the crap with my father, my mom and her brothers are estranged over both of her parents' estates, my father and my aunt don't talk because my aunt stands up for me. And it goes on and on. I have no idea how my entire family got this way. I feel like my step-dad's family is more my family than the family I was born into, at least I have that going for me :)

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We should all be so lucky. Your father is not as bad as my father who announced when my brothers and I were still in grade school that he wasn't paying for our college educations. He had the means and no legitimate excuse.

 

What goes around, comes around. He approached me recently because he needed money to prevent home foreclosure and eviction at his business address. I told him if I had gone to college I might have the money to help.

 

Your relationship problems aside, be thankful for what you have.

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Your dad doesn't like you... in fact, he resents your existence because you're a drain on his finances and he cares nothing about you.

 

Why he feels this way? Who knows, could be a combination of his divorce, his new wife, or that he made 6 mistakes.

 

Either way, you've put in tons of effort to do this relationship amicably and fairly, yet all you've received is thinly veiled scorn.

 

Go NC, and make the courts drag the money out of his irresponsible ass.

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I would have gone to college either way, I just would have approached it differently. I had a full ride to a college in my home town no one but me knew that but since I was supposed to be getting my college paid for and I couldn't stand my hometown for another year , let alone 2, on top of the 17 I had already lived there I decided to get out. Before someone tells me that I am stupid for giving up a full ride, you would have to know the town I lived in, I had already completed 2 years while I was in high school and I had more than half of the tuition at the school I chose to go to paid for by grants and scholarships, so I was not completely stupid. They had one of the most competitive pre-med programs on the west coast when I applied and I believe they still do, it's amazing what happens when I talk to grad school and mention where I went for undergrad, it was well worth what I paid for it.

 

If I knew my father was going to back out at the last minute I would have dealt with that town for 2 more years and taken the free college. I thought I would be happier getting out, and I was happier, now it sucks having the bills but I am happier here.

 

I have already done NC with him and my step-mom, I talk to her son on occasion but he hates what they have done to me and understands why I have made the decisions that I have. Other than that I don't talk to anyone on that side of the family.

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GoneButNotForgotten

Stay cool with her son. It sounds like he at least has a head on his shoulders so that you will be kept informed if anything important happens. Information is sometimes very very useful.

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I know a part of you is feeling torn about losing all contact with your father; I am well aware of this feeling. I also have issues with my father (he is an unreasonable man who believes that if one does not live their life exactly as he does and makes different decisions than he would, well, then, they're just an idiot - and he makes it very clear they are one). I haven't lost all contact, but I have put a great deal of distance between us. It's been a huge load off for me as I believe it would be for you. Even though you haven't talked to your dad in months, you are still in limbo, which is just as much stress and anxiousness as if you were still in contact.

 

What your dad has done is exhibit complete control over you. You posting here shows a piece of it. And the more you dwell on it, the more you stay torn, the more he still has control of you, your life and your emotions. My dad had complete control over me, unbeknownst (sp?) to me really, for 28 years. Once I got away from him for a while I began to realize that he still thought (thinks) I'm a child and that I can't make a good decision to save my life, I started doing some soul searching and realized that I will never be truly happy unless I put some distance between us. I needed to live my own life without any input from him. Every time I am around him, I am pulled into this "black hole" of negativity that I want absolutely no part of and does nothing but cause me hurt. I decided that was not something I needed to seek out or strive for - and I won't. I'm too happy without it.

 

As I know you will be. I don't know you, but I do know how you're feeling. All too well. Distance, and resolution in your own feelings and decisions and who you are, will make all the difference. I hope this helped, and good luck. You deserve it. And breathe a sigh of relief....finally.

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Stay cool with her son. It sounds like he at least has a head on his shoulders so that you will be kept informed if anything important happens. Information is sometimes very very useful.

 

Her son and I will most likely always be cool, we have never been close but we will always be in contact. We agreed a long time ago not to talk about the family problems and haven't since. I have helped him through some things and he has helped me.

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I know a part of you is feeling torn about losing all contact with your father; I am well aware of this feeling. I also have issues with my father (he is an unreasonable man who believes that if one does not live their life exactly as he does and makes different decisions than he would, well, then, they're just an idiot - and he makes it very clear they are one). I haven't lost all contact, but I have put a great deal of distance between us. It's been a huge load off for me as I believe it would be for you. Even though you haven't talked to your dad in months, you are still in limbo, which is just as much stress and anxiousness as if you were still in contact.

