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mom's past


letxitxbe

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Long story short, I was looking up info to fill out a form that asked for where my mom went to college and the graduation date (I am in college so it was one of those official forms). I googled my mom's name next to the name of the college she went to in order to see if that college had an archive system, etc. It was too late to call my mom about it.

What I found out was something I definitely was not expecting.

The first link that showed up said my mom's full name next to the words "Spouse: (not my dad..)" I clicked on the link which took me to ancestry.com and I was able to view a document that said my mom had been previously married 10 years before marrying my dad. It had the birthdates (correct) and both marriage and divorce form, so I knew it was the right person.

I think this bothers me more than it should. My mom and I had a really bad relationship before I went off to college, and now it is so much better and we are open about everything. This info is bothering me, but I don't know if I should bring it up to her.

I don;t have any negativity toward the situation, just curiosity. It keeps haunting me. How should I bring this up to my mom, if even, and when? I wish I could do it in a way that won't bring any harm. She is either hiding it, I feel, because it was a bad thing for her, or because she thought it was irrelevant in her life now.

 

What should I do? What would you do? Thanks.

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lonelyandfrustrated

You're an adult now. Go ahead and tell her what you found and ask her about it. I have a distant-past marriage that my kids are unaware of (yet), and the reason they don't know is...I don't have any kids with him, so the D papers meant D forever! He is a non-issue to my current life. There is ZERO reason to tell my kids. I'm not hiding it. It's just not worth talking about. My H has a similar ex, non-issue.

 

BUT, if they asked me in the future, I'd be fine to discuss it. Just be ready, if you ask the question, "Why didn't you tell me?" to hear something like, "I had no reason to, it never came up, what good would it have done?"

 

I'd guarantee she wasn't 'hiding' it. She wasn't flaunting it, wasn't talking about it, but she wasn't hiding it.

 

Go ahead and talk to her, but please understand that she wasn't maliciously withholding this information.

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One possible reason she didnt tell you :

 

When you were little it was a non factor, too hard to explain, and beyond your understanding...then you got bigger and to tell you would have confused you..then you got older and to tell you would have seemed like she had been hiding it...and now you are much older and should know, but its been so long you will be shocked. There you have it. Tell her you know and tell her how you found out and tell her your ok with it and she will be releived.

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Thanks so much to both of your replies. They made me feel much better. I understand now that it was most likely something that is not even an issue to her and just never thought it would be important to bring it up- that definitely makes sense with the way my mom is. As moms, do you think it would sound like I am prying into her past business? I don't really know exactly how to start that convo..

Thanks :)

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Also, I don't see her as purposefully trying to hide it maliciously. I'm trying to put myself in her situation and can see that it would be a subject not really worth bringing up, if I were a mom. Maybe she planned on telling me some day, but I feel like our relationship is open enough now that she would have already. Anyway, thanks again for the advice :)

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We all have things we think to ourselves that we would like to share with our children once they are grown up.

 

The thing is that once they are grown and adults...we are still mommy in most respects. All of a sudden we are different people than we used to be, but now a grown ups mommy. Once you have taken the course of not telling a child something...and the conversation has never come up, its just hard to blurt it out.

 

Will I ever tell my daughter that as a young person I gave a child up for adoption? Yes. When she has children of her own. Only then will she grasp it.

 

I will be relieved to tell her.

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Yeah, I can't imagine being able to just bring it up like that. It makes sense that you would wait until your daughter has her own kids. I don't know if my mom actually planned on telling me any time soon, like you have already planned it..but I think I am going to give her a call soon.

Thanks for all the advice. I know this isn't even really a big deal but I feel better about it now.

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Your Mom's past has nothing to do with you. You should tell your Mom the circumstances as how you came across the information and why you did it the way you did. All the options are hers. If she wants to tell you after you explain your actions then she will. If not that's her choice. You are and will always be in the position of child to your parents. All this BS about I'm grown up and I am your equal is all BS this is an excuse propogated by the Hippie drop out culture.

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