Ill distant family member.

[Meaplus3]

Ok. I'm not sure what to do here. I found out recently that an Aunt of mine whom I've had zero contact with for many years was just diagnosed with ovarian cancer. I used to send her Christmas cards and she would send one to me but, I have not done that in many years. So I'm wondering should I send her A holiday card with a get well message or just a get well card? Or should I just not send a card since I have nothing to do with her? I sort of think it's hypocritical to send a card to begin with since I honestly don't care much for her ever since she caused alot of trouble in my family. I'm tossed? What should I do?

 

Mea:)

[quankanne]

my first thought is to send her a nice card with a brief note ... after reading the part about her stirring the pot with other family members, I'm torn. Part of me says to ignore the hussy, but the other part says that maybe this act of kindness by contacting her could be what helps encourage her to make amends with those people she's offended.

 

my oldest nephew hadn't talked to my dad in about 10 years, was really upset with him because Dad had mouthed off about the other side of the boy's family ... and never really kept up with him (not that he ever called any of his kids to begin with, but the boy didn't get that) ... so that just added to the hurt my nephew had stored up.

 

however, when Dad went to stay with my sister just before he died, she told him that she couldn't see her new grandson because of what had gone on with him and her son (the baby's daddy), because it wouldn't be fair any which way around. She said Dad thought about it a bit, then got the boy's number from her and kept calling until he answered, then started apologizing for whatever he'd done to offend my nephew. I know if Dad hadn't been dying, he never would have appreciated my nephew's perspective on his dumbass behavior, nor would he have really thought about the need to make amends with family members ...

[Meaplus3]

Quank, Thank you for taking the time to share that story with me I found it very insightful. You know, the strange part is the very thing that she did to upset the family occured at the time of another loved ones illness.That love one was dying of cancer it was a very quick and painful end. Her actions and words were hurtful and self centered that I remember once saying (and this is awful) "Gee.. perhaps one day something terrible will happen to her".. and now it has. Just so you know, I'm not the only one in the family who felt that way a couple others said the same thing.

 

I'm not the type that enjoys not liking someone becuase it bothers me and I have always felt bad about the way I've felt toward her. So, perhaps If I send a card with a brief note, it could help her to make ammends and just mabey that's something she needs to do. Or on the flip side, not send a thing and pretend not to know.

 

Mea:)

[quankanne]

Her actions and words were hurtful and self centered that I remember once saying (and this is awful) "Gee.. perhaps one day something terrible will happen to her".. and now it has.

 

oh, man, mea ... people say some weird shxt when they're hurting! When my brother died 16 years ago, my parents made the very difficult decision to bury him in Alaska rather than fly his body home to South Texas primarily because it was late January and it would have been very challenging with the weather (and I think the amount of money it would have cost was pretty outrageous, and there was no way Mama was going to cremate her child). So here they are, grieving the death of a son they only heard from at holidays and birthdays, and who they hadn't seen in about 10 years – not that there wasn't love involved, but because Edward made his home in Alaska and rarely ventured outside that state, you know?

 

Dad's one brother made the smart-azz comment about my parents' decision to leave him "stranded" in Alaska ... and my sister (who can be a bit of a drama queen AND who rarely censors what comes out of her mouth) accused them of not loving our brother because they didn't bring him home. Which needlessly upset my parents even more. Eventually, after a come-to-Jesus talk with her, she apologized to them for saying something so ugly without thinking about how THEY would feel ... and my guess is that your aunt handled her pain the very same way, without thinking about how others' would interpret it.

 

(damn, I've got such a big family, it seems I've got a story that relates to every situation!)

 

I guess you could look at it from this point of view: At a later point, would you regret not sending the note, or is the relationship so far in the past it wouldn't make a difference?

[Meaplus3]

oh, man, mea ... people say some weird shxt when they're hurting!

 

Yes..I do believe that's what happened. She actually targeted a few of us for not spending enough time with the ill loved one. My golly we all had small kids and life was crazy. We did what we could. I was even pregnant at the time and Wowzer's did the stuff she bring up hurt. It also came down to a big dispute about certain house items when the loved one passed. Man..I've tired to forgive.. and was forgetting until I heard this news.

 

 

I guess you could look at it from this point of view: At a later point, would you regret not sending the note, or is the relationship so far in the past it wouldn't make a difference?

 

I have a feeling that I would regret it. The more I think about it the more I realize that perhaps this will give me some peace to this situation. Just glad to vent this now before my brothers their familys and folks arrive this evening. Did not want to bring this up to them. Thanks for your help. Your kindness and good points are much appreciated.

 

Mea:)

[quankanne]

yer welcome. Now gimme that gorgeous blue-eyed kitty. But ONLY if he's neutered!