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(yet another!) In-laws driving me crazy!!!


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Old 2nd December 2008, 1:16 AM   #1
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Exclamation (yet another!) In-laws driving me crazy!!!

Okay. I don't usually do the forum posting looking for outside help but I don't know what else to do! I will try to keep this clear and too the point. Really I just need to get everything down and maybe someone will relate!

My sister-in-law is driving me crazy! We are both younger moms and she has another little one on the way (4-5 months pregnant) She can never hold down a job. For one excuse or another over the past 3 years she simply quits or is fired from jobs. I have generally kept out of this because I don't like to cause waves. (My mother and father in law are great,caring people) Her husband is now in jail and can't get a job (obviously) so she comes crying to the family. I and my husband do anything we can to help out (babysitting while she is job hunting, invites for dinner, bringing food etc.) This is rough for her and I sympathize. A couple of weeks ago she calls to say she needs me to babysit (no prob) AND for a sample of my urine because she "quit" 5 days ago and it is still in her system. First off she is PREGNANT! Second, she has been out of work for 2 months and knew there is more than a possibility for a urinalysis! Needless to say, I am LIVID! I wait for her to get to my house and give her a sample and looking back I really shouldn't have let images of her son starving because I didn't give her a sample to get a job cloud my judgement, but I am being honest. After that is done I let her know how I felt. And made it very clear that I would not under any circumstances do this again. After about 1 min of talking/raised/stern voice with her she storms out of my house and slams the door. (she quit that job 5 days after she was hired) I let my husband know what happened. We decided the best course of action was letting his parents know (they've been paying for her house,food,gas, etc.)

My mother in law buys the story of "It was only a couple of hits to ease my morning sickness." "I could not sleep because I am soo stressed out!" Suddenly I am the bad guy! My mother in law explained to me that I shouldn't really "harp" on her daughter and when she hears the same stuff over and over she can't handle it and shuts down. WTF???!!!

Thankgiving comes around and I call and ask what the plans are for the day. My mother in law says she is too "stressed out" and will not have plans for the day.

3 days later my husband tells me that his mom will not have family gatherings until we all start getting along! Getting along! I voice my displeasure about my sister in laws actions and now we aren't going to family gatherings? Am I taking crazy pills??? I just don't get this! Family is so important to me and I love and worry about my in-laws! I only say something if it is important or for the best interest of my family! I just don't know how to approach this. I won't apologise for what I said and ignore the problem! She is draining her mother and father dry because she can't grow up and take responsibility for herself or her children! It is tearing me up! Please help if you can!
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Old 2nd December 2008, 3:31 AM   #2
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Well I can kind of relate to your situation. While I'm not married, I have been dating/living with my GF for a couple of years now. Her parents refer to me as their son-in-law.

My girlfriend finished school, Got a job, And moved out. Her lazy sister on the other hand finished high school, Immediately got married, Had not 1 not 2 but 3 kids in a row, And lives on her parents property in a house that they had built for her. To make matters worse, Her husband won't work and drinks like a fish and she claims that she can't work because she has to watch her kids. Keep in mind her kids spend all their time at her moms house anyway, But she has to watch her kids Each and every month she would literally hand her bills over to her mom, And my GF's mom would run right out and pay them for her.

We used to live near them (next town over), But it started to cause to many problems between me and my GF, so we decided to move further away. The thing is, And I'm sure you can relate to this, To them this behavior is normal. But for us (outside looking in) Their behavior is completely absurd. What you have to realize though, Is that it is their child, And their not going to let them fall. No matter how old they are, or how much they screw up they are still going to protect and defend them. But the truly sad thing is, Much like in you're situation, My GF's sister will never learn how to be an adult and take care of herself and her children, Because her parents bail her out all the time.

What I did (Which might help you) Is distance myself from the drama. I realized a long time ago, That you can only do so much for people, But if they won't help themselves It's not going to matter in the end. Just try to focus on you, you're husband, And you're child/children, And let the chips fall where they may so-to-speak with everything else.

I hope this was of some help to you!
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Old 3rd December 2008, 2:40 AM   #3
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Thank you

Thanks for the great advice! I wish we could move but it will be a few years until my hubby finishes college but I will just have to try to distance myself from this drama. It makes me feel better when others have lazy relatives/in-laws. Now I will just have to figure out what to do about the whole family gatherings thing.
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Old 3rd December 2008, 10:56 AM   #4
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Ramp, IMO the best thing to do is not to enable her anymore. It sounds as if she is taking advantage of everyone around her. She knows no matter how bad she f*cks up, SOMEONE will catch her. It sounds cruel, but I say let her fall. She needs to wake up and wake up fast.
I am a single mom. I have to make things work, I don't have a choice. Other than my health, my child comes first (I am no good to anyone if I am sick!). Children are not a novelty, they are a major responsibility. Don't have kids if you aren't prepared to commit to them. (Sorry, subject is a sore spot for me) I had always wanted 3 kids. After my first I realized I'd rather have one and give him my best than 3 and give each only a part.
Distance yourself from the drama. Problem family members can live minutes away, but they need to be states away in your mind. Don't cut in-laws out. Call, say hello...as soon as the drama starts....cut M-I-L off.."I don't mean to interrupt, but my door bell rang...I gtg.." end it... Distance yourself from sis-in-law too. When she questions you, be honest. Tell her you were allowing HER life to affect YOUR relationship with your man and you can't allow that. Explain you love her very much, but you need to take care of YOU. Holidays? Make your own plans and invite them. Your house, your turf. Been there, done that.
I understand your sympathy for the child. The baby will not starve for G'ma will always pick up the pieces. Good luck and keep you chin up!
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Old 3rd December 2008, 11:22 AM   #5
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SierraRose - as I was reading about OP problem and thinking "how awful" I couldn't come up with a plan for her. Your advice is perfect, sincere, and a good rule to live by.
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Old 3rd December 2008, 11:59 AM   #6
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Thank you Sierra for your great advice. I really couldn't think things out because I was so hurt and you have helped me get back on track. She really does take advantage of us but I and my hubby are the only ones that seem to see this. I want to have a relationship with our nieces and nephews and she is really hurting them by acting this way. I will plan for Christmas at our house and if the family wants to come then I will be making extra. I am glad that you decided to have just one child (before I had my son I thought I wanted 2-3 also) Keep being a strong and level headed woman! There should be more mom's like you! (not saying that there aren't any! ) I just assumed that since I take my responsibility seriously that others should feel/do the same.
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Old 3rd December 2008, 12:27 PM   #7
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YW, so glad I could help. When things get hard always remember you can not control the actions of others...
As far as the relationship with your nieces and nephews go, you are the adult, you set the boundaries. Pick them up, take them out for the day and get them away from the madness. The time spent together will be all about the relationship between you and them, no drama.
I am glad to see there is someone in the children's lives that is a positive, grounded influence.
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