I'm my dad's child from first marriage and he hides knowledge from me

[Mozzie]

Hi all,

 

I have a complicated family relationship. My dad left my mom for his second wife and now they have a family with them and my half sister. Dad and I have always been close and I know he loves me from his action. He tells me heaps of things and I never thought he would deliberately hide information from me. And if he did, I assume that he prefers to keep some things to himself, which is fine by me.

 

However, lately, he has been talking about his impending death (some stupid fortune teller "predicted" his death and he took it seriously). To compound matters, I recently found out from a family friend that my dad had a property somewhere else that I did not know about. I asked my little sister (from my dad's second marriage it) and she seemed distressed that I knew and implored me not to tell my dad that I know about it because my dad and her mother had told her not to tell me or my older sister (from first marriage).

 

My little sis told me she found out by accident as well as my dad had to take her to the property before he took her to one of her lessons. She said my dad chose not to tell me because he doesn't want me to worry as that property was losing money. I can't be sure if she told me that to ease my suspicions. My own theory is that my step mom (whom is quite friendly with me and seemed to always be "looking out for my interests") doesn't want us to know so that we would always think that our dad is not as rich as we know he is so we won't fight for his inheritance. I always felt it's a given that she's going to get everything and never thought about inheritance in that way.

 

I guess I am just hurt that my little sis, who's 13, is privy to such matters, as are our family friends. And yet, there seemed to be special clause of "don't tell my daughters from my first marriage anything". I've always thought my dad would be honest with me and wouldn't purposely hide any knowledge from me as I'm always been open with him. Now my heart is crushed to think that he might think of me as "untrustworthy."

 

I don't know what to do. Should I ask my dad? I know if I do innocently ask about it, he would deny it and I can't address my concerns with him. I just want to let him know that he doesn't have to hide anything from me and it hurts me deeply that he would be all right with non family members knowing something about him but deliberately hide it from me. I know it's all me, me, me and my dad has a right to decide who should know about anything about him. But I am hurt. What should I do? I don't want to hurt him but I want him to know that this secrecy, which I just discovered and god knows how many "don't tell mozzie" things are lying around.

 

Hurt and betrayed,

Mozzie

 

p.s: my mom died from her broken heart a few years ago.

[2sure]

How old are you? Without your Mom, who is taking care of you?

You sound loved and cared for and like you have a good head on your shoulders.

 

You know your Dad loves you and that a great thing.

 

The property thing is about money. He is hiding the property not because he is concerned you will fight about inheritance but because he isnt claiming it as an asset. His assets are used to figure out child support obligations, taxes, and depending on your age - college tuition obligations.

He is hiding the asset not so much from you - but from whoever he is or may need to pay.

[Mozzie]

I think I should explain matters.

 

I'm already 28. Currently, I'm in medical school.. paid my own way with my mom's inheritance, bank loans and help from my boyfriend who's a new doctor. So far, I borrowed only a few thousand from my dad which I am told him I will pay back. I do talk about money a lot... but i talk about MY own money, not others. And I care only for my own and if I can provide for my family in future.

 

The child support thing is no longer an issue. My dad got off easy. He only had to pay $700/mth for each child when he divorced my mom (he earns about a couple of hundred thousand dollars a year). He also paid half of my first degree, my mom, a lowly nurse, paid the other half.

 

He has always been generous with me... to an extent. But I always feel like he has, in his mind, drawn a line between my older sister and me, and his new family. It's a little hypocritical but he doesn't seem to think so.

 

I don't mind if he kept secrets in general from everybody. But this is an issue of "anyone can know but my daughters from my first marriage." I have no idea how our knowledge won't change anything or influence anything. Why is it such a deliberate act to not let us know when family friends, plus our little sister, are privy to such matters?

 

I love him heaps and I used to think he is always open with us. Now, I think he's quite manipulative and distrustful of me. I just want to ask him openly if he thought I am after his money and that's why he would deliberately hide such knowledge to the extend of telling others not to tell us... I don't know if I have explained this clearly. I'm just really heartbroken.

[quankanne]

sounds like he was trying to ensure that your step-sister had something he could leave to her, since the kids from the earlier marriage were grown and able to take care of themselves.

 

maybe he didn't think it was important because it has nothing to do with you? Or maybe he didn't say anything so that no hard feelings would develop between you and your half-sib(s)? Whatever the reason, surely he understands that upon his death EVERY DAMNED THING THAT WAS IN HIS POSSESSION sees the light, and that his survivors must get all his business taken care of (insurance policies, creditors, etc), and the property ownership would come to light at this time.

 

if the two of you otherwise have a good relationship, ask him what the deal is. And if you are close to his other, younger children, maybe you can assure him that you'll help them if he passes before they're old enough to care for themselves?

[2sure]

Gotcha.

 

Well, I cant think of a reason he is hiding it from you, although certainly there is one.

 

My daughter's dad - from a previous marriage, also has a new family.

My daughter is young and doesnt yet see that he doesnt make her a priority. I don't point this out to her, because it makes me sad to know that some day soon she will see it for herself.

 

All she knows is that he loves her, and thats all I really care about.

 

But the reality is that Love encompasses many things regarding parent and child. Obligation, responsibility, priority, all must be part of that love. But sometimes it isnt.

 

I resent my ex in that he has a loving and good relationship with her twice a month and holidays - but that I have to deal with the all of the responsibility and obligation.

 

BUT I justify his actions, even to myself. We separated when my daughter was very small. He is not a big part of my life and wasnt the moment I left. He was not a priority in our lives, but an extra. She loves him and always has, hopefully always will, but her life revolves around mine. He probably is in the same position. He loves her but his priorities revolve around the life he built without her being there day to day.

[Mozzie]

That is what hurts me. He has already written a will where he left everything to his wife and my little sister. I have always respected his wishes and would not "fight for inheritance" or anything of that sort. Moreover, he's a millionaire. There's more than enough to take care of my little sister. I have always told him that I'll take care of anyone he left behind to the best of my ability. But I was also honest about the fact that I'll always take care of my own life first, just like he did.

 

A little property isn't going to make us bitter as we already are not. Believe me, we have must be bitter about but I have preferred to let it go.

 

I'm just heartbroken that he would think that I cannot be trusted with such information. If he kept it from everyone, fine. But he told it to others who have absolutely no business in knowing about it...I don't know. I'm confused. I just feel betrayed.

[2sure]

I'm gald your still posting because I was thinking...

 

You wont like this, but as a parent I can kind of understand..,

 

It sounds like your Mom took care of you , that financially she left you something to start with. You have an education and promisisng career. You are marrying and although it may be hard at first , between the two of your careers - you should be set. Your Mom would be so pleased and proud of you. All any parent wants, what we try hardest to shoot for - is that our children will be happy and successful when we arent there.

 

With that in mind...you no longer need to be worried about.

 

Your dad and his wife's children are younger than you. They are still children. What the future holds for them and even for their parents is still an unknown. It is possible that your dad and step mom are simply trying to make sure that the other children also have a promising and secure future. It doesnt hurt you because you are grown and on your way.

In the future, when the kids are older and there are less unknowns (like sickness and death) - maybe your dad will include you in his will because things will be more sure and "even".

 

The amount of money he has is all relative. Not to mention that since you are not privy to all of your parents finances - the amount may also be a matter of perception.