 

What your dad has done is exhibit complete control over you. You posting here shows a piece of it. And the more you dwell on it, the more you stay torn, the more he still has control of you, your life and your emotions. My dad had complete control over me, unbeknownst (sp?) to me really, for 28 years. Once I got away from him for a while I began to realize that he still thought (thinks) I'm a child and that I can't make a good decision to save my life, I started doing some soul searching and realized that I will never be truly happy unless I put some distance between us. I needed to live my own life without any input from him. Every time I am around him, I am pulled into this "black hole" of negativity that I want absolutely no part of and does nothing but cause me hurt. I decided that was not something I needed to seek out or strive for - and I won't. I'm too happy without it.

 

As I know you will be. I don't know you, but I do know how you're feeling. All too well. Distance, and resolution in your own feelings and decisions and who you are, will make all the difference. I hope this helped, and good luck. You deserve it. And breathe a sigh of relief....finally.

 

Thanks, even though I know all of this it still helps to hear it from some one else. I know he still has control over me and that feeling is worse than anything else. I want to get rid of that.

 

I am sorry you are dealing with something similar, it's not fun and it's something no one should ever have to deal with.

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Will this ever end...

 

I have not spoken to my father since July, I have not spoken to my biological brother since October, and the only communication I have had with my step-brother is about my niece, and according to him they have no clue, he says "they would be pissed if they knew I was talking to you, I don't care you are still my sister". I have done absolutely nothing!

 

I get a 5 minute voice mail today from my biological brother about how every time something happens I go and tell my aunt who then tells someone, it goes through the family and it gets to my grandma and supposedly I am causing her to have a stroke. The best part is that the thing I was accused of this time I didn't even know about until I was accused of it. I was accused of telling everyone that my brother didn't call my mom on Christmas. Well I didn't go home, I skipped the holidays this year, so I had no clue that happened until I got that message.

 

I love how I get blamed for everything. I am not even going to respond, there is no point he won't believe what I say anyway, it's already ingrained in his head that I started it.

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I skimmed the posts so if I missed this I'm sorry...

 

Seems to me that when you argue with your biological father that the main point is about the money. But that doesn't seem to really be the issue. I got the feeling that what hurts is that he damaged your trust in him. The belief that a father wouldn't lie to his child, wouldn't make excuses about why he couldn't honor what he'd promised, was destroyed.

 

To me, that is what would hurt. Not whether he had the money, or if he owed it, or who should've paid. And I think the surface view is clouding the deeper issue.

 

None of the issues seem to tackle the real issue that you're struggling with. I think you feel shut out, unloved, lied to. And that is what is causing you to try so hard to make them change their behavior. Because there's nothing stronger then that need to feel loved by the people who are supposed to love you unconditionally. It really hurts when they don't.

 

This is just a suggestion, but you aren't going to be successful in changing your relatioship with your family unless you are able to distance yourself emotionally from the problems. I took about 7 years off from my family when I was in my 20s. The issues going on were more then I was capable of dealing with while trying to figure out what I wanted in my life. And I have to say, it was the best decision I ever made for myself. By the time I was ready to re-incorporate my family into my life again, I could look at my parents as the imperfect people they are and not through a childs hurt feelings.

 

But mostly, you can't fix the issues with your family. The only thing you can alter is how you interact with them. If your brother or father is disrespecting you (calling to say it's your fault your grandma had a stroke :rolleyes:) then calmly let them know that the behavior is childish and tell him politely not to call you again until he can treat you with common curteousy and respect. Then end the conversation. When they get a reaction from you, they get their reward. Even a negative reaction from you is better then no reaction. They want your attention, and as of now they have it. Take it away from them unless they treat you in a healthy and respectful manner. You can only control your own actions. Through being the adult, only responding to the behaviors that are appropriate, then you can shape how they interact with you.

 

This works. I did this with my parents and my brother, and although it took me numerous years, my parents now treat me with like a respected and well liked adult friend (although sometimes they slip, it's usually not to any level that's harmful to our relationship). And trust me, my relationship with my family was just as bad as yours. (Personally, I think worse since you didn't mention getting beat with a belt as a child.. just the no money for college thing.)

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